Torchwood MSN
by The Whisperer's Song
Summary: Just our favourite Torchwood team having a break from catching aliens :  contains gwen bashing and minor martha bashing, but only if you squint :  My first fanfiction
1. no one likes you gwen

_A/N- this is just something I did when I was bored. The characters aren't mine, the show isn't mine and even the msn idea probably isn't mine. All I own is the torchwood DVD, and a pen. _

_WARNING- contains Gwen Bashing, and minor Martha bashing. I really don't like them :P _

_xx_

_**"I love you rhys"**__**has entered the conversation.**_

_**"Coffee King" has entered the conversation**_

_**" Tosh" has entered the conversation**_

_**"Beefcake ;)" has entered the conversation**_

_**"Owen "Burn" Harper" has entered the conversation**_

**I love rhys says-** er... Tosh? wot's up wid teh name?

**Tosh says-** What's wrong with it?

**I love rhys says-** noothink, its just ay byt... b0rInG loolz

**Coffee King-** Gwen... why are you speaking like an idiot?

**I love you rhys says- **itz de cOol WaY 2 TLK, loolz

**Owen "Burn" Harper- **you sound like a loser.

**I love rhys says-** u calin me de LoosErr? Ure de 1 WhO HaS beeN SleePiNg Wit JoHNn 3 4 de LastT MoNTH & tINks No-One HaS nOtiCeD...

**Owen "Burn" Hart- **HEY... that is NOT TRUE!

_**"Caption sexyy" has enter the conversation**_

**captain sexyy says-** why the fuck is there a heart next to my name? (Hi oweeennnnnnnnnnnn ;) love you xx )

**Owen "Burn" Harper- **(shhhh, i haven't told them yet)

**I love rhys says- **U No, Coz U r JoHn "HaRT" loolz

**Beefcake ;) says- **John, what the hell are you doing here? And Owen, what the hell have you been doing? oh, and for the record (putting something in brackets does not mean the rest of us can't see it!)

**Owen "Burn" Harper says-** ...

**Tosh- **why would you wanna sleep with him? and not me?

**Coffee King says-** Because he's "Captain sexyy" I presume.

**Beefcake says-** Now is not the time for a well timed sarcastic one liner Ianto!

**I love Rhys says- **yEAHh iAntoE lIstEn 2 mR bEEfCake -flutters eyelashes-

**Tosh-** Ianto, are you ok? I can see you turning red from my station

**Coffee King says-** I'm fine Tosh, just fine...

**Beefcake ;) says- **it's ok Ianto, you know she means nothing to me

_**-Beefcake ;) changed his name to "I love my welshman"-**_

_**-"I love Rhys" changed her name to "broken hearted"-**_

**Captain sexyy says-** Ew. PDA's. I'm off. see you tonight Owen ;)

**Owen "Burn" Harper says- **bye! xxxxx

**Broken hearted says- **W8... Im ConfUsed...

**Tosh- **no shock there.

**Broken hearted says-** so If OweN 3's JoHnn, & The TeA bOiI 3'S jACKkk, Who 3's Me?

**Coffee King- **no one. Because your a lying cheating cow who likes to steal other people's boyfriends.

**I love my welshman says- **I love it when you get all possesive ;)

**Broken hearted says-** JacKkK!1 r U reallY gONna LeT Him tlk 2 me Lyk Dis?

**I love my welshman says- **...yeah... why not?

**Broken Hearted says-** :( I Am SoOo tEmptEd 2 KiLl u AlL...

**-**_**The Master has entered the conversation-**_

**The Master says- **Woo, help me! Oh hey Ianto.

**Coffee King says- **Omg HI! I haven't seen you in ages!

**I love my welshman says-** WTH? what the hell are you doing here? i thought you were dead! The minute I lay my eyes on you I'm putting a bullet through your stomach! and how do you know who Ianto is?

**The Master says- **Can't you put it through my head instead? I don't want to stain my suit :D

**Tosh- **Wait a minute... suits... sarcastic humour... DOESN'T THIS REMIND YOU OF ANYONE?

**Owen "Burn" Harper-** ...

**Broken hearted-** ...

**I love my welshman- **... no?

**Tosh-** -slaps forehead- It's like Ianto you idiots!

**I love my welshman says-** You know eachother and you're really similar... are you two father and son or something?

**Coffee King-** ...

**The Master-** nooooooooooooooooo... hehe...

**Owen "Burn" Harper-** ... well thank god for that!

**Tosh-** -slaps forehead again-

_**-The Doctor has entered the conversation-**_

**The Doctor says- **Master? what are you doing here? aren't you meant to be dead?

**The Master says- **Yeah, but dying's boring.

**The Doctor-** well... seeing as your here... would you like to... maybe... go on a date?

**Tosh says- **Um... guys? I think Jack's choking on his biscuit...

**Broken Hearted says-** eye;lL GiVe hImm Tehh Kiss Of Lyf!

**Coffee King says- **oh no you fucking won't.

**The master says-** ...meh, sure. And that annoying welsh lady reminds me of Martha :/

_**- Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**The Master says- **Ew. It's you.

**Martha says-** Doctor? This isn't the way it was supposed to go! You weren't meant to date _HIM!_ you were meant to fall in love with me and then we'd skip off into the sunset holding hands climbing into the TARDIS passionately kissing and then we were meant to get married and have three children together called Tina, Benjamin and Toby!

**The master says- **...

**Coffee King says-** ... so who wants coffee?

_**-The master has left the conversation-**_

_**-The Doctor has left the conversation-**_

_**-Tosh has left the conversation-**_

_**-Owen "Burn" Harper has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love my welshman has left the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee king has left the conversation-**_

**Broken Hearted-**WelL DisS iS UpSEtTiNg

**Martha says- **Oh shut up, nobody likes you.

_**Martha has left the conversation-**_

**broken hearted girl- **:(

_A/N- Review please :) no flames :) actually, you can flame I don't care, they make me laugh :D I may make this into a story, depends if people like it or not _

_xx_


	2. rofl

_A/N: thanks for the reviews guys :) there's a load of people visiting but not many reviews. please review, even if its to tell me you hate it or i should get run over by a truck of something :D_

_and now, on with the second chapter!_

_**-Gwen is hot has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The master has entered the conversation-**_

**The master says- **Oh... it's you.

**Gwen is hot says-** Y... WhoO Did U Want Iyt 2 b?

**The master says-** someone who can speak decent english.

**Gwen is hot says- **I Am WelSh SoO I SpEaK weLsH

**The master says-** what... so you think that we're currently speaking in welsh?

**Gwen is hot says-** WelL yeAh Coz IM welsHh & wE R in WaLES loolz

**The master says-** oh lord, help me.

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is hot says-** HEYyyyyyyy!111!

**The master says-** lol.

**Martha says-** why are you saying lol?

**The master says-** becaue i feel like it... rofl.

**martha says- **but it doesn't even fit in the sentence!

**The master says-** lmao.

**Martha says-** stop it!

**The master says-** rofl lmao lol lmao rofl lol

**Martha says-** STOP IT!

**The master says- **fine...

**Martha says-** thank you!

**The master says- **rofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lolrofl lmao lol lmao rofl lol

**Martha says-** :(

**The master says-** ... :D

**Martha says-** you're so annoying!

**The master says-** ...rofl.

**Gwen is hot says-** Y dON't U lEaVe HeRr AloNe...

**The master says-** shut up, nobody likes you.

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation- **_

_**-The doctor has entered the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says- **Hey dad

**The master says-** (shh i haven't told the doctor yet)

**The doctor says-** told me what?

**The master says-** well... you know on the valiant told you I was pregnant with your child and you didn't believe me,,,,,

**The doctor says-** :O WTF? that's TERRIBLE!

**Coffee king says-** ... :(

**The doctor says-** who'd want Gwen as a daughter?

**The master says-** I was talking about Ianto...

**The doctor says-** wait... Ianto's my son? I knew he was too awesome to be human

**Coffee King says-** :D

**Gwen is hot says-** waIit... wOT'S sO Bad AboUt BeInG rElAytEd To MeE?

**The master says- **I dunno, maybe the fact your a fully grown adult and can't spell right?

**Gwen is Hot says-** RelAyrEd has A Y iN iyT- "Re-Lay-TeD" SeE?

**Coffee King says-** ...

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Owen "Burn" Harper has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love my welshman has entered the conversation-**_

**Tosh says-** Hey everyone! Listen, while I'm here has anyone seen my blue folder?

**Owen "Burn" Harper-** what folder?

**Tosh says-** you know my blue A4 one, it's got all of the information I need to download the new software

**I love my welshman says-** ...

**Coffee King says-** Jaaccckkkk?

**I love my welshman- **well... you know you told me I had to clean out the weevil's cell for once? There was nothing to use to wipe all of the waste into a bucket with so I just used the first thing that I saw and...

**Tosh says-** YES?

**I love my welshman says-** ...I saw Gwen eat it :D

**Gwen is Hot says-** w8 woT? I dIDn't dxhrdliusrjkixkigdfme,lsmzxkjf ,mfd,k

**Coffee King says-** what was that?

**Owen "Burn" Harper says- **I can see from the medical bay, Tosh is strangling Gwen with a computer cord

**The master says-** woo! Violence! :D

**Martha says-** you guys really should go and help her out...

**I love my welshman says-** ... nah.

_**-I love my welshman has left the conversation-**_

_**-coffee king has left the conversation-**_

_**-Owen "Burn" Harper has left the conversation-**_

**Martha-** They can be so mean sometimes.

**The master says-** ...rofl.

**Martha- **:(

**The master says- **:D

_A/N: I know that was short, but it was just something I posted before I start making the chapters longer. A lot of people are viewing this, but not reviewing. Please review, I'll give you cookies :D_

_xx_


	3. Does spongebob live in your hair?

_A/N: and the third chapter is here! I had so much fun writing this chapter, and I hope you have fun reading it :) xx_

_**-The master has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Captain sexyy has entered the conversation-**_

**The master says-** err… not trying to sound rude or anything but…. Do I know you?

**Captain sexyy says- **nope. I'm Captain John Hart. I'm dating Owen and I'm Jack's ex

**The master says-** you dated Harkness?

**Captain sexyy says-** yeah. The sex was-

**The master says-** stop, stop, stop I don't want to know.

**Captain sexyy says-** so who are you?

**The master says-** I'm the Master. I'm a timelord and kind of dating the Doctor.

**Captain sexyy says-** aren't you the one who tried to kill us all twice?

**The master says-** yep, both failed. The plans were bloody brilliant though.

**Captain sexyy says-** oh yeah! I read all about you, I'm a great fan of your work

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** well if you ask me

**The master says- **good job nobody did

Martha says- I don't even know why the Doctor is even on civil terms with you, let alone dating you

**The master says-** its coz I'm a sex god :D

**Martha says-** what is it that you have, that I don't?

**Captain sexyy says- **a life?

**The master says-** *sniggers*

**Martha says- **well you smell!

**The master says- **fail.

**Martha says-**you're a fail!

**Captain sexyy says-** your hair's a fail

**The master says-**yeah, it's like a massive floating pineapple

**Martha says-** my hair does not look like a pineapple!

**The master says-** and I mean, what's up with it anyway, can't you wear it in a ponytail or something?

**Martha says-**it's a messy bun!

**Captain sexyy says-** why is it pointy?

**Martha says-** BECAUSE IT IS!

**The master says-** can you stab someone with it?

**Martha says-** LEAVE ME ALONE!

**Captain sexyy says-**does sponge bob live in your hair?

**Martha says-** SHUT UP!

_**-Owen "burn" Harper has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

**Owen "burn" Harper says- **Hi John! xx

**Captain sexyy says-** hey! I've made reservations for dinner tonight xx

**Coffee King says-** *cough*

**Captain sexyy says-** okay, I asked Ianto to make us reservations for dinner

**Martha says-** oh look, it's the spawn of the devil

**Coffee King says-** …

**The master says-** Ignore her. She's just grumpy because I've got her man :D

**Martha says-** when he realises what a loser you are he'll come running back to me

**Captain sexyy says-**what do you mean come running back to you? When was he ever with you in the first place?

**The master says-**ohhhh burn :D

_**-Martha has left the conversation-**_

**Owen "Burn" Harper says-** oh dear, someone's a little cranky today. What have you two been saying to her?

**The Master says-** nothing…..

**Captain sexyy says-** …much :D

**Coffee King says-** well you two seem to be getting along rather well

_**-I love my Welshman has entered the conversation- **_

**I love my Welshman says- **Ianto? You have post, I've left it on your desk

**Coffee King says- **Okay I'm just reading it now… it's from the government? …oh.

**Owen "Burn" Harper says-** what does it say?

**Coffee King says-** Hello, Ianto Jones. We have heard of you, your story has been spread throughout space, the myth of the coffee boy and his amazing welshness. We want you upon our ranks, to supply us with your gorgeous coffee and to destroy our enemies with your sarcastic awesomeness. We want you as our God, Ianto Jones. If you refuse to join us… you will be exterminated. Dalek Cann

**I love my Welshman says-** ….

**The master says-** …..

**Owen "burn" Harper says-** …

**Captain sexyy says-** … so you gonna do it?

**Owen "burn" Harper says-** -slap-

**Captain sexyy says-** ow! What was that for?

_**-Gwen is hot has entered the conversation- **_

**The master says- **Oh good grief, here we go again

**Gwen is hot says-** Wot's Up GuyZz loolz

**I love my Welshman says- **Ianto got a letter from a dalek asking to make him their god because of his amazing welshness.

**Gwen is Hot says-** Wot? I Am WeLshH Y dId EyeE nOt GetT ChOSen Bi A AlIeN rACEe 2 b THEiR God?

**The Master says- **because you aren't awesome.

**Gwen is Hot says- **WoTt U on BouT? I AM so AwEsOMe! I Am ThE HeARt Of Da TeaM!

**Owen "burn" Harper says- **more like the body waste.

**I love my Welshman says-**er… Ianto? I've just been reading the conversation… and… SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A TIME LORD?

**The master says-** since I discovered that male timelords could get pregnant :D

**Coffee King says-** I'm so sorry Jack… I didn't want you to find out like this

**The Doctor-** Jack, you got off lightly. At least you didn't find out you had a son through MSN.

**I love my Welshman says-** how can I even trust you Ianto? If that even is your real name?

**The master-** oh no, Ianto Jones is his actual name. I named him Ianto (I've always liked Wales) and we all know that my earth name is Harold Saxon, but my galifraean surname is actually Jonai, which, were you to translate it into English is Jones.

**I love my Welshman says-** I'm sorry, but this is too much.

_**-I love my Welshman has left the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says-** I'm going to go and talk to him, to try and sort this mess out :(

_**-Coffee King has left the conversation-**_

**-Tosh has entered the conversation- **

**Tosh says- **hey guys, what's been going on?

**The master says-** Ianto's a time lord, he's my son, daleks love his coffee, Gwen's the poo of torchwood and sponge bob lives in Martha's hair.

**Tosh says-** … ok…

**Captain sexyy says-** And Jack's annoyed because Ianto didn't tell him

**Tosh- **Jack's not annoyed….

**Owen "Burn" Harper says-** how do you know?

**Tosh says-** because from here I can see them, and it looks like they're having sex over Gwen's desk

**Gwen is hot says-** WTF?

_**-Gwen is hot has left the conversation- **_

_**-PC plod has entered the conversation- **_

**PC plod says- **hey all! It's Andy!

**Tosh says-** hey Andy, you alright?

**PC plod says-** yeeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm great!

**Owen "Burn" Harper says-** Er… Andy?

**PC plod-** YEAH?

**Captain sexyy says-** you seem very… happy?

**PC plod says-** what you talking about?

**The master says- **you're using a lot of "!"s.

**PC plod says-** wellllll! I took parrrrttt iiinnn aaaa drruuuugggsss raid this mooornnniinnngggg and I waasssss mmaaakkkiiinnngggg teaaaa in the kitttcccchhheeennnnn and found some whiitttteeee pooowwwddderrrr which I'm assuming was ssuugggarrr and put it in my tea and nowww I feel really hhhhhhhhhyyyyyyppppeerrr and happy and I don't knnoowwww whyyyyyyyyy! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

**The master says-** …

_**-The master has left the conversation-**_

_**-Tosh has left the conversation- **_

_**-Owen "Burn" Harper has left the conversation-**_

_**-Captain sexyy has left the conversation-**_

**PC plod- **okaayyy gguuuyyyssss I'llll jjuussstttt wwaiitt for you to commee baacckkkk! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

_A/N: ahh I love PC andy :') review please :D and I know I promised you cookies If you reviewed last time, they're… um… in the post but this time if you review I'll give you…. GWEN! Actually… wait no I want you to review… ok I'll give you JACK ;) much love xx_


	4. WAFFLES!

_A/N: And so here we have the fourth chapter! Anything that you want to appear in the conversations review and let me know. _

_Disclaimer: ... you know I don't own. Oh and btw, Mr sarcastic is owen :D xxx_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is Hot has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-**It's so boring today

**Tosh says- **I know, the rift's been really quite for weeks now

**Coffee King says-** do you know what the good thing about that is? You have time to do your own blooming paperwork for once

**Gwen is hot says-** It's OkaYs GuYZz I foUUnd sOmeTing 4 us 2 Do :D

**The Boss says-** what...

**Gwen is hot says- **I lett jANEtt Out OF hER cAGE :D

**Tosh says-** WHY?

**Gwen is hot says**- welllll We R aLl bOrEd So I fIGurReD iF wE LeTt JaneET Out oF hER cAGE We'd Have SomeTHing 2 do! Your WelcOmME :D

**The Boss says-** YOU STUPID LITTLE-

**Coffee King says-** okay, okay everyone calm down! we all know Gwen can be... stupid at times but she's not a complete idiot. Now Gwen, where did you let the weevil loose?

**Gwen Is Hot says- **tHE ArcHivEs :D

**Coffee King says-** you let... a violent alien loose... IN MY CAREFULLY ORGANISED ARCHIVES?

**Gwen is hot says-** YEAH! :D

_**-Coffee King has left the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** Good job idiot. I'm gonna go help him out

**Tosh says-** yeah, me too

_**-Tosh has left the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is Hot says- **sooo Jack... it's just you and me alone...

**The Boss says-** wait... you're speaking like a normal person now?

**Gwen Is hot says- **I only speak like an idiot to idiots, but never to you Jack

**The Boss says- **...err I don't think I like where this is going...

**Gwen is hot says-** run away with me Jack! We can travel together, saving the human race, seeing the stars, living!

**The Boss says- **um, I'm flattered by your feelings for me, but I'm with **Ianto**

**Gwen is hot says-** who needs Ianto? That useless teaboy is nothing compared to me

_**-The master has entered the conversation-**_

**The master says-** I'm sorry, what did you call my son? _(a/n: hehe protective master coming through! be afraid Gwen, be very afraid... )_

**Gwen is Hot says- **Nothing, just that compared to me he's useless, ugly and a waste of space

**The master says- **he's ten times bettere then you'll ever be Gwen Cooper, and do you want to know why?

**Gwen is hot says-** why?

**The master says-** because unlike you, he's likeable, smart and can sense when someone is reading over his shoulder

**Gwen is hot says-** wait... what? that doesn't make any sense! I know when someone's reading over my shoulder, there's no one behind me, see- oh.

_**-Gwen is hot has left the conversation-**_

_**-The master has left the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

**The boss says-** what did you do to her?

**Coffee King says-** put her in a private conversation with dad, and sealed it so she can't leave

**The Boss- **what? that doesn't sound very harsh...

_

cut to private conversation

**The master says-** do you like waffles? yeah we like waffles

**Gwen is hot says-** stop

**The master says- **do you like pancakes? yeah we like pancakes!

**Gwen is hot says-** please... I'm begging you, this is the fifth time you've sung it, stop!

**The master says- **Do you like french toast? yeah we like french toast!

**Gwen is hot says-** I'm begging you, stop!

**The master says-** doob, de, doob, can't wait to get a mouthful

**Gwen is hot says- **PLEASE

**The master says-** WAFFLES!

**Gwen is hot says-** PLEASE!

**The master says-** WAFFLES!

**Gwen is hot says- **GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

- and back-

**The boss says-** Ianto?

**Coffee King says- **:D

_A/N: Yeah, I know that was short. Just a time you don't know the song the master was singing at the end go on youtube and type in the waffle song._

_also, for the next chapter I want another totally retarded way gwen can speak, so if you have any ideas tell me in a review. _

_Much love xx_


	5. MLP forever!

_A/N: Hey guys! So here we are already, three days and I'm on chapter five. Wow, I have a social life. This chapter is the first chapter I had to actually think about what I was going to say, rather then getting stuck in like usual so sorry if it turns out rubbish._

_DEDICATED TO SLICELESS: For a) putting up with me. b) always giving me something to laugh at (most of the time her) and c) ...i dunno. But you're awesome. _

_warning- A BIT OF SWEARING... ok a lot of swearing._

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation- **_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** hey!

**Tosh says-** hi.

**Mr Sarcastic says- ** um... you okay?

**Tosh says-** yes.

**Mr sarcastic says-** you seem a little... off?

**Tosh says-** can you really blame me?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...I have no idea what you're talking about.

**Tosh says-** YOU WERE MEANT TO TAKE GWEN DUTY.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...Gwen duty?

**Tosh says-** YES! DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE MEETING? JACK SAID THAT DUE TO ALL OF THE SHIT GWEN'S GOT US INTO SHE HAD TO BE WATCHES 24/7. your day is friday! it's friday today!

**Mr Sarcastic-** yeah so you had to keep an eye on Gwen, so what?

**Tosh says-** well, while you decided to give her the day off, I was stuck alone with her while Ianto and Jack went weevil hunting!

**Mr sarcastic says-** ...shit. Oh god Tosh, I'm so sorry!

**Tosh says-** I had to sit with her in that room for FIVE FUCKING HOURS. do you have any idea how FUCKING LONG THAT IS?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** oh god... look tosh i'm really really sorry... :(

**Tosh says-** you can come and tell me that you're sorry once I remove the my little pony stickers from my computer monitor!

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...my little pony?

**Tosh says-** yes. But only stickers of fireflame and cupcake, because Dark sword and Grey mane are evil horses. do you want to know why I know this? Because while you were at the pub having a drink, I was tied to a chair watching animated ponies running round fields and being generally fucking happy with a FUCKING SQUEALING GROWN WOMAN!

_**- The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

**The Boss says-** hey Tosh.

**Tosh says-** Don't you FUCKING HI TOSH ME!

**The Boss says-** :S

**Tosh says- ** OH, SO YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL CLEVER NOW, WITH YOUR EMOTICONS!

**The Boss says-** ...

**Mr Sarcastic-** she's annoyed because she had to take double Gwen duty.

**The Boss says-** ..double gwen duty? ...ouch.

_**-I love my little pony 4ever has entered the conversation-**_

**I love my little pony 4ever says- **what's double xx gwen duty? xx

**The Boss-** ...one of us needs to praise your awesomeness every day?

**I love my little pony 4ever says-** aww xxx thanks guys xx

**Mr Sarcastic-** ... what's up with all the kisses?

**I love my little pony forever says-** welll xx I read ion a magazine xx that putting kisses xx in your texts and stuff was cool xx

**Tosh says-** well they were mistaken so DON'T FUCKING DO IT.

**i love my little pony 4ever says-** 0.o what's wrong with her?

**The Boss says-** she... er... missed this morning's my little pony

**I love my little pony 4ever says-** OMG! IT'S WAS SO GOOD! XX I cried xx because darkflame tried to take away sunlight's sparkle dust xx and all of the pretty colours in sunlight's mane just faded to grey... xx but then whispershine came along and got the sparkle dust back! xx

**Mr Sarcastic says-** I think my brain just turned to gloop.

_**-The master has entered the conversation-**_

**The master says-** hey guys, what you talking about?

**I love my little pony 4ever says-** my little pony! :D xx

_**-The master has left the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...I'm guessing he doesn't like my little pony then...

_**-PC plod has entered the conversation-**_

**PC plod says-** hey guys, what we talking about?

**I love my little pony 4ever says-** my little pony! xx

**PC plod-** omg i love that show!

**I love my little pony 4ever says-** OMG! XX ME TOO! XXX DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHT'S? XXXX

**PC plod says-** oh whayt, you mean when the ponies went to the rainbow village to collect their new sparkle hooves?

**I love my little pony 4ever says-** OMG YEAH! XX THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE BIT! XXX

**The boss says-** ...

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...that is rather disturbing.

**PC plod says-** but my favourite bit by far was when-

**Tosh says-** SHUT THE HELL UP! NO-ONE CARES ABOUT SPARKLE HOOVES AND RAINBOWS AND CUPCAKES! YOU KNOW WHERE YOU SHOULD SHOVE THEM? UP YOUR FUCKING ARSE BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK!

**The boss says-** ...

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...

_**-PC plod has left the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says- **Jack... why did PC andy just burst through the door in a my little pony outfit asking where the "pony hater" was?

**The Boss says-** Him and Gwen have my little pony problems.

**Coffee King says-** well as long as they don't bring one into the hub. I'm not cleaning up their shit as well. .

_A/N: ahh, isn't Ianto's timing just perfect? xD Give us a review and tell me what you think xx_


	6. well that was weird

_A/N: I'm sorry guys, but this is by far the worst chapter so far I think. Stupid writers block. This was created by improvisation. Btw jsut like to quickly say, in this the master has a tardis, which is the valiant. (spelling?) xx_

_**-The Doctor has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Master has entered the conversation-**_

**The Master says-** Oh good, you're here I need to talk to you.

**The Doctor says-** about...

**The Master-** wellll... you know when you forced me to take Martha back home after she visited you because you were too busy messing about or something?

**The Doctor-** I was trying to put a stop to the civil war you caused on planet Zar!

**The Master says-** Details,details. Anyway, you know you told me to drop her off outside the hospital?

**The Doctor says-** yeeess...

**The Master says-** well I didn't drop her off there...

**The Doctor-** then where is she?

**The Master says-** ... Canada.

**The Doctor says-** CANADA?

**The Master says-** yes, Canada, learn how to read. Anyway, I was just telling you now so that if she contacts you and complains you can tell her it was an accident

**The Doctor-** and WAS it an accident?

**The Master says-** ... yes :D

**The Doctor says- **why the hell did you feel the urge to drop Martha off in CANADA?

**The master says- **she ruined my evil plan, that's reason enough.

**The Doctor says-** well in all fairness, I don't blame her

**The Master says-** But it was such a wonderful plan! I had it all worked out! I was going to find Martha, kill her, release you, have lots of make up sex, make Ianto king of Wales, and turn France into a construction site for my massive hamster wheel!

**The Doctor says-** ...wait... you have a massive hamster wheel?

**The Master says-** yeah, when you get bored you make tools sonic, when I get bored I recreate giant pet equipment, problem?

**The Doctor says- ** ..anyway, CANADA?

**The Master says-** must you keep saying it in capitals? It gets boring after a while. And yes, Canada in the year 2000 :D

**The Doctor says-** THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE THAT YEAR!

**The Master says- **really? I did not know that.

**The Doctor says-** you know what? That's it! I've had enough of your stupid selfishness! Now I'm going to go and save Martha from possible death, and you can forget about that date to the cinema tonight!

**The Master says-** really? Shame, I'd booked tickets for toy story 3.

**The Doctor says-** toy story three? Meh, Martha will be fine for another couple of hours.

**The Master says-** yeah, she'll like Canada, the leaf on the flag is as pointy as her hair.

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** hey guys, do you know where Martha is?

**The Master says-** Canada :D

**Mr Sarcastic says-** right... anyway, I needed her opinion on an autopsy, but it's not too important

**The Master says-** you see Doctor? Martha's opinion isn't important for anything :D

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

**The Boss says-** Owen, aren't you meant to be working?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** aren't you?

**The Boss says-** touché.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** .. it's weird.

**The Master says-** what's weird?

**Mr Sarcastic says- **It's unusually quiet in the hub. I can't hear Gwen

**The Boss says- **you don't think she's up to something do you?

**The Doctor says-** Like what?

**The Boss says-** I dunno, like covering the hub with rainbows or something, it wouldn't surprise me.

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

**Tosh says-** err guys I just did a check, and Ianto and Gwen aren't in the building, plus it's Ianto's turn for Gwen duty

**The Master says-** oh god, what if she's EATEN HIM!

**The Doctor says-** I've only known him for a month, we were just begining to bond and everything! :'(

**The Boss says-** If she's hurt him I'll... I'll...

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says-** hey guys :D

**The Master says-** you're alive!

**Tosh says-** but how?

**Coffee King says-** well, as we all know it's my turn for Gwen duty, and after seeing the state of Tosh after hers-

**Tosh says-** yeah, sorry about that guys

**Coffee King says- **I decided I didn't want that happening to me. So I went down to cafe and had a nice tea and a muffin

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...but where's Gwen?

**Coffee King says-** drugged and tied to a chait with a muzzle on

**Tosh says- ** ...

**The Doctor says- **...

**The Boss says- ...**

**Coffee King says-** what? Just coz the rest of you were stupid enough to put up with her!

**The Master says-** ...well done son!

**The Doctor says-** ah-hem?

**The Master says- **I mean... er... drugging people is bad :D

**The Doctor says-** Thank you

**The Master says-** ..Killing them is better because then you don't need to put up with them any more and won't waste your money buying the drugs :D

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...In a way you kinda scare me, but I'm kinda awe struck by you at the same time

**The Master says- ** :D

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **yo, fam

**Coffee King says-** .. who the hell are you

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I'm the weevil the black haired chick let loose, innit

**The Boss says-** ... what the fuck are you doing on msn?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** I just love how none of us even bat an eye lid at the thought of a weevil being able to type in english anymore

**Tosh says-** with this job, nothing surprises me.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I don't wanna hurt ya or nothing, all I want is a couple 'o fags, ya get me?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** OMG. weevils are chavs. this is possibly the best medical discovery EVER.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** oy, who ya calling a chav bruv? I ain't no chav mate.

**The Doctor says-** right...

**I IZ WEEVIL-** ...so, you got da goods or not?

**The Boss says-** ...er no sorry none of us smoke

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **Pshhh you're all minging.

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says-** ...well that was strange..

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IN CANADA?

**The Master says-** :D

_A/N: Told you it was bad..._

_Review anyway :D xx_


	7. Big C, the ladies man

_A/N: as usuual, lots of caos. xx_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Grhys entered the conversation-**_

**Grhys says-** Hey guys xxx what we all up to? xxx

**Tosh says- **...what's the name?

**Grhys says- **It's me and rhys' pairing name! xxx like you know xx when you add the two names together xxx

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...ddon't you think that you shoudl maybe change it?

**Grhys says-** ...why? xxx

**Coffee King says-** ...because your pairing name is grease. Which to many is seen as disgusting.

**Tosh says-** how strangley ironic...

**Grhys says-** what does ironic mean? xxxx

**The Boss says-** *sighs* don't worry Gwen.

**Tosh says-** what others are there? Janto... aw that sounds sweet :')

**Coffee King says-** I have to say, it is cute

**The Boss says-** see, our two names fit perfectly together, it's DESTINY.

**Grhys says-** I think Gwack sounds better...

**Mr Sarcastic says-** Gwack sounds like an ill duck.

_**-Captain sexyy has entered the conversation- (**__A/N: wow, haven't seen him in a long time xD)_

**Captain sexyy says-** guys, you do realise there's a weevil sitting with a laptop outside your base, right?

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** oh great, it's you again.

**I IZ WEEVIL saya-** jokes, fam. Anywayz, i iz 'ere to chat to da gorgeous black haired babe i saw yesterday, you get me?

**Grhys says-** yeah... that would be me...

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I would just lyk 2 say, i tink you're boomtings, innit

**Grhys says-** ...

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** it's true, though! I has never seen a girl that looks more lyk a weevil in all my days on this planet, you iz buff.

**Coffe King says-** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *cough.* sorry.

**Grhys says-** why me? xxxx why not Ianto? xxxx

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **because Ianto Jones is 2... wot would you humans call it... attractive to be a weevil's main squeeze, ya get me?

**The Boss says- **you bet he's attractive ;) he looks even better naked to-

**Coffee King says-** okay Jack, let's stop there.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** so what do ya say Gwen? Fancy taking a ride in the weevil mobile? ;)

**Grhys says- **no I bloody well don't!

_**-Grhys has left the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **wait babes, come back!

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation- **_

**Captain sexyy says-** ... I had sex with your nan.

**Tosh says-** excuse me?

**Captain sexyy says- **I dunno, just wanted to break the silence...

**Coffee King says- **well you could of thought of something a little stranger...

**Captain sexyy says-** like what?

**Coffee King says-** I dunno... like I just burped up a watermelon or something...

**Captain sexyy says- **... wow.

**The Boss says-** or I just set my toenail clippings on fire

**Captain Sexyy says-** or I just urinated on my turtle

**Mr Sarcastic says- **or I just gave birth to a whale

**Captain sexyy says-** Is that even possible?

**The Boss says-** maybe if you were really, really fat.

**Tosh says-** *sigh* boys!

_**-Tosh has signed offline- **_

**Captain sexyy says- **...hehe.

**The Boss says-** what?

**Captain sexyy says-** I just thought of another one

**Coffee King says-** what?

**Captain sexyy says-** ... my butt is made from waffles.

**Mr Sarcastic says- **now that... is epic.

_**-Grhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Grhys says- **guuyyss! xx The weevil keeps following me! xxx

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I 'ave a name u no, innit.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** what is it?

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **Cornelius.

**Coffee King says-** ...lol.

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **you taking the mick out of my name bruv?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** it's just funny, because you're all big and hard and yet you have a name like Cornelius...

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **you dissing my name? Some peoplez call me Big C for short

**The Boss says-** Haha, big C, it's like Big Coc-

**Coffee King says-** anyywwayyy changing subject...

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** so anwayz, what do ya say hun, fancy a date with the C miester?

**Grhys says- **for the last time, NO!

_**-Grhys has left the conversation-**_

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says-** has anyone else noticed that when we go on msn weird things happen?

**Captain sexyy says-** like what?

**Coffee King says-** well, we've just had a chat with a chavvy alien who wants to date Gwen, that's one weird thing.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** true... true. Speaking of aliens we really should go and catch some

**The Boss says-** .. nahh, I can't be bothered to move

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation- **_

**Coffee King says- **oh, hey again Tosh

**Tosh says-** never mind hellos, I have important news to tell you all. You know the machine that came through the rift that Jack said was a sex toy?

**The Boss says-** yeahh I remember it well ;)

**Tosh says- **well it's not a sex toy, it's a bomb.

**Coffee King says-** I'm sorry it's a WHAT?

**Tosh says-** an alien bomb, used in battles. It can destroy anything within 5 miles of it, I asked the Doctor and he checked it out for me. Now where is it?

**Coffee King says-** ...errr lying on my bed?

**Tosh says-** what the fuck is it doing on your bed?

**Coffee King says-** well Jack said it was a sex toy so we thought we may as well try it out!

**Mr Sarcastic says-** Too much information teaboy, too much information

**Tosh says-** it activates when used you idiot, what the hell are we going to do?

_**-The master has entered the conversation-**_

**The Master says- **hey guys, I heard about the bomb, it's okay I sorted it

**Captain sexyy says-** thank god, where did you put it?

**The Master says- **27 Warcroft street :D (a/n: random house)

**The Boss says-** isn't that Martha's house?

**The Master says-** .. woops... oh well :D

_**-The master has left the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has left the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has left the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has left the conversation-**_

_**-Captain sexyy has left the conversation- **_

**Tosh says-** ... I am so blocking msn on all torchwood computers.

_**-Tosh has left the conversation- **_

_**-Grhys has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** I have had the worst day ever, my house just exploded and I barely got out alive :(

**Grhys says-** well a chavvy weevil called big C fell in love with me and said I looked just like a weevil :( xxxxx

**Martha says-** I hate working for hidden organisations sometimes :(

**Grhys says-** I know, they can be a right pain ion the arse :( xxx

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** so ladies... fancy a threesome?

_A/N: ...eek. I know, i'm sorry I'm sorry but i felt like posting something. next chapter will be better, I promise on Ianto's coffee :D Also, can you please check out Sliceless' profile on devian art if you've got the time, she's new to devianart her name is __**sliceless**_

_review please :) xxxx_


	8. Wow Ianto!

_A/N: I am ill :( An ill me is not a happy me :( I'm also bored, and so I wrote this, aiming to be my longest ever :) xx_

_**-The Master has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

**The Master says-** so what are you two up to?

**Coffee King says-** nothing much, just getting ready for tonight

**The Master says-** where you going?

**Coffee King says-** Jack's taking me out to go and see a movie and then a meal :)

**The Master says-** oh, you're going out with him.

**The Boss says-** Personally, I'm looking forward to going back to yours ;)

**The Master says-** I'm sorry what was that you said Harkness?

**The Boss says-** er... nothing?

**The Master says-** so you're going out with my son on a date (who is wayyy too good for you by the way,) and all you can think about is the sex?

**Coffee King says-** omg, dddaaaaaddd!

**The Boss says-** what, er no of course not, I love Ianto! I'm really looking forward to it all!

**The Master says-** but having sex is more important then finding out more about eachother?

**Coffee King says-** OMG.

**The Boss says- **what? No, I love his personality!

**The Master says-** what, so you don't think he's attractive then?

**Coffee King says-** dad, shut up!

**The Boss says-** of course I think he's attractive, he's bloody sexy!

**The Master says-** oh here we go, back to the sex again, can you not think of anything else?

**Coffee King says-** dad, SHUT UP!

_**-The Doctor has entered the conversation-**_

**The Doctor says-** hey guys, what's going on?

**The Master says-** These two are going on a date tonight and all Harkness can think about is the sex

**The Doctor says-** Is that true Jack?

**The Boss says-** what? No!

**Coffee King says-** please ground, swallow me up around now

**The Doctor says-** I don't bellieve you Jack! I thought you cared about Ianto!

**The Boss says-** I do!

**The Master says-** suuurrreeee you do.

**The Boss says-** why should I have to take this from you anyway? You tried to kill us all!

**The Master says-** I did nothing of the sort!

**The Boss says-** yes, you did! Year that never was, toclafane, lucy, remember?

**The Master says-** ah yes, but then we went back in time to before I sent the toclafane down, so _technically_ I killed no-one :D

**The Boss says- **but...we know you did! we were there!

**The Master says- **oh, what's the point complaining, everyone's alive, aren't they?

**The Doctor says-** wait..what? that's not the point at all!

**Coffee King says-** well at least they aren't talking about me anymore

**The Doctor says-** you inslaved everyone on earth, created them into toclafane and then made them kill themselves!

**The Master says-** I know, wasn't it a smart idea?

**The Doctor says-** no!

**The Boss says- **you're just lucky that we've decided not to kill you!

**The Master says-** you'd never be able to catch me anyway, I hid before I can do it again

**Coffee King says-** ohhhhhh one-nil to dad

**The Boss says-** You're sick in the head you are

**The Master says-** well you'd be sick in the head too if you had bloody percussion in your head 24/7

**Coffee King says-** two-nil!

**The Doctor says-** Why do I even bother with you?

**The Master says-** Because no matter how much you want to hate me deep down in your hearts there's always a burning desire to be with me, and. even if you hate it I'm the thing that keeps you going. ...plus you like to steal my DVD collection.

**The Boss says-** and what's my reason 'ay? Why shouldn't I shoot you?

**Coffee King says-** Because if you did that'd be the last you see of me.

**The Boss says- **ahhh yes, very good reason that. Master, feel free to carry on... destroying things

**The Master says-** :D

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** It's quite funny really, you were defeated by _chanting_

**The Master says- **And it's quite funny really, that you had to leave the Tardis because you realised the doctor didn't love you. Don't try and outsmart me Martha, I always win

**Martha says-** well no, because I defeated you!

**The Master says-** Yeah and look at us now. I've got the man you wanted, a brilliant son, and can travel anywhere. You are single, alone and stuck in your poxy flat. As I said, _I win._

**The Doctor says-** ... *snigger* you just got toooolllldddd!

**Martha says-** well I've had worse happen to me before...

**Coffee King says-** what?

**Martha says-** when I was four I forgot to get off a train I was on with my mum, managed to travel all the way to liverpool, got off and then ran into a man dressed in a massive sandwich costume advertising mcdonald's new BLT.

**The Master says-** well I've had worse then that. When I was at the academy with the Doctor, we got abducted by a fat old lady with mental problems

**The Doctor says-** she kept repeating that we were her children, and then tried to drown us in a massive pot of butter

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** what you talking about?

**Martha says-** tragic things that happened in our childhood

**Mr Sarcastic says-** something tragic happened in my childhood! I was getting the bus home as a six year old home from school when some fat guy sat on me

**The Master says-** ...ouch.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** he didn't even realise there was a child under him until half an hour later when I managed to jab his arse with a pencil

**Tosh says-** well I've had even worse then all of you. As a child...I met Gwen.

**The Boss says-** WHAT?

**Tosh says-** yeah, when my family moved here I went to the park, and there she was. I can tell it was her because she had the same massive eyes. She wouldn't stop following me around and in the end she tied me to a tree with her skipping rope and made me have a picnic with her teddies :/

**The Master says- **Omg. You must be perminantely scarred. I feel for you Tosh, I really do

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** hey guys!

**The Master says-** oh great, It's the fatty

**Rhys says-** you're mean :(

**The Master says-** and you're a failure as a human, get over it.

**Tosh says-** while we're on the subject of Gwen, can I ask you a question? What is it about Gwen that you're attracted to?

**Rhys says-** Oh God, there's so many things! That lovely gap toothed smile of hers completely lights up my life. The moment I saw her at college, sitting with her friends I knew she was the one. The way she swayed her gorgeous hair made me want to faint. She was so popular, all the boys wanted to date her and all the girls wanted to be her friend. Everyday I thank god that I was lucky enough to be with her. She is my angel, and I love her with all my soul.

**Coffee King says-** ...I'm shocked.

**Rhys says-** that I love her

**Coffee King says-** No, that she used to have friends. weird.

**The Doctor says-** well at least we now know where he gets his sarcasm from * looks at master*

**The Master says-** :D Why thank you.

**Rhys says-** how dare you insult my gwennykins! I'm leaving!

_**-Rhys has left the conversation-**_

**Tosh says- **Gwennykins?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** I think I just threw up a little.

_**-Danny has entered the conversation-**_

**The Boss says-** I'm sorry who are you?

**Danny says-** I'm the pizza delivery boy at the Domino's pizza near you

**The Boss says-** and we should know you because...

**Danny says-** Oh here we go again! Nobody even stops to think of the poor pizza boy! You guys order from us every week, and I'm always the one to drop it off! What do you think would happen if I didn't 'ay?I'll tell you what would happen. Mr Jones here would have to come and get it, and risk getting run oer by traffic. Then, if he got run over by traffic Harkness would go into serious grief, and leave earth to try and find a way to die. The Master would get annoyed and blow up the driver who killed him, the rest of torchwood would run to the scene of the crime and find out it was him, Tosh would be appointed leader and kill herself due to the stress and then owen would kill himself to avoid being stuck alone with Gwen, and then Captain John Hart would get annoyed and go out with the Master on a killing spree and the Doctor would be too busy trying to stop them to worry about earth so the earth would be run by GWEN. So really, when you think about it, I'M THE REAL SAVIOUR OF THE HUMAN RACE.

**Coffee King says-** ... well you could technically argue that I could die anyway doing anything and that would all still happen so technically I'm the saviour.

**Tosh says-** yep that sounds about right

**The Boss says-** yep, sorry dude, gotta agree

**Danny says-** oh yeah, well what's so special about you anyway? You're not important, ANYONE COULD DO YOUR JOB. all you do is muck around in those stupid archives!

**The Doctor says-** ...oh dear dude, shouldn't of done that.

**Coffee King says- **are you calling... my archives... STUPID? :|

**Danny says-** you know what? yeah, yeah I am!

**Tosh says-** seriously, please stop before you get hurt...

**Danny-** and do you know what else?

**The Boss says- **oh god no, he's gonna go there!

**Danny says-** your suits are stupid too!

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ohhhh he went there!

**Tosh says-** Ianto? Ianto honey are you okay?

**The Master says-** Ianto? You alright?

**Coffee King says-** ...

**The Boss says- **are you alri-

**Coffee King says-** YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT THE GOOD THING ABOUT SUITS ARE? I'LL STILL LOOK PROFESSIONAL WHEN I KICK THE CRAP OUT OF YOU AND THROW YOUR SORRY REMAINS IN A BLENDER! AND DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT ELSE? I THINK I'M GOING TO GO TO YOUR STUPID DOMINOS PIZZA PLACE AND BURN THE FUCKING PLACE DOWN WITH YOU INSIDE, AND THEN WE'LL SEE HOW WE GET ALONG WITHOUT YOU, AND I THINK WE'LL BE JUST FINE BECAUSE WE WON'T BE GETTING MOANED AT ALL THE TIME BY SILLY FUCKING PIZZA WORKERS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE TO THE WORLD WHEN REALLY THEY'RE DOOMED TO LIVE A LIFE OF WORKING IN PIZZA HUT BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BUSY TRYING TO ACTUALLY GET SOME FRIENDS RATHER THEN DOING THEIR FUCKING GCSES! AND IF YOU DO DIE NOBODY WOULD CARE BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST A USELESS SPECK OF DUST ON THIS EARTH WHO WILL NEVER BE OF ANY IMPORTANCE TO ANYBODY!

**Danny says-** ...WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

_**-Danny has left the conversation-**_

**Tosh says- **wow Ianto, I never knew that you could be so...

**Coffee King says-** evil?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** yeah...

**The Master says-** I did. He is my son after all. Plus, who do you think invented the idea of the Toclafane? :D

**Tosh says- **:O

**The Boss says- **:O

**The Doctor says- **:O

**Coffee King says- **I bet those humans regret calling me names now :D

**The Boss says-** O.o

_**-Grhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Grhys says-** oi teaboy, get me a coffee

**Tosh says-** Er... Gwen I don't really think that you should talk to Ianto like that...

**Grhys says- **why not?

**Tosh says-** ... never mind...

**Coffee King says-** :D

_A/N: Because we all know Ianto is the TRUE saviour of the human race. _

_Wooo 2000 words, record. I'm so proud :') any characters you want in the next chapter let me know xxx_


	9. Ill!

_A/N: This chapter is dedicated to __**puppylove**__, because her review made ME have a laughing/coughing fit and die. And I really hope this chapter is good enough to get my whole company of cookies. The theme for this chapter is ill. Because that's what I am, ill. _

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation- **_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Grhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Tosh says-** ah, good, we're all together for once

**Mr Sarcastic says-** Well we're allbored, so all signed on. Sitting at home doing nothing is so boring :(

**The Boss says-** This is why, when an employee has the flu. they should NOT come in to work, and this way, the rest of the team don't catch it!

**Grhys says-** sorry guyyssss :( xxx it seemed like a good idea to come in at the time :( xxx

**Coffee King says-** well I'm not complaining, I get to curl up in bed and put my feet up for once

**The Boss says-** speaking of feet, put your right one back under the cover, it'll get cold

**Tosh says-** wait... you're together?

**The Boss says-** yeah, snuggled up under the covers. it's niiiiccceeeee :D

**Mr Sarcastic says- **Wait... so you're sitting next to eachother... on seperate laptops... speaking to eachother on msn?

**Coffee King says-** well we were considering just uing one laptop... but alternating it between us to speak would get confusing. Jack- stop fondling my knee!

**Tosh says-** ...I'll never understand you two...

**Mr Sarcastic says-** you know what we should do? seeing as we're all sitting here doing nothing?

**Grhys says-** what? xx

**Mr Sarcastic says-** play that game where you all say a sentence to make a story

**Coffee King says-** oh, the one were you take it in turns to say a sentence, and the sentence can be no longer then ten words?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** yeah, and you can't change it once you've typed it, you can't go back

**Tosh says- ** right okay then, I'll start. Once upon a time there was a girl called

**The Boss says-** Gwen. Gwen was just a normal girl, but really

**Grhys says-** she was a princess! :D one day a handsome prince

**Coffee King says- **saw her face in a mirror, and so he

**Mr Sarcastic says-** and promptly threw up at the sight of it

**Grhys says-** OWEN! xxx ok lets stop now

**Tosh says-** No way! It's just getting interesting! He asked what the foul beast's name was and

**The Boss says-** and she said "Gwen but the boys call me

**Coffee King says-** Shrek, or occasionally the swamp monster from most nightmares"

**Grhys says-** guuuyyyysssss :(

**Mr Sarcastic says-** The prince looked at the foul maiden and then

**Tosh says-** tried to claw out his eyes from the sight

**Grhys says-** I hate you all! :( :( :( :(

_**-Grhys has left the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ... well that was entertaining. So what do we do now?

**The Boss-** how about

**Coffee King says- **no Jack, we are not playing naked hide and seek

**The Boss says-** :(

**Tosh says-** ...I always wondered what you two did once the rest of us left... anyway, how about Truth?

**Coffee King says-** yeah alright, I'll start. Owen, do you have a secret talent and what is it?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** Yes. I can play the recorder perfectly with my right nostril.

**Tosh says-** ...

**Mr Sarcastic says-** It's a gift from God, I embrace it. Anyways, my turn. Tosh, has anyone ever seen you picking your nose?

**Tosh says- **eww Owen that's disgusting! but...yes. Ok I have one for Ianto. What was your dream when you were younger?

**Coffee King says-** I know you'll probably all be slightly worried about my sanity but... I always wanted to make every single computer spontaneously combust at the same time

**Mr Sarcastic says-** wait... didn't that happen in 1997?

**Coffee King says-** my dad helped me with the chemicals :D

**The Boss -** O.o

**Coffee King says-** okay my go. Jack... have you ever fallen in love?

**Tosh says-** oohhhh ;)

**Mr Sarcastic says-** hoping it's you Teaboy?

**Tosh says-** Ianto?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** Iannnttooo?

**Coffee King says-** sorry, I was busy getting my face snogged off

_**-JennyKicksArse has entered the conversation-**_

**JennyKicks arse says-** ewww too much information Bro ;) (a/n: sorry if you wanted sibling rivalry, but i reckon they'd get along xD)

**Coffee King says-** Jenny! Guys, meet Jenny, my half sister, and the doctor's daughter. I'm not even going to bother telling you all the details

**The Boss says-** you can tell us later. Anyway, it's nice to meet you

**JennyKicksArse says-** awww thanks :) I'm aboard the valiant right now, the other two are in the bedroom. I don't even want to _think_ about what they're doing. Anyway, Ianto, you gonna introduce me to your mates?

**Coffee King says- ** of course!first of all we have Jack, the leader of torchwood three, and also my boyfriend

**The Boss says-** yooooooo

**Coffee King says-** he has an obsession with flirting, sex and the toys you get out of kinder eggs

**The Boss says-** I've collected 324 :D

**Coffee King says-** Next we have Tosh. She's our technological genius. She has an IQ higher then most humans, loves CSI and has more STARWARS action figures then anyone should ever own.

**Tosh says-** hi :) and they're worth a lot of money!

**Coffee King says-** and then there's Owen, our medic. He's dating a certain Captain John Hart, hacks an autopsy body to peices when he's angry, and, thanks to an earlier game of truth, we know he can play the recorder perfectly with his left nostril.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** heyyyy :) and it's my right nostril actually

**Coffee King says-** and last, and most definately least, we have Gwen Cooper. She's annoying. enough said.

**JennyKicksArse says-** Isn't she the one you call a man stealing, wide eys, no good slut?

**Coffee King says-** yep, that's her.

**JennyKicksArse says-** what are you all doing on msn? Surely you should be off fighting aliens or something?

**The Boss says-** we _should ___be, but Gwen gave us all the flu, so we're sitting at home bored out of our minds

**JennyKicksArse says-** well that sucks.

**Tosh says-** I know right?

**JennyKicksArse says- **__I remember when I last had the flu, I was in bed for like a week

**Coffee King says-** I remember when I had chicken pox as a kid, and being in bed for what seemed like foreverrrrrrrr

**Mr Sarcastic says-** I used to pick at mine.

**The Boss says-** I remember when I was ill once, I sneezed in a lady's face

**Tosh says-** ookkkaayyyy I can quickly see this turning into another dodgey conversation, lets change the subject now

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** alright, who here's been insulting my babe?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** That would be us. Sorry, we were bored and ill

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** well don't yeah, she has the beauty of a thousand setting suns

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** I'm sorry, who do you  think you are? Only I can talk about her like that coz she's my girlfriend!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** she's too good for you, innit

**Rhys says-** yeah she is, but you're no better for her! I love her with all my heart!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** pahhhlleeeaaaseeee. I can give her the love she deserves

_**-Grhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Grhys says-** OMG, guys are fighting over me! :D xxxxxx

**Coffee King says-** Don't get used to it.

**Rhys says-** I have never felt more alive when our bodies are intwined!

**Tosh says-** alrriiigghhhtt that's it they're talking about Gwen sex, I'm leaving.

_**-Tosh has left the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has left the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has left the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has left the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you wanna fight bruv?

**Rhys says-** YEAH! LET'S TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rhys has left the conversation-**_

**JennyKicksArse says-** wow, being ill at torchwood sounds like fun

**Grhys says-** everything at torchwood is fun! hi, my name's gwen

**JennyKicksArse says-** sorry, I don't waste my time talking to stupid people

_**-JennyKicksArse has left the conversation-**_

**Grhys says- ** :(

_A/N: I know that ending was a bit random, but I couldn't think of anything :P Please review telling me what you thought, along with what you want to happen next._

_Much love xxxxxxx_


	10. River song?

_A/N: This chapter is dedicated to two people. First of all to __**rezeupter**__ for the chapter idea. If you have any more fantastic ideas feel free to let me know ;) And also to __**Janto4ever **__for the message, it really brightened my day to hear from you :D I hope the both of you like it xxxxx_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation- **_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Master has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Doctor has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Grhys has entered the conversation- **_

_**-Captain sexyy has entered the conversation- **_

**Tosh says-** hey guys :D thank god the flu is gone.

**The Boss says- **I know right? And we're all here. So lets just enjoy a nice, quiet non insane conversation on msn.

_**-RunRiverRun has entered the conversation-**_

**RunRiverRun says- **hello sweetie!

**The Doctor says-** well, I guess that plan's gone.

**The Master says-** ermmm... who is this... and... WHY DID SHE CALL YOU SWEETIE?

**The Doctor says-** This is River Song. I've bumped into her a few times, and to be honest I'm still unsure of who she is myself. She's from my future.

**The Master says-** what are you, a companion or something?

**RunRiverRun says-** nu-uh, can't tell you, spoilers... anyway, how you been honey?

**Coffee King says-** I can sense this isn't going to turn out well...

**The Master says- **HONEY? FIRST SWEETIE NOW HONEY? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

**RunRiverRun says-** spoilers! Anyways, Doctor, how have you been? I see your standards have... dropped since I last saw you

**The Master says-** WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? : : : :

**Grhys says-** she means you're not good enough :D xxxx

**Captain sexyy says-** Gwen... just stay out of it yeah?

**The Doctor says-** Now come on River, that's a bit rude...

**RunRiverRun says-** I'm sorry sweetie, I'll be nicer to your tag alongs in future :) xxx

**The Master says-** Now... river... I'm sure you're a very nice person so I'll put this bluntly for you... FUCKING STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN. thanks, _sweetie _:D

**RunRiverRun says-** ... so... who are the rest of you?

**The Boss says-** Me, Tosh, Owen, Gwen and Ianto are all a part of torchwood three,

**Captain sexyy says-** And I'm just the cute one that wanders in causing trouble :D

**The Boss says-** -.-

**Mr Sarcastic says-** well you have to admit, he is very cute :D

**RunRiverRun says-** so who's the leader of torchwood three then?

**The Boss says-** that would be me

**RunRiverRun says-** Ah, I figured that would be you, you do sound very authoritive... ;)

**The Boss says-** well... I do try my best...

**Coffee King says- **:O

**The Master says-** WHAT? she just skips from one man to the other? It's like GWEN!

**Grhys says-** hey! xxxxx I'm no slut xxxx

**Tosh says-** ...

**RunRiverRun says- **I figure torchwood three must be a fabulous operation, what, with a man like you in charge

**The Boss says-** why thank you, you're not so bad yourself ;)

**Coffee King says-** I AM STANDING RIGHT HERE YOU KNOW!

**The Boss says-** It's okay Ianto, it's just a harmless bit of flirting, it means nothing

**RunRiverRun says-** yeah coffeeboy, don't get your pants in a twist

**Coffee King says-** : !

**The Master says-** Jack... I suggest you stop flirting with people who aren't my son.. .before I cut out your intestines and make you eat them

**RunRiverRun says-** wow, those two are really agressive, Doctor, clearly your bad taste in men has rubbed off on Jack :P

**The Doctor says- **:P

**The Master says-** it's not fucking funny!

**Mr Sarcastic says-** wow Doctor+Jack, looks like you two aren't getting any action tonight

**RunRiverRun says- **if they want action... I'm always available ;)

**The Boss says-** ;)

**Coffee King says- **: !

**The Master says-** and to think I was about to give you my blessing to date my son! Well that's all gone now.

**Tosh says-** ooooooooooooh!

**The Boss says-** wait, what? No no no! I'm sorry! Please don't reconsider! I do love your son, I really do... I'm just a terrible flirt

**Captain sexyy says-** it's true.

**The Master says-** well you better stop it, else I'll be using your head to clean the weevil cages

**Coffee King says-** Dad!

**The Master says- **I'm allowed to say that, I'm your dad :D Obviously your other father is too busy flirting with river to care...

**The Doctor says-** I'm not flirting with her! Look River, I'm sorry, but I already have a partner, I can't go out with you

**RunRiverRun says-** who cares about partners? I have four husbands and I still date other people!

**Mr Sarcastic says-** John, I'm warning you now, if you EVER try that on me I will kill you

**Captain sexyy says- **I do love it when you get possesive ;)

**The Master says-** ok, let me just make something perfectly clear now, the Doctor is MINE. Jack is IANTO'S. 'kay?

**The Doctor says-** ahhh I do love it when you get jealous ;)

**The Master says- **that's a shame, coz you're sleeping on the sofa tonight

**The Doctor says-** ooohhhhh :(

**Captain sexyy says-** I just thought of something... is your name actually river?

**RunRiverRun says-** yes...

**Mr Sarcastic says- **hahahahahahahahahaha! That's like the most stupid name ever!

**RunRiverRun says-** Hey, my name is not stupid, it's original!

**The Master says- **what if she married someone called John Fish or something? xD

**Tosh says- **Oh god, here they go again. I'm gonna leave them too it

_**-Tosh has left the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has left the conversation- **_

**The Boss says-** yeah, I'm gonna go and grovel to Ianto to not put me on a sex ban

_**-The Boss has left the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** so what, was your mother drunk when she named you or something?

**The Master says- **or could she just not think of a name so named you after the first thing she saw?

**Captain sexyy says-** what was your surname again?

**RunRiverRun says-** ... song.

**The Master says-** HAHAHAHHA!

**RunRiverRun says-** it's not funny! :(

**Mr Sarcastic says- **River song! haha :P

**Captain sexyy says-** could of been worse, it could of been river cottage

**The Master says-** hahahahahaha!

**RunRiverRun says-** oh shut up! :(

**Grhys says-** it's ok, I like you're name :) xxx

**Mr Sarcastic says-** Gwen likes your name? wow, it really must be shit!

**Grhys says-** :(

_A/N: and there we have it, chapter ten :D also, can I ask you guys a question? How long do you think this fic should continue for? _


	11. The story OF WEEVIL

_A/N: When I asked you how long this fic should go on for, so many of you said such lovely things, like forvever, and I'm so grateful to you all for taking the time to read and review this story :) I hope you stay with me for the rest of the journey, so far it's been a pleasure. And seeing as some of you really wanted chav weevil, aka. big C back, this chapter is devoted to him. Here we have: THE STORY... OF WEEVIL._

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation- **_

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ohhey err... big C we haven't seen you on here in a while

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeah, well today's a special day that I wanna share with y'all.

**Coffee King says-** what is it?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** today... iz me 21st birthday, yu no

**Tosh says-** ermmm wow congrats? :D

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I figured I'd sahre it with you guys even though you're meant to kill me 'nd all dat but I don't have no other peeps to tell, innit

**Mr Sarcastic says-** errr that's really sad? :(

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** would you all like to 'ear y?

**The Boss says-** errmmm sorry but we don't really have time to-

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I can destroy dis 'ole city if I felt lyk it

**The Boss says-** Of course we'd love to hear your story! :D

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** aww thanx mate. Ok, It all began when eye woz born, ( a sewer in blackpool if any of youz fancii visiting). Me dad 'ad run off to go be withh some poodle bitch _(A/N: __**sliceless-**__ see, I managed to fit weevil/poodle in xD)_ 'nd me mum blamed me. I left 'ome 16 2 follow me dream

**Coffee King says-** which is...?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** 2 b a world famous male model :D

**Coffee King says-** wait... YOU want to be a MALE MODEL? HAHAHAHAHAHA

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeah, coz I am F to the I to the T, got a problem with that?

**Coffee King says- **ermm no of course not

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** anywayz, I walked via. underground to cardiff, and got 1 of me m8s 2 sort out a meeting with me and Valentino

**Tosh says-** VALENTINO?

**I IZ WEEVIL says- ** can it babe, I iz trying to speak. Anywayz, he said I had swagger, and he woz digging de whole sewer look, but I needed surgery, so then I decided to be a fashion designer instead

**The Boss says-** oh yeah, i iz well famous man, my designs are all over the world!

**Mr Sarcastic says-** what's the label?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Gucci

**Tosh says-** ...OMFG.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** but den some bitch came and took over my role as head, so I was out of a job again, and I spent all me money on gum.

**Coffee King says- **you spent ten odd million... ON GUM?

**I IZ WEEVIL says- ** well a man is nothing without is gum, ya get me? So den I travelled to de very centre of de city and dat's where I met me love, Janet

**The Boss says-** I'm sorry, did you say Janet?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeah, Janet. corr she woz 1 proper fittie

**Tosh says-** O.o

**I IZ WEEVIL says- ** y, 'ave u seen er?

**Coffee King says-** nope

**Mr Sarcastic says-** never seen her before

**Tosh says- **name doesn't ring a bell

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** awww shame, coz we were just in bed 'nd she went to get some food and never came back, I waz bare sad. innit :(

**Coffee King says-** wow, weird.

**The Boss says-** yeah, she's probably in... erm...

**Tosh says-** portugal.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** errr yeah, Portugal...

**Coffee King says-** I hear it's very... sunny there?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I hear some bastards captured her : If I ever see dem I will kill dem all!

**The Boss says-** O.o

**Tosh says- **well ermm if we see them we'll let you know :D

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** anywayz, without Janet me life felt a bit empty, you no wot I'm sayin? So I went and murdered a couple of villages and all dat, for stress relief, and den my life went proper down 'ill. I started taking some proper 'eavy stuff

**Mr Sarcastic says-** what, like cannabis?

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **nahh, gummy bears. I got propa hooked, got sent to drug rehab 'nd every ting.

**Coffee King says-** ...erm... poor you?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** before I went in, I woz taken 37 a day, life got propa caotic, you get me bruv? But now I got me life back on track, ya kno?

**Tosh says- **err... yeah...

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** but since I started laying low on de gummy bears me m8s don't wanna hang round me no more, they reckon I've gone soft. So I've spent me birthday alone.

**Mr Sarcastic says-** you...poor thing?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** thanx fam. Anywayz tings r beginning to look up, I met some peng bird down at de club, who says she lyks her men monster like, woteva dat means, so we're meeting up l8er nd getting some action, ya get me? ;)

**The Boss says-** ...make sure you use protection?

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **pahhh, you can bet I'm using protection, already got 4 boiis and 6 girls, don't want no more thanx!

**Coffee King says-** ,,,

**Tosh says-** .. that's slightly disturbing.

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **sorri guyz, but I gotta fly, meeting a man round de corner 'ho reckons 'e can get me de movie eclipse cheap

**Mr Sarcastic says-** ...that movie isn't out on dvd yet...

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeah, it's pirated

**Mr Sarcastic says-** isn't that illegal?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeah, it is, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH DAT BRUV?

**Mr Sarcastic says-** um, no of course not, not at all, have a lovely evening mr weevil sir!

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation- **_

**Coffee King says-** ...wow, I never knew Weevils could be so _complicated_!

_A/N: Hope you liked :) Unfortunately, this was the last chapter... :( haha just kidding, just wanted to make sure you were paying attention ;) please review :)_

_much love xxxxx_


	12. Narnia :D

_A/N: I'm loving all the feedback I'm getting from you guys about this story, you're all legends :D This one is gonna be a shorty. Well I say that, but I may get carried away a bit, who knows :Pxxxx_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Master has entered the conversation-**_

**The Master says-** hey, what you to up to today?

**Coffee King says-** well after work we're going on a date to this new italian restaurant nearby.

**The Boss says-** And I'm looking forward to ever minute of it, with your wonderful son

**The Master says-** stop sucking up to me Harkness

**The Boss says-** yes sir, sorry sir :/

**The Master says-** so... do you two have any plans of marrrying?

**Coffee King says-** omg dad shut up please

**The Boss says-** well, Ianto's only in his mid twenties, we need to wait a while before considering it :)

**The Master says-** and you're hundreds of years old. You know, the more I think about it the more it's sounding like peadophilia.

**Coffee King says-** dad!

**The Boss says-** I can assure you sir, I'd never do anything to upset your son in any way

**The Master says-** oh but shooting his girlfriend didn't upset him then?

**Coffee King says- **DAAAAAAADDD!

_**-Cyberbabe has entered the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says-** ...

**Cyberbabe says-** IANTO! IT'S ME, LISA!

**Coffee King says-** but how is that even possible, Owen performed an autopsy!

**Cyberbabe says- **no he didn't, he was meant to, but then he saw an advert for the new mcdonalds chicken burger on tv so went there instead -.-

**The Boss says-** I am going to KILL that man...

**Cyberbabe says-** so I waited, pretending to be dead, charged back up and here I am!

**The Master says-** ...I swear you were trying to kill them all last time...

**Cyberbabe says-** yeah, but I got myself a counseller, sorted out my obsession with killing and now I'm fine! :D So... you free tonight?

**The Master says- **...you know, I'm liking this. Dump Harkness, date her :D

**The Boss says-** but she tried to kill him!

**The Master says-** ... nope, she's still better then you :D

**Cyberbabe says- **so what do ya say babe? ;)

**Coffee King says- **Lisa... for a long time I loved you... and then you died and my world was in pieces...

**Cyberbabe says-** awww honey :')

**Coffee King says- **..then Jack came along and I realised he was so much better then you. Sorry. :)

**Cyberbabe says-** WHAT? WHAT HAS HE GOT THAT I DON'T HAVE? I'm pretty, clever, and will never leave you for somebody else like he will!

**The Boss says- **... I can sharpen pencils by putting them in my ear :D

**The Master says-** way to help yourself out Jack.

**Coffee King says-** I'm sorry Lisa

**Cyberbabe says-** :( !

_**-Cyberbabe has left the conversation-**_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Sarcastic says-** um... Ianto... why did we see your crazy ex cyber girlfriend pushing cars off the bridge shouting "FUCK THEM ALL" on the way in here?

**The Boss says-** so Owen, what's this about getting a new mcdonalds chicken burger when you were meant to be doing your work? :(

**Mr Sarcastic says-** yeah... about that... Gotta go bye!

_**-Mr Sarcastic has left the conversation-**_

**Tosh says-** ...you know what? I'm not even gonna ask.

**Coffee King says-** that's wise, very wise.

_**-KissFromARose has entered the conversation-**_

**KissFromARose says-** oh god, have any of you seen the doctor?

**The Master says-** yes, why, and who the hell are you?

**KissFromARose says- **I'm rose, I've FINALLY managed to get back to normal earth, we got seperated, I need to let him know I'm alright

**Tosh says-** awwww, that's so sad :(

**KissFromARose says-** I know right? we were together as well, If you get what I mean ;)

**The Master says-** well, sorry to upset you but he's moved on.

_**-The Doctor has entered the conversation-**_

**The Doctor says-** Rose?

**KissFromARose says-** Doctor! Oh Doctor I've missed you!

**The Doctor says-** Oh Rose, I've missed you too!

**The Master says-** Excuse me, I'm trying to hold down the VOMIT.

**KissFromARose says-** Life was so boring without you! I'm coming down to cardiff to meet you now, and we can fly away together, like back in the good old days

**The Master says-** ha?

**The Doctor says-** I'm sure the master won't mind

**The Master says-** oh yes the master fucking will!

**Coffee King says-** oh dear...

**KissFromARose says-** It'll be just like back in the good old days, us two together, travelling the universe, visiting the stars...

**The Master says-** and where will I be in all of this then? Tied up, visiting the inside of a wardrobe, travelling narnia?

**KissFromARose says-** Jack! It's you!

**The Boss says-** you made me immortal. FOREVER.

**KissFromARose says-** oops, yeah, sorry about that, hehe :D

**The Boss says-** Master, come with me, I have an idea

_**-The Master has left the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has left the conversation-**_

**The Doctor says-** I'm sorry Rose, we can travel together, but I am already very much in love.

**KissFromARose says-** oh don't worry about him Doctor, he'll get over it. After all, I am a lot more attractive then hi-

_**-KissFromARose has left the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Master has entered the conversation- **_

**Tosh says-** ...what did you two do?

**The Boss says-** I promise to help get rid of her, if the Master promised not to complain about me and Ianto being together for two weeks :D

**Coffee King says-** so where did you put her?

**The Master says- **oh, she's just off visiting somewhere

**-cut to Rose-**

**KissFromARose says- **Jack?

**KissFromARose says- **master?

**KissFromARose says- **Seriously guys, let me out of the wardrobe now...

**KissFromARose says- **guys?

**KissFromARose says- **seriously, it's dark, cramped and I really need a wee...

**KissFromARose says- **guys...

**KissFromARose says- **guyss?

**- and back -**

**The Doctor says- **so where's she visiting?

**The Master says-** Narnia :D

**Tosh says- **O.o

**Coffee King says-** ...oh dear...

**The Boss says-** :D

**The Master says-** :D

_A/N: See, the boys bonded over something, their annoyance with Rose! Please review and let me know what you thought :) much love xxxxxx_


	13. who dear? Me dear?

_A/N: Loving all the reviews guys, I don't think you lot realise how awesome you are :)xxxxx_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Captain sexyy has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Master has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Doctor has entered the conversation- **_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Sarcastic has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Grhys has entered the conversation- **_

**Tosh says-** hey guys, how we all doing?

**Mr Sarcastic says- **well, I was annoyed because I spilt coffee Down my new shirt, but then I used a chainsaw on the dead body I was autopsying and now I feel fine :D

**Captain sexyy says-** ...remind me never to forget our anniversary

**Coffee King says-** so... other then Owen taking out his anger on a dead body, has anyone done anything exciting?

**The Master says-** I blew up the bank of England :D

**The Doctor says-** that was you?

**The Master says-** yep. It was fuuuuunnnnnn.

**Tosh says-** ... I worry about you sometimes. Anyways, nothing much is happening with the rift, something came through earlier but it was nothing to worry about

**Grhys says-** It was a limited edition my little pony annual! :D xxxx

**The Doctor says-** well guys, while we're all here I wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine. She was travelling with me for a little while but then left

**The Master says-** Oh ggrrreeaaattt, another companion for me to fend off.

**The Doctor says-** No, it's not like that, she doesn't fancy me. And speaking of companions, Rose says it was you and Jack who locked her in that closet and not Gwen like you said it was?

**Grhys says-** hey! xxxx

**The Boss says-** nope, it was definately Gwen.

**The Master says-** she confessed to us and everything.

**The Doctor says-** well don't think you can go scaring this one off, she's as tough as nails, our Donna

_**-DonnaTheGreat has entered the conversation-**_

**DonnaTheGreat says-** hello spaceboy!

**The Doctor says- **Donna, I'd like you to meet Torchwood Three. Remember? Jack, Ianto, Owen, Gwen and Tosh, I showed you the photo

**DonnaTheGreat says-** oh yeah, and the picture of your .

**The Master says-** He told you about me?

**DonnaTheGreat says-** oh yeah, didn't shut up about you

**The Doctor says-** Okay Donna, that's enough for now :S

**DonnaTheGreat says-** Had loads of pictures of you and everything

**Captain sexyy says- **!

**The Doctor says- **Really Donna, nobody needs to know about that

**The Master says-** Oh yes we do, feel free to carry on Miss Noble :D

**DonnaTheGreat says-** Oh you should of seen one photo, he'd outlined it with little hearts and everything, it was so sweet. Put it under his pillow and everything. Sweet, but a tad creepy

**The Doctor says-** DONNA!

**DonnaTheGreat says-** oops. Have I said to much then?

**Coffee King says-** No, you were fine :P Hahaha poor dad :P

**The Master says-** You know, I think this may be one of your companions that I actually like... :)

**DonnaTheGreat says-** So what you been up to spaceboy? Having fun travelling?

**The Doctor says-** yeah, it's been good. What about you?

**DonnaTheGreat says-** yeah, it's alright. Bit boring though, nothing to do really, other then complain to Tiffany down the road about taxes and whatever. Some people can be so _boring._

**The Master says-** you'll have to come and travel with us then!

**Grhys says-** I thought you didn't like his companions?

**The Master says-** I don't, but Donna Noble is cool. It's nice to meet one who doesn't either fall in love with him or worship the ground he walks on

**DonnaTheGreat says-** You're not too bad yourself :D So... torchwood, caught any good aliens recently?

**Mr Sarcastic says- **You're very...

**DonnaTheGreat says-** annoying? persuasive? Rude? I get that last one a lot, specially from old ladies. Not my fault they take so long to get off the blooming bus, anyone would of shoved past them!

**Captain sexyy says-** ...Loud

**DonnaTheGreat says-** Who dear? Me dear? Loud dear? no dear!

**Coffee King says-** ... point proven.

**Grhys says- ** so how did you find out about aliens? xxxx

**DonnaTheGreat says-** ...for some reason I don't like you. In fact I find you rather irritating, like a damn fly that won't stop buzzing in my face

**The Boss says-** trust me, you're not alone. She's hated by pretty much everyone

**Grhys says-** how can you hate me already! I've barely said anything! :( xxx

**DonnaTheGreat says-** Anyway, to answer the question, the Doctor showed up on my wedding and we found out my fiance had been cheating on me with a giant spider

**Tosh says-** ...ouch.

**The Master says-** I feel so sorry for you

**DonnaTheGreat says- **thanks mate. Anyways... I'm off, gotta go get milk for grandad. Bye!

_**-DonnaTheGreat has left the conversation- **_

**The Doctor says-** so what do you think of Donna? Isn't she great?

**Tosh says- ** who dear?

**The Boss says- **Donna dear?

**Coffee King says- **great dear?

**The Master says-** yes dear :D

_**-DonnaTheGreat has entered the conversation-**_

**DonnaTheGreat says-** I like you guys and all, but EVER use one of my catch phrases again and I'll shove your ID cards up where the sun don't shine.

_**-DonnaTheGreat has left the conversation-**_

**Captain sexyy says -** Yep, she's a keeper alright.

**The Master says-** yeah, let's not let her go

**The Doctor says-** Don't worry, I don't intend to :)

_A/N: And there we had Donna Noble. What did you think? I think I may make Donna a regular, I had fun writing her. Review please :) xxxx_


	14. No Ladiez for Big C

_A/N: Sorry there was no chapter yesterday guys, I was busy. Hope this one makes up for it :) xxx_

_**-The Doctor has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has entered the conversation- **_

_**-Tosh has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

**The Boss says-** hey Doctor, you where meant to come round to the hub half an hour ago

**Tosh says-** yeah, to check our security system remember?

**The Doctor says-** Yeah I know, but then I remembered what day it was, and didn't wanna go incase the Master was there

**The Boss says- **why, what day is it today?

**Coffee King says-** well, you know we have april fools day? A day where we all pull pranks on eachother? we had that on gallifrey, except it was called the festival of laughter.

**The Doctor says-** yes, and your father is famous for his pranks, they're not only terrible, but mentally and emotionally scaring

**Coffee King says-** you can all guess who usually bears the brunt of his jokes

**The Doctor says-** It's not funny! Last time I was with him on the festival of laughs he tied me to a flagpole with his mother!

**The Boss says-** well...that doesn't sound so bad...

**Coffee King says-** trust me, you've never met my nan. She hates him.

**The Doctor says-** everytime she sees me she beats me with that bloody walking stick! By the time your father finally relented and let me down I was covered in bruises!

**Tosh says-** there must be a reason why she hates you, surely?

**The Doctor says-** yeah, but it was years ago! And I mean, it was only a minor incident and really she should of forgotten it and moved on by now

**The Boss says-** Doctor... what did you do?

**Coffee King says-** he was doing an experiment and accidently managed to set her house on fire

**Tosh says- **DOCTOR!

**The Doctor says- **it was an accident!

_**-The Master has entered the conversation-**_

**The Master says-** Ah, Doctor, there you are! Where are you?

**The Doctor says-** as if I'm going to tell you!

**The Master says-** Ianto?

**The Doctor says-** Don't tell him Ianto!

**The Boss says-** yeah, stay strong!

**Coffee King says-** I will never tell!

**The Master says-** Did you know that he was the one who smashed the coffee machine the other day?

**Coffee King says-** that was YOU?

**The Doctor says-** no it wasn't! I told you it was myfanwy!

**Coffee King says-** Right thats it, he's in the massive park behind the Halifax building

**The Master says-** :D

_** -The Master has left the conversation-**_

**The Doctor says-** oh god, gotta hid!

_**-The Doctor has left the conversation-**_

**Tosh says-** ..Ianto, it really was Myfanwy who broke the machine...

**Coffee King says-** Oh I know, I'd just rather him then me

**The Boss says-** ...you're so much like the master it's scary. ...I love it.

**Coffee King says-** ;)

_**-Coffee King has left the conversation-**_

_**-The Boss has left the conversation-**_

**Tosh says-** I don't even wanna think about what they've left to do.

_**-Tosh has left the conversation- **_

_**-DonnaTheGreat has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Hey fitt-ay!

**DonnaTheGreat says- **you talking to me?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeahh, big C loves a red head, he does

**DonnaTheGreat says-** well, "Big C" can shove off and find _another_ red head to like

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** ohhhh, fiery, weevil lyykkkssss ;)

**DonnaTheGreat says-** well Donna doesn't, so shove off

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you know you can't resist the charms of WEEVIL _(A/N: I cracked up writing that xD)_

**DonnaTheGreat says-** I can resist the charms of WEEVIL just fine, now get lost

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** deep down, you want me baby ;)

**DonnaTheGreat says-** I don't date martians

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** good job I ain't one, ay? ;)

**DonnaTheGreat says-** Listen space beast, I AIN'T INTERESTED!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** aw come on, you know you wanna get some action

_**-Janet is THE SEX has entered the conversation-**_

**Janet is THE SEX says-** Big C? Finally after years I find you again and you're cheating on me with some slaggy human bitch?

**DonnaTheGreat says-** OI! who you calling SLAGGY?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Janet... long ago I loved you. But... well, I've moved on. Me nd Ma chick are happy together, don't go starting something

**DonnaTheGreat says-** for the last time, I AIN'T YOUR CHICK OR YOUR BABE, OR YOUR RED HEAD, GOT IT?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** how about being the circle to my line? ;)

**DonnaTheGreat says-** you're DISGUSTING!

**Janet is THE SEX says- **Big C, we had something, and we still can!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** feel free to join us, a pimp's gotta have more then one babe after all

**DonnaTheGreat says-** LISTEN SPACE BEAST, I AM NOT YOUR PROSTITUTE. GO AND FUCK OF BACK TO THE SEWERS, SWAMP THING

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** right... a have no chane with the human babe, so Janet, we together again?

**Janet is THE SEX says-** -slaps-

_** Janet is THE SEX has left the conversation-**_

**DonnaTheGreat says-** oohhh, beef!

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **look what you've done! Now Big C has no ladies, Innit!

**DonnaTheGreat says-** does my face look bovvered?

_A/N: Ahhh, gotta love Donna :') Review and tell me what you thought, also what possible msn names the gang could have, I fancy changing them :) the best names will be chosen and the chapter dedicated to them :) much love xxxx_


	15. OMFG

_A/N: Hey Guys. Before I start I'd just like to say a few things. First of I recieved an anonymous review saying fanfiction in __chat room format was not allowed? The name just said reported so I assume I've been reported? Will the fic will be deleted? Because it'll be a shame, I enjoy writing it. Anyone who has any info. let me know. Secondly, this chapter is dedicated to _

_**Chasing aspirations-**__ for her Ianto, Tosh, Donna and John name. I especially loved John and Ianto ;)_

_**Super Cali-**__ for her Doctor and Gwen name. Loved the Gwen name, even if it does take forever to type :P _

_**Rezeupter- **__For her master name, and because whatever __you__ do it's bound to be awesome. _

_**Randomness 6- **__for her Jack name. Loving It ;) thanks guys. also, sorry if you are not in fact a her xxxx_

_**-That's Harassment Sir has entered the conversation-**_

_**-My m!lkshake br!ngz all teh boyz to da yard has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation- **_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love Sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here Come The Drums has entereed the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the Conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Owen!

**I love Sex says-** yup?

**Sex Techie says-** your name!

**I love Sex says-** what? It's true...

**Hartbreaker says-** And don't I know it ;)

**Here Come The Drums say-** Marrrrtttthhhhaaaa?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says- **yeeessss?

**Here Come The Drums says-** Just dropping by to let you know that your name is rather stupid. Rather much like yourself

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Well your name is a reminder of your constant insanity.

**Here Come The Drums says-** Well yours is implying that your voice is like a bird, and the sound of birds are often what wake people up from a dream into the cruel reality of life, and so are hated by all.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**That's Harassment Sir says-** ...nope, you can't beat that.

**Jackie Chan says-** Lovin' the name Ianto ;)

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** speaking of the drums, none of us ever thought to ask, how did you escape being sent back to gallifrey?

**Here Come The Drums says- **Oh no I did actually go there, I just had like six hours to escape before the whole place burst into a gigantic ball of fire

**HartBreaker says-** then how did you get out of it?

**My M!lkshake Br!ngs All teh boyz to da yard says- **did you die? :O xx

**Jackie Chan says-** -face palms-

**Here Comes the Drums says-** *sighs* no Gwen, I didn't... you know what? Yes. Yes I did die and it's now my ghost speaking to you on msn

**My M!lkshake Br!ngs All teh boyz to da yard says- **:O That's so sad :'(

**That's Harassment Sir says-** why did we hire her again?

**Jackie Chan says-** She makes good bait.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** So how did you survive?

**Here Come The Drums says-** welllll, when I arrived Rassilon was pissed, so he tortured me for a bit, you know, the average bone breaking stuff, god it was boring. I was listening to my ipod and doing the crossword from the Sun I stole of wilf (because I am teh evil :D) which annoyed Rassilon for some reason.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** you were being TORTURED and you sat there doing a CROSSWORD?

**That's Harassment Sir says-** In all honesty? I'm not surprised

**Here Come The Drums says-** And then a load of Daleks came over and killed Rassilon and company and one was pointing it's plunger thing at my head. I asked him if he was a plumber, and the head dalek sent all the other daleks off, so I sat on the grass for half an hour with the dalek explaining what a plumber did. He's now doing a course in plumbing. He's a nice guy, we email.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...OMFG.

**Here Come The Drums says-** So he flew off but then another dalek came along and brought me to that stupid prisoner of war thing that have

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** You mean Abysuss in Terra? The WORST dalek prisoner ever made where the prisoners are tortured for hours on end slowly and painfully, and none live to tell the tale?

**Here Come The Drums says-** err yeah that place. So they were you know, doing their torture thing and I got the sun out again and they burnt it! How bloody rude. So instead I made myself a sandwich with the loaf of bread I keep in my hoodie.

**Am I bovered says-** Oh good grief.

**My M!lkshake Br!ngs All teh boyz to da yard says-** Who keeps a loaf of bread in their hoodie? xxx

**Here Come The Drums says- **well me, clearly. Keep up, silly child. Anyway, I asked one of them if he wanted one, and he gave a _very_ rude reply involving my mother, which I shall not repeat in case any of you are easily offended. So they shoved me in one of the cells handcuffed upside down. I was pretending to be a bat, it was very amusing. I showed my Dalek prison officer my bat impression, he didn't like it very much though, stupid dalek.

**Sexy Techie says-** Ianto, your dad scares me...

**That's Harassment Sir says-** Trust me, you'll get used to it.

**Here Come The Drums says-** So when he untied me for my hourly torture I slapped him round his stupid metal head from inside the cell

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** you slapped... a dalek... when he could of killed you... WITHOUT EVEN A SINGLE THOUGHT!

**Here Come The Drums says-** Yeah :D He tried to exterminate me.

**HartBreaker says- **So what did you do?

**Here Come The Drums says-** I ducked. Duh.

**I love Sex says-** So let me get this straight... millions of people will loads of weapons have died facing the daleks... and your alone... in a small cell with no where to run and no weapons.. and you survive simply because you DUCKED?

**Here Come The Drums says-** Yeah :D He went to shoot me, I saw it coming and ducked. Why, what does everyone else do?

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**My M!lkshake Br!ngs All teh boyz to da yard says-** ...Meep.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Ducking! It's so simple, why didn't I think of that!

**Here Come The Drums says-** On with the story. So the shot reflected off the wall and hit the dalek. And then I just snucked out of the cell using the key on the dalek and left the prison.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** That building is surrounded by doors, all blocked in the most complicated way known in the universe, and more difficult to open then the pandorica. How the FUCK did you open them?

**Here Come The Drums says-** with the most complicated tool known to man... a tooth pick I had left over from were I'd ate steak the night before.

**Am I Bovered says-** A TOOTH PICK?

**Here Come The drums says-** Uh-huh :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** But how did you get around the building? There are guards at every door!

**Here Come The Drums says-** They just assumed I was a Dalek because I knew the secret password.

**HartBreaker says- **The secret password?

**Here Come The Drums says-** Yeah, that's the real experiment they do to check if a Dalek's pure or not, they see if they know the secret password.

**My M!lkshake Br!ngs All teh boyz to da yard says-** And Wot's the secret password? And How do you know it?

**Here Come The Drums says-** It's "Expelliarmus". Dalek Bob the future plumber told me :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** So... they all assumed you were a dalek... even though they all knew you were the master and therefore a timelord... because you knew the secret password out of a fucking FICTIONAL BOOK?

**Here Come The Drums says-** Yep. Harold Pootar, best books, EVER.

**I love Sex says-** ...oh. my. GOD.

**Here Come The Drums says-** And then I just rode on a dalek back to earth wearing a goldfish bowl as a helmet :D Man, I looked stoooppppiiddd!

**Am I Bovered says-** Well then surely you would of been back sooner?

**Here Come The Drums says-** well I would of been, but Daleks are actually tone deaf, that's why they always repeat the same questions

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **What. THE HELL?

**Here Come The Drums says-** Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't realise! So when I said "Cardiff" the dalek thought I said "Cornwall" so I ended up in a field in Cornwall.

**Jackie Chan says-** And How did you get to Cardiff from Cornwall?

**Here Come The Drums says-** I walked. Along with a nice couple called Derek and Flo. Ahh the fun we had at night time sitting around a fire singing campfire songs. Shame I got bored of them half way there and ate them.

**I love Sex says-** ...I don't believe this.

**My M!lkshake Br!ngs All teh boyz to da yard says-** But how did you survive?

**Here Come The Drums says-** well, when I got around halfway I saw a truck filled with oreos, so I killed the driver and drove to cardiff in that. But I'm not a very good driver, which is why you all woke up to see a truck sticking out of the ruined shopping centre surrounded by oreos.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Here Come The Drums says-** And so here I am :D I tell you what though, I had such a life. I may get sucked into a vortex sending me to my doom more often! :D

**Here Come The Drums says-** guys?

**Here Come The Drums says-** GUYS?

**That's Harassment Sir says-** they've all fainted in shock.

**Here Come The Drums says-** oh... shame. Fancy Pizza Express?

**That's Harassment Sir says-** ...what the hell, sure.

_**-Here Come The Drums has left the conversation- **_

_**-That's Harassment Sir has left the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** ...And I thought the Doctor was weird.

_A/N: :D what did you all think? It's personally been my favourite chapter to write to date. Review and let me know what you thought please :) much love xxxxxx_


	16. It'll be okay Tosh

_A/N: I am so happy with the number of reviews I have from you guys, when I started this fic. it was just going to be a small one shot and I never thought that this many people would look at it. Also, thank you to everyone who put my story on alert, favourite author favourite story and so on. It makes me really happy knowing that you guys like this fic. __**SLICELESS**__ IS BACK! ahhh I've missed you buddy :') This chapter's for you :P Now, I was thinking about what to include in this chapter and I realised I had missed out one VERY important guest star..._

_**-I love Sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-That's Harassment Sir has entered the conversastion-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entereed the conversation-**_

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation- **_

**Sexy Techie says-** Now guys, what do you say we try and have a normal conversation on here for once, without any weird alien guests?

**Here Come The Drums says-** can-

**Sexy Techie says-** Yes Master, that means no nudge wars.

**Here Come The Drums says-** ohhhhh :(

_**-I am the Queen Of losers has entered the conversation-**_

**I love Sex says- ..**who are you?

**I am the Queen Of losers says-** guuyyyyss! It's me! xxx Someone changed my name while I was out xxx and I don't know how to change it back! xxx

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **Come on Gwen, who would do something like that? :D

**Sexy Techie Says-** :D

**That's Harassment Sir says-** ?

**Sexy Techie says-** what? Me and the Doctor were bored and her computer was just lying there...

**Here Come The Drums says-** Oh come on, surely even a retard like yourself knows how to change her msn name? I mean, you've done it before!

**I am the Queen Of Losers says-** No, Rhys always did it for me :( xxx come on guys! xxx please tell me how to change it! xxxx

**Jackie Chan says-** ... nah. Let's just leave it for a couple of hours

**I am the Queen Of Losers says- **Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! xxxx

**Sexy Techie says-** you know... this is going quite well! I mean, nothing too weird has happened yet! Maybe this'll be our first NORMAL conversation!

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh for fucks sakes!

**Dalek Caan says-** hey hunnies!

**Here Come The Drums says-** ...aren't you meant to be dead?

**Dalek Caan says-** why would I die when there are _shoes_ to buy? Speaking of shoes, Debenhams is having a sale! yaaaayyy!#

**Sexy Techie says-** just one. That's all I wanted. Just one normal conversation.

**That's Harassment Sir says- **...You don't have feet though...

**Dalek Caan says-** Well Yeah but that's not the point hun, every fashionista needs to own a pair of Gucci

**I love Sex says-** ...and you're a fashionista are you?

**Dalek Caan says-** Miss Beach Babe winner three years in a row babe!

**Jackie Chan says-** ..I'm rather scared right now...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Aren't you meant to be dead? Or you know, at least commited suicide because you "saw the dark and hate the daleks were filled with"?

**Dalek Caan says-** Oh I just said that so I had an excuse to destroy them. Wouldn't want them stealing my beauty queen crown now would I?

**Here Come The Drums says-** ...

**Dalek Caan says-** And I'm determined to kill all of the human race as well, especially Greece, because while I was there some bitch with a fake tan tried to take the last pair of D&G sunglasses. We had a cat fight in the middle of the store, ahh it was so embarassing darlings.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...my brain is still trying to get over the fact my sworn enemy likes D&G sunglasses.

**Dalek Caan says-** Why wouldn't I like them? They frame my plunger perfectly! Oh and Doctor darling, please stop wearing those hideous shoes with that suit, they clash _horribly._

**That's Harassment Sir says-** Yeah Darling.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh don't you encourage him!

**I am The Queen Of Losers says-** ..so do you know where I could get a pair of Valentino pumps size six in pink? xxx

**Dalek Caan says-** Oh do you mean the limited edition hot pink pumps with the logo on the silver buckle?

**I am The Queen Of Losers says-** yeah, I'm so glad that they didn't use buttons! xxx

**Dalek Caan says-** yeah, buttons completely would of ruined the sophistication and elegance of the shoe!

**I am The Queen Of Losers says- **Omg I don't believe you agree! xxx

**Dalek Caan says-** I know! We're practically sisters! xxx

**Sexy Techie says-** All I wanted. Was. A NORMAL CONVERSATION WHERE I COULD TALK TO MY FRIENDS WITHOUT THE INVOLVMENT OF ALIENS OR ANY OTHER WEIRDNESS! IS THAT REALLY TO MUCH TO ASK YOU ALL? I've been working double shifts and the stickers still aren't off my computer monitor and all I wanted to do was sit down with my laptop and a cup of tea! I can't take the stress anymore, it's TEARING ME APART!

**I love Sex says-** ...

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**That's Harassment Sir says-** ..

**Dalek Caan says-** ... Hunny, you really need to lay low on the shouting, it'll cause frown lines, and frown lines, are sooo _not hot__._

**I am the Queen Of Losers says-** omg I so agree! xxxxx

**Dalek Caan says- **Hi five Sista!

**Sexy Techie says- **...!

**Here Come The Drums says-** Now, usually a nice, kind and caring person would say something along the lines of "You'll be okay, and keep holding on, and tomorrow will be better." however, I am not a nice person. So- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Sexy Techie says-** I hate you alll!

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** Gawwwwddd, some people are sooo stressssyyy!

**That's Harassment Sir says-** well gold and silver are so last season.

_A/N: And I'm done. Sorry that chapter was a bit rushed, but just wanted to get it posted :P It'll be okay Tosh, you'll get that normal conversation you crave for one day. In the words of Dalek Caan, "just keep aiming for the stars darlingg". much love xxxxx_


	17. No Gwen, just no

_A/N: omg. Over 100 reviews! In less then 20 chapters as well! I seriously love all you guys, I never thought that the story would get as much feedback as it has, you're all wonderful! This chapter is dedicated to __**rattychipmunk**__ because her review really made my day :) thank you xxx_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here Come The Drums says-** do we tell them?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** we have to. But what if they don't take it well? And what about Ianto?

**Here Come The Drums says-** Don't worry about him, he'll love it. It was actually on his christmas list for years

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** really? huh.

**Here Come The Drums says-** and besides, he'll be great! He loves this kinda thing

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** so, when do we tell them?

**Here Come The Drums says- **well... we could do things the good, honest way and gather them together and tell them... or we could just tell them on msn.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** msn?

**Here Come The Drums says-** ... oh yeah, definately.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the convesation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is Teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I got your text, you wanted to see us?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** yes, we have news for you all, me and the master are-

**Gwen is Teh awesome says-** ARE YOU BROTHERS? ARE YOU NINJAS? ARE YOU WORKING FOR THE FBI?

**Here Come The Drums says-** well maybe if you shut up, you'd find out.

**Gwen is Teh awesome says-** :(

**Jackie Chan says-** so what is it?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Its... oh god, this is so difficult to say. Okay, before I do, I hope that once you find out you will support us, because we really love you guys, well apart from Gwen and we-

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** you told them you're pregnant yet?

**Sexy Techie says-** :O!

**HartBreaker says-** OMG!

**Jackie Chan says- **wtf?

**Here Come The Drums says-** no, we hadn't actually donna :|

**Am I Bovered says-** oops... Oh well, I fastforwarded the conversation for you

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** wait... two males can't have a baby! xxx

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** well yes gwen, but we're timelords, so we can

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** wait... you're... ALIENS?

**Here Come The Drums says-** ..that child worries me more and more every day.

**Sexy Techie says-** yes Gwen, they are aliens, we are torchwood, we know lots of aliens remember? we fight the bad ones

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** wait... we fight ALIENS? :O

**I love Sex says-** yeah... why, what did you think we did?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I thought it was just like scooby doo were we fought people in monster costumes and I was just never around to see you take of the masks! :O we fight aliens! I don't believe it! xx

**I love sex says-** ...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...so which one of you is pregnant?

**Here Come The Drums says-** me :D

**Sexy Techie says- **boy or girl?

**Here Come The Drums says-** girl

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** well actually, I reckon it might be a boy

**Here Come The Drums says-** well I'm carrying it, I should know xP

**Am I Bovered says-** I GET DIBS ON GODMOTHER!

**Here Come The Drums says-** We did actually want you to be godmother actually :)

**Am I Bovered says-** HA! see, I'm cooler then the lot of you!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** woooo, I finally get a sibling!

**I love Sex says- **You'll have to teach her your one liners Ianto :P I'm teaching her how to poison people she doesn't like xD

**Timey Wimey Lord says- ** Oh no you won't!

**Here Come The Drums says-** go for it!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Master!

**Here Come The Drums says-** sorry...

**Sexy Techie says-** I'll teach her how to hack into any computer she wants :D

**HartBreaker says-** I'll teach her how to hid 30 odd weapons inside her clothes :P

**Am I Bovered says-** I'm teaching her my comebacks :D

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm teaching her how to pick up the boys ;)

**Gwen is Teh awesome says-** I'll teach her-

**Here Come The Drums says- **If you think I'm letting you anywhere near my child you've got another thing coming

**Gwen is Teh awesome says- ** :(

**Am I Bovered says-** You got any name ideas?

**Here Come The Drums says-** we're thinking Allie for a girl

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** And Alex for a boy

**I love sex says-** aww that's sweet

**Here Come The Drums says-** I don't believe I have to wait six months, that so boring :(

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** haha you'll get fat! xx

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No actually, when we're pregnant our stomachs are a bit like a tardis, bigger on the inside, so his weight won't change

**Jackie Chan says-** oh now that's just not fair! :P

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **I've learnt so many things today, first that I fight aliens, and second, timelord babies have their own houses inside stomachs! :D xxx

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** no Gwen, that's not quite how it works-

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** trust me, you're better off leaving her in her own little world.

_A/N: Sorry it's so short, I just wanted to post something before I went out :D And yes, I do know the sex of the baby... but i'm not telling ;) review as always, much love xxxx_


	18. Donna And The Master new BFF!

_A/N: Now I'm home I can write something a little bit longer and less rushed :D I'm sorry if you're a bit swamped in chapters, but once I start writing I just want to finish it and post it! :P If you want me to slow down on the updates a bit let me know xxx_

_**-i love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** hey babe :) you alright? xx

**I love Sex says-** yeah, I'm fine, just thinking about the doctor and the master

**HartBreaker says-** yeah, wonderful news isn't it?

**I love sex says-** yeah, they're lucky they can have kids, a lot of gay couples would die for kids

**HartBreaker says-** yeah... would you ever want kids?

**I love sex says-** I would, but I'd want to be married first

**HartBreaker says-** ...Owen?

**I love sex says-** yeh?

**HartBreaker says-** ..never mind.

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** You proposed to him yet?

**HartBreaker says-** DONN! :S work on your timing!

**Am I Bovered says-** well you're all sitting round like a bunch of grandads humming and harring, just get on with it already!

**HartBreaker says- **omgomgomg... Owen just ignore her

**I love sex says-** um... well I have to go anyway, i'll see you later john xx

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** DONNA! I am going to kill you!

**Am I Bovered says-** well soo-rry, but you were wimping out!

**HartBreaker says-** I'm sorry for not wanting to propose to my boyfriend on a BLOODY CHAT ROOM!

**Am i Bovered says-** Don't see why not, my mate Jane got her proposal via. fax!

**HartBreaker says-** well I'M NOT DOING THAT!

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** not doing what?

**HartBreaker says-** nothing.

**Am I Bovered says-** he's not proposing to Owen via. fax.

**HartBreaker says-** you... need to learn when to _shut up!_

**Jackie Chan says-** eughhh tell me about it, I've been trying to propose to Ianto for _weeks_, I wanted it to be special but all my ideas failed :(

**Am I Bovered says-** why, what did you try and do?

**Jackie Chan says-** I hired one of those plan messages, you know the ones that fly holding that banner? Anyway, I asked the person on the phone to write "Will you marry me Ianto?" But he was Chinese and didn't understand a word of what I was saying.

**HartBreaker says- **so what did it say instead?

**Jackie Chan says-** ...I'm not telling.

**Am I Bovered says-** why not?

**Jackie Chan says-** Because you'll laugh!

**HartBreaker says-** Oh go on, just tell us

**Jackie Chan says-** fine... it said "Ianto, I'm a giant fart." Happy now?

**Am I Bovered says-** ...!

**Jackie Chan says-** Don't you fucking dare

**HartBreaker says-** but!

**Jackie Chan says-** If you dare, I wll kill you.

**Am I Bovered says-** ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

**HartBreaker says-** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Jackie Chan says-** oh for gods sakes, it's not that funny...

**Am I Bovered says-** HAHAHA! Jack the giant fart! hahaha!

**HartBreaker says-** Ianto probably thought you were a right freak! HAHAHA!

**Jackie Chan says-** It's not funny! :( Just because you've never been in love Donna! Just because you haven't experienced the butterflies in your stomach

**HartBreaker says-** Or the way your heart skips a beat when you see them

**Am I Bovered says-** oh my days. How sad are you two!

**Jackie Chan says-** And the way their eyes are the most beautiful thing you'll ever see

**HartBreaker says-** And how you'll never, ever stop caring about them

**Am I Bovered says-** aww... that makes me want to.. THROW UP.

**Jackie Chan says-** And how they're smile lights up your life

**HartBreaker says-** And how you can sit next to them without saying a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation ever

**Am I Bovered says-** BLEUUUGGGHHH!

**Jackie Chan says-** you're just Jealous

**Am I Bovered says-** I feel about as jealous of you two as an anorexic feels jealous of a fat person.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **hey guys, what we talking about?

**Jackie Chan says-** donuts.

**HartBreaker says- **wrestling,

**Am I Bovered says-** love.

**HartBreaker says-** DONNA!

**Jackie Chan says-** DONNA!

**Am I Bovered says-** godddd, you're all so moany!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Right... well anyway, I just popped in to tell Jack that the primeminister wanted him to call, bye you guys

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** You know Donna? I really do _hate_ you sometimes

**HartBreaker says-** I agree. You can be so bloody annoying

**Am I Bovered says-** hey, I'm just keeping it real.

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-KissFromARose has entered the conversation-**_

**KissFromARose says-** Doccy-woccy! ..Oh. It's you. The weird ginger girl the doctor travelled with.

**Am I Bovered says-** And oh, it's you, the weird lovestruck blondey with the lisp.

**KissFromARose says-** Hey, I do not have a lisp!

**Am I Bovered says-** Oh per-lease, "Dis, is da day dat I died" You sounded about five.

**KissFromARose says-** Oh what would you know, miss "I ain't bothered"

**Am I Bovered says-** well I AIN'T bovered!

**KissFromARose says-** Oh learn how to spell

**Am I Bovered says-** Learn how to tell when someone doesn't love you

_**-9 months! has entered the conversation- **__(A/N: Seeing as these chapters aren't really set a certain time apart you'll be able to tell how much longer it is till the baby arrives by the master's name, I thought it would be easier then writing it in the author's note every chapter)_

**9 months! says-** ohhhh , cuussssss! go donna!

**KissFromARose says-** oh fuck off drum man!

**9 months! says-** oh dear, looks like someone forgot to take their happy pills this morning!

**Am I Bovered says-** No, It's coz someone told her she could of picked a better name then "Bad wolf"

**KissFromARose says-** you both think you're so hard, well you're not!

**9 months! says-** well you think that YOU're the hard one, and you're about as hard as playdough.

**Am I Bovered says-** oohhhh! hi5!

**9 months! says-** *hi5's*

**KissFromARose says-** GRRR! I could kill you both!

**Am I Bovered says-** with what? You're chavvy tracksuit?

**KissFromARose says-** .. werdre,jrkfold... GAHHHHHHHHH!

_**-KissFromARose has left the conversation-**_

**9 months! says-** well we sure showed her! :P

**Am I Bovered says-** I know it was you by the way

**9 months! says-** what?

**Am I Bovered says-** I know it was you who changed the banner that Jack ordered

**9 months! says-** well... he's not good enough for Ianto. You gonna tell him?

**Am I Bovered says-** yes, I'm gonna do the smart, sensible and honest thing and tell Jack so that he can finally propose without making a total fool out of himself.

**9 months! says-** ...

**Am I Bovered says-** ...

**9 months! says-** ..HHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Am I Bovered says-** HAHAHAHA!

**9 months says-** ahh, good one :')

_A/N: Because I believe Donna and the Master would get on great :) review please :) Much love xxxx_


	19. I KNEW that's what it stood for!

_This chapter isn't really going to have a serious part in it at all, just full of randomness. Well, I hope anyway, because I always write the authors notes before the story, and then just make it up as I go along, so HOPEFULLY it will turn out the way I wanted it :P fingers crossed! xxx_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** oh Ianto, thank god you're here xxx I need to talk to you xxx

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **...right, that's it, I'm off

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** nooo! wait! xxx I still need your help understanding this whole alien thing!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Oh for gods sakes. Ok, fire away.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ok, so you know we fight aliens? xxx are they like, humans that fell in a pot of chemicals and became aliens? xxx

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** No Gwen. Aliens already existed.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** :O Does that mean Santa exists? and unicorns? xxx

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** no Gwen, they are made up by human adults to please their children

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** no, that can't be true! xx because every year I get a gift from Santa! xxx

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** It's rhys Gwen.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** oh :( xx Okay, next question, what does TORCHWOOD stand for?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** it doesn't stand for anything Gwen... it's just a name...

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **well T.A.R.D.I.S stands for something, so torchwood must to!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** o, it doesn't- actually? Yes Gwen. It does stand for something

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** what? :O xxx

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** **T**onight **O**utside **R**hys **C**ut **H**is **W**atermelon **O**utstandingly **O**n his **D**ick

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** :O that's awesome! was someone called Rhys the founder of torchwood?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ermmm... yes?

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has changed his/her name to "I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D"**_

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** do you like my new name?

**Jones, Ianto, Jones says-** it's erm... very.. original and HAHAHAHAHA- sorry, ermm I had a cough

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** er... Gwen? What's with the name?

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** Why, what's wrong with it...xxx

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** yeah Tosh, she's just showing what TORCHWOOD STANDS FOR, remember, I told you about it YESTERDAY?

**Sexy Techie says-** oh.. um.. yes of course! Sorry Gwen, my mind went a little errmmm blank there :D

**-Sexy Techie To Jones, Ianto Jones conversation-**

**Sexy Techie says-** you, Ianto Jones, are PURE EVIL

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** :D

**-Back to Sexy Techie, Jones, Ianto Jones and I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D conversation-**

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** err... Gwen? As much as I'm loving the name... what the FUCK are you on about?

**Sexy Techie says-** Its what TORCHWOOD STAND FOR, remember?

**Jackie Chan says-** oh yeah.. how could I of, er, possibly forgotten! So gwen..who told you about the initials?

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** Ianto :D xx

**Jackie Chan says-** ah, right. That explains rather a lot.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** :D

_**-7 months! has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**7 months! says-** Gwen... your name is disgusting.

**Rhys says-** I can cut strawberries as well ;)

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** wait, guys, you're getting confused, this is what torchwood stands for! xx

**7 months! says-** A right ok... I can guess who told you that...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** :D

**Rhys says- **I'm glad that chavvy little weevil thing isn't here this time, he annoyed me.

**I love sex says-** how did that fight go anyway?

**Rhys says-** I decided to be generous and let him off this time

**I love sex says-** he beat the shit out of you, didn't he?

**Rhys says-** ...no.

**7 months! says-** I take it that's a yes then?

**Rhys says-** Oh shut it, Alien boy

**Sexy Techie says- **Weren't you and the doctor going to buys stuff for the nursery today?

**7 months! says-** Yeah, we've got all the stuff, we've decided to make the room unisex, so it doesn't scream boy or girl

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** so you're waiting until the birth to find out the sex? _(A/N: I've decided what the result is going to be by the way :) )_

**7 months! says-** yeahhh.

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** But... you're aliens... so, the baby won't be male or female... it'll be an alien...

**Rhys says-** see, there's my girl, always being the smart one :) god, I love her xxx

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **wait... so what do you think I am then Gwen?

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** I dunno, something weird. I wonder why Jack is attracted to you to be honest

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** : !

**Sexy Techie says-** Ianto, I can see you from here, I know she's annoying but hitting her over the head with that hammer isn't going to help anyone

**7 months! says-** ignore Tosh, HIT HER! :D

**Jackie Chan says-** you, are SUCH a bad influence! I mean, first you try and kill us all, and then you encourage you're son to go around hitting people with hammers!

**7 months! says-** right, let's see. I brought Ianto into the world so without me you would be boyfriendless, coffee less, and your hub would be a mess, I saved the doctor from dying, I got rose off our backs and I helped a Dalek find his dream job in plumbing. The way I see it, I'm practically a _god._

**Jackie Chan says-** you're not a god, more like Satan's right hand man!

**7 months! says-** you know, I could of swarn I gave you my blessing to date my son... but maybe I didn't.

**Jackie Chan says-** you're a god! The best god ever! Better then Zeus!

**7 months! says-** ah yes I remember now, I did give you my blessing. Better be nice Harkness, or I'll forget again

**Jackie Chan says-** yes Sir, sorry Sir

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Hey hey earthlings!

**I love sex says-** hey Big C

**Rhys says-** oh great, it's you

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you want another wedgie old man?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** that's how he defeated you? He gave you a WEDGIE?

**Rhys says-** hey! It hurt!

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** my poor baby :( xx

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** anywayz, I woz in da area, skateboarding and all dat shiz when I heard dat my favourite timelord was preggers!

**7 months! says-** yep :D

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **wowzers! See, I woz thinking it throu, and I fought, 'ho betta to teach da kid da way of da streets... den da king of de streets? I can teach da kid dealing, how to escape da police, and how 2 knock out loserz like oldie here

**Rhys says-** HEY!

**7 months! says-** Erm.. that's very nice Big C, but I don't really want my child to be a drugs dealer

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** fair enough mate, mayb you'll change your mind

**Sexy Techcie says-** I should bloody hope not!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you gotta learn to chill, ma little Japanese flower

**Sexy Techie says-** never. EVER. call me that again. clear?

**7 months! says-** you know Big C? I think I know someone who would love to date you, let me get her :D

_**-Kiss From ARose has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** boyyyy, you is peng!

**Kiss From ARose says-** what the hell am I doing here?

**7 months! says-** going on a date. Come on guys, lets leave them to it

**Kiss From ARose says-** wait, what? no!

_**-7 months! has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**Five hours on MSN later...**_

**KissFromARose says-** for the last time, I AM HUMAN!

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** But... you said you were a Londoner...xxx

**KissFromARose says-** LONDON IS IN ENGLAND YOU RETARD!

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** ...since when? xxx

**KissFromARose says-** graaahhh!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you make some sexy noices baby

**KissFromARose says-** also for the last time, I DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU, YOU FUCKING ALIEN PEST!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** that's what they all say, then they take a ride on the weevil wagon ;)

**I am proud to say Tonight Outside Rhys Cut His Watermelon Outstandingly On his Dick :D says-** So let me get this straight... you're an alien from england?

**KissFromARose says- **...!

_A/N: Well... that turned out better then I expected :D review please xxx_


	20. I agree with Caan

_A/N: Sorry that the last time I uploaded it was only an author's note, hope this makes up for it :) And I would like to take this moment to say that although I may not own Torchwood, I DO own big C, and gok wan! Dalek Cann. I just love these two so much :P For those of you who are reading perfect proposal, if you like Big C I strongly suggest you read chapter three when it's posted. However, I'm not going to give anything away now... ;) And just a quick note to say that I suggest you do read PP, because in the next chapter a few of the things are going to be linked to chapter three. On with the chapter! xxx_

_**-5 months! has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** oh good, you're here.

**5 months! says-** um... hi?

**Dalek Caan says- **word has reached me that you're expecting

**5 months! says-** erm, that's right...

**Dalek Caan says-** good. I wanted to discuss baby clothes. I hope you aren't going to buy your child anything in green...

**5 months! says-** we haven't really discussed baby clothes, why...

**Dalek Caan says-** Because there are so many ways you can go wrong with baby clothes hunny. I mean, only certain shades of green are on trend this season, and you wouldn't want your baby to be _unfashionable_ now would you? And green baby boots are soooo last season, baby blue's the bang on trend colour for both boys and girls. Green hats would work, but only when paired with either a black or white coat, else the baby will just scream jumble sale. I know these things darling.

**5 months! says-** um.. thank you? I'll be sure to keep that in mind...

**Dalek Caan says-** and please, I BEG of you, buy the new Gucci baby dummies, all the coolest babies are wearing them!

**5 months! says-** Um.. thanks for that very erm, _helpful_ advice in clothing Dalek Caan, I'll be sure to consult you before I attempt to buy anything...

**Dalek Caan says-** :D

_** -Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation- **_

**Sexy Techie says-** hey you two! What you talking about?

**5 months! says-** Dalek cann has been very _generously_ giving me fashion advice for my baby...

**Sexy Techie says-** what? you don't need fashion advice, she'll look cute!

**Dalek Caan says-** what? Just as cute as you think you look in that hideous scarf?

**Jackie Chan says-** uh-oh, you NEVER diss a woman's clothing!

**Sexy Techie says-** I like my scarf...

**Dalek Caan says-** I bet you do sweetie, but it's sooo... 1935.

**I love sex says-** uh-oh, the dude's determined to die!

**Sexy Techie says-** ..but...

**Dalek Caan says-** I don't understand why you would want to hide yourself under those drab clothes anyway, do you not feel sexy anymore?

**Sexy Techie says-** I..I..

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- ** oh god, she's going to blub...

**Sexy Techie says-** I haven't felt sexy in a long time :'(

**Dalek Caan says-** oh hunny don't cry, tell it all to your aunty caan

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** did I ever mention how disturbed I feel about him?

**Sexy Techis says-** well, it started when I was sixteen. I was a late starter so-

**I love sex says-** oooooo-kkaaayyy you two, take the conversation elsewhere!

**Dalek Caan says-** come on darling, I sense someone needs a hot chocolate with sprinkles! Diets can be broken every once in a while!

_**-Dalek Caan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie chan says-** well... that was weird.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I'm not sure if you've noticed Jack, but so is every conversation we've ever had here.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...fair point.

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** hello ma peeps!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I am NOT your peep.

**I IZ WEEVIL says- ** you know you want me baby

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** no. No I really don't.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **well I don't really fancy listening to another Weevil perving on Gwen conversation. I'm off to make another round of coffee. Anybody want some?

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**- I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-5 months! has left the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you know what? screw you. Big C can do so much better.

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** And so here I am, alone again. Why is it all my friends desert me? Is it because they are jealous of the sheer awesomeness that only I possess? Do they wish that they could have the fabulous normal life that I have? Ianto especially. A part of me feels guilty, knowing that Jack is only with him to distract himself from me, and that Jack secretly loves me, but can't tell me because it would complicate things with Rhys. However the majority of me agrees that I deserve Jack, because I am prettier and cooler then Ianto. Plus, I'm smarter. I mean, yeah I made the odd few mistakes, like not knowing what Torchwood thought, but I mean it's a mistake anyone can make. That must be it. They must all be jealous of my charm, intelligent and beauty.

_** -Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** Or maybe they just don't like you because you're annoying, don't know what you're doing half the time and are a lying, cheating little cow. Oh, and by the way hunny? Your shoes don't match your purse.

_**-Dalek Cann has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **:(

_**-Voice of a nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice of a nightingale says-** Welcome to the hated by all club. Me and rose are pleased to meet you.

_A/N: Ahhh, poor Gwen. Not. I wrote this in ten minutes so please don't throw something at me. Much love xxxx_


	21. It's ok martha, I don't get it either

_A/N: I have got so much going on today. and yet here I am, sat at my computer typing like a saddo an hour before I have to go out. I hope you lot realise what you've done to me, you've made me a crazy updater xD But I love you all for it. Also, a note. This and PP are linked, so there will be mentions of PP in this and mentions of this in PP. If anyone gets confused (because it confused the hell out of me too XD) then pm me and i'll explain. Also, the birth will be in PP This is AFTER chapter three so if you haven't read that read that first. This chapter is devoted to all of you, for making me feel like I'm not a total loser (Just let me believe that :P ) and for helping make torchwood msn into what it is. xxx_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

_**-5 months! has entered the conversation- **_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** So, freak, I heard your weird weevil friend almost died

**5 months! says-** yeah, _pineapple head_, he did. And don't call him weird, Big C is ten times more popular then you'll ever be.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** What? I think I am quite a bit more popular then that stupid weevil thing.

**5 months! says-** Nope. He has _followers_

**Voice of A Nightingale says-** I'm sorry, followers?

**5 months! says-** yeah, I typed his name in for a laugh on google, and a load of people have wrote comments about how awesome he is under secret names

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Oh really? Then _who_, you liar!

**5 months! says-** Chasing Aspirations, Rezeupter, Gwen Harkness (I have no idea why she's called that, either she knows them both or she just has a really unusual name), Super Cali, JantoGleek and NO-PANTIES. so ner. Proof that Big C is more popular then you.

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** alriiiiiight. Yeah, Big C iz a hit wit da ladiez!

**5 months! says-** erm... yeah. And you know, for an agency that's meant to be secret people on the internet sure do know a lot about all of us. They have fan sites and everything, it's rather disturbing.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** itz just coz we're da bomb mate

**Voice Of A Nightingale says- ** well what have these strangers said about me then?

**5 months! says-** they agree with me. Spongebob lives in your hair.

_** Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** you talking about the randoms who know about torchwood on the internet?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** you know about that?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** of course we do. Everyone does. "The Wedding Fairy" thinks Janto are hot.

**Jackie Chan says-** The Wedding Fairy's right ;)

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** wait.. .this makes no sense... torchwood is meant to be secret so surely you should retcon them all?

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh I was going to...

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** But I stopped her. They all love me!

**5 months! says-** same!

**Am I Bovered says-** *hi5!*

_**-I love Sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Hartbreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** you're lucky. Sliceless thinks I'm a psycopath -.-

**HartBreaker says-** well you're my psycopath :) xx

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** wow wow wow STOP... I just checked this fan base thing out... HOW CAN THEY PREFER DALEK CAAN TO ME?

_** -Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** it's coz I've got the style babe

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** but you're a FUCKING DALEK! AND THEY LIKE YOU MORE! HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

**Dalek Caan says-** well, I rock Prada... and your style... would make Prada want to die. RattyChipmunk thinks I'm the next Gok Wan. That girl is so getting a free manicure from me.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** GUYS! just stop and THINK for a minute! How do these people know about us! They could be tracing us right now! They could be maniacs! Do you really want to put your lives in danger over a bit of flattery?

**Am I Bovered says-** see I thought that... but then JayaDurron said I was the coolest companion. And WishfulThinkin21 thinks I'm awesome. :D

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** you see! They're tricking you!

**5 months! says-** Vikki-Toria-94 scares me, she has an obsession with giving people cookies O.o

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** you SEE! handing out cookies, doesn't that sound a bit suspisious to you?

**Dalek Caan says-** ...I'm Leanne1402's favourite :D

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** GAH!

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** what did they say about me? :D xxx

**5 months! says-** ..

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**Hartbreaker says-** ...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **... rezeupter thinks your stupid, SLNS dislikes you almost as much as she dislikes Rose and to be honest sliceless hates you almost as much as God hates Satan.

**Jackie Chan says-** Ianto!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** What... it's true...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** :(

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** You can come to ma bedroom if you fancy a little fun nd games ta cheer ya up...

**Am I Bovered says-** ew! That's gross martien!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you can come too if you want, Big C is always up for threesomes ;)

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** so basically, everyone hates me Martha and Rose? :(

**5 months! says-** yep. Coz you suck. HA!

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Why would they like _you_? you're a mentalist?

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** well yeah, but he's a very sexy mentalist ;)

**5 months! says-** true that ;)

**Voice of A Nightingale says-** arhhh! This just doesn't make any sense!

**I love Sex says-** Welcome To Torchwood

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** escape while you can.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** :|

_A/N: First up I am so so so so so sorry if I left you out, but you have no idea how difficult it is trying to find every single person who's reviewed :P Give me a message if you're left out and I'll edit you in. Next update will be tomorrow afternoon. Much love xxxxx_


	22. Birth!

_A/N: ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE REVIEWS IN TWENTY ONE CHAPTERS! I actually love you guys. Thanks for all of the support and it's nice to know you're all enjoying the fic as much as I am ;P Anyways, on with chapter twenty two! And finally... THE BABY ARRIVES! I wanted the birth to be early because it fitted in with what I was typing... and I never edit. Never. And because it made sense :P And by the way, a baby can actually survive being born this early. xxx_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-3 months! has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says **- feeling any better?

**3 months! says- **no :( I'm bored, you won't let me go out and kill someone in case I injure myself and my painkillers have run out.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** oh that's...wait... painkillers?

**3 months! says-** yeah, the blue things in the green bottle in the shape of ducks. Stupid duck shaped painkillers.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** THEY'RE THE MOST DANGEROUS POISONS KNOWN TO MAN! I took them off of an alien this morning!

**3 months! says-** ohh... that would explain why my left lung has stopped working.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** WHAT?

**3 months! says-** yeah. It's a bit difficult to breathe, but then I just stand on my head :D

**Timey Wimey lord says-** ...!

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says- **hey guys, what's up?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** the idiot's been taking poison!

**Sexy Techie says-** !

**3 months! says-** Hehe, my brain feels all floaty :D

**Jackie Chan says-** we're getting there right now, Tosh, stay talking to him, make sure he doesn't faint

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** omg dad, I heard what happened, are you okay?

**3 months! says-** oh hey Ianto! Heheh, my head feels dizzy, wooooooooooooooo!

**Sexy Techie says-** okay, just lie still, and keep typing to let us know you're okay

**3 months! says-** dancing rainbows! pretty!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** dad! Snap out of it!

**3 months! says-** why are they taking so looonnngggg

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** hey Ianto, I'm at home, came online as soon as I heard. The Doctor and Jack are stuck, the TARDIS isn't moving

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** oh dear god

**3 months! says-** Owen! My man! how're you?

**I love sex says-** Okay master, stay with us. Now I need you to help me out here, is your sight damaged in any way? Do you feel numb?

**3 months! says-** The baby's coming.

**I love sex says-** right ok that means- WHAT?

**3 months! says-** yeah, the baby's coming now, isn't that great? :D

**Sexy Techie says-** No, no it's not!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Everyone stay calm!

**3 months! says-** Should I push? That's what they do in the movies. PUUUSSSHH! They all look so stoopid :D

**I love sex says-** How can you not be freaking out about this?

**3 months! says-** What? It's only pregnancy, god.

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** we heard!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** M man's gonna have a baby, innit!

**3 months! says-** yeah, wahooo! :D You know what? I don't fancy pushing. I'll look like an idiot. Let's go for a C section. Will a bread knife do?

**I love sex says-** what? NO!

**3 months! says-** Ow. They kicked.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** THEY?

**3 months! says-** Oh yeah, I'm having triplets. Did I forget to tell you all?

**Am I Bovered says-** yes!

**I love sex says-** yes!

**Sexy Techie says-** yes!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yes! Wait, what? I'm confused...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Just got a call, Jack and The Doctor have arrived

**3 months! says-** okay guys, this is Jack, The Doctor's starting a C section

**Sexy Techie says-** WITH THE BREAD KNIFE?

**3 months! says-** No, with medical equipment, wait, WHAT?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** more important things going on Harkness!

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** hey guys, what did I miss?

**I love sex says-** The Master's giving birth! To triplets!

**HartBreaker says- **oh... I missed rather a lot then

**3 months! says-** triplets?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** more important things!

**3 months! says-** Oh yeah, sorry. I think the poison's removed, wait, yeah it has, and the babies are fine. The Doctor's worried, they're still too young and... I've been kicked out.

**Am I Bovered says-** what?

**3 months! says-** "There is no way Harkness is watching me give birth."

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** same old dad

**3 months! says-** thank god this is a laptop. Anyway, I think the Doctor's started, judging by the noise. The Master's singing the waffle song, is that normal?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** In our household? Yes.

**3 months! says- **Just heard the Doctor, first babies out

**Sexy Techie says-** oh my god, this is so tense!

**3 months! says-** Second one's out

**HartBreaker says-** omg!

**3 months! says-** And I'm gonna guess the third one's out, so I'm gonna walk in and... A towel is on my head.

**I love sex says- ?**

**3 months! says-** I don't even know. Oh god.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** what?

**3 months! says-** One of them's not breathing

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** WHAT?

**3 months! says-** Oh god, it's so tiny...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO?

**3 months! says-** It's started breathing, but the breathing's un even

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** give it the kiss of life!

**Am I Bovered says-** YEAH! wait... wth?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** well, when people aren't breathing you give them the kiss of life. Duh. try it out man!

**3 months! says-** OMFG...that acually worked!

**Sexy Techie says-** :O

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** see, always trust the C man :D

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**3 months! says-** Don't worry, he's getting in the TARDIS, I sent it back to the hub

**HartBreaker says-** What's the sex?

**3 months! says-** three gorgeous little girls

**Am I Bovered says-** Omg.. that's wonderfull.. well done space boys!

**3 months! says-** Come over here guys, you've got to see them!

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-3 months! has left the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **hey guys! Apparently I missed something important? xxx

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...guys?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** GUYYYYSSS?

_Allie-Rose, Ellie-Mae and Molly-Anne Saxon-Smith were born on the 25th of August, 2010 _

_xx_

_A.N: And there we have it :) Please, no critisism about the names :P Sorry if it's unrealistic, but you have no idea how hard it is to write a birth in msn format and that's the only way I could do it with it still making sense :P Please review :) Much love xxx_


	23. Never trust Big C Or the internet

_A/N: Wow, I got like 15 reviews for that last chapter, that's a record! Thanks so much guys, glad you were all ok with the names :D_

_Wishfulthinkin21- I know, but it's my favourite name, I couldn't not use it :P And sorry to dissapoint, but I still hate rose ;D I just don't believe in taking that out on their names xD ...apart from Gwen. _

_Also, can I just say before I start, this is is NO WAY meant to be taking the mick out of any one who suffers from depression, it's merely meant to just show how paranoid the Doctor and Jack can be, and how listening to Big C isn't always the smartest thing to do... If any one is offended by any of this I am REALLY sorry and it was not my intention at all xxx_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** hey you! How are you two doing?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** we're doing great thanks Tosh, we've just put the girls to bed

**Sexy Techie says-** awwww. so how's life as a new parent again?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** well I wasn't there for Ianto, so this is my first time :/ It's not as bad as I thought it would be! No crying at all! I think the girls may take after Ianto in that respect :P But they're all so different!

**Sexy Techie says-** what do you mean? I thought they were identical?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** they are, I mean in personalities. Allie-Rose is the oldest, and it's obvious. She has to have the bigger everything, the bigger toy, the bigger bottle, and so on. Ellie-Mae is like a mini Ianto, she never cries, never gives us any problems and she's quite happy with what you give her. Molly-Anne is determined to kill herself.

**Sexy Techie says-** Kill herself?

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **she just grabs everything! Plugs, lights, anything left on the table, she managed to get hold of a pair of scissors somehow this morning, I have no idea how considering they were meant to be locked in the highest cupboard.. They're all definately going to be like the master when they grow up, they have the saxon smirk down brilliantly already and they're only a week old

**Sexy Techie says-** Hahaha, you're gonna have fun when they become teenagers! :P Have their eyes changed colour?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** yeah, they're the same colour as mine! :)

**Sexy Techie says-** awww, that's sweet

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yo yo yo!

**I love sex says-** how's everything going?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** great thanks, the master says hi :)

**Jackie Chan says-** Lucky sod, first time as a parent and he gets the kids that don't cry

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** yeah, but it's not the first time I've been a parent is it? It's just the first time I've been _there_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** ... yeah, you're a failure.

**Sexy Techie says-** WEEVIL!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** whattt? Just telling him what he wants to hear...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** he's right, I'm a failure as a parent :(

**Jackie Chan says-** Oh no you're not! And besides, Ianto seems okay.

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **I swear there are loads of kids that... like... commit suicide or something, cuz they think they ain't good enough or something

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** WHAT?

**I love sex says-** BIG C!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** wot! Just trying to be helpful... Look here, I checked it and everything, "Upon finding out who their birth parents are, many children feel unwanted, and some even decide to end their lives, under the belief that there is nobody there to care. For example, Jimmy White, aged 13 hanged himself from his bedroom upon finding out that his birth parents gave him up for adoption at the age of three". I found it on the internet, innit

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** :O omg! what if Ianto tries to kill himself!

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh come on guys, I'm sure he wouldn't... I mean, the master's been there all his life, and the only really traumatic thing he's had in his life was canary wharf.

**Jackie Chan says-** omg... I killed his girlfriend! Right in front of him! What if the shock finally hits him and he enters into a deep depressing state and is never the same again!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Oh yeah, there's something bout dat as well on 'ere, "Jane Nork lost her boyfriend in a hit and run accident two years ago, and since then has been taking numerous depressants, and has withdrawn into herself, despite family's best efforts to help her mourning"

**Jackie Chan says-** OMFG!

**Sexy Techie says-** Cornelius! Not helping!

**Jackie Chan says-** What if Ianto is secretly depressed?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** What if that plus me abandoning him pushes him over the edge?

**I love sex says-** Oh come on guys, you've seen him, he's fine!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** On here it says 25% of depression sufferers hide it so well, others would never know

**I love sex says-** WEEVIL!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** what? Just trying to be helpful!

**I love sex says-** well stop it!

_**-:D has entered the conversation-**_

**:D says-** hey guys, it's the master

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** why don't you just come in here, and talk with me on this?

**:D says-** Coz the sound of me typing seems to be making the girls fall asleep :P

**Sexy Techie says-** ...while you're here I've been thinking... you were on your own last time you gave birth... so what did you do?

**:D says-** ... it's a secret. Besides, I don't really remember

**Jackie Chan says-** urghh, you're so annoying!

**:D says-** :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** we've been talking, and we think that Ianto may be suffering from depression because I wasn't there while he was growing up and because Jack killed his girlfriend :( :( :(

**:D says-** what? That's ridiculous...

**Sexy Techie says-** we tried to tell 'em...

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Coz I found loads of info on da comp, innit. Looking at da symptoms, I've worked out Ianto's at da very highest point... he could top 'imself any minute

**Jackie Chan says-** WHAT?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeah... those two things, plus all da stress he gets from work, poor Ianto's probably well low, innit

**Jackie Chan says- ** oh god... he could be sitting in the archives right now trying to kill himself!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Poor Ianto, he's had to keep this bottled up for so long, it's probably made things even worse!

**I love sex says-** oh come on seriously, you REALLY trust anything Big C tells you?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** oy, bruv! I iz helping dem out, fam

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** He's probably lying on the ground in torment, surrounded by his own pain!

**:D says-** Oh come on.. you two are being ridiculous...

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Ianto, please don't die!

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm sorry I killed Lisa, but this isn't the way to heal!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...

**I love sex says-** trust me, you don't want to know...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** guys... I do not suffer from depression. Yes, I was upset when Lisa died, but I've moved on

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** So you're not upset that I was never there?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I don't really remember thinking about it, to be honest

**Jackie Chan says-** Oh thank god for that...

**Sexy Techie says-** so what have we learnt today guys?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Never trust Big C?

**Jackie Chan says-** Or the internet?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** hey! You can always trust me and da internet never lies! OMG! I just saw an article on it! Did you know you can stuff grapes down both ears and STILL LIVE?

**Jackie Chan says-** OMG! I gotta try that!

**Sexy Techie says-** Here we go again...

_A/N: Again, sorry if it offends. Also, I've written a very short one shot about the Master and Ianto's memories during two questions asked during this. It's called "I don't really remember" I'd really appreciate it if you checked it out. Be warned however, it's not humour like this and PP, (Another chapter will be up either today or tomorrow for that Btw,) it's quite angsty and sad, but I'd really love your opinion on it, because I've never written something like that before. Review as usual please :) Much love xxxx_


	24. Owen!

_A/N: First of all I'd like to say thank you to everyone that reviewed my story Remembering, (and if you haven't, check it out! :P I'm currently working on a second chapter which will be up soon, seeing as you all liked the first :) chances are I'll post it the same time I post this.) I'm so flattered by the reviews, and I didn't expect such positive feedback! This chapter is for __**Chasing Aspirations**__ (" You clearly have a gift for angst as much as you have a gift for comedy." I think I may have cried a little bit.) and __**Janto4ever**__ for their wonderful reviews. I really did feel honoured reading them. This chapter is all about our favourite sarky medic, as I think he's been lacking attention :P xx_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered this conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Oh thank god, Tosh, you're here. I need your help

**Sexy Techie says- **what have you done now? -.-

**I love sex says-** you know that lady all over the news? The one who pushed the cat into the wheelie bin? And then it's been put all over the internet and stuff and a load of people hate her and are sending death threats?

**I love sex says- **She's out to get me.

**Jackie Chan says-** WHAT?

**HartBreaker says- **she's ramming on our door, it's fucking scary

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Owen, what did you do?

**I love sex says- **wellll... it was an accident, I swear! Anyway, I'd just got off the phone to John, who told me he was cooking meatballs, and you all know how much I LOVE meatballs. Anyway, so I was racing down the street, trying to get home, when I ran past that lady. She was stroking the cat on the wall, and as I ran past I dropped my notebook, so I ran back and bent down on the floor to get it, and in my hurry I fell over and landed against her legs, causing her to accidently push the cat in.

**Sexy Techie says-** OWEN!

**I love sex says-** I didn't think anything of it, just ran home, ate dinner, and then turned on the tv to BBC1 to see her face plastered all over the news for animal cruelty

**Sexy Techie says- **how could you Owen! You didn't even stop to help her get the cat out!

**i love sex says-** there were meatballs at home Tosh, MEATBALLS!

**Jackie Chan says-** well what's so special about that?

**HartBreaker says-** they were the ones I make from scratch

**Jackie Chan says- **really? god mate, I don't blame you!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- ** Jack!

**Jackie Chan says-** sorry...

**I love sex says- **And now she's banging on the door with a chainsaw saying that I ruined her life!

**Sexy Techie says- **well you did! Do you know the ordeal that poor ladies been through? You should be ashamed of yourself!

**I love sex says-** I am... I should of just left the notebook on the floor and ran home

**Sexy Techie says-** Owen! There are top secret torchwood files in that notebook!

**I love sex says-** meatballs Tosh, MEATBALLS!

**HartBreaker says-** It's okay guys, I scared the lady off :D

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** how?

**HartBreaker says- **I threw a pair of my dirty socks at her :D

**Jackie Chan says- **ouch.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** that poor, poor lady did not deserve that pain.

**Sexy Techie says-** Owen, you need to go straight to the RSPCA and tell them it was your fault.

**I love sex says-** ...nah. She'll be fine. It'll die down in a week.

**Sexy Techie says-** OWEN!

**I love sex says-** what?

**I love sex says-** besides, the Cat had it coming. I hate the furry little freaks

**HartBreaker says-** ...why?...

**I love sex says-** Because when I was five I was attacked by one, okay? And don't you dare laugh

**Sexy Techie says-** *giggles*

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **I, am pissed off! :|

**Jones, Ianto says-** None of us really care...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** SHUT UP!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** O.o Someone is feeling grumpy-wumpy today...

**Jackie Chan says-** why are you annoyed?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Because some stupid little bastard tripped my mum over and now everyone thinks she is an animals abuser! Wait till I get my hands on the little sod, I'll rip his fucking intestines out! : : :

**HartBreaker says-** ...

**I love sex says-** ...it was PC andy.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** right, that's it, I'm gonna kill the little sod!

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says- **Owen! That wasn't very nice

**I love sex says- **meh. Rather him then me.

_** -I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yo, you guyz 'eard da news?

**HartBreaker says-** what news?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** dat lady who knocked da cat into da wheelie bin just died. Da doctors says she choked to death on a foul odour or suming. But get dis, she said b4 she died dat she wanted to kill Owen and John. Isn't dat a bit weird?

**HartBreaker says-** erm.. yeah...

**I love sex says- **so strange.. no idea why she'd say that at all...

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** and apparently Gwen's been banged up 4 tryin ta kill dat policeman called Andy or whatever, innit

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...oh dear.

**I love sex says-** ...I vote we leave her there.

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says- **Agreed

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation- **_

**HartBreaker says-** It stops her killing me, so sure

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** well... nope, I agree.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** those guys can be so mean some times.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** so... babe.. looks like it's just you and me... ;)

**Sexy Techie says-** *sighs*. goodbye Big C.

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** looks like it's just me, all ma group 'as gone...

_**-I love cats has entered the conversation-**_

**I love cats says-** OWEN HARPERRRRRRRRRRR! :| JOHN HARTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! :|

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** ...righhhhttt...

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

_A/N: Don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for both the lady and the cat involved in the situation... I just think it was something Owen would be involved in xD I personally, although feeling very sorry for the cat think it's been taken a bit too far. (This did actually happen for anyone who didn't know, I'm not just randomly babbling to myself xD) Review as always, and the second, and last chapter of Remembering has been posted xx_


	25. The Master cannot speak Ood

_A/N: Hey guys :) I posted a new chapter of perfect proposal yesterday, plus a new story called regrets, so if you haven't seen them already check them out :) xxx_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Hey Tosh, how's the programming going?

**Sexy Techie says-** Alright :) I've finished it now :)

**Jackie Chan says-** it's so boring today! Nothing's happened. Not even a teeny weeny little rift spike. Even the weevils haven't turned up :/

**Sexy Techie says-** yeah, I think Big C may be involved in that... something about a house party?

**Jackie Chan says-** oh good god.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** um, Jackkk? I think there's someone down here in the tourist office who wants to see you...

**Jackie Chan says-** who are they? are they fit?

**Sexy Techie says-** JACK!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** it's alright Tosh. I'll just give him decaf.

**Jackie Chan says-** wait, what?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** anyways... they're not exactly... human

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Oh great, another alien visitor...

**Am I Bovered says-** If this one tries to flirt with me, I'll knock it's bloody head off.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** It's left...

**Jackie Chan says-** Did it say anything?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** it just said... ood?

**Sexy Techie says-** O.o

**Am I Bovered says-** ahh no worries, I met the ood, they're alright. Plus they speak english

_**-Ood has entered the conversation-**_

**Ood says-** ood ood ood, ood, ood ood?

**Am I Bovered says-** well... they did speak english?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** obviously this must be their home planet language then :/

**Ood says-** ood!

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** heyyyyzzz ma bruvvazz! yous should come nd join da paartyyy, ya get mea\afsadz?

**Jackie Chan says- **are you drunk?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** no!QE!$%£YE$RHTDF

**I love sex says-** I think that means he is...

**Ood says-** ood ood ood ood

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Big C...meet Ood

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** hEyyyz, I iz Big C

**Ood says-** ood

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **ermm ok... weevil :D

**Ood says**-ood.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** weevil

**Ood says-** ood ood!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** weevil weevil!

**Ood says-** OOD!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** WEEVIL!

**Ood says-** OOD!

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **WEEVIL! :(

**Am I Bovered says-** oh-kayy aliens, break it up

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** But he's startin on me!

**Sexy Techie says-** goodbye big C.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** pshh, i'll beat da nutter up if 'e tries anything... I'm goin back to me parrtyy :(

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

**Ood says-** Ood, ood ood ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood

**I love sex says-** I agree?

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** right, Ianto called? Something about an ood?

**Ood says-** ood ood ood ood!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** um, hello...

**Am I Bovered says-** so what's he saying?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I erm... don't know..

**Ood says-** ood ood ood!

**I love sex says-** what? how can you not know?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Look, I've never heard it before, okay?

**Ood says- **oood...ooooodddd...ooooooooood...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** urmm, guys, I think he's getting a bit ang-

**Ood says-** ! :( :(

**Sexy Techie says-** ...oh dear.

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** right, I hear you have an ood problem?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh thank god, you're here. What's he saying?

**Ood says- **ood ood ood, ood, ood ood

**Here come the drums says-** right ok... he either said I don't understand english... or my argos catalogue is stuck in a blender

**Ood says-** ood!

**Here come the drums says-** he says it's the second one

**Ood says- **! ood ood!

**Here come the drums says-** he says it's very traumatising

**Jackie Chan says-** aw, you poor thing :(

**Am I Bovered says -** we'll get you a new catalogue mate, don't worry

**Ood says-** ood! :(

**Here come the drums says-** I just wet myself? Now that does not make any sense...

**Ood says-** Ood ood ood ood ood!

**Here come the drums says- **Oh wait, you're right, I got it wrong...

**Ood says-** Ood!

**Here come the drums says-** ..he says he wants a burger

**Ood says-** OOD!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** there's a good burger place down the road, you should try that out

**Ood says-** Ood ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, ood!

**Here come the drums says-** ...he says thank you.

**Ood says-** Ood ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, ood Ood ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, ood Ood ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, ood Ood ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, oodOod ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, ood Ood ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, ood Ood ood ood, ood, ood ood, ood ood, ood ood ood, ood ood ood, ood, ood!

**Here come the drums says-** He says as a child he got attacked by an insane clown who bit him in the head which gave him rabies :D

**Ood says-** :|

**I love sex says-** Wow, you really have had a traumatising past, haven't you?

**Ood says-** ooood ood ooooooooood!

**Here come the drums says-** He says don't touch his tentacles, he'll explode

**Ood says-** OOD OOD!

**Here come the drums says-** Oh sorry, he meant testicles

**Ood says-** FOR GOD'S SAKES! I SAID MY ENGLISH IS NOT VERY GOOD! I THEN ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE NEAREST FIELD SO I COULD TELEPORT HOME! **YOU** MY FRIEND CANNOT SPEAK A WORD OF OOD! AND AS FOR THE REST OF YOU! YOU CALL YOURSELF A PROFESSIONAL ALIEN FIGHTING AGENCY? NONE OF YOU COULD EVEN FIGHT YOUR WAY OUT OF A BOX! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING, AND YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF BUMBLING IDIOTS! GOOD DAY!

_**-Ood has left the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** ...well he seemed nice :D

**Here come the drums says-** ...oh yeah totally :)

_A/N: And there we have it, chapter twenty five :) Please check out regrets as well if you have the time :) much love xxx_


	26. Big C's Big Break

_A/N: Before we start I just want to say- doesn't the title sound like a really crap children's book? Big C's Big Break, Sandra's first day at School, Timmy goes to Turkey!that kinda stuff ;P I had inspiration for this chapter in bed, and started to laugh so hard my mum came in and asked if I was having a fit -_- thanks mum. And on a final note, before any of you start going on about my rubbish rap skills it's MEANT to be rubbish xP Oh, and Gwen's name is Gwen's the best, in case you can't see it :D xxx _

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**- Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** So guys, how you all doing?

**Sexy Techie aays-** Well, my day's been alright but I really hurt myself when I came home from work because-

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** OMG GUYZZZ! I HAS GR8 NEWSSSS!

**Jackie Chan says-** What is it big C?

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh, no that's okay, we'll talk about him instead, don't mind me.

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **I've been signed!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** What do you mean signed?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** A record company wants to make ma rap, innit!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** :O

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** you wanna here?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** _hear_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** hear what?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Never mind -.- Ok then, let's hear it

**I IZ WEEVIL says-**

Okayzz, big love to ma peeps underground, innit

My name is Big C

When I spin I get dizzy

Just coz I iz a weevil,

Peoplez think I'm evil

I live underground

Where pipes are often found

I just wanna jam

Eating Loadz a spam

I come out every night

I own a broken kite

People call me C man,

'Part from me mum, she calls me ducky coz she's annoying like dat, innit

Brap Brap, word.

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Soooo... what do you guys think? :D

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** o.O

**I love sex says-** It.. um.. was.. um ...

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! says- **...I LOVED IT! :D

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...really?

**Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! says-** yeah!

**Sexy Techie says-** o.O

**I IZ WEEVIL says- **I couldn't think of a word that rhymed with man, do you think anyone will notice?

**I love sex says-** um... no... it didn't show at all!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** thank god for dat, innit!

**Jackie Chan says-** um.. yeah...

**Sexy Techie says-** Um... just out of interest... what record company was it that signed you?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** ScamsRus , cool name, innit bruv :D

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** and... um... how did you find out you'd got the deal?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** welllz, dey sent me an email saying I could get ma music posted if I sent dem ma credit card details and ma pin to dis warehouse somewhere in Manchester :D

**Jackie Chan says-** and you DID IT?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** yeah! why not! It aint lyk they're gonna take ma money or anyting is it?

**Sexy Techie says-** you IDIOT!

**Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! says-** Wot, I don't see anything wrong with it? :S

**I love sex says-** that's because you're the HEAD of all idiots

**Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! says-** heyy :(

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** I know wot you're all thinking innit, but it's legit

**Jackie Chan says-** Weevil, when someone asks you for your credit card details and pin in return for something like that it's a SCAM!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** well, yous are gonna be da ones laughing when I is famous. I'm glad I didn't show you the chorus now.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Oh god thee's mo- I mean- yay there's more!

**Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! says-** Oh come on ignore them, I really wanna hear! Please!

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Okays, but only for you babez.

...

I like mushy peas

Lotz a flowers makes me sneeze

I own plastic helicopters,

I'm afraid of doctors

Ladiez think I'm fit

My mantlepiece is made of grit

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**I love sex says-** ...omfg.

**Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! says-** Yous are all just jealous!

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has left the conversation-**_

_**-Gw3n 1s +h3 !3est! has left the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...well that was strange.

_**THE NEXT DAY**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_** -I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here Come The Drums says-** um.. guys... I was reading the Sun online and I found an article...

**I love sex says-** what did it say?

**Here Come The Drums says-** _"New Rapper on the Block Big C has become a music and internet sensation over night. The rapper, twenty seven from Wales has become so popular with youtubers that fans have been lining up all night to buy his new single, "I IZ WEEVIL, INNIT." The deep and meaningful lyrics have caught the world by storm._

**Jackie Chan says-** O.M.F.G

**I love sex says-** ...wow.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** o.O

**Here Come The Drums says-** I heard it on the radio... ten seconds in the girls started screaming

**Sexy Techie says-** What did you do?

**Here Come The Drums says- **turned it off. I don't want their little ears falling off

_** -I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** Told yous it was legit!

_A/N: That is NOT me trying to say believe scammers by the way ^_^ Review, as always. Much love xxxxx_


	27. Alien Auditions!

_A/N: Almost 200 reviews! I love you guys. Seriously, I do. Half of you have seemed to disappear though, which makes me sad :( Anyways, onto chapter twenty seven! With Big C about to become the next big thing, the team need to find a replacement alien mascot... xx_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation- **_

_** -Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** hi

**Jackie Chan says-** hey

**Sexy Techie says-** hello

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** sup.

**Here come the drums says-** aloha.

**I love sex says-** Bonjour.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** It's just not the same without the "yo fam" :(

**Sexy Techie says-** I know :( Why did he have to go and get famous?

**I love sex says-** when you think about it, although he's a weevil and all that we really have had some awesome times :(

**Jackie Chan says-** Like the time he came over to help us paint the hub and he accidently painted it green :(

**Sexy Techie says- **Or the time he sneezed in gwen's coffee cup and got some alien virus :(

**Here come the drums says-** or the time we all went to get hotdogs and he ate the hotdog guy coz he gave us the wrong change :(

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** And he was actually surprisingly quite good with the girls as well, he was always playing peek-a-boo with them :(

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** And I remember how he hid Tosh's chocolate stash that one time... :(

**Sexy Techie says-** yeah... wait, you were in on that?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...no

**Jackie Chan says-** Yes, yes yes I know we all miss Big C very much, he was a friend, a mascot and more importantly... he was always willing to eat any of the bodies that Owen couldn't be bothered to autopsy

**I love sex says-** :D

**Jackie Chan says- **which is why... I've decided to hold auditions for a new big C! :D

**Sexy Techie says-** WHAT?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** You've just invited a load of aliens.. to come and find us?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Clearly he doesn't mature with age.

**Jackie Chan says-** Oh keep your knickers on the lot of you, they'll be signing onto MSN and telling as a bit about themselves, not coming to the hub

**Here come the drums says-** why do I get the feeling this won't be going well?

**Jackie Chan says-** The first one should be arriving any minute...

**Jackie Chan says-** now.

_** -Abaddon has entered the conversation-**_

**Abaddon says-** I am god.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** wow... somebody's a bit full of himself.

**Jackie Chan says-** so.. abaddon... what are your interests?

**Abaddon says-** Killing anyone who lands in my shadow, as they are weak, and I am THE BEAST.

**I love sex says-** so..what are your nicknames?

**Abaddon says-** THE BEAST.

**Sexy Techie says-** okay... I'm sorry but I just don't think you're qualified for the job...

_**-Abaddon has been blocked-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **next?

_**-Dalek has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Oh god Jack, what were you thinking?

**Dalek says-** Exterminate!

**Sexy Techie says-** ... fail

**I love sex says-** Hobbies?

**Dalek says-** exterminating people!

**Jackie Chan says-** ..family?

**Dalek says-** my wife ran off with a cyberman! exterminate!

**Sexy Techie says- ** ...

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ..i think I double booked...

**Cyberman says- ** you will be deleted

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** But we're on msn...

**Cyberman says-** ...well... your msn history will be deleted!

**Dalek says-** this is the bastard that ran off with my wife! Exterminate!

**Cyberman says-** Delete!

**Dalek says-** Exterminate!

**Cyberman says-** Delete!

**Dalek says-** Exterminate!

**Cyberman says-** Delete!

**Dalek says-** Exterminate!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Jack? Get rid of them.

_**-Dalek has been blocked-**_

_**-Cyberman has been blocked-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** this is NOT going well Jack :

**I love sex says-** yeah, you're wasting our time :

**Jackie Chan says-** uh... it will get better, I promise!

**Sexy Techie says-** it better :

_**-The Night Traveller has entered the conversation-**_

**The Night Traveller says- **Hello, I am a night traveller, would you like to see the show?

**I love sex says- **er...that's alright...

**The Night traveller says-** I insist! Join us!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **No, we really don't fancy it...

**Here come the drums says-** So.. you got a lot of friends?

**The night traveller says-** I have many friends at the circus, we are one big family. join our family, come and join the show!

**Timey WImey Lord says-** seriously, we'd rather not

**Jackie Chan says-** so what do you do at the weekends?

**The night traveller says-** I prepare my show, you could do the same, if you just join us!

**Sexy Techie says-** WE DON'T WANT TO OK!

**I love sex says-** for god's , let's try again. What's your perfect night out?

**The night traveller says-** Going to the circus, come a join the-

**Sexy Techie says-** Okay Jack, that's it, block him

_**-The night traveller has been blocked-**_

**Here Come The Drums says-** Things are not looking good for you Harkness...

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay guys look, there's gotta be at least ONE decent alien out their to replace big C... I've got one more appointment, let's just give him a try, okay?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** fine...

_**-The Beast has entered the conversation- **__(A/N: The one in doctor who in "The Impossible Planet") _

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** hello, how are you?

**The Beast says-** I AM SATAN, THE BEAST, THE DEATHLESS PRINCE, THE DESTROYER OF HOPE, THE DARKNESS, THE BRINGER OF THE NIGHT! I AM HE WHO BATHES IN THE BLACK SUN! I AM THE FEAR, THE AGONY, THE PAIN, THE SORROW! I WILL TAKE ALL LIVING BEINGS AND CRUSH THEM BENEATH MY FINGERS! I WILL DESTROY THE UNIVERSE AND DRINK THE BLOOD OF MILLIONS! I WILL-

_**-The Beast has been blocked-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...well he sounded alright.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** JACK! ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!

**Sexy Techie says-** SERIOUSLY, STOP WITH THE ALIENS, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US ALL FUCKING KILLED OR SOMETHING!

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I guess we'll be alien buddy-less forever :(

_**-I IZ WEEVIL has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** BIG C!

**I love sex says- **you're back!

**Sexy Techie says-** but.. why? You were meant to move to LA to begin your life as a famous rapper! Why would you ever decide to come back here?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** becoz... I quit, innit.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** :O

**Jackie Chan says-** what? why?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** becoz... b4 I got on da plane I realized dat wot a man needs more den anything is his mates, ya get me? Coz friendz r more important den making money, coz as long as you got a good bunch of friends, dat's the best thing dat you could ever have, not money or riches., innit.

**Sexy Techie says-** awww, Big C! :') That was beautiful! :') :') :')

**I love sex says-** you're the best man!

**Here come the drums says-** ...your record label dumped you, didn't they?

**I IZ WEEVIL says-** welll... yeah, dat too.

_A/N: Aww, you thought Big C was having a really deep moment there, didn't you? :P Review as always, much love xxxx_


	28. Babies and Allergies

_A/N: Over 200 reviews! I never ever thought I'd get that many, and I'm still shocked I managed to get past 100 XD thanks everyone xxx_

_**-Jones. Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Yo martians and alien hunters!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Hey guys, we all alright?

**Here come the drums says- **Yeah, I finally get to put my feet up!

**I love sex says-** Girls been having you run all over the place?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** yeah, with feeding, changing, and just generally wanting attention

**I love sex says -** I've seen them though, they're adorable

**Here come the drums says-** Yeah, they can get anything they want, all they have to do is bat their eyes.

**Jackie Chan says-** The boy's will love them

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** The boys won't be touching them till their at least twenty five.

**Sexy Techie says-** ohhh, protective big brother alert! ;D What are they up to now anyway?

**Here come the drums says-**They're in the study with the doctor.

**Timey Wimey Lord say-** Wait, what? I'm not in the study, I'm in the cafe down the road with the laptop! Where are you?

**Here come the drums says-** I told you, I was going to the library! wait... YOU LEFT OUR CHILDREN AT HOME ALONE?

**Jackie Chan says-** o.O uh oh.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I thought you said you had them!

**Here come the drums says! **YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** DAD, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

_**-Triplets have entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** ... er...

**Triplets says-** erifdofrefjvkflrefgvlfde.r,;cdrle.,dfcvjhulwad daddy :)

**Here Come The drums says-** :O

**Sexy Techie says-** you don't think...

**Jackie Chan says-** but it's not possible! ...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ... is it?

**Triplets says- **rekodiflrjlfkflkesddeles ducky kejklrwlor3wlsdkermrkd

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...I'm surprised you didn't expect this after the last time.

**I love sex says-** What last time?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** When I was a baby dad left me alone for like ten minutes and I'd managed to hack into the government

**Here come the drums says-** :') I was so proud :')

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** All saxon/smith babies come out smart

**Triplets- **[res;dreklrdfdlesd yay!

**Here Come The Drums says-** Right, well I better go home and sort these three out

**Triplets says-** sdweskjeksol bottle :D

**Here come the drums says-** Yes yes yes, it's coming :) bye guys

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** yeah, I'm off too, I have some grovelling to do

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-Triplets have left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie Says-** Bless them :')

**Jackie Chan says-** I know :) Even if the doctor can be a right twat some times

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has left the conversation-**_

_(I'd just like to say at this point my brain completely fell apart. I couldn't think of anything. So I've thrown something together and hoped it's decent.)_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...It's safe. I repeat, the coast is clear.

_**-Myfanwy has entered the conversation-**_

**Myfanwy says-** I thought they'd never leave!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Yeah yeah yeah, enough of the chit chat, you got the goods?

**Myfanwy says-** Yeah... I had to to swim through waterfalls, have sex with a hippo and do things that NO pteranodon should ever have to do, but I've got it.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **The...

**Myfanwy says-** yes. The thing we've been waiting for for years...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...COFFEE FLAVOURED OREOS!

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Did I hear coffee flavoured oreos? Because you KNOW i'm allergic to those things Ianto.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Uh, no Jack, I would NEVER dream of bringing them anywere near the hub

**Jackie Chan says-** Ok... well I'm going to finish my reports...

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

**Myfanwy says-** Phewww, close one.

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Hey guys.. what you up to..

**Am I Bovered says-** Listen, enough with the small talk, we heard you got coffee flavoured oreos, and we want in.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** How did you manage to get them into the hub?

**Myfanwy says-** I snuck in, then Big C caught me.

**Am I Bovered says-** oooooh! How did you get out of that one?

**Myfanwy says-** I had to do something which may haunt me for the rest of my life... let's just say Mrs Myfanwy won't be very happy.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** OMFG!

**Am I Bovered says-** THAT'S DISGUSTING!

**Myfanwy says-** It was worth it. Now, let's tuck into the coffee oreo goodness!

_**-Jackie chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** I definately heard it that time. Do you three have coffee oreos?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...of course not!

**Am I Bovered says-** why don't you like them anyway?

**Jackie Chan says-** Because they give me rashes!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** where?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** On him ars-

**Jackie Chan says-** On my CHEST Ianto remember? my CHEST

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says- **Phew... another close call!

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says- **We heard the news

**I love sex says- **Yeah, we want a share!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Ok, do we all have one? Let's eat them all together now...

**Sexy Techie says-** three...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** two...

**I love sex says-** one...

_**-Triplets have entered the conversation-**_

**Triplets says-** we're rerjerdflkejksd telling :D esfdedf

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...

**Myfanwy says-** ... Oh fuck.

_A/N: I'm gonna post this before I kill myself. Sorry guys. Much love xxx_


	29. Dalek!

_A/N: Heyyy guuyyysss :) Thanks for all the reviews :) Once more I am having trouble deciding what to write, so I'm just kinda typing and hoping it turns out ok :P xxx_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** ...I'm bored. Give me something to do!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Well, you could finish those reports your meant to finish, actually carry out that autopsy you're meant to do (that dead body's been there for three days now Owen, it's starting to stink) you could tidy up the medical bay for once in your life or you could remove the alien gunk from all your medical equipment

**I love sex says-** ...give me something fun to do!

**Sexy Techie says-** I'm bored as well :(

**Jackie Chan says-** How about-

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** no.

**Jackie Chan says- **Or maybe we could-

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** still no.

**Jackie Chan says-** Ok, so why don't we -

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** No way in hell.

**Jackie Chan says-** But you don't even know what I'm going to say!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** "Strip poker", "naked hide and seek" and "all have sex"

**Jackie Chan says-** ...that wasn't it...

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** Hello darlings!

**I love sex says-** You wanna know something? We have a chavvy weevil as a best friend. I could get used to that. We have a pet pteranodon who liked oreos. That's cool. But THAT? I will never get used to.

**Dalek Caan says-** So what have we all been doing huns?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Not much. We spoke to a dalek two days ago, if that interests you.

**Dalek Caan says-** Oh really? Was it Rita? Because she's nice, but a bit of a bossy boots if you know what I'm saying!

**Gwen is Teh awesome says-** Er.. no, he didn't say his name, he was just called Dalek. He said a cyberman ran off with his wife?

**Dalek Caan says- **Oh god, you spoke to Derek? He's STILL annoyed about that? Oh my. You'd of thought he'd of been happy for me!

**I love sex says-** Wait... YOU'RE THE WIFE? WTF?

**Dalek Caan says-** Well yes, I was the wife in the relationship. I just couldn't take it anymore. He wore GREEN and ORANGE together for gods sakes!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Well yes but what's so great about the cyberman?

**Dalek Caan says-** The second I saw Colin I knew he was THE ONE. He was wearing DKNY! It was meant to be!

**I love sex says-** ...

_**-Dalek Caan has been blocked-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Owen! What was that for!

**I love sex says-** I could feel my masculinity ebbing away, okay?

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** hey guys!

**Here Come The Drums says-** ...you annoy me.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** well you annoy me more!

**Here Come The Drums says-** You're mother wants to throw you down a well.

**Jackie Chan says-** oooohhhh! Beef!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Don't be so mean to her!

**Here Come The Drums says-** Shut up Gappy. _(A/N: No offence to anyone with gaps in their teeth, I had one for twelve years till I got braces :P)_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Well... you make children cry!

_**-Here Come the drums is typing-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** You really asked for it now, Splog.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Splog?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Well yeah, 'cos we have the same surname so I can't call you by your surname coz that's weird so I decided your new surname is Splog.

**Jackie Chan says-** Why Splog?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Dunno... it just suited her.

_**-Here Come The Drums is typing-**_

**I love sex says-** God, how long is his message?

**Here Come The Drums says-** WELL WHEN YOU WERE BORN EVERY SINGLE LIGHT IN THE WORLD WENT OUT BECAUSE YOU ARE SATAN AND CHILDREN CRY WHEN THEY EVEN HEAR YOUR NAME LET ALONE SEE YOUR FACE! YOUR THE UGLIEST THING THAT HAS EVER WALKED THIS EARTH, AND THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO LIKE YOU ARE LOSERS LIKE GWEN WHO HAVE NO LIFE. I'D SHOOT YOU BUT THEN I'D HAVE NO ONE TO BULLY, ALTHOUGH EVEN IF I DID SHOOT YOU NO ONE WOULD CARE. GO COVER YOUR HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG YOU UGLY, CRAZY, STUPID, NAIVE, FOOLISH, IDIOTIC LITTLE GIRL! AND ON A FINAL NOTE, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOUR JACKET? IT'S LIKE THIS WEIRD PINK PLASTIC RUBBERY THING! WHERE DID YOU FIND IT, A JUMBLE SALE? ...done.

**Jackie Chan says-** :O

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** :(

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** That was not very nice! :

**I love sex says- **Do you wanna be next?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** no...

**Sexy Techie says-** Then shut up.

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...Well that was fun.

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says- **Er guys? Martha's trying to throw herself off a cliff screaming that everyone hates her and her jacket was given to her by her mother?

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ...meh. Give her half an hour, she'll be fine.

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Can you lot sort these two out, they're annoying the hell out of me

**Dalek says-** Exterminate!

**Am I Bovered says-** OH DON'T YOU BLOODY EXTERMINATE ME MISTER!

**Dalek Caan says-** Oh just go away Derek, I told you, we're over

**Dalek says-** But Caan, I want us to destroy the world together _(A/N: anything he says is in a monotone dalek voice btw xD)_

**Dalek Caan says-** Get lost derek!

**Dalek says-** But Caan, my non existant heart bursts for you

**Dalek Caan says-** No derek. We're over.

**Here come the drums says-** BEG BEG BEG BEG!

**Jackie Chan says-** you are not helping!

**Dalek says-** But Julie. I love you.

**I love sex says-** Julie?

**Dalek Caan says-** Look, it really doesn't matter.

**Dalek says-** I know deep in your heart you love me Julie!

**Dalek Caan says-** Cut it out Derek, me and Colin are happy together!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Seriously, why does he call you Julie?

**Dalek Caan says-** Seriously huns, don't worry! And Derek I told you it's not Julie it's _cynthia!_

**HartBreaker says-** TELL US! TELL US! TELL US! TELL US!

**Dalek Caan says-** BECAUSE YESTERDAY I HAD A SEX CHANGE, OKAY?

**I love sex says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** o.O

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...I'm out.

**Sexy Techie says-** same.

**Here come the drums says-** seconded.

**Jackie Chan says-** Thirded

**I love sex says-** same.

**HartBreaker says- **Ditto.

**Am I Bovered says-** Right behind you.

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has left the conversation-**_

**Dalek says-** ,..my love for you matches a thousand setting suns.

**Dalek Caan says-** Oh shut it Derek!

_A/N: No offense to transsexuals, or anyone who likes wearing pink rubbery things. Review as always :) Much love xxx_


	30. NEVER let the Master pick your date

_A/N: Chapter thirty! Well, I never expected the fic to go on for this long :P Thanks for all your support guys xxx_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Hey, thanks for the flowers :)

**Jackie Chan says-** My pleasure :) We still on for tonight?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Yeah :) I seight okay?

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Sorry. are we interupting something?

**Jackie Chan says-** Nahh, we're just sorting out details for tonight.

**Sexy Techie says-** I wish I had a partner :( Everybody's got someone apart from me :(

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** I could set you up if you want? :D

**I love sex sayys-** Must you always eavesdrop into our conversation?

**Here come the drums says-** Are you telling me if you had three babies who could hack into any online conversation you wouldn't use that power at all? Anways, what do ya say tosh?

**Sexy Techie says-** I don't think so

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **Why not?

**Sexy Techie says-** Because the last time he tried to set me up on a date I ended up in a lovely french restaurant

**I love sex says-** Well that doesn't sound too bad...

**Here Come The Drums says-** See! :D

**Sexy Techie says- **With BoBo the clown.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...?

**Here come the drums says-** I told you this already, the guy cancelled at the last minute and I had to send somebody along! Anyways, this time it's a different man, he's available and he really wants to meet you!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Oh go on Tosh, you may as well go for it! How bad could it be?

**Sexy Techie says-** ...Fine. But I want to talk to him on here first to make sure he's not a total idiot.

**Here come the Drums says-** Okay, I can sort that out.

**Jackie Chan says-** Who knows Tosh, he may even be the one!

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Hey guys, what's going on?

**I love sex says-** The Master's arranging a date for Tosh!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Really? That's nice.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Wait a minute... Master? Nice? Something's not right here...

**Here come the drums says- **Martha, Martha Martha. Why must you always assume I'm planning something?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Because chances are? You probably are.

**Here Come The Drums says-** God! Don't be so moody! Anyways. here he is! :D

_**-The lord of the Pies has entered the conversation-**_

**The Lord Of The Pies says-** Hello Toshiko Sato. I am Hubbakeiamakkaloumi. _(A/N: Pronouned Hubba-key-a-mac-a-loo-me xD) _ I am the Lord of the Planet Pie. The country with over three billion different types of Pie. I am 341, single, and looking for some love.

**Sexy Techie says- **I...am going... to KILL YOU! :

**Here come the drums says-** Look, I'm sorry but here's the thing-

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Wow dad, you really messed that one up :P

**Lord Of The Pies says-** I am bald, have extreme body hair, (but it's okay, I take pills for it) and I weight 806 kilograms.

**I love sex says-** EIGHT HUNDRED AND SIX KILOGRAMS? THAT'S 127 STONE!

**Lord Of The Pies says-** I know, I am proud to be the slimmest man on my planet.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** o.O

**Sexy Techie says-** ...GAHHH!

**Here come the drums says-** Ok, I know this looks bad, but really, it's n-

**Jackie Chan says-** Do you have any hobbies?

**Lord Of The Pies says-** Eating Pie.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...anything else?

**Lord Of The Pies says-** Dreaming about Pie.

**I love sex says-** Ambitions?

**Lord Of The Pies says-** Eating the universe's biggest pie.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...well he's a keeper.

**Here come the drums says-** Look, guys-

**Sexy Techie says-** Save it. I give you another chance and you blow it. Thanks to you I'm stuck with a bald, fat guy.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** HEY! ...You're dating HOMOR SIMPSON?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...well I'm off before my sanity dies completely.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation- **_

**I love sex says-** You're name's rather long you know.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** I know, I have a nickname.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh, thank god. What is it.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** Hubbakeiamakaloumi.

**I love sex says-** But... that's what you just told us...

**Lord Of The Pies says-** Noo, this one only has one two k's rather then three, you see?

**Jackie Chan says-** Right... Well have fun on your date Tosh!

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

**Lord Of The Pies says-** So, I'll see you at the bay at Six, bye babe. xx

_**-Lord Of the Pies has signed off-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Okay, seriously you guys-

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** See Tosh, I told you you couldn't trust someone like... _him._

**Sexy Techie has says-** I am Never coming to you for dates again!

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**Voice of A Nightingale says-** Well done freak!

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** If you'd of let me talk for a minute maybe you'd of realised that I was _trying _to tell you that that wasn't the guy that I'd set you up with! Oh well, it's their loss.

_**-John Barrowman has entered the conversation-**_

**John Barrowman says-** Hey Harry, did I miss her?

**Here come the drums says-** Yeah, sorry mate, she's left

**John Barrowman says-** Oh, that's a shame, I was really looking forward to meeting her. Oh well, maybe another time!

_**-John Barrowman has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Was that John Barrowman, the famous actor from TouchWood?

**Here come the drums says-** Yeah. He was here for Tosh's date, not that fat guy. Now she hates me :(

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh well, I still love you :)

**Here come the drums says- **...do you reckon we should tell Martha that we were having sex the whole time she was on earth during the year that never was?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...meh. What she doesn't know can't hurt her.

_A/N: Ahhh, I love those two :') Review as always please :) Much love xxx_


	31. Dating Plans

_A/N: To anyone who reviewed about it, or was wondering, I do know that John Barrowman is gay (I have his autobiographies xD) and I'm always aww'ing at pictures of him and Scott :P But for the purpose of the last chapter he was bi, okay? xP Now it's 9.30 in the morning here, but I really felt like typing something so I'm sorry if this chapter looks like I've written it with my eyes shut :P xxx_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Hello Gwen..

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Hey...Jack ;)

**Jackie Chan says-** You do know I'm with someone right?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah, so am I, it doesn't mean we can't spend more time together ;)

**Jackie Chan says-** Look...gwen... I don't love you.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I'm okay with that, the sex can be meaningless if you want ;D

**Jackie Chan says-** ...go away Gwen.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Yeah Gwen, fuck off, he's with someone.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah, I know teaboy, which means you can't have him either.

**I love sex says-** -facepalms-

**Sexy Techie says-** Gwen...Jack is in a relationship. _with Ianto._

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What?

**Jackie Chan says-** Why do you think we kiss and go on dates and stuff?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I thought that they were business meetings... like you're always both disappearing into your office to sort out files and stuff like Ianto says...

**I love sex says-** ...-facepalms again-

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** hey hunnie!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ..two faced cow.

**Rhys says- **What?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** huh? oh sorry, fingers slipped.

**Rhys says-** Hmmm... that's what I thought you said.

**Jackie Chan says-** You do realise that no-one finds you even remotely scary, right?

**Rhys says-** Hey! I could take down coffee boy if I wanted to!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** By what, sitting on me?

**Sexy Techie says-** -sniggers-

**Rhys says-** I hate bloody torchwood.

_**-Rhys has left the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Bye bye fattie and gappie!

_**-BIG C, INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C, INNIT says-** yooo fam

**Jackie Chan says-** Hey Big C

**I love sex says-** How you been?

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Yeah, I'm doin alright, got me self a new bird

**Sexy Techie says-** Even the weevil gets a date before me. Great.

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here Come The Drums says- **Well you _could_ of...

**Sexy Techie says-** Yes, yes, yes for the _fifth_ time I'm sorry for doubting you.

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Anywayz, she recently dumped her boyfriend, and altho she's a dalek, mann this girl's peng!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Err, big C? She's not-

**BIG C, INNIT says-** She's not a what?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...never mind.

**Here come the drums says-** Okay, even though the dating disaster last night was no fault of my own... I feel sorry for Tosh. So I say we all band together and find her a date.

_**-Lord Of The Pies has entered the conversation-**_

**Lord Of The Pies says-** I'll be her-

**Here come the drums says-** no.

**Lord Of The Pies says- **:(

_**-Lord Of The Pies has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** So what do you say?

**I love sex says-** Yeah, I'm up for it! I think I even know the perfect guy for Tosh, he's one of John's friends

**Jackie Chan says- **...one of _John's _friends?

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Hey! Don't say it like that, he's a nice guy!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Is he the one with the phobia of left nostrils?

**HartBreaker says-** no, that's Ben.

**I love sex says-** Wait... it isn't the one who collects used condoms for a hobby is it?

**HartBreaker says-** No, he's on a date with Ben.

**Sexy Techie says-** It isn't the one who ran into the room naked while we were all eating screaming that "the devil was coming" is it?

**HartBreaker says-** Nope, he's in a mental home.

**Jackie Chan says-** He isn't the one who carries a chainsaw everywhere and cut exactly five lines into every peice of wood in Cardiff over night and stole all of the pot plants from people's gardens is he?

**HartBreaker says-** Ahh Stephen, nice guy, we keep in touch.

**I love sex says-** o.O

**HartBreaker says-** His name's Danny, he's blond, good looking and flirts with anything that moves

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Does he flirt with anything that moves and thinks that everyone worships the ground he walks on because he's "a sex god?"

**Jackie Chan says-** If he does, he's a bit full of himself, isn't he?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I was talking about you

**Jackie Chan says-** Wait... hey!

**BIG C, INNIT says-** wellz, I think dis dude sounds alright...

**Here come the drums says-** Same, you should give it a go!

**Sexy Techie says-** Fine...

**HartBreaker says-** Okay, he says he'll meet you outside the Italian restaurant on the bay at 7.30

**BIG C, INNIT says-** I bet he's good, but not as good as my girl!

_**-Dalek Cynthia has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Cynthia says-** Hey hunny bunny!

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Hey babez!

**I love sex says-** Hello... cynthia.

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Well, we're off to do some... lovin ;)

**Dalek Cynthia says-** *giggles*

_**-Dalek Cynthia has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C, INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** ...ew.

**Sexy Techie says-** Should we tell him?

**Here come the drums says-** ...nah.

_**-Lord Of The Pies has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek has entered the conversation- **__(A/N: Everything he says is monotone :) )_

**Dalek says-** I have lost the love of my life. again. boo hoo. boo hoo.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** I have no one to share my pie with :(

**Dalek says-** ...I like Pie.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** Really?

**Dalek says-** Yes. I make TicTac flavoured pie on weekends.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** You can make _tictac_ flavoured pies? You're like an angel sent from heaven above!

**Dalek says-** Do you like exterminating people?

**Lord Of The Pies says-** I love exterminating people who don't eat pie!

**Dalek says-** destiny.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** *snogs*

**I love Sex says-** O-KAYYYY let's leave these two love birds to it!

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here Come The Drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here Come The Drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**Lord Of The Pies says-** I would stop eating pie for you!

**Dalek says-** I would exterminate anyone for you!

_A/N: Because I felt guilty that those two didn't end up with partners xD Review as always, much love xxx_


	32. Evil plans don't work for stupid people

_A/N: Thanks for correcting that stupid mistake in the last chapter guys, i've fixed it. (obviously brain and fingers were not connected whilst typing that xD) Can I just suggest that you go back and read chapter eight, because it fits in with this. Otherwise you may get a little _

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums have entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation- **_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says- **I wonder how Tosh is doing on her date?

**Jackie Chan says-** Well, she didn't come to the hub this morning so she must be busy, if you get what I'm saying ;)

**I love sex says- **Do you think she's alright?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Of course she is! She's just enjoying herself. She'll be fine...

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversastion-**_

**Here Come The Drums says-** Ah, Tosh, we were just talking about you! How's the date?

**Sexy Techie says-** I need to be quick, I grabbed his laptop when he left the room, I'm typing with my feet. He's tied me up, the dude's fucking insane, he keeps saying he wants revenge for something! Oh god, he's coming, guys hel-

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ...Oh god.

**Here come the drums says-** John! I thought you said Danny was normal!

**HartBreaker says-** He is! I think... I just met him one day and we got talking, he's just your normal bloke!

**I love sex says-** Well he doesn't exactly sound normal!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** We have to get Tosh! Where could she be?

_**-Evil has entered the conversation-**_

**Evil says-** She's with me.

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay...

**Evil says-** I've been waiting a long time to get my revenge on torchwood, a very long time indeed after your bloody teaboy humiliated me all those weeks ago...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I have absolutely no idea who you are

**Evil says-** Do you remember me...

_**-"Evil" has changed his/her name to "Danny"-**_

**Danny-** NOW?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...nope, still have no clue.

**Jackie Chan says-** Can't say it rings a bell

**Here come the drums says-** Never heard of you before

**I love sex says-** I think I know yo- no wait, that was someone else.

**Danny says-** I'm DANNY! The pizza delivery boy! Remember?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...nope, still haven't got a clue.

**Jackie Chan says-** Wait, I remember you now! You were the one that thought you were the saviour of the human race, and told Ianto his archives were rubbish or something, so he gave an angry rant and you ran off crying!

**Danny says-** I was not crying, I was just...testing my vocal chords

**HartBreaker says-** suuurreee...

**Danny says-** You see, the plan was simple. What better way to get my revenge then to take one of your own? I found out poor miss Sato was partnerless, befriended John and then recommended myself as a date. One I met up with her I slipped a sleeping pill in her drink, took her home and tied her up! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Here come the drums says-** What now?

**Danny says- **...what do you mean what now?

**Here come the drums says-** Well... what are you going to do next? Kill her, torture her, ask for money in exchange for her life, what?

**Danny says-** Well in all honesty I hadn't really thought this part up... I didn't think I'd manage to get this far...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...-facepalms-

**Danny says- ** I could dangle her over a lake of piranhas?

**Here come the drums says-** What are you, three? Sounds like something out of a crappy film. No, if you're going to do something, do it PROPERLY.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Uh... darling, I really don't think you should encourage him...

**Here come the drums says-** You could use her technology to rule the world, and stamp out all the idiots like Gwen! But you could keep martha and make her build statues of you all over the world, watching as she dies a very long and painful death and then you could revive her and make her do it all over again, and then tie her in a room with one of those annoying Nodding dog things and watch as she slowly goes MAD and- ...sorry...

**I love sex says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** Look, I REALLY don't like her, OKAY?

**Here come the drums says-** Okay, first of all, unlock all of your doors, because you don't want to look like an idiot trying to get them open in front of your hostage, do you?

**Danny says-** Smart! Okay, I've done it

**Here come the drums says-** Now, walk up to the hostage

**Danny says-** Okay, I'm behind her. Now what do I do?

**Here come the drums says-** Untie her.

**Danny says-** Okay! Wait... why would I untie her?

**Here come the drums says-** Because, that way you can make her walk in front of you with a gun pressed to the back of her head. It's soo much more effective. But this is only your first evil plan after all, maybe you're not ready...

**Danny says-** Of course I'm ready!

**Here come the drums says-** Okay then, untie her

**Danny says-** Okay, I've untied her, and now she's-

_** -Danny has signed offline-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** More like _"Danny has been punched in the face"!_ Good job dad!

**Here come the drums says-** See, I know what I'm doing! :D

**Jackie Chan says-** So John, what have we learnt from this?

**HartBreaker says-** Never befriend strangers without knowing fully who they are :(

**I love sex says-** Oh well, Tosh is ok, no harm done

**HartBreaker says-** And never give said stranger the keys to the hub :(

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** You gave him WHAT?

**HartBreaker says-** It seemed like a good idea at the time...

**Jackie Chan says-** Oh god, he's at the enterance waving a gun around, I better go sort him out

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **I guess we won't be ordering pizza from HIM anymore.

_A/N: Poor, poor pizza dude. Much love xxxx_


	33. You can't split up awesome

_A/N: This chapter is set after the three proposals :) xxx_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Sooooo! How did it goo!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I'm getting married!

**Sexy Techie says-** SQUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Sammmeeee! I heard the doctor proposed too?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-**Yeah!

**Sexy Techie says-** Double squuuueee! I don't believe that the three of you are getting married!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I know! I'm not sure how Gwen'll take it though...

**I love sex says-** Speaking of girls, how's Martha? I'd of thought she'd be pretty pissed about the Master

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I mentioned that to him last night actually. He said he handled it "with dignity and grace".

**Sexy Techie says- ...**He rubbed it in her face then?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Yep, probably.

**I love sex says-** Well I'm off, planning to do!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** same!

**Sexy Techie says-** And I better finish this programming :)

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

_**-KissFromARose has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**KissFromARose says-** Did you hear that?

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **Hear what?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** The Doctor, Ianto and Owen are getting married!

**KissFromARose says-** We need to stop it. The Doctor is MINE.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Excuse me? I think you'll find he's mine.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** And it's obviously Jack is deeply in love with me! Why would he agree to marry Ianto?

**KissFromARose says- **Okay, we can fight over who gets Jack later, but for now we need to split them all up.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Okay, this is what we do. Rose, you start flirting with John. That way, he'll flirt with you and we'll send the email of the conversation to Owen, thus breaking Owen's heart.

**KissFromARose says-** Okay..

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Then, Owen will cry to Ianto. Ianto will worry that Jack will do the same thing. So then, when he comes back on msn asking we pretend to be Jack and say that we've cheated on him with Gwen

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Sounds good ;)

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Then, Jack will date Gwen because Ianto would have left him for cheating. Then, Ianto will tell the Master who will be so mad at Jack he'll try to hurt him, or kill him and the Doctor will dump him.

**KissFromARose says-** Ahhh, and one of us gets him!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Okay, me and Martha will leave. I've sent John a message saying Rose wants to talk to him

_** -Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Ermm, hey, Gwen says you wanted to speak to me?

**KissFromARose says-** Hey... John ;)

**HartBreaker says-** Ermm... hi?

**KissFromARose says-** So.. what you up to? ...sexy.

**HartBreaker says-** I'm, uh, just waiting for Owen to come home. What about you, how do you feel?

**KissFromARose says-** horny.

**HartBreaker says-** ...

**KissFromARose says-** ;)

**HartBreaker says-** So... what you up to?

**KissFromARose says- **Stripping ;)

**HartBreaker says-** Ooookayyyyy, I'm off, bye Rose.

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** So, how did it go?

**KissFromARose says-** It didn't work :( He must be gay, no man would resist me :(

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll skip a stage, and pretend to be Jack telling Ianto we've cheated on him.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Okay, I'll be Jack

_**-KissFromARose has left the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

_**-"Gwen is teh awesome" has changed his/her name to "Jackie Chan"-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says- **Hey, you wanted to see me?

**Jackie Chan says-** Yeah. I need to tell you something. Something important.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Okay, shoot...

**Jackie Chan says-** I've been lying to you. I don't love you, I love Gwen.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** WHAT?

**Jackie Chan says-** Yes. Throughout all of our relationship I've been sleeping with her. I'm even with her now, she's asleep next to me. I'm sorry Ianto, but you'll never compare to her.

**Jones, ianto Jones says-** So you're with Gwen? Right now?

**Jackie Chan says-** Yes. I'm sorry.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Yes, but you see, there's a slight flaw in this plan... Jack's standing right next to me reading over my shoulder.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Bye Gwen.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

_**-KissFromARose has entered the conversation-**_

**KissFromARose says-** Damm!

_**-"Jackie Chan" has changed his/her name to "Gwen is teh awesome"-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I know! :

**KissFromARose says-** Okay, let's just try the Doctor

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Heyy Doctor! We heard the news!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Isn't it great? :D

**KissFromARose says- ** Yeah... _great._

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** It's just... we're concerned for you. What if the Master tries to hurt you?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** He would never

**KissFromARose says-** But you see the thing is, we think he already has...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** What?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says- **Well you know that blond with the red car who parks next to the SUV every morning? They've been giving eachother eyes. We think they're having sex.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** What, you mean the one he swears at every morning because the dude keeps parking his car over two spaces, the dude he'd "quite happily stick a fork into"?

**KissFromARose says-** Yeah... him...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...don't worry.

_**-Timey Wimey Lord left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Well that went well.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Oh well, it's not like the other three will ever know...

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** A word of advice ladies? Ever try and split my relationship, my son's or any of my friend's up again and I'll rip off your heads and use them as toilet plungers. 'Kay? :D

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** o.O

_A/N: Review as usual please :) Much love xxx_


	34. NEVER Diss fashion

_A/N: By the way, just to mention I went back to school yesterday, so updates will be later on in the day. Now, onto the most important thing. I missed Big C :( I missed our favourite chavvy weevil, and I also missed our favourite metal fashionista. So I brought them back. Be prepared to read possibly the strangest lover's tiff ever :P Also, I would just like to point out that besides the obvious master/doctor jack/Ianto and Owen/John pairings, no pairings are set in stone, and I'll probably jumble them up ever now and then ;)xxx_

_**-BIG C, INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Oh ma dayz, thank god u lot are here!

**Sexy Techie says-** Why... what's wrong?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** What did you set on fire this time?

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Nahh, it's more serious den that, innit, and btw, that library totally had it coming!

**Jackie Chan says-** So what have you gone and done then?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well, I was just shopping with ma lady, on some planet, like you do, and den we went past a shoe shop

**I love sex says- **And...

**BIG C, INNIT says-** And Cynthia wanted to go in it, yeah, and I woz lyk naaahh

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** You said... .no... to going in a shoe shop... with cann... ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE, MAN?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** And she started getting all lairy, and I woz lyk, "babez, you don't need more shoes-"

**I love sex says-** Ouch. Somebody's in trouuuuuuuubbbllllleeee!

**BIG C, INNIT says-** "-coz you ain't got no feet!"

**I love sex says-** :O

**Sexy Techie says-** You brought up his lack of feet? You NEVER do that!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** You know how sensitive he is about that!

**BIG C, INNIT says-** BUT SHE HASN'T!

**Jackie Chan says-** That's not the point!

**BIC C,INNIT says-** ANYWAYZ, she got all huffy so I woz lyk "Wot's the point of fashion anyway!"

**Sexy Techie says-** WEEVIL!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Are you DETERMINED to die?

**BIG C, INNIT says-** She slapped me with her plunger!

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Ooooh, sounds like something off Jeremy Kyle. "She slapped me with her plunger!" Next it'll be "She exterminated my mother in law!"

**Jackie Chan says-** Not helping.

**Here come the drums says-** I don't help, it's against my nature.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I still don't believe you told Caan there was no point in fashion.

**I love sex says- ** No wonder he's pissed.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** She's sending the whole bloody Dalek fleet after me!

**Here come the drums says-** Ahh, that would explain why all their ships are orbiting the earth!

**Sexy Techie says-** AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO MENTION THIS?

**Here come the drums says-** I was gonna ring... but then the girl were trying to pop bubbles and it was so cute I had to take a picture :D

**Sexy Techie says-** And what about after that?

**Here come the drums says-** I was making a sandwich

**Jackie Chan says-** With Chicken?

**Here come the drums says-** And bacon!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Omg, like the ones in M and S? I LOVE them!

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Guys! I'm about to be killed here!

**Jackie Chan says-** Sorry...

_**-Dalek Cynthia has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Cynthia says-** CORNELIUSSSSSSSS! : :

**BIG C, INNIT says-** I'm sorry babe! I'll take you out shoe shopping every day for a week!

**I love sex says-** That's it, keep sweet talking!

**Dalek Cynthia says- **Even Gucci?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Who's that?

**I love sex says-** anddd he killed it.

**Dalek Cynthia says-** WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN WHO IS GUCCI? : : :

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'm sorry babez! Ya kno I'm no good with fashion! Dat's why I need your stunning style!

**Sexy Techie says-** Nice save!

**Dalek Cynthia says-** No Cornelius. It's too late. When we met, I thought you were different. Your baggy tracksuit bottoms were totally eighties retro and your gold chains were the most vintage I've ever seen. But now? You disgust me.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Please babez, I can get a personal shopper!

**Here come the drums says-** ...Is anyone else slightly freaked out by all of this?

**Sexy Techie says-** shhh!

**Dalek Cynthia says-** I'm sorry, but your taste is unfixable. You truly are... a chav.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** No love, don't say something you'll regret!

**Dalek Cynthia says-** It's over.

_**-Dalek has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Cynthia says-** What now Derek? I'm sorry but I _really_ don't have the patience to deal with you right now.

**Dalek says-** I had a brief affair, and yet I still found myself wishing to be with you! An item of clothing is considered vintage if it dates back from 1920 to 1960. Anything after this date is considered retro! Women between thirty and forty should never wear overalls, they make you look frumpy! The best eyeliner result will come from a point liner brush!

**Dalek Cynthia says-** :O You learnt all of that... for me?

**Dalek says-** Yes! I need you like every woman needs a clutch bag!

**Dalek Cynthia says-** Oh derek!

**Dalek says-** Oh Cynthia!

_**-Dalek has left the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek Cynthia has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ..

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...well that was disturbing.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** awwww man! I lost ma lady! :(

**Sexy Techie says-** It's okay Big C.

**I love sex says-** One day you'll find an alien that loves gangsta style.

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** awwwww man :(

_** -Lord Of The Pies has entered the conversation-**_

**Lord Of The Pies says-** My day's been shit.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** My day's worse. I lost ma lady.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** My man ran off with a transsexual.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** That's tough man.

**Lord Of the Pies says-** Wasn't your ex a tran- never mind. ...you like pie?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...yeah, pies cool.

**Lord Of The Pies says-** ...wanna date?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...yeah, what the hell.

_A/N: And... end. :) Much Love xxx_


	35. The TALK

_A/N: Here we have chapter thirty five! :D Don't ask me where this chapter idea came from, because I'm not even too sure myself. DON'T READ if you don't know the facts of life ;D xxx_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Oh. It's you again.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Nice to see you too. Anyways, I'm not here to talk to you, I need to talk to the Doctor.

**Here come the drums says-** Why? What for?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Well, if you must know, I need to ask him where he went to grow your babies. Me and Rhys want one.

**Here come the drums says- **Wait...what? What do you mean _grow_ one?

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **You know, grow a baby.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I'm sorry, I couldn't help but see... you want to grow a baby?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah, you know, grow a baby. My mum told me when I was younger when I asked her how babies are made. You take the man and the woman's sparkle dust and put them together to make an ultimate burst of sparkle dust, then put it in a tube. The sparkle dust then turns into a baby after nine months. God Ianto, you clearly haven't had the talk!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **...

**Here come the drums says- **Gwen... why do you think most people get bigger when they have a baby?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** My mum told me that as well. The woman uses up so much energy getting the sparkle dust that she gets tired and doesn't have time to exercise, so she gets bigger!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...O.o

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversastion-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** I'm sorry, but we just had to butt in. I don't believe you don't know the facts of life Gwen!

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh don't bully her Owen!

**Jackie Chan says-** Oh come on Tosh, how can you get to her age and not know about reproduction?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Can you not read? I know the facts!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** yeah...

**Jackie Chan says-** Well, I'm not having a member of my staff this un educated. Someone's gonna have to to tell her.

**Here come the drums says-** ...I vote the doctor.

**Sexy Techie says-** Seconded.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Thirded.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** What?

**Jackie Chan says-** Well, you are the two oldest out of all of us... plus if the Master does it he'll tell her babies are sent down to earth by flying unicorns or something equally ridiculous

**Here come the drums says-** :D

**I love sex says-** Have fun!

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Guyysss! Wait! come backkkkkkk!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Well then? What is it I missed?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Um... well... it's... ok, let's look at it like this. What do you think happens when you and Rhys... you know?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** When we kiss?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Er... no.. the other thing

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **cook?

**Timey WImey Lord says-** no.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Watch TV?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No.

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **Knit?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No! Wait... Rhys knits?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah, it's our bonding activity :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh for gods sakes, WHEN YOU HAVE SEX GWEN!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Ooooohhh... Well... we do it. And that's it.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Okay.. well when you...do it... you receive a... um... bit of Rhys which goes inside you and helps make a baby in you stomach

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What? That's not true, don't try and trick me!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Okay, let's try it a different way... There's a princess called... egg.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Egg? That's a weird name. Can't she be cinderella?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No Gwen, she can't

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** whhhyyy?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Because she likes her name

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** whhhyyyyy?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Because she does

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** whhhyyy?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** BECAUSE SHE DOES, OKAY?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...okay.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** So one day, she falls in love with a man... called... sper...sperdan

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** That's a weird name...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Yes, did I not mention? They live in weird name land.

**Gwen is teh awesome says**-Ohhh, well that makes sense!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** So, they love eachother so much that they... combine.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** oooh! with magic?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...yes Gwen. With magic. And they combine and create... a baby!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Ohhh! So where do they combine?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...Inside of you.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** WHAT THE HELL?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Okay Gwen, calm down...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I HAVE A WHOLE LAND INSIDE MY STOMACHE AND YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN? WHAT IF THEY TRY AND TAKE OVER MY BODY!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** They kinda do, during pregnancy you get larger coz the baby is growing-

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** they're gonna make me FAT? THAT'S IT, I'M CUTTING THEM OUT!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No, wait, Gwen stop! *Sighs* ok, let's try this again...

_**THREE AND A HALF HOUR LATER.**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** oooooohhhh, I get it now! :D

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has enteered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** So Gwen, you learnt everything you need to know?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah! :D The Doctor told me everything! When you want a baby you blow a special whistle and a fairy elephant comes and posts your baby through the letter box! :D

**I love sex says-** ...

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I was weak Okay? I was WEAK.

_A/N: Sorry if I left any of you traumatised xD Review as always, much love xxxx_


	36. It's funny who you can meet on the web

_A/N: I don't even know where this came from. But then again... I never do. My brain scares me sometimes. xxx_

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Hey! :) wuu2?

**Here come the drums says-** Getting my heart rate back to normal

**Sexy Techie says-** What? why?

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Coz we were by the duck pond with the girls in the buggie feeding the ducks... and I got Allie-Rose out of the buggie, and she reached out to grab the handles of the buggie...

**Here come the drums says-** And pushed the buggie into the duck pond.

**Sexy Techie says-** :O omfg! Are they all okay?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Yeah, thank god. The water wasn't deep so the buggie just kinda floated and Ellie and Mollie just sat there laughing trying to grab the ducks o.O

**Sexy Techie says-** If I haven't said it before, I'll say it again. I LOVE your children.

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Sup Earthlings!

**I love sex says-** Anyone else really, _really_ bored?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I think we all are, actually

**Here come the drums says-** I'm not :D

**Jackie Chan says-** Why, what are you doing?

**Here come the drums says- **Well I'm talking to this dude-

_** Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Wait... why'd they go? :(

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** After the banana obsessed ninja you introduced last week? None of us want to meet any of your internet friends.

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has left the coversation- **_

**Here come the drums says-** ohhhhh :(

**HartBreaker says-** It's okay mate, we'll stick around, won't we Donna?

**Am I Bovered says-** Yeah! That ninja was epic...

**Here come the drums says-** Anyway, as I was saying before they left, he's a bit weird...

**HartBreaker says-** In what way?

**Here come the drums says-** Well, he _says_ he's a vampire...

**Am I Bovered says-** Awesome! Never met one before

**Here come the drums says-** But he doesn't drink human blood...

**HartBreaker says-** He's a bit of a fail as a vampire then.

**Here come the drums says-** And he sparkles...

**Am I Bovered says-** WTF?

_(A/N: I think we all know what's coming next ;D )_

_**-Dancing Queen has entered the conversation-**_

**Dancing Queen says-** Hey guys! I'm edward :)

**Am I Bovered says-** Edward... Cullen?

**Dancing Queen says-** Yeah! How did you know? ...ah, I know, you read my blog didn't you!

**HartBreaker says-** ...I swear you aren't real...

**Dancing Queen says-** Well here I am!

**Here come the drums says-** I just realised... what's up with the name?

**Dancing Queen says-** Well, because I sparkle in the sun and everything, people think I'm girly, which is _not_ true. And that makes me sad. So I needed a way to vent my frustration, so I took up Ballet!

**HartBreaker says-** You wanted to feel masculine again... so you learnt Ballet?

**Dancing Queen says-** You betcha! Grade 3 already baby! But Bella doesn't like it, she says it's embarassing...

**Here come the drums says-** I wonder why...

_**-James has entered the conversation-**_

**James says-** You Eddie!

**Dancing Queen says-** I told you already James, _don't_ call me that!

**Am I Bovered says-** Oh I know you! You're the evil vampire dude!

**James says-** Yep. The name's James ;)

**Dancing Queen says- **Seriously James, no one thinks you're hot.

**HartBreaker says-** At least he stlll has his masculinity

**Am I Bovered says-** And a decent hair cut

**Dancing Queen says-** HEY!

**James says-** Well, it's been fun. Catch you later, Eddy-kins

_**-James has left the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Haha! _Eddy-Kins!_

**Dancing Queen says-** Well at least I'm not _ginger_

**Here come the drums says-** ouch! He shouldn't of said that...

**Am I Bovered says-** What... did you...just say?

**Dancing Queen says-** I said you're an ugly ginger. And you know what the worst part is? It's not even _stylish_

**HartBreaker says-** :O

**Am I Bovered says-** ...

**Dancing Queen says-** Yeah! that's right! You just got told!

**Am I Bovered says-** ...Am I Bovvered?

**Dancing Queen says-** wait...what?

**Here come the drums says-** Oh god, here we go...

**Am I Bovered says-** I said.. am I bovvered?

**Dancing Queen says-** well yes, you should-

**Am I Bovered says-** Am I bovvered though?

**Dancing Queen says-** well-

**Am I Bovered says- ** Am I bovvered though?

**Dancing Queen says-** But-

**Am I Bovered says-** Does this face look bothered?

**Dancing Queen says-** No but-

**Am I Bovered says-** look at my face!

**Dancing Queen says-** b-

**Am I Bovered says-** Look at my face!

**Dancing Queen says-** what the hel-

**Am I Bovered says-** look at my face! look at my face!

**Dancing Queen says- **this doesn't even make sens-

**Am I Bovered says-** Are you disrespecting me? Are you disrespecting my family?

**Dancing Queen says-** What? I never even said-

**Am I Bovered says-** are you calling my mum a pikey?

**Dancing Queen says-** th-

**Am I Bovered says- **are you calling my father a chav?

**Dancing Queen says-** I NEVER-

**Am I Bovered says-** Does my face look bovvered though? Does my face looked bovvered? Dancing, James, "I can sparkle! I can sparkle!"

**Dancing Queen says-** What? Stop taking the mick-

**Am I Bovered says-** Ginger, ginger, ballet, first position, first position, bella, bella doesn't like it, I have a crush on James

**Dancing Queen says-** What? I do NOT have a crush on-

**Am I Bovered says-** Dancing, masculine, "you are my life now" my girl ran off with a werewolf, ballet, "I can read your mind, I can read your mind" I. ain't. BOVVERED!

**Here come the drums says-** ...

**HartBreaker says-... **wow.

**Dancing Queen says-** ... WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :'(

_**-Dancing Queen has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...well that was harsh.

**Am I Bovered says-** ...Bet Bella ain't bovvered either.

_A/N: If you haven't read twilight, read it now :P Much love xxx_


	37. This is why you NEVER go on ebay

_A/N: 303 REVIEWS! I love you guys :') I'm just going to quickly use this moment to mention I have two new one shots, "I remember you, Ianto Jones" and "Old Friends" I recommend you read I remember you Ianto Jones first. Okay, moment of promotion over :D xx_

_**-BIG C, INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversatin-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** YOOOO! Oh thank god you guys are here, I need help

**Sexy Techie says-** ...Right, I'm off.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** what? :(

**Jones, Ianto Jones says -** remember last time you said you needed our help on here?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** no?...

**Jackie Chan says-** We ended up being witnesses to your break up with your transsexual dalek girlfriend!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Ah... sorry bout dat guys. This time it's a... wait... she was transsexual?

**I love sex says- **-facepalms-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Anywayz dis tym it's way more serious... I'm in trubble with da bank, innit. I'm in oodles 'a debt, ya get me?

**Jackie Chan says-** I swear you still had loads left over from your album?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah, I had loads, but den I went on ebay...

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Did I hear ebay? oooh, you wanna stay away from that site. I don't like the Master going on it either, last time he did he bought 5637 wind-up frogs

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** I put them in Martha's bed :D hee hee

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I went a little...over board on my purchases...

**i love sex says-** Okay, lets here it, what did you buy?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** fifty four pairs of thermal underwear, two litres of petrol

**Sexy Techie says-** But you don't even have a bloody car!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** six elastic bands, two rocks from Mt Everest

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ROCKS?

**Here come the drums says-** From MT EVEREST Ianto, from MT EVEREST :P

**BIG C,INNIT says-** four toilets, two thousand and fifty sx snails

**I love sex says-** SNAILS?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I called them all Bucky :D Four sets of soap, a pot of used vasaline

**Sexy Techie says-** ewwww!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** a broken laptop, a sports car, a cruise ship

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** YOU BOUGHT A BLOODY CRUISE SHIP?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** a model submarine, some buritos,

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** wtf?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** My own personal scuba diver instructor,

**Jackie Chan says-** Can you even sell them on ebay?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** A stuffed walrus, a crystal duck for my mantlepiece

**Here come the drums says-** oh. My GOD.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** And 200 cds of ABBA's greatest hits.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** But you hate ABBA!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I know riighhtt! Silly losers, dey tink day can sing!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...I will never understand you.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I hate ABBA as well. Their songs are so annoying.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Really?

**Here come the drums says-** huh.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh no. Don't either of you even think about-

**I love sex says-** I'm leaving before I get injured

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **... YOU ARE THE DANCING QUUUEEEN!

**Here come the drums says-** YOUNG AND SWEET ONNNLLYY SEVENTEEENN!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** stop it!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** DANCINNNGGG QUUUEEENNN!

**Here come the drums says-** FEELLL THHEEE BBEEAATTT OFFF THE TAMMMBOORRINNE OH YEAHHHH!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Stop it! You know I hate that song!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Seriously, stop it!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** SONG CHANGE!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Don't even THINK about singing-

**Here come the drums says-** I'VE BEEN CHEATED BY YOU, SINCE I DON'T KNOW WHEN

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** SO I MADE UP MY MIND, IT MUST COME TO AN END

**Here come the drum says-** LOOK AT ME NOOWWWW, WILL I EVER LEARN, I DON'T KNOW HHOOWWW

**BIG C,INNIT says-** gahh, stop it!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** BUT III SUDDENNLLLYYY LOOOSEEE COOONNNTTRROOOOLLL!

**Here come the drums says-** THERE'S A FIRE WITHIN MY SOULLL! JUST ONE LOOOKK AND I CAN HERE A BELL RINNGGF

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ONNE MOOREE LOOKK ANDDD I FORGETT EVERYTHIINNGGGG

**Here come the drums says-** OHHH, OHHH OHHH OHHH

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** DON'T YOU BLOODY DAR-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** MAMMA MIA!

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG,C INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ahhh, that was fun :')

**Here come the drums says-** Do you even like ABBA?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** nope. You?

**Here come the drums says-** God no! Ahh, funny times :')

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** good...I'm alone...

**BIG C, INNIT says-** ...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ... Mamma mia, here I go again My my, how can I resist you? Mamma mia, does it show again? My my, just how much I've missed you Yes, I've been brokenhearted Blue since the day we parted Why, why did I ever let you go? Mamma mia, now I really know, My my, I could never let you GOOOOO!

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Big C...what are you doing...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Ermmm nuthing. Not singing ABBA or anything, coz dey suck, innit. I like _rap!_ Brap brap...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Sure Weevil, sure...

_A/N: No offence to anyone who likes ABBA xD review as always, much love xxx_


	38. The End?

_**"I love sex says- SNAILS? BIG C,INNIT says- I called them all Bucky :D" You see this quote right here? This quote is going down in history. This quote will be used at all possible times in History lessons. This quote will be on A  
T SHIRT. This quote is serious beans. **__**Sliceless.**__**" **__You, my friend, are one very, VERY awesome child. And now, for chapter thirty eight! But will it be the last?xx_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Heyy guuyysss!1

**Sexy Techie says-** Hey!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Jack, what are you still doing here? You've meant to have left already for that meeting in America!

**Jackie Chan says-** I know, but I was all ready to leave when I got a phone call saying that I wasn't to come and Mr Octagon was going to come and meet us here?

**I love sex says-** Does that mean I have to-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yes Owen, you have to clean up.

**I love sex says-** awww man :(

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Okay guys, what's going on, we all have things to do.

**Sexy Techie says- **...?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** we all got an email sayin we had to come online now to talk to a Mr Octagon, innit

**Jackie Chan says-** He said he was coming over to the hub to meet us?...

**Here come the drums says-** Well, it says here he wants to see us all on msn now to discuss a very important issue?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Gwen, did you annoy the Prime Minister again?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** He liked my sparkle stickers last time! :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Well he'll be here any minute now, so we'll find out soon enough...

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Hello torchwood team, friends, and aliens. As you all know, I called you here to discuss an issue that I feel needs to be sorted. Don't worry, it's easily fixed! Now, before I begin, does anyone have any questions?

**Here come the drums says-** ...is your name really Mr Octagon?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh god, please don't start...

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes...why?

**Here come the drums says-** Isn't that a shape?

**Mr Octagon says-** No, it's pronounced Ok-tag-ew-n

**Here come the drums says-** ...What's your first name... triangle?

**Mr Octagon says-** No, Peter!

**Here come the drums says-** And do you have a middle name?

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes, Oliver!

**Here come the drums says-** So your name is Peter Oliver Octagon? Hahaha! P...O...

**Jackie Chan says-** OKAY, let's ignore him. What did you need sir?

**Mr Octagon says-** well... I am co head of Windows MSN, and It's come to my attention that things have been said that... shouldn't be displayed on this site from your group

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Was it the whole "THE TALK" thing? Because I swear, I was forced into that

**Am I Bovered says-** Aw come on Mr O, surely it's not a crime to have a laugh over MSN?

**Mr Octagon says-** Well Miss.. I'll have you know that the lot of you have already broken ten rules regarding MSN already!

**I love sex says-** o.O

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Lyk wot?

**Mr Octagon says-** 1) Giving potentially dangerous aliens access to MSN

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Look, I know he can't rap to save his life and he's a bit of a loser, but he would never hurt anyone!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah! The Doctor's alright!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ... -.-

**Mr Octagon says-** 2) hiding criminal information

**I love sex says-** What criminal- ohhh, the cat in the bin thing! Yeah, sorry about that...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** THAT WAS YOU?

**Mr Octagon says-** 3) Certain members of your team tried to hack into the MSN network...

**Jackie Chan says-** ,,,

**Sexy Techie says-** I was curious okay?

**Mr Octagon says-** 4) Once the MSN network was hacked into Miss Noble and Mr Jones hacked into my account and changed my personal message to _"I'm fucking my mum, brb"_

**I love sex says-** guys!

**Am I Bovered says-** ..

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...well you have to admit, it WAS a right laugh...

**Mr Octagon says-** Oh don't go thinking you're all sweet and innocent Mr Harper, 5) Mr Harper then changed my MOTHER's personal message to _"Off to fondle my goldfish"_

**I love sex says-** ...oops.

**Mr Octagon says- ** number 6) Your group often used very _crude_ language, such as "Fu**ing" "S**t bag" and on one occasion, "I want to throw my fu**ing spleen at you, you stupid mother fu**er"

**Here come the drums says-** Now I don't know about you, but that was my BEST cuss yet :D

**Mr Octagon says-** Mr... um... "Big C" invited a Dalek to come "Hang in his base", plus his talking on MSN caused the Daleks to almost invade the earth once again which brings us up to 9...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I can't help it man, she wise FINE...

**Mr Octagon says-** You all decided it was okay to freely talk about a male pregnancy... what if a member of the public had seen?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** We'd of...invited them to the baby shower?...

**Mr Octagon says- **And finally, and possibly the WORST of all... Mr Jones, Mr Saxon and Mr Smith ALL made rude comments about ABBA. They're one of the most well known bands in the world- How can you not like them?

**Am I Bovered says-** so...what are you gonna do?

**Mr Octagon says-** I'm closing down your accounts, you all have thirty minutes to say goodbye.

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** welll...BYE,

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I don't believe it... this is it...

**Jackie Chan says-** I know! :(

**I love sex says-** All the fun times...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'm gonna miss u dudes... you were ma bruvers, innit...

**Am I Bovered says-** I just don't believe it's all over...

**Sexy Techie says-** I guess this is it :'(

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Tanks 4 makin ma dayz gd guyz...

**I love sex says-** I'll miss you all...

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says- **OH FOR GOD'S SAKES! YOU'RE ALL BLOODY SITTING NEXT TO EACHOTHER!

_** -Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...she'd never understand.

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **...bye guys :'(

**Sexy Techie says-** goodbye everyone...

**Jackie Chan says-** Goodbye Torchwood MSN...

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

_A/N: End or carry on? I really don't know :/ Review and let me know :) xxx_


	39. Back in action!

_A/N: I know that all good things come to an end and I figured that I'd end it there... but then I recieved your reviews... cried a bit... and got typing. Thanks guys, without you, this fic wouldn't be what it is. Plus, I'd of really missed writing it. Thanks guys :') Especially two very special people. They know who they are :)_

_And on a completely different note- The guest in this talks a bit like the dude out of the snickers advert. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out on youtube :) xxx_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** How long have we got?

**Jackie Chan says-** ten minutes

**Sexy Techie says-** It's not enough :(

**I love sex says-** There's gotta be something we can do!

**HartBreaker says-** Yeah, maybe there is, but in ten minutes?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Can't we all just make different accounts?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I tried dat, innit. Dey blocked it, it just kept directing me to a pic of a llama.

**Here come the drums says-** Right, that's it, I'm gonna sort this out once and for all

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** What's he gonna do?...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Well I've hidden the explosives, the guns and packed us and the kid's bags to escape in case UNIT get involved and hunt us down.

**Jackie Chan says-** Really? Come on, what's the worst he can do?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Trust me, you DON'T want to know...

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Right, your thirty minutes is up. I'm shutting you down.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** WAIT! YOU CAN'T!

**Jackie Chan says-** We've had so many fun times!

**HartBreaker says-** And all of the memories... :(

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** And dat time we-

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has been blocked-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** IANTO!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What? It's not like anyone cared about her opinion anyway...

**Am I Bovered says-** And we've made so many friends...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah, lyk me! I used to be a propa loser, look at me now! I have me own fan club!

**Jackie Chan says-** You can't shut us down.. it means so much to everyone... :(

**I love sex says-** Well?

**Mr Octagon says-** ...What?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** This is da part in da movies when ur meant 2 say u have changed your mind and we all hold hands and sing songs...

**Mr Octagon says-** Why on earth would I do that? You're all so..._friendly_ to eachother. It sickens me. And now, say goodbye to TORCHWOOD MSN!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** !

**Am I Bovered says-** dude... wth?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I woz just tryin a be all dramatic... lyk da movies... never mind.

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here Come The Drums says-** Wait! You can't shut us down!

**Mr Octagon says-** Why not? I believe I have the power to do so, Mr Saxon

**Here come the drums says-** But don't you see? You DON'T have the power. Because there's someone who has far more power then ANY of us. the ONE person we've never thought of to call. The ONE person who's been there through it all, and they're VERY angry... Mr Octagon? Say hello to our final guest...

_**-TARDIS has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** :O

**Mr Octagon says-** But... how?

**Jackie Chan says-** this is impos-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FORTUNAAAAAAAAAAAAA! VELLLLLUT LUNNNNNAAA! STAAAAATU VARIABILISSSSS!

**Am I Bovered says-** ...seriously? wtf?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Sorry... the moment was really dramatic so I just thought- never mind.

**TARDIS says-** WHICH ONE OF YOU FOOLS IS MR O?

**Mr Octagon says-** Well..actually it's Mr Octagon... it's pronounced Ok-tag-ew-n-

**TARDIS says-** DO I LIKE I GAVE A DAMN, FOOL? WITH ME? YOU'RE MR O. CLEAR?

**Mr Octagon says-** Well...I just thought that...

**I love sex says-** Master? This is your best plan...EVER.

**TARDIS says-** SO WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU TRYING TO CLOSE DOWN MY GUY'S MSN?

**Mr Octagon says-** Well you see they've been-

**TARDIS says-** DO I CARE MAN?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Yep. DEFINATELY. your best plan ever.

**TARDIS says-** NOW LISTEN HERE FOOL, YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE THEM ALONE, AND IF YOU DON'T I'LL FIGHT YOU LIKE A MAN! YOU WANT ME TO BREAK YOUR JACKER? HUH? HUH?

**Mr Octagon says-** But it's ARMANI!

**TARDIS says-** Oh, well you can... POST IT BACK TO ARMANI IN TINY LITTLE PIECES!

**Mr Octagon says-** but...

**TARDIS says-** NOW LISTEN HERE MR O, YOU BETTER BACK OFF, OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU'LL FLY TO CHINA

**Am I Bovered says-** Master? I've never loved you more then I do now.

**Mr Octagon says-** I'm sorry si...wait... what the hell am I doing? I'm not afraid of some wooden box!

**TARDIS says-** Oh so you're not huh? Well let's see if you can handle this- AGENTS DUCKY, BLANKET AND BOTTLE, GET IN HERE!

_**-Triplets have entered into the conversation-**_

**Triplets says-** ;dds orders?

**HartBreaker says-** ...omfg.

**TARDIS says-** ...BREAK HIM.

**Mr Octagon says-** wait.. what? no-

**Triplets says-** RLEKTJ4,KSFKD _SMELLY_! 9ER9DIEJRHBFDIKLJDFKCM BREAK YOUR TIE! ESFIDJDERODFKLF _GIVE_ WEFRIFDREKJRLFKL _MSN _ESOIEJWHFDIEJKSD _BACK_ ERDUFEJRDFOCKLDRDFL _OR_ ESFDDIJFK;OCVPL _WE_ WEORIDFJRERFDOKL WILL WEFLDHINKEFJROFDLC _KILL _EFDJKESFDLK, _YOU!_

**Mr Octagon says-** Okay okay ladies, let's not get to _hasty!_

**Triplets says-** EJFRFLKREROFDLK NOW! PERDFJINDXPXC;L NOW! OIWEISJEDKD NOOWWWW!

**Mr Octagon says-** Oh COME ON, you can't expect me to... wait... where's my watch gone?

**TARDIS says-** I HAVE IT FOOL! ARE YOU A GIRL OR WHAT? NOW LISTEN HERE, YOU BETTER DROP DA CHARGES OR THIS WATCH IS GOING TO...

**Mr Octagon says-** Please... don't say it...

**TARDIS says-** ..BE DONATED TO CHARITY!

**Mr Octagon says-** NNNOOO! POOR PEOPLE! EWWW!

**Triplets says-** DECIDE! EDRLWESFD;LLD;S NOW!

**Mr Octagon says-**...OKAY, FINE!

**TARDIS says-** AND YOU BETTA NOT TRY IT AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME SUCKA?

**Mr Octagon says-** yyyess... sssiir...

**TARDIS says-** good! NOW MARCH!

**Triplets says-** ewlkdfleksd yeah! er0fdooerdpfled MARCH!

_**-TARDIS has left the conversation-**_

_**-Triplets have left the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** ...

**I love sex says-** ...

**Jackie Chan says-** ..

**BIG C,INNIT says- **...OMFG !

**Here come the drums says-** Thank god, it's over!

**Sexy Techie says-** Is it really all over?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I hope! Something tells me we won't be seeing Mr Octagon for a VERY long time...

**HartBreaker says-** I just can't believe we were THAT close to losing it all... I'd of missed it so much...

_** -Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** YAY, WE CAN STILL TALK! LET'S ALL SING! :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...you guys with me?

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...guys? ...guyss? Oh no worries, I'm sure there internet was faulty or something. They'll be back.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Any minute...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Any minute now...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** oh... :( We're all in this, together...

_**-TARDIS has entered the conversation-**_

**TARDIS says-** NO ONE LIKES YOU SUCKA!

_A/N: Thanks you guys. For anyone who's ever reviewed, faved, or read. Torchwod MSN is back :D xxx_


	40. Sometimes Bad guys aren't all that bad

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews guys :D Obviously, not every single one of my guests are from the torchwood/doctor who so if there are any fictional characters or people you'd like to see let me know :D xxx_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Hey Doctor! How're you?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Hey Tosh, and I'm not very good :(

**Sexy Techie says-** aww :( Why not?

**Timey Timey Lord says-** Because the Master's depressed :(

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I'm sorry, did you just say dad's depressed?

**Jackie Chan says-** Get the hell out of there dude, before he throws a plate at your head or something!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Seriously guys, he's been moody all morning, and he justs snaps when I ask him what's wrong!

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** I'm not telling you because You'll laugh at me!

**Sexy Techie says-** No of course we won't! Come on, tell us! :)

**Here come the drums says- **Okay, fine... I miss it.

**Jackie Chan says-** You miss what?

**Here come the drums says-** Killing people.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...o.O

**Here come the drums says-** I miss being the bad guy! It was so much fun making all those evil plans and laughing at all the idiotic stupid people as they died! I know I have great kids and a great partner but my evilness is slowly leaving and it makes me sad :(

**Jackie Chan says-** Your evilness isn't leaving!

**Here come the drums says-** Yesterday I saved us all from being shut down. I SAVED us. I'm meant to be evil! wtf was that all about! And I actually held the door open for Martha this morning rather then smashing it against her nose like I usually would!

**Sexy Techie says-** Really? Huh. That does sound very unlike you...

**Here come the drums says-** You see what I mean?

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says- ** Suppp ma homies!

**I love sex says-** Me and my good friend Big C couldn't help but hear your predicement, and we think we have something that can help you out!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** You see, ma m8 Barry didn't feel like a proper weevil no more, so me and da guys showed him two weevils dat weren't as good as 'im, and he felt wayyy betta! :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Well.. it's worth a try I suppose...

**I love sex says-** You up for it?

**Here come the drums says-** It can't hurt I spose...

**Sexy Techie says-** I sense this is going to go wrong...

**I love sex says-** Ok, our first contestant loves Killing, shaving his head and... erm...dreaming he had a proper nose? Anyways... here's.. VOLDEMORT!

_**-Voldemort has entered the conversatiion-**_

**Voldemort says-** Hello, foolish mudbloods.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...nice.

**I love sex says-** So...what's your best method of killing?

**Voldemort says-** It depends really... I either kill them on the spot with my wand or...

**Jackie Chan says-** Sounds like a nice way to be killed ;)

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **He means a magican's wand Jack.

**Jackie Chan says-** oh... Fancy attacking me with yours Ianto? ;)

**I love sex says-** O-KAY that's enough of that Jack...

**Voldemort says-** Or I slowly torture them until they are writhing in agony and screaming and begging for forgivness and then I pull out every single one of their fingernails and make them lick them then feed them to my snake and flush the snake's waste down the toilet were it is attacked by piranhas.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Okayyzzz den... what are your acheivements?

**Voldemort says-** I am the most feared person in the whole of the wizarding world, I have two awards for my win on the hit tv show "evil factor" and I was the one that blew up Benji. the world's happiest dog.

**Sexy Techie says-** THAT WAS YOU?

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **Now THAT... is just sick.

**Jackie Chan says-** Girlfriend?

**Voldemort says-** Well, I'm not quite sure.

**I love sex says-** What do you mean?

**Voldemort says-** Well... I asked Bellatrix out who told Alecto who was like "o.m.g" and then it got passed on to Dumbledore who I'd been sleeping with and he was all "Oh no you didn't" and I was all "Oh yes I d-id." so he blew up my lair so I posted his old socks through Granger's door who thought they were from Ron so she snogged him and then he was all, "I love you!" and Potter came in like "But I love you!" but he was sleeping with Snape so Snape got all pissy that he'd been dumped so he told Narcissa to tell LoveGood to tell Lucius to tell me that he wanted to break our best friend vows and I was all "no!". So then I killed a couple of people coz I was tense and all that and LongBottom was like "Luna said Harry said Parvati said Lavender said that Pettigrew fancied me" and then Bellatrix got all annoyed... so I dunno.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...o.O

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** o-kayyyy... one final question. What's your biggest dream?

**Voldemort says-** To rule the world and have my own company of fake noses, so people bullying me

**Jackie Chan says-** ...bye Voldemort!

_**-Voldemort has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Well... that was a bit weird... but it's only the first go. I'm sure the second is much better then me :(

_**-Darth Vader has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Here we have Darth Vader! He's tall, wears a lot of black and is described as "sick, twisted and wrong!" Hello sir, tell us a little bit about yourself

**Darth Vader says-** My name is Darth Vader, I'm evil. I've been told I have the personality of a dead fish. That's a lie.

**Sexy Techie says-** I bet it is... achievments?

**Darth Vader says-** I have thirty three jedi bodies in my living room that I killed in the world's fastest time of two minutes five seconds

**I love sex says-** ...Pleasant.

**Darth Vader says-** I killed my wife.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Bet he's not very popular on dating sites...

**Darth Vader says- **And I stabbed my next door neighbour in the armpit with a pencil when I was five.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** DAT WAS YOU? YOU LITTLE FUCK-

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay Big C, calm down...

**Sexy Techie says-** Would you rate yourself evil?

**Darth Vader says-** Pshh. is the sun green?

**Timey Wime Lord says-** Um... no, it's not actuallly...

**Darth Vader says-** oh. My bad. I am as evil as they get. I kill Jedi, wipe out planets, and mess up my room mate's laundry by putting a red top with the whites.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Wow. You really are evil aren't you.

**Darth Vader says-** And I am chairman of the "We Hate Dolphins" Club

**Sexy Techie says-** You hate Dolphins? You disgust me.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Dream? You little pencil poking dolphin hating dude?

**Darth Vader says-** To win the invasion and FINALLY get together with Ben Kenobi. I love him like I love Pot Noodle.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...okay, we're cutting this interview short.

**Darth Vader says-** Why?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Because you have the personality of road kill.

_**-Darth Vader has been blocked-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ..wow, it says here he can swallow three toilets in one go!

**I love sex says-** Big C.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...sorry.

**Here come the drums says-** You know what? I do feel more evil. I'm way better then the both of those guys!

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **Well thank god for that! :D

**Sexy Techie says-** Yeah! I mean, you're the deadliest baddie I've ever met!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeah!

**Here come the drums says-** Thanks guys! I feel eviller already! I'm gonna go mess up the Doctor's action figures!

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Ahh, I love him :') wait... what's he going to do to my limited edition Action men?

_A/N: Review as always, much love :) xxx_


	41. Stupid Fattie

_A/N: Because I was bored. xx_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm bored.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I'm super bored.

**Sexy Techie says-** I'm super super bored.

**I love sex says-** I'm so bored that I could flick a pencil in the air to relieve myself of my boredness and it could fly out of my hand and hit John in the foot and then he yells and we use it as an excuse for make up sex.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...

**I love sex says-** What? It happened once.

**Sexy Techie says-** There's nothing to doooo!

**Jackie Chan says-** You know what we should do? Bully Gwen.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I tried that, she's not here. Something about going out with friends to watch the latest barbie princess movie?

**I love sex says-** my cousin refused to watch it, it's too babyish for her. She's four.

**Sexy Techie says- **I don't know what surprises me more, the fact she actually has friends or the fact that her seeing the barbie princess movie doesn't shock me at all.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** You know what could potentially be even more funny then bullying Gwen?... bullying her boyfriend!

**Sexy Techie says-** Genius! But bully him about what?

**Jackie Chan says-** Have you not seen the man? He's fat, stupid and has the personality of a spoon, I'm sure we can find something!

**I love sex says-** Right, he's coming in. I've told him that we're interviewing him for a place in torchwood xD

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** Hello all!

**Sexy Techie says-** Why hello fattie!

**Rhys says-** Fattie? :(

**Jackie Chan says-** Yep. We always call eachother nicknames. So yours is fattie :D

**Rhys says-** Oh, okay then! So long as you're not making fun of me or anything! :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I can see why you and Gwen got on.

**Rhys says-** What's Gwen's nickname?

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** It's "doofus."

**Here come the drums says-** Call her it in the bedroom, she'll love it ;D

**Rhys says- **Okay, will do!

**I love sex says-** ...

**Sexy Techie says-** So Rhys... Tell us a bit about yourself

**Rhys says-** Well, my name's Rhys, as you all know... Um... I'm dating gwen, my favourite colour is brown-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeah yeah yeah, we want the more interesting stuff. What do other people think of you?

**Rhys says- **Well, I've been described as a handsome male with wonderful eyes and a great smile

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** By people other then Gwen, Rhys.

**Rhys says-** oh :(

**Here come the drums says-** Wow. I'm shocked.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What, that Gwen finds Rhys attractive?

**Here Come The Drums says-** no, that Gwen can actually _pronounce _wonderful

**Jackie Chan says- **Any random facts about yourself?

**Rhys says-** I'm a size one in shoes?

**Sexy Techie says-** Your a size one?

**Rhys says-** Yeah...why?

**Sexy Techie says-** Well your just so... .f-

**Rhys says-** Fit? Yeah, I get that from the ladies a lot ;)

**Sexy Techie says-** ...I think I just threw up inside my mouth.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Okay, the final part is you need to say the...new member speech.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I've sent it to you're email :D

**Rhys says-** Are you sure this is it?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** oh yeah...

**I love sex says- **We've erm...all said it...

**Rhys says-** well okay... "I, Rhys Williams promise to always pick my nose in public. I promise to use my ducky blanket and pillow every single night until I die, and I hope that one day I will finally be able to get the surgery I need to cure me of my constant wedgie. I promise that one day I will grow a brain and me and my crap partner will move to Russia where we will live for the rest of our days in a toilet cubicle. I promise to loose some weight and to always moonie at the queen.

**Sexy Techie says-** ... *sniggers*

**Rhys says-** So... what's my job? :D

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ..quick Ianto, think of something...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** you...Rhys Williams are... THE CHIEF DETECTOR OF CARDIFF!

**Rhys says-** :O what's that?

**I love sex says-** Yeah Ianto...what is that?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** You're job is to carry on doing your day job, secretly noting down anything that looks dodgey and giving the list to us every three years! It's a VERY important job... but if you don't think you can handle it..

**Rhys says-** No, of course I can handle it!

**Sexy Techie says-** Go Rhys Williams! Go out into the street and do your duty for the people of Cardiff!

**Rhys says-** Okay...bosses! :D

_**-Rhys has left the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Bless his tubby little soul.

**Sexy Techie says-** Poor sod thinks he's a torchwood member!

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay guys, that's it... NO MORE messing around with people...

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Hey guys, I heard you were doing employee try outs? Can I have a go?

**I love sex says-** Nahh mate, it was just a jo-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...sure you can big C!

**Here come the drums says- **Have you said the torchwood Oath?

**Sexy Techie says-** You lot... are pure evil.

**Jackie Chan says-** :D

_A/N: I know it was short... but in the next chapter? Big C becomes a REAL member of torchwood ;) Any ideas for his job? Also, I've posted a fic called "Remind me why I let you live again?" Which is going to be a series of oneshots of what would happen if the Master had travelled with the Doctor after the year that never was :D Check it out :D Much love xxx_


	42. Welcome Aboard!

_A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewsed "remind me why I didn't kill you again" :) This chapter is dedicated to our favourite weevil. Big C was actually meant to be killed off in chapter 22, he was never meant to last this long, but I love him too much to let him go :') So "Birth!" was chapter twenty two instead. Big C truly does deserve his place on the torchwood team ;) xxx_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Oi, I have a bone to pick with you lot!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I had wordz wit Rhys, and it turns out dat me and him ain't actually members of torchwood!

**I love sex says-** Sorry Big C, it was a joke...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well it ain't funny :( I've always wanted to be a torchwood member :(

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Really?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah! I love all da adventure and stuff... I love you guyz!

**Jackie Chan says-** But I swear you were the weevil who tried to kill me ages before I knew you...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah, coz you stepped on ma gold chains, innit!

**Sexy Techie says-** I suppose we could give him a job...

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah, we need a hand weevil hunting!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** GWEN!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** weevil... hunting? what does she mean WEEVIL HUNTING?

**I love sex says-** Nothing, you know what Gwen's like, she's a bit funny in the head and-

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** We fight weevils and occasionally kill them and then bring them back to the hub to experiment on! :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** GWEN!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What? He asked...

**Jackie Chan says-** Gwen...leave.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** okayyy :(

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** YOU HUNT WEEVILS?

**I love sex says-** No mate, you don't understand! They come to the surface and cause trouble so we have to kick them back down again!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** And you kill them?

**Sexy Techie says-** Only when we need to :(

**BIG C,INNIT says-** And you bring them back and EXPERIMENT on them? Wait a minute... THAT'S WHAT WAS IN THE AUTOPSY BAY! Owen you told me it was a giant Brocolli!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ... (he actually _believed_ that?)

**I love sex says-** I'm sorry mate :(  
**BIG C,INNIT says- **Right, dat's it, You're killing ma bruvas! This friendship is officially OVER!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ... :(

**Sexy Techie says-** ohhh :(

**I love sex says-** Poor guy :( What do you reckon he's gonna do?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I think I already know...

**Jackie Chan says-** What do you mean?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Look outside...

**I love sex says-** Holy crap, they're EVERYWHERE!

**Sexy Techie says-** What are?

**I love sex says-** Weevils! They're all outside the hub with banners and pitchforks!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...omfg.

**Jackie Chan says-** We gotta move them! People are gonna get hurt!

**Sexy Techie says-** Maybe we could just tell everyone they're a travelling show or something... what do the banners say?

**I love sex says-** Well, one says "WeEvILlz DeZerVeE FreDdom 2, InNitT"

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Well I think I'm safe in guessing that's Big C's mother.

_**-Momma C has entered the conversation-**_

**Momma C says-** Wot have yous lot been sayin 2 my ducky?

**Jackie Chan says-** Erm... nothing... miss...?

**Momma C says- **Celia

**Jackie Chan says-** Miss Celia-

**Momma C says-** Did I say u could call me that?

**Jackie Chan says-** Well, no but you kinda implyed that I coul-

**Momma C says-** You'll call me Mrs C, you hear me young man?

**I love sex says-** ... well this is... awkward.

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It's cool ma, I can handle it, innit

**Momma C says-** Alright ducky, but you betta make em pay... peace.

_** Momma C has left the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Look, Big C, we're really...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Save it Harkness. I only came here to ask for my Rhino shaped rubber back.

**Sexy Techie says- **But... you gave it to us... as a sign of friendship...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well I want it back. Nd you can take ur stoopid Gorilla Pencil back as well.

**I love sex says-** :O

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Look, Big C, we never meant to hurt you...but it's our job to protect the people of Cardiff from danger, and those weevils... well... they're dangerous...

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Well I don't care. I've been a good guy for too long now! I'm off to go rip pages out of my library books

**Sexy Techie says-** :O!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I no. I IZ BADMAN.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Must shove grammar remarks to back of head, must shove grammar remarks to back of head...

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm so sorry Big C... what can we do to make it up to you?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I wanna join Torchwood. I want to be able to go out on raids and help the weevils that have lost their way in life, and turn them into model citizens... I wanna protect my family from death as well as protecting the people of Cardiff, so we can all live together peacefully as one, aliens and humans.

**Sexy Techie says-** Wow Big C, that was so deep.. :')

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...And I wanna drive the SUV every now and then! Coz dat thing is AWESOME! :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Way to ruin the moment dude.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** So... Am I in?

**Jackie Chan says- **yesssssss!

**I love sex says-** Good to have you aboard Big C :)

**TORCHWOOD MEMBERSHIP CARD**

**NAME-** CORNELIUS (AKA. _BIG C_)

**JOB-** OFFICIAL WEEVIL REHAB MANAGER

SUV RIDER

GENERALLY THERE TO BE AWESOME.

**JOINED:**

_18.9.10_


	43. Poor Big C

_A/N: Here we have the fourty third chapter :D Wow, I never realised this would last so long! And btw, the private chat only contains Tosh, Owen, Jack, Ianto and Gwen in this chapter xxxx_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says- **Hey Guys! Sorry I wasn't in today, my headache got worse overnight... So Big C, how're you enjoying you're life as a torchwood employee?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It's WICKED man!

**I love sex says-** He drove the SUV this morning

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I was SICK man!

**Jackie Chan says-** ...in the wrong direction.

**BIG C,INNIT says- **I got us there in the end!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** We ended up in London!

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Details, details...

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Well I think he did a shit job.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Look Cooper, I SAID I was sorry...

**Sexy Techie says- **What did you do? ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** You know we ended up in London? Well we all got out to get a bite to eat and Big C drove off... without Gwen.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I had to hitch-hike back with some Hairy biker! :

**Sexy Techie says-** *sniggers*

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** It's not funny!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** But ova den that minor incident, I reckon I'm doing alright!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeah, if you forget about the other minor incidents as well

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** WELL, I wanted to see if I could set fire to-

**Sexy Techie says-** On second thoughts? I don't wanna know.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Anyayz, I got ma 1st rehab lesson ting in a minute, I'm doin it on 'ere coz dey don't want to come into da hub, dat cool?

**Jackie Chan says-** Erm... yeah... sure...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Okay, so what I'm gonna do 1st is leave da chat so y'all can introduce yourselves, and den I'll come back in when every1 is comfortable. kay?

**I love sex says- **Wow, you've really thought this through!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** You know!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

_**-Weevil163 has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Hello Weevil, and welcome to the weevil rehab programme. My name's Jack and-

**Weevil 163 says-** I know who you are! It's me, The Master!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Dad... what are you doing?...

**Weevil 163-** I contacted Big C via email pretending to be a weevil that wanted to join the programme!

**Sexy Techie says-** Yes, we gathered that, but why?

**Weevil 163 says-** To see if he's up for the job of course!

**I love sex says-** You..are pure EVIL.

**Weevil 163 says-** ;)

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** So wait... The Master is really a weevil?

**Jackie Chan says-** ...just call him back in.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Big C, we're ready for you!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Hello Weevil! My name's Big C and I hope everyone else has introduced themselves...

**I love sex says-** Yep :)

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Okay, what's your name weevil?

**Weevil 163 says-** Darren.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Okay Darren, we're gonna start by talkin 'bout your hatred for humans, alright?

**Weevil 163 says-** It's because of the bloody mangoes!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Mangoes?

**Weevil 163 says- **Yes, mangoes! I'm allergic to the things, and whenever I come up to the surface they're everywhere! I even tried to move to Brazil to get away from them, but they're everywhere over there! I'm always coming up to get food, just creeping along, minding my own business and what do I see? BAM! Some foolish human holding a mango! It just makes me sooo mad! What's wrong with grapes? Or apples or bananas? Or are they too "_dorky_" for you lot? So that's why I kill humans. Because if they just kept their bloody mangoes away from me none of this would ever happen.

**I love sex says-** ...

_**-private chat-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** wow... he's good.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Who do you _think_ I get my amazing prank call lines from?

_**-Normal Chat-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Err... alright... well maybe u could just...stay away from anywhere that sells mangoes?

**Weevil 163 says- **No! How am I meant to do my shopping? I'll walk along in Sainsbury's, just innocently walking to the bread aisle and there they'll be! The stupid bloody fruit that NO ONE SHOULD EVER FUCKING EAT!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** erm... Well... is killin really da answer?

**Weevil 163 says-** YES! Why should I have to put up with it? Why should I be forced to watch the stupid little buggers eating their stupid fruit right in front of my face as if they own the place! I'll annihilate them all!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Um.. I don't realli no what u said dere coz I don't no wot annihilate means, but it don't sound good...

_**-Private chat-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** This...is EPIC.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What does anihelatte mean?

**Sexy Techie says-** -sighs- don't worry Gwen.

_**-Normal Chat-**_

**Weevil 163 says-** I SHALL KILL THEM ALL, YOU HEAR ME? NO MANGO SHALL ESCAPE MY WRATH! I SHALL TEAR THEM APART AND WIPE THEIR MANGO GUTS DOWN WALLS, NO ROCK SHALL REMAIN UNTURNED, I WILL FIND EVERY MANGO AND **DESTROY IT! **THEY SHALL BEG, AND PLEAD AND CRY FOR MERCY, BUT I WILL NOT LISTEN! NO! THEY SHALL ALL DIE IN A FIERY ABYSS OF PAIN! NONE SHALL LIVE, YOU HEAR ME? NONE!

**BIG C,INNIT says**- ...I don't even know wot to say to dat man! you're a psycho, go get help!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ... well that was fun :')

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Good job dad!

**Weevil 163 says-** ...Well I gotta go. Bye guys!

**Sexy Techie says-** Byee!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Same, I'm out xx

**Jackie Chan says-** Me too

**Sexy Techie says-** And me and Owen

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Weevil 163 has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Bye guys! ahhh, that was fun!

_**-Weevil 163 has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Oh hey, did you forget something?

**Weevil 163 says-** I WILL **DESTROY **THIS MANGO EATING PLANET! I WILL RIP APART EVERY COUNTRY, AND SHOVE THEIR SUPPLY OF MANGOES IN A GIANT BLENDER, THEN USE THE MIX TO DROWN THE CITIES! MANGOES WILL DIE! MANGOES WILL NEVER LIVE AGAIN! I WILL KILL EARTH! KILL IT!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I know it's you.. I was there, remember?

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** What was me?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** But you...you're name was... and he...OMFG! I GOTTA GO WARN EVERYBODY!

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

_**-Weevil 163 has changed their name to "Timey Wimey Lord"-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** That was so evil... it felt so GREAT!

**Here come the drums says-** I've taught you well :')

_A/N: Typical boys ;P Review as always! Much love xxx_


	44. Cheating?

_A/N: This is chapter fourty four! (why do I even say that? It's in the right hand corner...) And this is centred around John Hart, because we haven't had much of him recently :) xxx_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Hey! Sorry I left really early, there was a weevil sighting :(

**Hart Breaker says-** It's cool, I only just woke up anyway.

**I love sex says-** Really? But it's two already! you never sleep in that late!

**HartBreaker says-** I know, I've just been feeling really tired recently...

**I love sex says-** Where were you last night anyway? You came in late...

**HartBreaker says- **Um.. it really doesn't matter. gotta go!

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Hey Owen! Wuu2?

**I love sex says-** Nothing much... I asked John where he was last night and he wouldn't tell me and hurried off :/

**Sexy Techie says-** Never mind, I'm sure it wasn't important...

**I love sex says-** It's the fifth time this week though! 10 to 2 every night for the past three weeks he's been gone :(

**Jackie Chan says-** Eh-oh :/

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Don't worry, I'm sure there's a reasonable explaination...

**I love sex says-** Yeah... well I gotta go

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** YOOOOO FAM! Can I ask you something?

**Sexy Techie says-** Sure...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Is it normal to crave flapjacks covered in peanut butter?

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ... o.O

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Coz every morning I wake up REAALLLYYY wanting some flapjacks covered in peanut butter, and I can't think straight till I've ate them...

**Jackie Chan says-** Right...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Seriously though, I think it's making me ill... every morning I feel sick and I've got really bad stomach aches :/

**Sexy Techie says-** I'm sure it's just a flu or something :) Can't think why you'd crave flapjacks covered in peanut butter though...

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm not surprised. He's a bit of a freak after all

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Guys...

**Sexy Techie says-** What?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Cravings, stomach pains, morning sickness...

**Sexy Techie says-** What are you talking about- ...OMG! BIG C,WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD UNPROTECTED SEX?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Every night for three weeks. Mannn dat man's gurrrddd ;)

**Jackie Chan says-** O.M.G.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well I'm out. Byyyeezzzz.

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** You don't think?...

**Jackie Chan says-** Noooo... It can't be...can it?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Well, it has been done before. All he needs is the mood-

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says- ** You guuuyyyzz! Just dropped back in to say that could you please STOP FUCKING ANNOYING ME, IT'S PISSING ME OFF! : ...thanks guys! :D

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...swings.

**Jackie Chan says-** OMFG...Big C is pregnant!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...Guys. Big C says he's had sex every night for the past three weeks. John's been disappearing every night for three weeks.

**Jackie Chan says- **...:O You think...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ... omg.

**Jackie Chan says-** Get Big C back in here!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** WHATTTT? ...I like your hair Tosh :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Big C, where were you between 10 and 2 last night?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** With John!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** :O :O :O!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I mean...erm... at home with my cat, bye!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** I don't believe John! That cheeky little fucker!

**Jackie Chan says-** He proposed and everything!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I don't believe this! :( That's it, we're confronting him

_**-Hart Breaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Hey guys!

**Sexy Techie says-** Stay away from that lying Bastard Owen!

**Hart Breaker says-** Tosh... what are you on about...

**Jackie Chan says-** HE'S BEEN CHEATING ON YOU!

**I love sex says-** WHATTT?

**Jackie Chan says-** WITH BIG C!

**I love sex says-** ...DOUBLE WHAT?

**Hart Breaker says-** What? That's not true!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Where have you been skipping off to every night then?

**HartBreaker says-** I...can't tell you!

**I love sex says-** I don't believe this John... :(

**HartBreaker says-** Seriously, it's not true!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It's Okay John, you don't have to lie anymore...

**Sexy Techie says-** Yeah, cut the lies John! :|

**BIG C,INNIT says-** The truth is... every night he's been driving me to London because I lost my car in a freakish car crash that was NOT my fault at all man...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...*cough*

**Jackie Chan says-** Likely story! What would you be doing in London anyway?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I was doin da final stages of my course, innit... I'm a professional Ballet Dancer.

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** ...Jack?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** He fainted. Anyway, carry on

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I didn't wanna tell u guyz coz I knew u would laugh...

**Hart Breaker says-** See Owen! I would never cheat on you! I love you too much!

**I love sex says-** :')

**Hart Breaker says-** Well... we're off to have make up sex :)

_**-Hart Breaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** So.. u guyz can't tell anyone. I'll loose ma rep. Ya get me?

**Sexy Techie says-** ...were you being serious then? You seriously are a professional ballet dancer?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeahhh man!

**Sexy Techie says-** ... bye big c...

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Well thank god that's cleared up!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Tosh...

**Sexy Techie says-** yeah?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...that doesn't explain the morning sickness.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...o.O

_A/N: Ahhh, bless them :') This fic was meant to just be something short... but look at all the plot's it's had! First the triplets, then the almost ending, now this! :O But the question is, is he really pregnant? I have ideas for the next couple of chapters, and Big C is going to do something incredibly deep that you'd never of expected... if you wanna know what it is, tell me in the review :P If not, I'll keep it a secret ;) (I say that coz I always wanna know spoilers, but not everybody does :) ) Much love xxx_


	45. Here comes trouble

_A/N: I am now going to add a whole other team and a whole other team chat to the mix. Because for every good team, there's a bad team... This story is about to have a bit more of a plot... :P_

_"..." mean that the chat room has switched :) _

_xxxx_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** So you're pregnant...

**Here come the drums says-** ACTUALLY pregnant...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yep! :D

**I love sex says- **But how?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** WELLLL if you realli wanna no, it started with a bit of kissing, den we climbed on the bed and-

**I love sex says-** EWWWW! TMI, TMI! I meant how can you get pregnant?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Most male species can. Earth is one of the few planets where they can't

**Jackie Chan says-** It's still strange to think that in nine months time we're gonna have another baby around...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I can't wait, Innit :D

**Here come the drums says-** I'm sure you can't! But remember... THE NINE MONTHS ARE A FILLED WITH TORTURE AND PAIN! YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING ONLY TO THROW UP, YOUR HEAD AND STOMACH FEELS AS IF IT'S CONSTANTLY ON FIRE, AND THE DAYS WERE YOU FEEL SUICIDAL WILL BE THE CLOSEST THING TO A GOOD DAY YOU EVER EXPERIENCE...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** o.O

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Stop freaking him out!

**Here come the drums says-** Sorry... couldn't resist

...

_**-The feared one has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek Cynthia has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**The feared ones says-** Welcome, evil ones...

**Dalek Cynthia says-** ...Hi?

**Billis says-** I have a monster to bring back, can we hurry this up?

**The feared one says-** ...fine. As you all know, I have summoned you here today to discuss a very important matter... I want to DESTROY the torchwood team, and everyone they hold dear!

**Cyberman says-** Why?

**The feared one says-** Because they made a mockery of me, and NO-ONE gets away with that...

**Rassilon says-** Why, who are you?...

**The feared one says-** I am...

_**-"The Feared one" has changed his/her name to "Mr Octagon"-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Mr OCTAGON!

**Rassilon says-** ...nope. Doesn't ring a bell

**Mr Octagon says-** Mr Octagon! I control msn! Rememebr?

**Cyberman says-** ...Doesn't sound familiar...

**Mr Octagon says-** Mr Octagon! I tried to shut down torchwood msn!

**Billis says-** No, I still have no idea...

**Mr Octagon says-** OH FOR GODS SAKES!

**Dalek Cynthia says-** I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE THE IDIOT THAT WENT OFF CRYING LIKE A BABY WHEN THE TARDI-

**Mr Octagon says-** o-kaayyyy enough about me! Let's talk about our mission. Our mission is to...DESTROY THE TORCHWOOD TEAM AND EVERYONE THEY HOLD DEAR!

**Dalek Cynthia says-** ...you already said that.

**Billis says-** Don't be annoying.

**Dalek Cynthia says-** Or what?

**Billis says-** Or I'll do this...

**Dalek Cynthia says-** Do what? huh? wait...I feel tingly... oh man :(

_**-Dalek Cynthia has changed his/her name to "Dalek Caan"**_

**Cyberman says-** ...ouch.

**The feared one says-** Stop squabbling! We MUST start planning! The torchwood team could be plotting my downfall as we speak, or other very important matters! Either way, whatever they're saying is BOUND to be pure genius, and cunning...

...

**Jackie Chan says-** Hey guys! I can pick my nose with a bendy straw!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...nice Jack. Reeeeeeal nice.

...

**Billus says-** Okay... I'm in Mr Ocatgon. They've thwarted my plans once already, they won't do it again

**Cyberman says-** Isn't octagon a shape?

**Mr Octagon says- **No. It's not pronounced like that

**Cyberman says-** But I'm SURE it's a shape...

**Rassilon says-** Isn't it a six sided shape?

**Cyberman says-** Nahh, it's twelve.

**Rassilon says- **No, I think it might be three...

**Mr Octagon says-** FOR GODS SAKES! IT'S A SEVEN SIDED SHAPE! AND MY NAME IS NOT PRONOUNCED LIKE THAT! IT IS OK-TAG-EW-N! GET THAT? **OK-TAG FUCKING EW-N!** WHY CAN NONE OF YOU IDIOTS EVER GET IT RIGHT?

**Billis says-** Actually, I believe it's an eight sided shape...

**Mr Octagon says-** SHUT UP! Eh-em. Sorry, I lost control for a minute

**Here come the drums says-** ...do you ever get that strange feeling in the back of your mind that someone is planning on how to kill you?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Don't be silly!

**Sexy Techie says-** No one would ever want to kill torchwood!

**Mr Octagon says-** okay, let's start planning how to kill torchwood.

**Dalek Caan says-** We can't.

**Mr Octagon says-** Why not?

**Dalek Caan says-** Because we don't have an evil team name.

**Mr Octagon says-** Fine. But I want my name in it.

**Billis says-** Octagon and the triangles?

**Cyberman says-** *sniggers*

**Dalek Caan says-** How about... the fiery fashionistas?

**Cyberman says-** No. Delete the meat.

**Billis says-** ...?

**Cyberman says-** I couldn't think of anything else that rhymed with delete.

**Billis says-** -facepalms-

**Rassilon says-** I say we call it... team RASSILON.

**Billis says- **No. Team destroyers of torchwood

**Dalek Caan says-** Too plain.

**Mr Octagon says-** Okay seriously gentlemen, we really don't have time to-

**Dalek Caan says -** Team Destroyers!

**Mr Octagon says-** Come on guys-

**Rassilon says-** Team temple flame!

**Mr Octagon says-** Seriously, we have to-

**Billis says-** TEAM Y=MC2!

**Mr Octagon says-** WTF? Come on guys, we-

**Cyberman says- **The green hedgehog alliance!

**Billis says-** ...

**Dalek Caan says-** ...

**Rassilon says-**...

**Mr Octagon says-** What the... does that even exist?

**Dalek Caan says-** team-

**Mr Octagon says-** THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! OUR TEAM NAME IS TEAM RED, OKAY? Now... go evil minions, and wreak havoc on the torchwood team!

...

**BIG C,INNIT says- **The green hedgehog alliance was a group created by a guy named Alexander Windhop to protect hedgehogs all over the world from being run over by cars. It has over 2500 members worldwide.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I dunno, I just... felt like it had to be said for some reason.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...okayy...

**Jackie Chan says-** Guys... you know I said I could pick my nose with a bendy straw?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Yes...

**Jackie Chan says-** ...it's stuck.

_A/N: :D review as always, and let me know what you think of the new team :P much love xxxx_


	46. Plans

_A/N: I couldn't do my homework until I got this written down. I hope you're happy xD xxxx_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Heyyy! Listen, I need to ask you something... when you were pregnant with the triplets... how long did your morning sickness last for

**Here come the drums says-** ...Forever :D

**BIG C,INNIT says-** FOREVER?

**Here come the drums says-** Yeah! Did you not know? Once you have a baby you get morning sickness every day for the rest of your life

**BIG C,INNIT says-** OMG MAN!

**Here come the drums says-** It's true! You wanna know what else?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** wot?

**Here come the drums says-** ...you know these cravings you keep getting? What is it now?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Pears covered in marmite...why?...

**Here come the drums says-** ...you turn INTO a pear covered in marmite

**BIG C,INNIT says-** WOTTTTTTTTTTTT? :O :O :O

**Here come the drums says-** Yep. I only just about escaped with my life. But you...you're in too deep.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...omfg.

**Here come the drums says-** Better go start preparing mate. It's NOT fun.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** omg, you're right!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** So what lies did you go and tell him this time?

**Here come the drums says- **That he'd turn into a pear covered in marmite :D

**Sexy Techie says-** :O! How could you?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Per-lease. That's nothing. Yesterday he told him if he blinked twenty times in twenty seconds while he was giving birth the baby would come out with antlers.

**Sexy Techie says-** :O

**Here come the drums says- **:D

...

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the convversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Good afternoon gentlemen.

**Cyberman says-** So what are we doing today boss?

**Mr Octagon says-** We are entering into the first stage of the plan. Aka: Getting The Plans For The Layout Of The Hub

**Billis says-** Let's just call it "Getting TL."

**Cyberman says-** But doesn't TL stand for Thallium?

**Rassilon says-** Okay fine, "Getting LOH"

**Billis says-** But that's difficult to pronounce...

**Mr Octagon says-** I am telling you now we are NOT going into that naming thing again.

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** Sorry I'm late darlings, I was buying a new pair of gladiator sandals

**Rassilon says-** ...There was nothing remotly manly in that sentence.

**Billis says-** Seriously, act like a man!

**Dalek Caan says-** I'm a girl inside, okay? :'(

...

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Hey guys!

**Sexy Techie says-** Hey :)

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Listen, I was checking the CCTV last night, and I think I found something important...

**Jackie Chan says-** If it's me dancing with that monkey, then I SWEAR it made me

**Here come the drums says-** ...

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...noooooo... It was a clip of a couple of men in black hoodies spray painting the back wall of the hub. I must say, one looked a rather odd shape... _(a/n: Dalek Caan xD)_

**I love sex says-** Really?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Why spray there?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** It wasn't just some teenager having a laugh, it was addressed to us...

**Sexy Techie says-** What?

**Jackie Chan says-** How do you know?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Well... it says "We'll get you torchwood."

**Here come the drums says-** ...I'm sure there are plenty of other torchwoods?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** It's signed by "Team Red." But then that's crossed out. And then "Fiery Fashionistas." But then that's crossed out as well. And then under that it's "Team Delete The Meat." But then that's crossed. Then under that is Team Y=MC2. But that's crossed out. Then finally, it says "Team Green HedgeHog Alliance". Which is circled. Then underneath that it says "Ignore the scribbles." Then there's an arrow from that saying "Mwahahahahaa."

...

**Mr Octagon says-** They're probably quaking in their shoes at the sight of us! Mwahahahaha

**Cyberman says-** Yeahhh! :D

...

**I love sex says-** Well whoever they are... they sure are idiots.

**Here come the drums says-** ...Who names a team "Delete the Meat?"

...

**Mr Octagon says-** Okay, this is the plan. When they all leave... we sneak into torchwood... steal the plans of the layout... and then bomb it.

**Rassilon says-** ...Bomb it?

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes, Bomb it. Problem?

**Cyberman says- **Well...it's a little... boring.

**Dalek Caan says-** Okay... we could... imprison them all... and then leave Gwen in charge.

**Mr Octagon says-** :O Yes! It's even better then bombing the place! They'll be BEGGING for death half an hour in!

**Billis says-** Okay, so we steal the plans at exactly six o'clock tonight.

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes!

**Dalek Caan says-** Go team Green HedgeHog Alliance!

**Billis says-** I think we need a name change

**Mr Octagon says-** urghhhh, fine. But be quick about it!

**Cyberman says-** GO TEAM...

**Rassilon says-** ...Krabbe eingewickelt im Speck!

**Mr Octagon says-** ...wtf?

**Rassilon says-** It's crab wrapped in bacon in german :D

**Dalek Caan says-** ...GO TEM KRABBE EINGEWICKELT IM SPECK!

**Rassilon says-** Should we bring any weapons?

**Mr Octagon says-** Don't bother. I tricked the enterance code out of Cooper, the place will be unarmed.

...

**Sexy Techie says-** Well I'm out.

**I love sex says-** same :)

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm off too.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yep, I gotta get ready for our date tonight.

**Jackie Chan says-** You know what? I don't really think we guard the hub well enough when we're gone.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Would you like me to put the piranha infested tank up?

**Jackie Chan says-** Yeah, and the robot ninjas.

_A/N: ...Good luck breaking in guys xD Also, the baddie's are gonna change their team name every chapter, because as you can see, they're not the brightest of people... So any ideas for names, let me know :D xxx_


	47. Meetings

_A/N: Thanks for the name suggestions guys! They all made me laugh, and I'll try and get round to using them all. This chapter is going to cover a bit more of the details about Big C's pregnancy, plus the two teams meet... _

_**Chasing aspirations-**__ You know a while ago I told you who the baby's other dad was? ...Well I might of left out a teeny-tiny detail... ;) xxx_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says- **How are you this morning Big C?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Alriggghhhhtttt

**Jackie Chan says- **Erm... Big C... we were talking and...well... who's the dad?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** You no ma dance instructor?

**Sexy Techie says- **yeah...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** well...him.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** :O No wonder you're always so keen to go ;)

**I love sex says-** Get in there Big C ;)

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Wait... he does know about all of this, right?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah! He has loads of aliens in his classes. He's even got a mutant slug

**Here come the drums says-** ...that learns ballet? Bloody hell.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** So he no's Im preggo, innit.

**Jackie Chan says- **So...we want details! What does he look like?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** wellll, he's in his forties...

**Sexy Techie says-** Yeahhhhh

**BIG C,INNIT says-** He only works part time as a dance teacher, he's really high up in the government

**I love sex says-** yeahhhhh

**BIG C,INNIT says-** And his name is Peter Octagon :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...o.O

...

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** Word on the street is you got that torchwood weevil pregnant

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes, I did. Knowing of his love for ballet I went undercover as a ballet instructor and then had sex with him.

**Billis says-** ...why?

**Mr Octagon says-** _Because_, Idiot, that means that when the baby is born I can take it, raise it to hate Torchwood and it will help me annihilate them all! Mwahahaha!

**Dalek Caan says- **...And that'll work?

**Mr Octagon says-** Of _course_ it will work, it is _my_ plan after all!

**Cyberman says-** What, you mean like _your_ plan last night that got us nearly becoming fish food?

**Mr Octagon says-** ...I wanted that to happen. Anyways, this time, I have a plan that cannot fail. All we've done so far is graffiti a little on their wall. They now KNOW we're here. So...why don't we introduce ourselves properly?

**Dalek Caan says-** Good idea boss!

...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...WHATTT?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah...what's wrong with that...

**Jackie Chan says-** Do you not REMEMBER what he did?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** nnoooo...

**I love sex says-** He tried to shut us down!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nooooo, he's my dance instructor, stoopid!

**Here come the drums says-** You expect a man who can't even spell stupid right to remember what happened a month ago? Dream on guys, dream on.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Okay... stipud.

**Here come the drums says- **no.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Stoepid?

**Here come the drums says- **no.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Steopied?

**Here come the drums says- **Still no.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Guys! More pressing matters here!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I _can_ remember what happened thank you very much, it's _you lot_ who got it wrong. The person who tried to shut us down was called Percy Pentagon.

**I love sex says-** ...

**Sexy Techie says-** -facepalms-

**Jackie Chan says-** No Big C! He was called Peter Octagon! How could you forget? What were you doing while he introduced himself, eating your own toenails?

**BIG C,INNIT says- ...**

**Sexy Techie says-** OMG Big C, that's DISGUSTING!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Look, I no Im right, ya get me? I'll even check da history! See, checking, checking, almost there. See, his name was- HOLY CRAP!

...

**Mr Octagon says-** Okay, now we want this enterance to be evil. Really, _really_ evil. So evil that they're scared to death. Okay? We need to be calm and cool, and professional at all times. Got it?

**Rassilon says-** Yes sir!

...

**Sexy Techie says- **Er... guys? My computer's beeping... Someone's entering the chat

**Jackie Chan says-** Who?

_** -Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Well... I'm guessing them.

**Dalek Caan says-** We...are team... ... wait... what's our team name again?

**Rassilon says-** ... I don't actually know.

**Billis says-** Okay, time out a minute.

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay...

**Mr Octagon says- ** Ah! I've got one! We... are team... WOODTORCH! _(A/N: Thank you Cusshey xD)_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...well that was sad.

**Rassilon says-** Wait... the Master?

**Dalek Caan says-** OMFG!

**Sexy Techie says-** how do they know you?

**Here come the drums says-** We just... met... a couple of times...

**Rassilon says-** ...YOU! :O YOU'RE THE TIMELORD THAT RUINED MY PLANS!

**Here come the drums says- **Hey Rassilon...he..he...

**Dalek Caan says-** Wait a minute... .you're the one who messed up my shoe collection!

**Here come the drums says-** well...

**Billis says-** You're the one who tied Abaddon to a merry-go-round after I FINALLY got him back again! :

**Here come the drums says-** I can explain...

**Mr Octagon says- **You messed up my plans as well!

**Here come the drums says-** Maybe, but in all fairness-

**Cyberman says-** YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOOK A BITE OUT OF MY DONUT AND THEN RAN OFF WITH IT!

**I love sex says-** ...

**Sexy Techie says- ...**

**Jackie Chan says-** -facepalms-

**Mr Octagon says-** ...just look threatening and don't talk anymore, kay?

**Cyberman says-** okay :(

**Jackie Chan says-** You got Big C pregnant!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah man! :

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes, and when it is born and you give the child to me... I shall raise it to be evil! Mwahahahahahahaha!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...You do realise that he could just not give you the child?

**Mr Octagon says -** ...damm. I didn't think about that

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** You're a bit of a fail as a bad guy, aren't you?

**Mr Octagon says-** Shut up! I'm an excellent baddie!

**Sexy Techie says-** Well... what is it you want?

**Mr Octagon says-** I don't...actually know. I never thought this far in.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...crap at plans... thinks he's evil... fails at it... are you related to Danny the Pizza guy by any chance?

**Mr Octagon says-** Yeah, he's my nephew

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- ** I see where he gets it from...

**Dalek Caan says-** Anyway... FEAR US!

**Billis says-** Yeah!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...um...okay?

**Rassilon says-** ...well... bye.

**Mr Octagon says-** Yeah...we'll.. erm... GET YOU! ...especially you, you vile, evil little destroyer

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek Caan has left the conversation-**_

**...**

**Dalek Caan says-** ...Well I don't know about you guys... but I think that went GREAT! :D

**Rassilon says-** ..Yeah! Well done guys!

**Mr Octagon says-** Mwahahahahaha!

...

**I love sex says- **I never thought Dalek Caan would turn against us. I thought he was on our side!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well at least you don't have to have the main evil guy's baby -.-

**Here come the drums says-** I don't know what's more shocking, the fact you couldn't remember who he was... or the fact you thought he was even remotely _fit._

**Jackie Chan says-** ...Who do you think they were talking about at the end?

**Here come the drums says**- Well, they said "you vile, evil little destroyer" so I think it's kinda obvious...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeah, good point...

**Here come the drums says-** ...But to say it behind her back when Gwen's not even here? That's just rude.

_A/N: Review as always :) Much love xxxxx_


	48. Baby!

_A/N: Hey guys! Just like to let you all know that I've had to skip this story a few *cough* eight *cough* months to the birth, because I've got another fic as well as this plus I'm planning a really big one, so I don't have time to stop and plan it out carefully. Instead...I will type as I go along. So... Big C gives birth! Sorry if it's shit. Also, if you read my regrets chapter for tosh, this would make a bit more sense. Finally, I'd just like to point out that the triplets are currently one and a half xxxx_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Sup fam! How did the adoption thing go?

**Sexy Techie says- **Not too good :( They think I'm not the best candidate, because they'd rather the baby was left with two parents then only one :(

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Awww man. Dat's well out of order, innit

**Sexy Techie says-** It's the sixth time this week! I just don't want to be alone anymore, you understand?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Tosh... I was think-

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Hey guys!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** GUYS! Do you mind? I was TRYING to have a dramatic moment!

**Jackie Chan says-** ...sorry.

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ANYWAYZ! I was thinkin... I can't handle a baby. I'm young! I got a life, and a load of fit girls to have sex with. So I was thinkin... why don't you take it?

**Sexy Techie says-** ...eh?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Raise the baby!

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh Big C...

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Done yet?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** we'll talk about it later yeh?

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** That weevil...is amazing :')

**Here come the drums says-** If it's the "I can fart out of my ears trick"? Because it's really not that amazing.

**Jackie Chan says-** So where are we all? I know I'm at the hub, and I can see Tosh from here.

**I love sex says-** In the library :P

**Here come the drums says-** At Big C's place

**Jackie Chan says-** Really?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What's it like?

**Here come the drums says-** He's got this whole underground room thing, it's so cool! He even has a swimming pool!

**I love sex says-** You're in a swimming pool...with a laptop?

**Here come the drums says- **Yeah...

**Sexy Techie says-** Don't you think that's a bit... stupid?

**Here come the drums says- **Nah, I like the sparks. It makes the water warmer :D

**Jackie Chan says-** ...you worry me sometimes.

**Sexy Techie says-** So what are you and Big C doing?

**Here come the drums says- **I'm in the pool and Big C's staggering around moaning about a pain in his stomach

_** -Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **When's his due date anyway?

**Here come the drums says-** 27th.

**Jackie Chan says-** Uh... Saxon? ...THAT'S TODAY!

**Here come the drums says-** ohhhhhhhh so THAT'S why he's rolling around on the floor! I get it now!

**Sexy Techie says-** GO AND HELP HIM YOU IDIOT!

**Here come the drums says-** ...nah, the water's relaxing

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** DAD!

**Here come the drums says-** Okay, okay, god! Don't get so moany! It's a good thing I didn't tell you about the drugs!

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **...DRUGS?

**Here come the drums says-** Wellllll, you know the triplets are with me? Well I brought along some of those baby pills we're meant to crush up in their food for the cold they've been having... so I just fed them all to Big C :D

**Jackie Chan says-** WHY?

**Here come the drums says-** Well he was all moaning, so I figured it would shut him up! :D

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** they've gone to help. YOU are the biggest idiot I have ever met.

**Here come the drums says-** Why thank you :D I'm off to go help as well

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** So tosh...what's this whole baby thing about?

**Sexy Techie says-** He wants me to adopt it

**I love sex says-** And that's bad because...

**Sexy Techie says-** I dunno... Would I be a good parent?

**I love sex says-** Of course you would! Let's face it, Big C isn't cut out to be a dad. I don't even know if he knows how to spell Dad without an extra Z, so imagine what his child would turn out like? Besides, he made a smart choice picking you. We all know you desperately want to be a mum, and he couldn't of picked a better person

**Sexy Techie says-** Thanks Owen :')

**I love sex says-** No problem :) How's the birth going?

**Sexy Techie says-** Alright. The Master's been texting, keeping me updated. The triplets don't know whats going on, they think Big C's going bright red for the fun of it. Having a right laugh, they are.

**I love sex says-** :P

**Sexy Techie says-** It's happening strangely quickly, it's almost over!

**I love sex says-** Just got a text... it's over? It's only been half an hour

**Sexy Techie says- ** WEevilllll birthhhsss arreee quickerr mannnnnn

**I love sex says-** ?

**Sexy Techie says-** That's what Big C told Jack

**I love sex says-** Can you blame him? He was off his face on drugs. the baby's human! Thank god, I was scared he was gonna come out half and half ;D

**Sexy Techie says-** He?

**I love sex says-** Go on Tosh, go see your little boy :D

**Sexy Techie says-** I love you Owen :)

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**THREE HOURS LATER**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** How do you reckon they're doing with the baby naming?

_** -Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** THE BLITHERING IDIOT WANTS TO NAME THE BABY "DONKEY NINJA! : :

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...Not very well I'm guessing.

_A/N: Relax people, they decided on Ben in the end xD Also, I posted a story called "MAMMA MIA" which is about what Big C does when he's alone in the hub ;) Check it out, if you want. Review as always! Much love xxx_


	49. Don't worry Cyberman, we feel the same

_A/N: Heyyy alll :) Just a quick note, I have a new fic, "the year that never was" __please__ check it out, as I'm not sure whever I should continue or not currently :/ In this chapter, we find out a bit more about baby Ben, and our baddies try and add a member to their team... xxxxx_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** It was really sweet you know, what you did for Tosh.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Me? Sweet? Nah. I don't do sweet man. I just didn't fancii raisin' a baby, ya get me?

**I love sex says-** You could of given it up for adoption?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well yeaaz but Tosn wanted a baby innit, and it's quicker den filling out all dem papers, innit

**I love sex says-** Surrrreeeee. whatever you say...

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Hey guys! Just checking to see you all got the pics of Ben

**I love sex says-** We did, he's adorable!

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Which is a bloody miracle really, considering one dad was a bald, mad,ugly loser

**BIG C,INNIT says-** spose...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...and the other was Mr Octagon

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wait, who's the first one then? Were there three people involved? OMG, DID I ACCIDENTLY HAVE A THREESOME?

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** *facepalms*

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Iantooooooooo, you know you loooovveeee mmeee?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeeeessssss...

**Jackie Chan says-** ...can you make me a coffee? :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Euurgghh...fine.

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Can I have one as well please :D

**Sexy Techie says-** I fancy a hot chocolate... with whipped cream.

**Jackie Chan says-** Sorry, whipped cream is reserved for me and Ianto ;)

**Here come the drums says-** ...tmi...

**I love sex says-** Ew Harkness, that's disgusting!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** We put it on top of cake. ...why? What were you thinking of?

**Sexy Techie says-** ...nothing...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** So how's Ben?

**Sexy Techie says-** He's alright thanks, he's sleeping. He's so cute! :D

**BIG C,INNIT says- **I still think my name was better...

**Here come the drums says- **Yeah, for a circus clown.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** At least I got to pick the middle name! :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Middle name?

**Sexy Techie says-** Don't worry, it's not important.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What is it?

**Sexy Techie says-** Seriously, don't worry.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** If Tosh doesn't want to say, she doesn't have to :D

**Sexy Techie says-** Thank you Big C! :D

**BIG C,INNIT says- **...Tarantula :D

**I love sex says-** ...LOL!

**Jackie Chan says**-TARANTULA?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah, after da famous director Quentin Tarantula, he directed nd rote ma favourite film, kill bill

**Here come the drums says-** That's Quentin Tarantino you idiot!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...oops. Ma bad.

...

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Er... hello?

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** Hello my lovely!

**Mr Octagon says-** Caan! Remember what we rehearsed!

**Dalek Caan says-** Oh, sorry, let me start again...

**Dalek Caan says-** HELLO, FOOLISH MORTAL! WE... ARE... TEAM GLOW WORM!

**Am I Bovered says-** Glow worm?

**Billis says-** Yes, glow worm!

**Am I Bovered says-** Can I ask you a question?

**Rassilon says-** What? No, we're trying to-

**Am I Bovered says-** Can I ASK you a _question_?

**Mr Octagon says- **I don't think you understand, we're trying to inform-

**Am I Bovered says-** All I wanna do is ask a question, can I not ask a question? Can I _ASK_ you a question?

**Mr Octagon says-** ...fine.

**Am I Bovered says-** ...why you's called team glow worm?

**Mr Octagon says-** I don't... actually know... ANYWAY!

**Billis says-** Donna Noble, we want YOU to join our team to take down torchwood.

**Am I Bovered says-** But I like those guys, innit...

**Rassilon says-** maybe if you hear our plan you'll change you're mind...

**Mr Octagon says-** ...We're going to take down Torchwood one by one, slowly killing them, but first completely destroying their entire worlds... we'll murder and torture until not a single member of their families remains standing! We will DESTROY torchwood! Our first attack is tonight at eight am. Are you in?

**Am I Bovered says-** ...nahhh mate.

**Cyberman says-** You have no choice, if you don't join... well, there will be consequences.

**Am I Bovered says- **Like what?

**Cyberman says-** ...you know... bad things.

**Am I Bovered says-** Liiiiikkkeee...

**Cyberman says-** Well...we'll...we'lll...

**Rassilon says-** ..STEAL YOUR FAVOURITE TEDDY BEAR!

**Billis says-** ...?

**Rassilon says-** What? I know that's what I'D hate...

**Dalek Caan says-** ...we'll just do bad things, kay?

**Am I Bovered says-** Well I'll just leave.

**Cyberman says-** You can't. We set it up so you can only leave the chatroom if you type in the password for visitors!

**Dalek Caan says-** yeah, there's no way you'll be able to-

_**-Am I Bovered has left the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** ...guess the password.

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Yeah, coz it ain't like "I like wearing ladies underwear is a difficult password to guess."

**Rassilon says-** Caan! Why'd you choose that, you idiot!

**Dalek Caan says-** It wasn't me who set the password...

**Mr Octagon says-** ... o.O

**Cyberman says- ** ...they're comfy, okay?

...

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Guys, just spoke to Donna, she says there's some idiots trying to break into torchwood soon, and it's the same idiots who wrote on your wall.

**Jackie Chan says-** What?

**HartBreaker says-** Yeah, they tried to recruit donna

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Bet that went successfully.

**HartBreaker says-** She's given me the chat details, so I can enter one of you into the chat to try and find out what's going on...

**Sexy Techie says-** Okay, one of us can pretend to want to join.

**Here come the drums says-** We need someone cunning, confident and above all, some one who's smart...

...

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **Hey Guys! :D

...

**I love sex says- ** You idiot John! Why did you let her in?

**HartBreaker says-** 'Cause I'm hoping they'll keep her.

**Sexy Techie says-** It's not like they're going to tell her anyway, they'd have to be stupid to give away vital information to someone they don't even know the proper identity of...

...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I've left Torchwood to join you, fancy telling me the plans?

**Cyberman says-** ...OKAY SURE! We're going to take down Torchwood one by one, slowly killing them, but first completely destroying their entire worlds... we'll murder and torture until not a single member of their families remains standing! We will DESTROY torchwood! Our first attack is tonight at eight am. Are you in?

...

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Got it!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** That was quick...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Gwen, telling us this information could make up for every stupid thing you've eva done. It would mean you'd actually done something helpful, 'nd ur not a complete retard... so what's the information?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...damn, I forgot.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** -.-

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh for god's sakes gwen, it was two minutes ago!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...I know Cyberman likes ladies underwear, does that help? Oh, and that someone stole rassilon's teddy

**Here come the drums says-** I really must give that back one day.

_A/N: Done :) Please review, much love :) xxxxxx_


	50. WE REACHED 50!

_A/N: FIFTIETH CHAPTER! This is rather special for me, seeing as I didn't really expect it to last this long. So, seeing as it's the fiftieth chapter, I've made this one LONG! Well... 5000 which is a lot longer then usual ;P Hopefully your brain won't fall out by the end. In our 50th chapter of wierdness we're going to have SONGS! JUDOON! ALLIANCES! and... A NEW VILLIAN. xxx_

_**-BIG C, INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation.-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** So**, **AFTER Gwen's FAILURE at getting data last time**, **I stayed at the hub all night just to make sure the hub wasn't attacked

**Jackie Chan says-** And, I think I know our ringleader!

**I love sex says-** Who?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** The one and only... Mr Octagon.

**Sexy Techie says-** : O!

**BIG C, INNIT says-**Le gasp!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Are you sure?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Of course I'm sure. I don't forget things like _some_ of us.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Seriously, stop going on about it!

**Sexy Techie says- **How do you know it was him? He strikes me as someone who would send his cronies to do the dirty work.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Nope. He sent the lot, but came as well. They were all in rather feminine pink hoodies (I'm guessing Caan picked them out) and I caught them trying to get down the invisible lift

**Jackie Chan says-** So if they managed to get into the hub,, how did you manage to overpower them? I mean, there's like five of them and only one of you.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Oh no, they didn't reach the hub

**Sexy Techie says-** But...you said they took the invisible lift?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...They did. They got stuck halfway through.

**I love sex says-** ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What a fail!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I just left the idiots to it, and when they FINALLY got out, they left ,me a message to pass onto you

**I love sex says-**...?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Dear Torchwood, We will kill you, mwahahaha.

**BIG C, INNIT says-** ...Is that it?

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Yep. I was slightly concerned too.

**BIG C, INNIT says-**Well I must say, it does seem rather... odd.

**...**

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation- **_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Well well my loyal minions, as we all know last night's plan... Failed a bit. But it's ok, I have forgiven you.

**Billis says-** Last time I checked, it was YOU who blocked the invisible lift with your big fat arse!

**Mr Octagon says-** LOOK, I'M A BUSY MAN, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DIET, AND IT'S NOT FAT, IT'S PLEASANTLY PLUMP, OKAY?

**Rassilon says-** Ok, okay... sheesh...

**Cyberman says-** Yeah, just get on with telling us what we have to do next

**Mr Octagon says-**No, it's not okay! I want to tell you all a story...

**Cyberman-** Oh god, not again!

**Billis says-** (Be thankful. At least it's not the "I had an irrational fear of rainbows as a child" story again)

**Mr Octagon says-** You see my evil minions... when I was younger I had a rare disease. I would sit down at the dinner table to eat, and when my plate was in front of me, the food was drawn magnetically to my mouth! I know what you're all thinking, but it really did. Whenever anything was put in front of me I would have no choice but to eat it. Ice cream, cakes, biscuits, the lot. But for some strange reason, the magnetism would stop whenever it came to fruit or vegetables... So you see, it's not my fault I'm on the tubby side.

**Billis says-** All I see is that you're fat and in denial.

**Cyberman says-** Does Rhys Williams suffer from it as well?

**Mr Octagon says-** It's a CONDITION!

**Rassilon says-** So what are we doing now?

**Mr Octagon says-** I've sent a member of our ranks into the torchwood's msn to find out details...

...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** So, what we up to darlings?

**Sexy Techie says-** ...?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I mean... erm... what we up to... homies?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** er... Big C... are you okay?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yep, fine.

**Sexy Techie says-** Okay then...

**Jackie Chan says-** Tosh...shouldn't you be looking after Ben?

**Sexy Techie says-** Nope. The Master's got them. He's taking them and the triplets out, he said I look knackered

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Wait... you're trusting... MY DAD... with your child?

**Jackie Chan says-** I know he's not the safest person, but he can't be that bad surely?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I learnt how to hold a gun at the age of four.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...o.O I'm gonna go get my child.

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Who is this...Ben you speak of?

**I love sex says-** Er... you gave birth to him dude, remember?...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Oh yes, silly me. Haha

**I love sex says-** ...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...so what do you guys think of my new boots? I may wear them with my pink top.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** No no no, the pink top won't suit your shape with the boots, you'll look frumpy. Go for the boots with the green top or the pink top with the pumps.

**Jackie Chan says-** Er... Big C... are you okay?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Why of course I'm okay Jack! Why ever would I not be? I'm just feeling a little calmer today then usual. I've been listening to Beethoven you see.

**I love sex says-** Big C you hate Beethoven, remember? "Hiz vibez jus' aren't da same as Mozart, innit."

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Oh yes, my mistake, I meant mozart. I'm just exhausted you know, lack of sleep.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...Since when have you known how to spell exhausted?

**Jackie Chan says-** Wait a minute guys... scroll up and read all the things he's said a minute...

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **What's wrong with it?

**I love sex says-** IT'S IN PROPER ENGLISH! :O

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** :O! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BIG C?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Erm.. no.. he...he... I think you're getting confused, I'm-

**Jackie Chan says-** Clothes... matching... darlings... DALEK CAAN!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...*sighs* Ok lovies, you caught me.

_**-BIG C,INNIT has changed his/her name to "Dalek Caan"-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** As you all know I turned to the dark side to work for Mr Octagon. He sent me here to spy on you

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** You BACKSTABBER!

**Dalek Caan says-** He gave me £3500! do you _know_ how many tops that can buy me?

**Jackie Chan says-** You betrayed us!

**Dalek Caan says-** I know, but you don't understand! Let me sing you a song, then you'll get it...

**I love sex says-** ...must you?

**Dalek Caan says-** Yes.

**I love sex says-** ...eurhhhh fine.

**Dalek Caan says-** _A/N: To the tune of a whole new world xD)_

I can show you the shoppppssss  
Shining, shimmering, bouuuuuutiques  
Tell me darling, now when did  
You last, match your shoes and bags?

I can open your eyes  
Take you store by storeeee  
Over, sideways and under  
On a magic shopping ride

A whole new world  
A new fantastic pair of shoes  
No one to tell me no  
Or what shops to go  
Or say I have no fe-eeet

A whole new world  
Designer that I always knew  
But when I'm in the store  
Buying even more  
Now I'm in a whole new world with shoes

Unbelievable sights  
Indescribable feeling  
Trying not to start stealing  
As I, look at the all the buys!

A whole new world  
Every turn lots of buys  
With new shops to explore  
Every moment gets better  
I'll chase shoes anywhere  
Have cash to spare  
Let me buy you, some D&G bagggssssss

A whole new world  
That's where I'll be  
In some shopping place  
Making space  
In my draws for my teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**I love sex says-** ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...well THAT was disturbing.  
**Dalek Caan says-** I thought it was rather beautiful actually...

**I love sex says-** I'm sorry Caan, but if you're with Mr Octagon... I think you should leave.

**Dalek Caan says-** No! I'm not happy over there! They laugh at my fashion sense and bully me about my braces!

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **...you have braces?

**Dalek Caan says-** yeah

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** but... you're a dalek...

**Dalek Caan says-** yeah... PROBLEM WITH THAT?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** No sir, sorry sir :S

**Jackie Chan says-** Well, okay but... if you're going to join us again... you have to tell Mr Octagon

**Dalek Caan says-** okay!

...

**Mr Octagon says-** Oh for gods sakes, he's late! Where is he?

_** -Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Where have you been, you buffoon? Tell us what you know.

**Dalek Caan says- **I'm leaving to help torchwood again, they're so much nicer! Good day!

_**-Dalek Caan has left the conversation-**_

**Billis says-** ...

**Rassilon says-** ...well that was... unexpected.

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** Oh, and for the record, Rassilon! Your shoes don't match your timelord gown. Billis! You're glasses are so old, they can't even be called vintage. Cyberman! No-one wears _silver_ anymore, and Mr Octagon? You don't have an illness, you're just fat.

_**-Dalek Caan has left the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** ...o.O

...

_(A/N: And now, in our 50th chapter of weirdness, we are cutting to the next day)_

_**-Judoon 1 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 2 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 3 has entered the conversation-**_

**Judoon 1 says-** Searching, searching

**Judoon 2 says-** He is not here.

**Judoon 3 says-** Check next room, check next room

_**-Judoon 1 has left the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 2 has left the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 3 has left the conversation-**_

_**...**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** My head hurts

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Story of your life

**Here come the drums says-** No seriously, it's really been pounding ever since we found out about Octagon. I think he's dangerous

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** He's about as dangerous as a marshmallow

**Here come the drums says- **Then what's making my head hurt?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I dunno...

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Hey guys! what's up?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Nothing much, he's moaning about his head

**Here come the drums says-** When we all die because you refused to listen to me... I'll laugh at you in the afterlife.

**HartBreaker says-** ...Fair enough. How're things going with Team Glow worm?

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** We're team TORCHtorchwood now actually.

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** ...okay then... how are things with team TORCHtorchwood?

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** Yeah, how are things?

**I love sex says-** ...we're not telling you Rhys.

**Sexy Techie says-** Come meet us John, and we'll fill you in.

**Jackie Chan says-** And Rhys? ...Go do some exercise, fattie.

_** -HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** ohhh :( Why do they always say I'm fat? I'm the skinniest man I know! I just don't get why the mirror shows me looking obese! There must be something wrong with them.

_(A/N: Reflexion, mulan ;D )_

**Rhys says- **Look at me

I would never pass for an obese man

Or an ugly loser

Can it be

They are jealous of, my smarts?

Now I see

That if I were truly to show myself

I would break all the girl's hearts

Who is that man I see?

He is fat

Unlike me

Why is my reflection

Over twentttyyyy stone?

Somehow I cannot find

How the mirror's broke

Though I've tried

When will my reflection show

Someone who's my size?

When will my reflection show

Someone who's... myyyyy siiiiiiiiiiiiize.

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Er... dude? Do dat were no 1 can hear you.

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** Oh well, maybe one day they'll realise my beauty!

_**-Rhys has left the conversation-**_

**...**

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Things are going to run so much smoother without that idiot Dalek in the way!

_**-Judoon 1 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 2 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 3 has entered the conversation-**_

**Judoon 1 says-** Where is he?

**Judoon 2 says-** Where is he?

**Judoon 3 says-** Is he here? Are you hiding him?

**Cyberman says-** Hiding who?

**Judoon 1 says-** Him

**Judoon 2 says-** The dark one

**Rassilon says-** eerm...no?

_** -Judoon 1 has left the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 2 has left the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 3 has left the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Well.. that was odd. Now, to get down to business.

**Billis says-** I can't be bothered

**Rassilon says-** I'm tired :(

**Cyberman says-** I need a wee

**Rassilon says-** **...**

**Mr Octagon says-** grrrr, okay, ten minute break, then I want you back here

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has left the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Gahh, I chose such pathetic idiots!

_(A/N: Another mulan one, I'll make a man out of you)_

Let's get down to business  
To defeat . Torchwood  
Did they send me good guys?  
When I asked, for bad ones?  
They're the saddest bunch  
I ever met  
But you can bet  
Before we're through  
Idiots I'll, make a minion  
out of you's,

Sneaky, and cunning  
Like a fox, or me  
Once you get some brains  
We will have, victory!  
You're a spineless, pale  
pathetic lot  
And most, of you, are fools  
Somehow I'll, make minions  
out of you's  
_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_  
**Billis says-** (What the fuck is this guy doing?)  
**Cyberman says-** (OMG he's really singing!)  
**Rassilon says-** (Well he can kiss goodbye to his dignity)  
**Billis says-** (He's still got me scared to death!)  
**Cyberman says-** (Hope he doesn't notice we're here!)  
**Rassilon says-** (Now I really wish that I knew how to printscreeeeeen!)

**Mr Octagon says- **Time is racing toward us  
till Torchwood. arrive  
Actually do what I say,  
and you might survive!  
You're unsuited for  
Even, play war  
So go read

a "how to" book  
Maybe that'd  
Make a minion, out of you's

(Be a minion!)  
We must plan and make

A big enterance  
(Be a man)  
We need to scare them

And make them hide  
(Be a minion!)  
With all the strength  
Of a thousand daleks  
And If we fail

Then I will end, your liiiiivvveeesss!

**Cyberman says- **...

**Rassilon says-** ...

**Billis says-** *coughs*

**Mr Octagon says-** ...Pretend you never heard me singing any of that.

...

_(A/N: And so we skip to the next day again)_

_**-Ben has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Allie-Rose has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Molly-Anne has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Ellie-Mae has entered the conversation-**_

**Ellie-Mae says-** He's only a few weeks old, and thanks to us he can type :D

**Molly-Anne says-** Yay!

**Allie-Rose says-** Something's not right...

**Ben says-** I know... it just feels... odd.

**Molly-Anne says-** Daddy feels it too, but Dad laughs at him

**Allie-Rose says-** I say we keep an eye out

**Ben says-** For what?

**Ellie-Mae says-** For anything that looks odd of course!

**Molly-Anne says-** Tosh alert!

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Ben says- **ewslfdijewkeflsd

**Sexy Techie says-** girls... why is Ben on a computer?

**Allie-Rose says- ** reiwojkl4tr,esfd;leesd gah :D

**Sexy Techie says-** Right, well say goodbye because we're going out :)

**Molly-Anne says-** wrkesfdj,esd bye :D

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Ben has left the conversation-**_

**Ellie-Mae says-** I want food.

**Molly-Anne says-** Me too. start crying!

_** Allie-Rose has left the conversation-**_

_**-Molly-Anne has left the conversation-**_

_**-Ellie-Mae has left the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 1 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 2 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Juddon 3 has entered the conversation-**_

**Judoon 1 says- ** Must find him.

**Judoon 2 says-** We will allow no more victims

**Judoon 3 says-** Find him, find him now.

_**-Judoon 1 has left the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 2 has left the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 3 has left the conversation-**_

...

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Hey guys! Did you here? The Doctor reckons there are aliens here!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Really Gwen? Wow. and there was me thinking we were fighting giant cuddly toys every day!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Oh you know what I mean! New ones. Dangerous ones...

**I love sex says-** Yeah, because most of the aliens we've fought so far haven't been dangerous at all...

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** yo fam

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Hi

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Listen guyz, i woz tinkin, dat we should have a karaoke session

**I love sex says-** ...?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well yeah, coz I caught Rhys singin and it sounded fun...

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...a karaoke? ...OKAY, I'LL START! II CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER YOU SHOULD LIVE OR-

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** NO NO NO NO THAT SONG STILL GIVES ME NIGHTMARES OF THE VALIANT!

**Here come the drums says-** I personally thought it was epic on the valiant.

**Martha says-** That was because you were winning.

**Here come the drums says-** Well, yeah...duh.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Okay you two, that's enough of the fighting!

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** GAHH! I just don't get why the Doctor would choose _him_ over me!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Same! I'm sooo much better for Jack then Ianto is!

**Martha says-** ...Karaoke?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Karaoke!

_(A/N: See if you can guess what song this is ;) )_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-**

There you see him

Sitting there outside the bay

He ain't got a lot to say

But there's something about him

And I don't know why

But I love how

he can't die

I wanna... kiss Jack Harkness

Yes, I want him

He is super hot and cute

And while there's no alien goo

I think I will ask him

It don't take a word

Not a single word

I'll just go... snog his face off

Sha la la la la la

My oh my

Look like he's in denial

That he wants to, kiss the girl

Sha la la la la la

Ain't that sad?

Ain't it a shame?

Too bad, he'll be stuck with the teaboy!

**Martha says-**

Now's your moment

When the Master's left the room

God I better do it soon

No time will be better

He won't leave the man

No he won't leave the man

Until I... snog his face off

Sha la la la la la

Don't be scared

The TARDIS will not care

So go on, kiss me Doctor!

Sha la la la la la

Don't stop now

Don't try to hide it how

You want to kiss me not him!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-**

Sha la la la la la

Come along

And listen to our song

You's want to, kiss us girls

Sha la la la la

The music play

Do what the music says

You got to, have sex with-

**Martha says-** Gwen! it's meant to be a safe for children song!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** oops, sorry... where was I? oh yeah-

You've got to kiss us girls

You's wanna kiss us girls

**Martha says-**

You've gotta kiss us girls

Go on and kiss us girls! and not Ianto or the Master because they smell and don't look as nice as us and we're so much better

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Nice finishing touch there!

**Martha says-** Why thank you!

_**-Martha has left the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ...o.O

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...is it just me... or are you really scared to go near them now?

_(A/N: And we skip once more to the next and final day in our 50th chapter :) If you're still reading... you must be as insane as me. Or just really, really bored.)_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Okay, minions, what have we found out?

**Rassilon says-** That asking Toshiko Sato for plans to kill them all will only earn in a slap and your computer system being shut down for three days straight :(

**Billis says-** ...well I've found out the hub is going to be completely empty tomorrow night, perfect for an attack

**Mr Octagon says-** Good work Billis! You always were my _favourite _minion

**Cyberman says-** Look at him, sucking up to the boss...

**Rassilon says-** It makes me sick...

_** -The Evil one has entered the conversation-**_

**The Evil One says-** Where is the Doctor?

**Mr Octagon says-** What will you give us if we tell you?

**Cyberman says-** He's at the torchwood base in cardiff!

**Rassilon says- **Idiot! You're not meant to tell him!

**Cyberman says-** Oh sorry, I mean, he's... er... somewhere we're not telling you!

**Rassilon says-** Yeah,what he said!

**Billis says-** -facepalms-

**Mr Octagon says-** Don't go annoying them now, they're team Red Eczema cream's to destroy!

**The Evil One says-** I will do what I like... stay out of my way, you foolish little ants...

_** -The Evil One has left the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** Well that wasn't very nice of him!

_** -The Evil One has entered the conversation-**_

**The Evil One says -** Wait a minute... you're called Team Red Eczema Cream?

**Mr Octagon says-** We're having trouble with name ideas, okay!

**The Evil One says- **Why not just... Team Evil?

**Mr Octagon says-** ...

**Billis says-** ...why didn't we think of that?

**Rassilon says-** oh yeah!...

**Cyberman says-** ...ours is better!

**Mr Octagon says- **Yeah!

**The Evil One says- ** You lot are the worst bad guys I've ever met.

_** -The Evil One has left the conversation-**_

**Rassilon says-** Just because we do't have the word "bad" or "evil" in our team name doesn't mean we're not all evil inside :'(

...

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay Donna, John, you called us all here, what is it?

**HartBreaker says-** We know the alien that's here!

**Here come the drums says- **TOLD YOU ALL SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT!

**Am I Bovered says-** Me and John were walking along pretending to be fish, like you do

**Sexy Techie says-** ...I don't wanna know.

**HartBreaker says-** When we saw a quick glimpse of one of them before they teleported

**Am I Bovered says-** Judoon!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Really? But what could they be looking for?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** They'd only come here for something major...

**I love sex says-** Maybe there's GOING to be something major here...

**Gwen is teh awesome says -** Maybe they want to hire one of us... I'D DO IT!

**Sexy Techie says-** Go stand in a corner Gwen.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Okay :(

_**-Judoon 1 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 2 has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Judoon 3 has entered the conversation-**_

**Judoon 1 says-** We have found the Doctor

**Judoon 2 says-** The Doctor has been found

**Judoon 3 says-** Doctor, where is he?

**Judoon 1 says-** We know you are hiding him.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Hiding who?

**Jackie Chan says-** Other then John and The Master we don't really have any criminals

**Sexy Techie says-** Yeah, and they'd never be stupid enough to do something like, I dunno, drug the queen...

**Here come the drums says-** ...

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** !

**HartBreaker says-** We were bored, okay?

**I love sex says-** o.O

**Judoon 1 says-** We know you know were he is.

**Judoon 2 says-** We know that you know he knows

**Here come the drums says-** Ah yes, but do you know that he knows what I know about what you know of what he knows which I know and you know we know what he knows about what we know about what you know regarding what he knows?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...I tink ma brain jus' fell out, innit...

**Judoon 1 says- **Don't try and confuse us with your earth riddles. Where is he?

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** WE'VE COME TO KILL YOU ALL!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Do you mind? We're kinda trying to have a meeting

**Cyberman says-** Oh we're so sorry!

**Jackie Chan says-** Can we reschedule?

**Rassilon says-** Of course!

**Billis says-** When are you free?

**I love sex says-** Let me just check my diary...

**I love sex says-** 5th of October okay?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says**-Around three-ish?

**Mr Octagon says-** Of course, see you then! Sorry for interupting, carry on.

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

**Judoon 1 says- ** anyway... WE KNOW HE IS HERE.

**Jackie Chan says-** WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

**Sexy Techie says-** WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Hahahaha...

**I love sex says-** Big C...you okay?

**BIG C,INNIT says -** Foolish mortals... it is _**I!**_ I have shielded myself amongst your group, and fitted myself into your circle of friends- you trusted me so much you would NEVER expect I would have another motive! The truth? _**I**_ am the evil one, and I will kill you alll!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...really?

**BIG C,INNIT says- **...nahh, i just thought it would b cool 2 pretend to b evil 'nd all dat...

**Judoon 2 says-** Okay, we believe you do not know the dark one

**Judoon 3 says-** We have searched the stars to find him

**Judoon 1 says-** He needs to be taken down...

**Judoon 2 says-** He is...

**Judoon 3 says-** ..._Davros. _

**BIG C,INNIT says-** :O! DUN... DUN...DUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

**Am I Bovered says- **Oi! You just ruined a really dramatic moment!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** sorry...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** say it again please

**Judoon 2 says-** umm... okay... he is...

**Judoon 3 says-** ..._Davros._

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **-dramatic fade out...-

_A/N: :O Oh dear... what will happen next? ...I dunno, I haven't worked it out yet. Hope you enjoyed the 50th chapter, and if you stuck out till the end, well done ;P review as always, (it is a special chapter after all xD) much love xxxxxx_


	51. Llamas and Paramedics

_A/N: Thanks for all of your lovely reviews for the 50th chapter :) Unfortunately there is no Davros in this chapter (I'm still deciding whether I want him to be evil... or just a fail at being evil) sorry! but he'll be here next chapter :) Thanks __**sliceless**__for this chapter, you gave me inspiration with something you heard this morning... This is set the day after the last chapter. Oh and... look up the llama song on youtube ;) xx_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Hello!

**Here come the drums says-** How're you? :)

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Well, I'm okay aside from the fact I'm FREAKED OUT! WHAT IF DAVROS TRIES TO KILL US ALL?

**Here come the drums says-** Ah, optimistic mood today I see.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** HOW CAN YOU NOT BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS?

**Here come the drums says-** I'm watching the llama song on youtube. How could I possible be worried about anything whilst watching the llama song?

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex with John has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** You see! This is why I hate you! You can never take anything seriously when you're meant to! Instead you're too busy listening to some bloody llama song!

**Here come the drums says-** ...Martha?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Yes?

**Here come the drums says-** _Fuck off._

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** You know what? No! We need to discuss our issues together like adults! You've still got so much pent up anger because I beat you at the valiant! We need to discuss it!

**Here come the drums says-** You know what? You're right. I'll start.

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Really? Ok then! :D

**Here come the drums says-** ...HERE'S A LLAMA, THERE'S A LLAMA AND ANOTHER LITTLE LLAMA, FUZZY LLAMA FUNNY LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA CHEESECAKE LLAMA, TABLET BAKED POTATO LLAMA-

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** GAHHHH! YOU'RE SO BLOODY ANNOYING!

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ...ANYWAYYY... what's up with the name Owen?

**I love sex with John says- **John changed it. He's very possesive

**Sexy Techie says-** Didn't he punch that guy who tried to touch you up in sainsburys once?

**I love sex with John says-** No, he shot him.

**Sexy Techie says- **...o.O  
_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** OMFG DAVROS! WHERE IS HE?

**Sexy Techie says- **Big C... the Judoon told us then left... he was never here.. remember?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nahhh man, he woz! I remembered coz it turns out he looked like dat guy off da waffles advert dat I HATE, and I remember kickin' him and den Tosh and Gwen bein' all like "oohhh Big C, u saved us!" den we had sex!

**Sexy Techie says- ...**

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...dat woz a dream, wozn't it?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yes, yes it was. Do you wanna know _how_ I know it was a dream? Because you slept over with me and Jack last night and all I could hear was "TAKE DAT WAFFLES, TAKE DAT!"

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...soz man. Wot does he look like anyway?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Ugly. I'll send you a picture.

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has sent BIG C,INNIT a file-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has accept the file from Timey Wimey Lord-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Ahh come on mate, I'm sure he's not DAT ugly...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** OMFG HE LOOKS LIKE MA MOTHER B4 SHE HAS HER DAILY FACIAL! WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHOW ME DAT DUDE, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH 1 PERSON CAN TAKE!

**I love sex with John says-** I know right? I'd definately fuck him.

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says- **WHAT?

**I love sex with John says-** Sarcasm babe, sarcasm. ...It's Ianto who wants Davros.

**Jackie Chan says-** IANTO! I LOVED YOU! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!

_** -Jackie Chan has been blocked-**_

_**-HartBreaker has been blocked-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Thanks Tosh :D

**I love sex with John says-** I love how much they care... but they care too much sometimes :P 

_**-The Paramedic has entered the conversation-**_

**The Paramedic says-** FEAR ME!

**Here come the drums says-** uhhhhh, dude? I think you may have clicked on the wrong chat.

**The Paramedic says-** No, I haven't! I'm here to kill you all! Except you of course, you're awesome.

**Here come the drums says- ...**

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** And... _why_ exactly are you here to kill us all?

**The Paramedic says- **BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO DEFEAT THE MASTER! AND THE MASTER IS MY IDOL!

**I love sex with John says-** **...**

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...Name?

**The Paramedic says-** Well, we already have "The Doctor" and "The Master" so I figured I'd be called "The Paramedic"! PROBLEM?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...bet you're enjoying this, aren't you dad?

**Here come the drums says-** Yes, very much so :D

**The Paramedic says-** I have been plotting for ages how to DESTROY you all, especially the Doctor, so I can have the Master all to myself!

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **Hey! He's mine :

**The Paramedic says-** Not for long, he's not!

**Here come the drums says-** I'm sorry mate, but I've never seen you before :/

**The Paramedic says-** But you must of! I was the one waving the massive I LOVE HAROLD SAXON poster when you were made prime minister, and I went to all your speeches, and posted love letters through your door every day! And I was the one that threw myself at the limo you were in! Remember? You were so kind to me!

**Here come the drums says-** OHHHH, YOU'RE THE CREEPY STALKER GUY!

**The Paramedic says-** You called me the creepy stalker guy... OMFG, MY IDOL GAVE ME A NICKNAME!

**Here come the drums says-** ...I swear I got my body guards to kick you out?

**The Paramedic says-** Well... yeah but... you touched me! You touched my 4th fingernail on my right hand! I haven't washed since!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**The Paramedic says-** I keep a shrine dedicated to you in my bedroom!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Okay that's it buddy, time to go! NO-ONE is allowed to keep a shrine dedicated to him but ME!

**I love sex with John says-** ...You keep a shrine dedicated to the Master?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** What? Er...no...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** (It'z ok bruv, I keep one too...)

**Sexy Techie says- **o.O

**The Paramedic says-** You can't kick me out! I know everything about you!

**Here come the drums says-** ...what's my real name?

**The Paramedic says-** ...OTHER then that! Don't you see, we're destined to be together! We have the same problem!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **...?

**The Paramedic says- ** We both have something driving us insane! They're in my head, all the time! I can't get rid of them, they just keep getting louder and louder and louder... I need them to stop, someone make them stop!

**Sexy Techie says-** But...

**Here comes the drums says-** It's not possible!

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **...o. mg.

**The Paramedic says-** They never leave! They call out to me, day in and day out. They are everything I have ever loved, but at the same time everything I've ever hated. The sound...

**Here come the drums says- **Oh dear god...

**The Paramedic says- ** ...of the drills.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...Drills?

**Here come the drums says- **Wow, and I thought I was fucked up.

**The Paramedic says-** Don't you see? Together we can make a perfect musical melody! The deep sound of drills combined with the heavy beat of drums! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE-

_**-The Paramedic has been blocked-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...well thank fuck for that. I can't handle three father, two is enough already

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Think he was telling the truth? About the drills?

**Here come the drums says-** Nahh. No way. Hearing drums in your head is one thing, but DRILLS? No-one's THAT mad.

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** Well no, because you both hear things which makes you just as mad as eachother and-

**Here come the drums says-** Martha? Kiss the girl re-write. Printscreen. Emailed to everyone you know. Gonna shut up?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** ...yes sir :/

_A/N: Done :D Any ideas for Davros, let me know xxxxx_


	52. Davros!

_A/__N: Thanks for all your reviews for the last chapter guys and thank you to everyone who reviewed the year that never was J now this is the chapter we meet Davros! J I had a lot of trouble deciding whether he should be evil or not, because I felt like there was a lot that I could d of o of done with both versions. So in the end, with help from an idea posted by a reader (Thank you _ **Rgg43C0m3dyHell**_!) I decided... to do both! :D both_

_**-BIG C, INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-The dark one has entered the conversation-**_

**The Dark One says-** Hello, Weevil...

**BIG C, INNIT says-**...sup :D

**The Dark One says-** I will be arriving at one pm exactly to talk to your team. Be ready.

**BIG C, INNIT says-**Um... I'm sorry but u need 2 make an official appointment if you're with da government, or if it's da police to moan on about ma driving...den I don't care, so go away.

**The Dark One sa6ys-** I am neither the government nor the police. I am something _far_ more sinister... MWAHAHAHA!

**BIG C, INNIT says-** ...Like those annoying crane machines that you can neva win on?

**The Dark Obne says-** What? No, something far more deadly.

**BIG C, INNIT says-** ...ma cooking?

**The Dark One says-** no.

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Dat annoying presenter on channel 5?

**The Dark one says-**I'M DAVROS YOU FOOL, DAVROS!

**BIG C, INNIT says-**...

**The Dark One says-** ...anyways... one o'clock. Be there.

_**-The Dark One has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C, INNIT says-** ...Well dat woz strange!

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex with John has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Hey Big C, what's up?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well man, I woz jus' sittin' here chillin', like ya do, nd Davros came outta no-where! He says he wants 2 meet uz at 1 o'clock

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** But it's five to now...

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh god...

**I love sex with John says-** What?

**Sexy Techie says-** You don't reckon he's a fail like team glow worm or whatever they're called these days do you?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** He's _davros_ Tosh, I highly doubt he's going to be an idiot.

**Sexy Techie says-** You never know...

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Guys, can you please back me up on this when I say the best way to get rid of Davros is _not_ to hit him with a _paintball gun?_

**Here come the drums says-** But it'll get paint on his shell and then he'll cry! I personally think it's genius.

**I love sex with John says-** No paintball guns.

**Here come the drums says-** oooohhhh :(

_**-The Evil One has entered the conversation-**_

**The Evil One says-** I...have arrived.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**I love sex with John says-** ...

**The Evil One says-** You're meant to, you know... scream in terror.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...ahhhh?

**The Evil One says-** Oh for gods sakes! Am I really not that scary?

**Jackie Chan says-** I dunno, you haven't really said anything scary yet...

**The Evil One says-** Okay... here goes... I'll... PUT A SPIDER ON YOUR HEAD!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** You are kidding, right?

**The Evil One says-** Wait wait wait, let me try again! I'll...EAT YOUR CHOCOLATE BAR!

**Here come the drums says-** I'm quaking. Really, I am.

**The Evil One says-** No need to be so sarcastic! Okay, last try... I'll... I'll... I'll... THROW CABBAGE AT YOUR HEAD!

**BIG C,INNIT says -** NO, PLEASE DON'T! THEY GIVE ME RASHES AND THEIR LETTUCE LIKE SHAPE SCARES ME! SERIOUSLY, PLEASE! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANYTHING!

**I love sex with John says-** ...

**Jackie Chan says-** ...?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...you were joking, right?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** psssshhhhhhhhh... yeah... course i woz...Becoz... wot idiot's afraid of cabbage? ...he...he...he...

**The Dark One says-** I never thought I'd say this but... I need your help.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** With what?

**The Dark One says-** Well, I was on holiday in Jamaica last year, just innocently tanning when all some idiot spilt orange juice over my controls and messed with my brain. Every evil thought and idea has gone! Just vanished! If I ever catch the idiot I'll... bake him a cake! GAHHH! You see what I mean?

**I love sex with John says-** It wasn't me that's for sure. I swear. I would have remembered. Or helped. And not ran away in the opposite direction. Because I'm not like that. Nope, I'm not that clumsy.

**The Dark One says-** So that's where you come in. There is a recipe, passed on through generations that apparently can turn me evil again. I have the recipe. However, the items on the list are things that only you would have. So that's why I need your help.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** And why on earth would we want to make you evil again?

**The Dark One says- **Listen here, you'll do what I say or I'll... knit you a jumper! Damm, I did it again! Seriously though, this goodness lark is driving me insane! Do any of you feel the pain I feel when I have to walk past an old granny without pushing her over? Or the agony I feel when I'm baking cakes for the homeless? Do you? DO YOU?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yes but you're missing the point... why would we want to help you become evil again... only to have you annihilate us all?

**The Dark One says-** ...because you get the thrill of trying to escape?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...fair enough.

**Sexy Techie says-** Ianto!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What? It's fun escaping death traps...

**The Dark One says-** None of you understand... shall I sing about it?

**Sexy Techie says-** NO!

**Here come the drums says-** NO!

**I love sex with John says-** NO!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** NO MORE SONGS!

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay fine, we'll help you.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wot do ya need?

**The Dark One says-** First, I need the armpit hair of a captain.

**Jackie Chan says-** Umm... okay... I'll... mail some?

**Sexy Techie says-** ...Who the fuck uses armpit hair in a recipe?

**The Dark One says-** Secondly, I need a toenail clipping of a technical genius.

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh dear god... I'll put one in a sandwich bag.

**The Dark One says-** Then, I need the pickled brain of a sewer rat.

**Here come the drums says-** Oh,oh, oh, I have that! :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...I don't even want to _know_ why you would have that.

**The Dark One says-** Fourth, I need a single Russian coffee bean

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** ...You ain't touching my coffee beans matey.

**Jackie Chan says-** Please?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** No.

**Jackie Chan says-** Please?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** No. ...okay.

**Sexy Techie says-** Jack... what did you just text him?

**Jackie Chan says-** Stuff that is not fit to be repeated on the site Tosh.

**The Dark One says-** Fifth, I need the saliva of a time traveller

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...take mine?

**The Dark One says- **And last, but not least, I need three jugs full of ear wax...

**Here come the drums says-** WTF?

**Sexy Techie says-** Who collects ear wax?

**I love sex with John says-** You'd have to be disgusting, un hygenic and just plain WRONG to-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'll send you over my jugs...

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...o.O

**BIG C,INNIT says-** WOT? Some people collect stamps, others collect figures, I collect ear wax, okay?

**The Dark One says-** And now... I mix it together! Mmmm,yes that's it... I can feel the evilness FLOWING through my veins... it's ebbing through me, I am powerfull, I am MIGHTY! I... AM EVIL.

**I love sex with John says-** ...I'm starting to think this isn't such a good idea after all...

**The Dark One says- **I feel evil again! The Darkness is taking over my spirit once more! But what to do? So many people to destroy... where do I start?

**Here come the drums says-** How about Gwen? Or Barney? Just someone who, ya know... isn't us please.

**The Dark One says-** For my FIRST act of evilness? _WEEVIL. LOOK OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR._

**BIG C,INNIT says-** U can't scare me man. Big C ain't afraid of NUTHING. ...OMFG!1 CABBBAGE! IT'S EVERYWHERE! THERE'S TRUCKS OF IT! GUYS, HELP!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says- **BIG C!

**The Dark One says-** And now... I am leaving to carry out my evil plan! But I think I'll take a certain coffee boy with me!

_**-The Dark One has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** IANTO!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** NO!

**Jackie Chan says-** Come back with him you bastard!

_**-The Dark One has entered the conversation-**_

**The Dark One says-** And I almost forgot...

**The Dark One says-** !

_**-The Dark One has left the conversation-**_

_A/N: Oh dear, what happens next? ;P Review as usual please :) Much love xxxx_


	53. THIS is why you don't kidnap Ianto

_A/N: Okay, from now on Davros is going to be properly evil... but even proper evil villains fail at being evil around torchwood... in the last chapter davros captured Ianto, and this chapter is going to be mostly Ianto-Davros talk. Davros is trying to scare Ianto, but if one of your fathers is the Master, you're not going to scare easily... PLUS... team TORCHtorchwood return xD xxx_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Davros has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **...remind me why I'm here again?

**Davros says-** Because I captured you, foolish mortal!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...I'm a timelord, actually. And what I meant was... I swear evil villains are meant to tie you to the ceiling dangling over a pit of piranhas as they tell you their evil plan or something? Rather then you know... lock me in a dark room with a laptop?

**Davros says-** because you see, the smallness and darkness of the room will make you uncomfortable, that plus the fact there is utter silence will slowly drive you insane, and I can still mock you on here without having to listen to your screams!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** That's a good idea!

**Davros says-** Why thank yo-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** In theory.

**Davros says-** What? It's genius! You're in the dark-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** There's light coming from the laptop, I can just wave it around the room...

**Davros says-** You're all alone!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I can just sign into msn and talk to the guys...

**Davros says-** Well...the silence will drive you mad!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Er, hello? Youtube!

**Davros says-** Well... erm... you'll... GO INSANE WITH BOREDOM!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Nope, playing bubble shooter. Man, it's addictive!

**Davros says-** You're meant to be crying in the dark!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** good point... I'll cry when I lose, how about that?

**Davros says-** You better start showing me some respect or I'll rip out your intestines!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** And what, eat them? Ever been to the Brecon Beacons by any chance? They'd like you :D

**Davros says-** I can do a lot worse then eat your intestines Mister Jones...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What, like make me play one of those annoying little crane game things-

**Davros says- **No no no, I am NOT going through this all again! Just... fear me, okay?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Bit crap isn't it, just _asking_ someone to fear you.

**Davros says-** I am ORDERING you to fear me!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Much better! Although having it all in capitals would have created a much better effect...

**Davros says-** Shut up and listen! I have captured you so that your pathetic little team will give me whatever I want in order to get you back... like the Dalek Technology in your archives!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Fancy doing a bit of filing for me while you're down there?

**Davros says-** What? No! I shall use the technology to bring all Daleks back into existance, where we shall... TAKE OVER THE EARTH!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** BBBBOOOORRRRIIINNNNG. Couldn't you do something about different? Like, I dunno...take over sainsburys? You could stop selling donuts and cause world wide panic.

**Davros says-** Are you taking this seriously?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** You're right, sainsburys is too small... go for mcdonalds, you'd look nice in a hair net.

**...**

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex with John has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** How'd da search go?

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **no good :(

**Here come the drums says-** We've searched everywhere!

**Jackie Chan says-** I miss him :(

**Sexy Techie says-** Don't worry guys, you know what Ianto's like, he's strong :)

**I love sex with John says-** But what if he's dying?

**Jackie Chan says-** Or being tortured?

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** Or being force fed broccoli?

**Billis says-** Seriously dude... just don't talk. Okay?

**Cyberman says-** Okay :(

**Mr Octagon says-** We are... Team The Fiery Red Fashonista Meat Deleter Hedgehogs! (we decided to mash together all our original ideas :D) And we're here to kill you all!

**Cyberman says-** But Caan isn't here anymore...

**Mr Octagon says-** Okay fine, The Red Meat Deleter Hedgehogs. Happy now?

**Sexy Techie says-** Er... guys?

**Rassilon says-** We could replace Fiery with evil?

**Jackie Chan says-** Seriously, we're kinda...

**Cyberman says-** Or maybe the "Human sandwich"?

**I love sex with John says-** Guys!

**Billis says-** Seriously, just... stop talking.

**Cyberman says-** :(

**Mr Octagon says-** We're staying as the Red Meat Deleter HedgeHogs and that's it!

**Sexy Techie says- **GUYS!

**Rassilon says-** What?

**Here come the drums says- **We're kinda busy trying to find Ianto! we don't have time to deal with you right now!

**Billis says-** Who's Davros?

**Cyberman says-** Bit of a funny name

**Mr Octagon says-** Better then "Melvin"

**Cyberman says-** Be quiet, my mother liked it!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Seriously guys, we don't care! Davros is a bad guy who's taken Ianto and we have to track him down!

**Mr Octagon says-** Wait... are you telling me... someone is trying to kill you... AS WELL AS US! :|

**Sexy Techie says-** oh dear...

...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** sooooo... what you gonna do with me?

**Davros says-** Just for being as annoying as you are, I have decided to kill you slowly by throwing you into a tank of lava.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Oh well, could be worse. I could be thrown into a vat of mushy peas.

**Davros says-** ...wth? The lava will fill your insides and leave you screaming for mercy!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeah, but that's better then my stomach being filled with disgusting green stuff leaving me screaming for some other form of vegetable!

**Davros says-** You...are the most annoying prisoner... ever.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I feel honoured :')

**Davros says-** You're so annoying!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** :D

**Davros says- **Stop doing that.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Stop doing what? :D

**Davros says- **Doing that! That annoying smily face! Like that - :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Sorry :D

**Davros says-** Stop it!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Okay :D

**Davros says-** STOP!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** :D

**Davros says- **STOP IT OR I'LL BOIL YOU IN OIL AND MAKE YOU EAT YOUR OWN LIVER!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** with ketchup? Yum :D

**Davros says-** GAHHHHHHHH!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** We're gonna have _so_ much fun together! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

**Davros says-** !

**...**

**Mr Octagon says-** THAT IDIOT!

**Jackie Chan says- **Ok calm down...

**Rassilon says-** HOW DARE HE!

**Sexy Techie says-** Ok guys, it's okay-

**Billis says-** WE'RE the only bad guys around here!

**I love sex with John says-** Really guys, it's okay, we can have plenty of evil-

**Mr Octagon says-** NO! IT'S NOT OKAY! We were here first! It's our job to destroy Torchwood, not his! We spend ages planning our evil plans, and yes, they may fail most of the time-

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Don't you mean all the time?

**Mr Octagon says-** -shut up, but we are the ones you should fear!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Soz dudes. May b u could annoy someone else instead?

**Cyberman says-** NO! NEVER!

**Mr Octagon says-** TORCHWOOD ARE OURS TO ANNOY! I never thought I'd say this but... we're going to help you defeat Davros. We want him out of the way so we can be the only ones trying to murder you!

**Here come the drums says-** Actually, they have loads of aliens trying to kill them everyday, so you still won't be the only-

**Jackie Chan says-** no, you're the only ones :D (we want Ianto found, so play along!)

**Cyberman says-** Go team human sandwich!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Seriously dude, even **I** tink u're annoying, and dats comin' from me!

...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** And THEN, I can braid your hair. even though you don't have hair

**Davros says-** Shut up...please...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** And THEN we can make friendship braclets!

**Davros says-** Please...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **And THEN, we can recreate scenes from starwars movies!

**Davros says-** Shut- actually, that doesn't sound to bad!-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** And THEN we can knit you a wig!

**Davros says-** SHUT UP!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** And THEN-

**Davros says-** GAHHHHHHHH!

_A/N: Ahhh, poor Davros :') Review as always please, much love xxxx_


	54. NEVER ask Mr O to write you a plan

_A/N: Chapter fifty four! :) Thanks to everyone who's stuck with this story and reviewed. Also, this continues on from the last chapter :D xxxxx_

_(Mr Octagon, Cyberman, Rassilon, Billis, Big C, Owen, Tosh, Jack, The Master and The Doctor are in this conversation in case you've forgotten)_

**Mr Octagon says-** Now let me make this perfectly clear, Torchwood. The only reason we're helping you is because we don't want any other bad guys trying to destroy your lives. That's our job!

**Jackie Chan says-** Can't we all just be friends?

**Here come the drums says-** What do you think this is Harkness, High School Musical?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** O MA DAYZ I LUV DAT FILM!

**Cyberman says-** I KNOW! AND THE BIT WHERE GABRIELLA AND TROY ARE DANCING IS-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** DAT'S DA BEST BIT MAN!

**Jackie Chan says-** Big C!

**Mr Octagon says-** Cyberman! You're meant to be a villian! Man up!

**Cyberman says-** Sorry :(

**Here come the drums says-** Guys! More important matters! So no offence Mr O, but... how exactly are you going to help us? Coz no offense but... you're not the most deadly guys on the block...

**Mr Octagon says-** I have a perfect plan that cannot fail! And what do you mean we're not deadly?

**Sexy Techie says-** Well you're not exactly... scary

**Rassilon says-** Yes we are! I'll have you know that an organisation has already given all their money to us, they were so afraid!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** The wool for hairless sheep organisation doesn't count, they're afraid of everyone.

**Billis says-** oh... well there are loads of others!

**I love sex with John says-** Tosh, aren't you meant to be picking Ben up from the baby sitters?

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh god, thanks Owen I didn't notice the time... Keep me updated?

**Jackie Chan says-** Course :)

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**...**

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** soooo... fancy letting me out?

**Davros says-** No. Your annoying-ness makes me want to kill you more.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- ** You find me annoying?

**Davros says-** Yes!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Huh. Weird. I think I'm quite a fun person to be around actually.

**Davros says-** For god's sakes shut up!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** That's mean. No, that's more then mean, that's BULLYING.

**Davros says-** Seriously, you're completely-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Did you know that most bullies only bully because they themselves have been bullied? Where you bullied as a child Davros? *pats head*

**Davros says-** What? No! I was feared!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Did they make fun of you because you have no legs?

**Davros says- **No, I used to have legs!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** And now you have a dalek base... where you the only one with legs Davros? Did everyone else have Dalek bases? Did you cut off your legs to fit in?

**Davros says-** No!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Unique is key dear Davros, unique is key. Hey! That rhymes! What else rhymes?

**Davros says-** Please don't...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **dumb Davros?

**Davros says-** No.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- ** Dissatisfaction Davros?

**Davros says-** Seriously. I'm holding you hostage here-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Delusional Davros?

**Davros says-** NO!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Dipstick Davros?

**Davros says-** OH for the love of-

...

**Here come the drums says-** Okay, tell us your plan

**Mr Octagon says-** First... we buy monkey suits.

**I love sex with John says-** Monkey suits?

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes, monkey suits. Because you see, if he catches us in the area, he'll know he's onto us. But if we lay low in disguise... he won't notice we know where he is!

**I love sex with John says-** Rightttt... and you think that ten people in monkey suits won't attract attention at all?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** WE COULD CARRY PLASTIC BANANAS!

**Cyberman says-** YEAH! THEN PEOPLE WOULDN'T SUSPECT ANYTHING!

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Mr Octagon says-** Next, we hire an icecream van, and sneak into Davros' lair. If we're in an icecream van and not the SUV he won't know it's us and won't suspect anything!

**Here Come The Drums says-** Yeah, because that wouldn't be suspicious at all. Who doesn't get ten people in monkey suits squashed up in an icecream van driving through their houses every day?

**Rassilon says-** Ignore him, I think it's brilliant! What's next boss?

**Mr Octagon says-** We make our way to the centre of the lair... and place a massive birthday cake in the centre of the room.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Yep. I'm seeing the logic. Doesn't sound like complete and utter crap at all!

**Mr Octagon says-** However, there is a timer in the birthday cake. When the timer goes off, the cake will change into a Dalek.

**I love sex with John says-** Wow. Sainsburys sell some fucking crazy stuff these days.

**Jackie Chan says-** I wonder how Ianto's getting on...

**Here come the drums says-** What if he's hurt? :(

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Or dying? :(

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Either way man, I reckon he's not havin' a good tym...

...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I'm having such a good time! Dinosaur Davros?

**Davros says-** NO.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Dopey Davros?

**Davros says-** Seriously, NO!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...dacnomania Davros?

**Davros says-** ...wtf does that mean?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Obsessed with Killing

**Davros says-** ...huh. Actually, that doesn't sound too ba-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** demonarchy Davros?

**Davros says-** NO! SAY ONE SINGLE WORD AND I WILL TEAR YOUR EYES OUT AND FEED THEM TO A BEAR!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...Demonosopher Davros?

**Davros says-** !

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** GAHHHHHHHHHHH to you too buddy :D

...

**Mr Octagon says-** ANYWAY, onto the next stage of the plane. Davros hears the Dalek and rushes to the source.

**I love sex with John says-** Yeeesss...

**Mr Octagon says-** So then... we go to find Ianto.

**Here come the drums says-** Finally!

**Mr Octagon says-** ...we reach the rope bridge linking the lair to the evil castle, set fire to the end of the bridge and drive against the clock up the rope bridge before the entire thing catches fire and we plunge to our deaths

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...o.O

**Billis says-** sounds like a great plan to me boss!

**Mr Octagon says-** Then, once we've reached the end of the bridge we find Ianto, find all the necessary pieces of equipment to make a hot air ballon, build it, and fly out. GO TEAM OCTAGON AND THE OCTAGETTES!

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**I love sex with John says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...

**Cyberman says-** ...I like the name! :D

**BIG C,INNIT says-** YEAH! IT SOUNDZ LIKE A PROPA BAND NAME 'ND EVERYTHING!

**Jackie Chan says-** Ermm... Mr Octagon.. we're really pleased you've decided to help, but... your plan... isn't very good.

**Mr Octagon says-** I think it's a great plan! Onwards!

**I love sex with John says-** Oh dear god, we're all gonna die...

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Davros has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** IANTO! YOU'RE BACK!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Hey guys :D

**Davros says-** I send you the address of where he is! Take him! I can't handle it anymore! He's a madman! He's driving me insane, just KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!

_**-Davros has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Ianto! You're back! I know you've only been gone for two days but you have no idea how much I missed you... never ever go and get yourself caught again Ianto, I've missed you too much! xxx

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Awww, Jack :') xxx

**Here come the drums says-** ...Nicely said Harkness.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Just, you know... don't do anything to him the two of us wouldn't approve of.

**Jackie Chan says-** I love you Yan...

**Mr Octagon says-** I'm going to be sick.

**Rassilon says-** Love... it's disgusting...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I love you to Jack...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...soz 4 ruinin' da moment and all... but I can burp standing on ma head!

**Cyberman says-** OMG! THAT'S SO COOL!

**I love sex with John says-** ...you know... that Cyberman reminds me of someone...

**Billis says-** Yeah, and that Big C of yours reminds me of someone I know, someone really annoying...

**Jackie Chan says-** ...nope, can't think of anything.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No, me neither.

...

**Davros says-** I have been defeated... but one day... one day I will get the torchwood team... they will regret the day they interupted my plans... they will DIE...

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. Bye Distraught Davros!

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_A/N: Review please :) Much love xxxxx_


	55. Celebrations

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys :) This one is dedicated to __**sliceless**__- happy birthday! Sorry it's late :P And seeing as it' is (well, was...) her birthday, this will follow a birthday theme... But who's birthday? ;] xxxx_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex with john has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex with John says-** Hey guys! How are we all?

**Sexy Techie says-** Alright :) Ben's playing with the building blocks you got him, thanks Owen :)

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ahh, so u'll let ma son play with OWEN'S gifts but not MINE?

**Jackie Chan says- **Well to be fair Big C, I wouldn't be too happy if someone came along and gave my baby a gun to play with.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ITZ SO BEN CAN KILL DA PPL DAT PISS HIM OFF, INNIT!

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Let's hope it's you, ay?

**Jackie Chan says-** I love how you always pop up whenever a sarcastic comment needs saying.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What can I say? I get it from my parents.

**Jackie Chan says-** Speaking of parents... where is-

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** You're still here? Run you fools, run while you cannnnnnnnn!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...Why?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** IT'S THE MASTER'S BIRTHDAY! RUN! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Oh yeah, I completely forgot! You see guys, my dad doesn't really celebrate his birthday. He doesn't really see the point seeing as he's had thousands of them.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** If only it was that bloody simple...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Dad was born on the same day as Frank Seturi, an alien. He died a couple of years ago. He was one of the universe's most wanted.

**I love with sex with John says-** whhyyy?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Because he made the biggest, deadliest bombs in the universe

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** So your father decides to celebrate Seturi's birthday instead of his own by dropping bloody bombs every year!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...oh dear.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** He's dropped them on a different planet every year, and this year it's earth! SO RUN!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** YOU CAN ALL COME UNDERGROUND 2 MINE INNIT, DEN DA BOMBS CAN'T GET US!

**Jackie Chan says-** You're willing to let thousands of people die... so long as you're safe?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah, pretty much. Gotta look after urslef 1st, den others, innit

**Jackie Chan says-** ...I agree! Let's go!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Jack!

**Jackie Chan says-** What? Every man for themselves...

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Hey guys!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** !

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...what's up with him?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** he's freaked out because he reckons you're gonna drop bombs all over the earth

**Here come the drums says-** Yeah, I am! :D Happy birthday to me! Where first... London or Japan?

**Sexy Techie says-** Neither!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** DROP 1 ON DAT ANNOYING GO COMPARE ADVERT MAN!

**Sexy Techie says-** BIG C!

**I love sex with john says-** Yeah... tosh? I wouldn't let him anywhere near Ben if I was you.

**Here come the drums says-** Look, it's my birthday! It's the one day of the year that I'm allowed to do anything I want!

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay, how about this... you can do anything you want as long as it doesn't wipe out nations or ruin lives. Okay?

**Here come the drums says-** ...anything?

**Jackie Chan says-** Anything.

**Here come the drums says**- ...fine.

**TWO HOURS LATER**

**Sexy Techie says-** JACK YOU IDIOT! WHY DID YOU TELL HIM HE COULD DO WHATEVER HE WANTED? YOU IDIOT!

**Jackie Chan says-** Sorry guys...

**Sexy Techie says-** HE MADE ALL MY COMPUTERS EXPLODE!

**I love sex with John says-** No he didn't.

**Sexy Techie says-** Well he re-wrote them so they hummed the barney theme song whenever you click anything! And in my book, that's almost as bad!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** HE TOOK MA DIRTY DANCING DVD :(

**Jackie Chan says-** WELL HE TOLD ME I COULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH IANTO ALL DAY!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** It's funny watching you when you're sex deprived :P

**I love sex with John says-** Well you're better of then all of the London museums.

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** He set fire to them all. And you know that massive statue of grilled cheese in the park near us?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeahhhh...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** He ordered two million and fifty to be made and all sent to Martha's home.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...rofl.

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

**Voice Of A Nightingale says-** IT'S NOT FUNNY! THE CHEESE IS REAL, AND NOW IT'S ATTRACTING BIRDS, SO MY GARDEN IS COVERED WITH PIGEONS! THEY'RE POOING EVERYWHERE, AND MY GARDEN GNOMES ARE COVERED IN SHIT! SO STOP FUCKING LAUGHING!

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...guess I won't be getting a birthday card from her then!

**Sexy Techie says-** LISTEN HERE YOU! CHANGE MY COMPUTER BACK OR I'LL-

_(A/N: Cuts to five minutes later, because an angry swearing tosh isn't fun ;) )_

**Sexy Techie says-** -AND THEN I'LL SET IT ON FIRE! OKAY?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ..o.O

**I love sex with John says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ...wow, you're scary when you're mad. Anyways, I've gotten bored of annoying you lot, so I'm off to annoy the government.

**I love sex with John says-** Here's any idea! Why don't you celebrate your birthday like a bloody normal person?

**Timey WImey Lord says-** Him? Normal? Good luck!

**Here come the drums says-** Okay... how do you celebrate a birthday normally then?

**I love sex with John says-** Well... there's usually cake... and presents...

**Here come the drums says-** Sounds boring.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Us weevils go out, get hammered and kill a couple 'a randoms.

**Here come the drums says- **I-

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No, you're not doing that.

**Here come the drums says- ** :(

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...sigh.

**I love sex with John says-** ...anyways, you could have a party!

**Here come the drums says-** And-

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** NO we cannot play pin the knife on the Gwen

**Gwen is teh awesome says- ** ....

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I personally think that sounds like a good party game...

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Nahh, pass da bomb is betta

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Don't encourage him.

**Jackie Chan says-** We could sing happy birthday?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** SIGGGGGHHHHH!

**Sexy Techie says-** ...problem gwen?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** oh, it's nothing... I wouldn't want to bother you...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Alright, back 2 da planning!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** But since you asked...

**I love sex with John says- **...who asked?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I was just thinking about all the party decorations in my wardrobe that have never been used, and how awesome it would be to have a party... but it's not like there's anyone here who wants a party...

**Here come the drums says-** Nope, you're right. there's no one here who wants a party.

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **IF ONLY it was someone's birthday today. IF ONLY it was a timelord's birthday today. IF ONLY-

**Here come the drums says-** GWEN...I don't want a party.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** But I invited all your best friend!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** And there was me thinking I was his best friend :(

**Jackie Chan says-** You can't be his best friend and his boyfriend, don't be greedy.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah, your best mate Dave. I invited him into the hub!

_**-Davros has entered the conversation-**_

**Davros says-** MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Hey Dave!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** THAT'S DAVROS YOU IDIOT!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** See, I thought that too... until he said his name was dave.

**Davros says-** Happy Birthday Master! I think I'll celebrate by... BLOWING UP TORCHWOOD!

**Here come the drums says-** FINALLY! SOMETHING IS GOING TO BE BLOWN UP!

**Davros says-** Wait... you want me to blow something up?

**Here come the drums says-** YES! I've been wanting something to explode all day!

**Davros says-** Well... that's gone and messed up my plan.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...you could stay and have some cake?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Yeah Dave, stay!

**Sexy Techie says-** For da last time, his name is DAVROS!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeah! Itz not lyk his real name is Dave but he changes it 2 Davros so he sounds more scarii or anyting!

**Davros says-** ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...OMFG YOU'RE CALLED DAVE?

**Davros says-** No... it's Davros... Dave is a stupid name... there's no way my name's dave...

**Here come the drums says-** You know what? I'm leaving! I'm sick of sitting around here discussing stupid birthday parties. I'm off to celebrate my birthday in style!

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**...**_

**The Next Day**

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** So what did he do?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Went back in time, grabbed some dinosaurs and dumped them in the middle of Cardiff.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...Ah.

_A/N: Review please :) Much love xxxxxx_


	56. Smart?

_A/N: 503 REVIEWS! I bloody love you guys :') xx It's an ordinary day. The Torchwood gang are talking on MSN when Gwen enters the conversation. And as she begins to talk, the guys are shocked. Because Gwen... has turned SMART. xxxx_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Hey guys! :D Has anyone seen Gwen? I'm kinda worried about what she's up to.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Oh yeah, I sent her out half an hour ago for spinach flavoured candyfloss.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist...

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nahh man, I had it once. It was munch!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Spinach flavoured candyfloss doesn't exist. But she's such a dumb arse, she'll spend all day looking for it, hence getting us out of her hair.

**BIGN C,INNIT says-** W8... if Spinach flavoured doesn't exist den wot did I eat? I found it on da floor, and it was kinda greeny browny and da Master told me it was candyfloss so I ate it! Thinkin' bout it, it did taste a little funny...

**I love sex says-** ...*sniggers*

**BIG C,INNIT says- **So if it wasn't candyfloss den wot... wait a minute... ewww man, dat's disgusting! I'm gonna kill dat man when I see 'im!

_**-E=MC2 has entered the conversation-**_

**E=MC2 says-** I laugh at your stupidity.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I ain't stupid! Just slightly dumb in a cute kinda way!

**E=MC2 says-** Pah! You're about as intellectual as a teaspoon.

**I love sex says-** Erm... who are you?

**E=MC2 says-** I am Gwyneth Elizabeth Cooper.

**Sexy Techie says-** GWEN?

**E=MC2 says-** I prefer Gwyneth.

**Jackie Chan says- **SINCE WHEN?

**E=MC2 says=** Since I finally rescued myself from the clutches of the idol.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...

**Jackie Chan says-** But your name isn't Gwyneth! It's Gwen!

**E=MC2 says-** Yes, but Gweneth sounds as sharp as myself.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...Gwen... wot's up?

**E=MC2 says-** Please, speak to me in proper english.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** But dis is propa english!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Sure Big C. sure it is.

**E=MC2 says-** Your failure at the ability to speak the english language astounds me.

**Sexy Techie says- **Gwen... I mean- Gwyneth... are you okay?

**E=MC2 says-** Why I feel marvellous Tosh. I have merrily discovered who I really am.

**Jackie Chan says-** And who you really are is...

**E=MC2 says-** A question mark was required at the end of that sentence. And to answer your question, I have finally discovered how smart I really am.

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** GWEN?

**Here come the drums says-** SMART?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** You wish Cooper!

**Here come the drums says-** Yeah! Don't you remember that time you cried because you finally found out Santa was just your parents?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Or the time you put down all those mouse traps to catch the mouse in the hub and didn't leave yourself a pathway so you were standing surrounded by mouse traps for like six hours?

**Jackie Chan says-** Or the time you managed to set fire to your computer because you thought if you held a match to the screen a picture of a fire would come up on the screen?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Or the time we managed to convince you that we were all called Bob, and you called us that for two weeks?

**Sexy Techie says-** Or the time you fell in the duck pond because you were leaning forward to see the "woman in the water who looks exactly like me!"

**BIG C,INNIT says-** HAHAHA, Or da tyme when we told you dat ladies thought da macarena woz cool, so you stood in da centre of da shopping centre doing it for half an hour! LOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

**I love sex says-** Big C...that was you.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...oh.

**E=MC2 says-** Anyway, I've moved on. I've discovered the real, smart me.

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Oh yeah? If ur so smart den what's-

**E=MC2 says-** There are approximately 28 pieces of pepperoni on a "Pizza Shack" Pepperoni Pizza.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wow... she is smart! She can predict da future!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Well to be fair, anything you ask revolves around either sex, food or how to spell words like "Orange".

**I love sex says-** So how did you get all smart then?

**E=MC2 says-** I'm not quite sure. I just woke up feeling a strong desire to do some maths equations.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** That does sound very unlike you...

**Here come the drums says-** We need to figure out who's done this to you...

...

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** Hey Big C! :D

**Rassilon says-** Not now!

**Cyberman says- **...sorry :(

**Mr Octagon says-** it was US! TEAM CATAPULTING NINJA FARMERS!

**Rassilon says-** I chose the name :D

**Jackie Chan says-** :O! I should have known! why did you do it?

**E=MC2 says-** yes! Why did you feel the need to alter my IQ to an above averag-

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** No one likes a smartarse. Especially a smartarse called Gwen.

**Mr Octagon says-** I'd of thought it would be obvious!

**I love sex says-** Well it's not, so explain.

**Mr Octagon says-** Well, it was simple. You know you the artifact Big C touched?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wot, da one Ianto stuck a post it on with "BIG C, DON'T TOUCH THIS ARTIFACT, IT'S FROM MR OCTAGON SO IT'S PROBABLY BOOBY TRAPPED. DON'T TOUCH IT" on- I mean... I have no idea what you're talkin bout. I ain't touched no artifact.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ... -facepalms-

**Mr Octagon says-** Well, I knew Big C would be stupid enough to touch it...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'm not stupid! do you guys think im stupid?

**Sexy Techie says- **no...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** You're just...

**Here come the drums says-** very...

**Jackie Chan says-** erm...

**I love sex says-** Forgetfull at time. Yeah, that's it.

**Billis says-** ANYWAY, we knew the bumbling idiot would touch it. So it then releases an invisible beam at Gwen, triggering the particles in her brain, and making her smart.

**E=MC2 says-** I must say, it's a rather good plan...

**Sexy Techie says-** What if the beam hadn't hit Gwen?

**Cyberman says-** It would. It's attracted to the stupidest person in room.

**Mr Octagon says-** ...but seeing as Big C was the one who activated it, it moved it's attention to the second most stupidest person.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** HEY BRUV!

**Jackie Chan says-** But... why would you want to make Gwen smart?

**Mr Octagon says-** So that then we could use her smarts to take over Torchwood!

**Sexy Techie says- **But...Gwen touched the artifact last night. Doesn't something like that only last a couple of hours before it wears off?

**Mr Octagon says-** ...damm, I hadn't thought of that.

**Billis says-** RETREAT!

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

**E=MC2 says-** OH NO! I CAN FEEL IT! MY SMARTNESS! IT'S LEAVING! NO! IT'S MELLLTTIINNNGGG! IT'S !

**Here come the drums says-** ...well this isn't disturbing at all.

**E=MC2 says-** NOOOOOOOO! IT'S GONE! IT'S ALL GONE!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Dat's wot I said when ma cake ran out.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** It's okay Gwen, we think you're smart

**E=MC2 says-** Really? :')

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **lol, JK you're Gwen.

_A/N: Review pllleeeassseeee :) Much love xxxx_


	57. You'll be okay Caan

_A/N: I made a promise to myself that I'd never rewrite another disney song for this fic. ...Meh. Rules are made to be broken. The songs part of your world, from the little mermaid xxx_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Hey guys :) What we all up to?

**AM I Bovered says-** . The coolest thing ever happened to me today. I was talking to Jane from the post office and she said-

_**-Dalek Caan has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Caan says-** I WANNA BE A GIRL! :(

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Jane has issues.

**Am I Bovered says-** Do you MIND? I'm trying to tell a story here!

**Dalek Caan says-** But...I'm sad!

**Am I Bovered says-** And I'm ginger, you don't see me interupting people's stories to moan about it! So shut it, alien boy! Anyways... so me and Jane were at the post office when-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wot's up C man?

**Am I Bovered says-** Just completely ignore me. It's K. I don't mind.

**Dalek Caan says-** I don't wanna be C man... I WANNA BE A GIRLLLL! :'( :'(

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Oh really? Speak to Jane. She shares your pain.

**Jackie Chan says-** Care to elaborate Caan?

**Dalek Caan says- **Well, as you all know my sex swap operation was a success, and I spent two joyful months as Dalek Cynthia. Then Mr O and his crooks came along and changed me back :( I wanna be a girl again but my reproductive organs are stopping me!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...Daleks have reproductive organs? ...Scary thought.

**Dalek Caan says-** Nobody understand the pain I'm going through.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** U'll be ok man. Jus look on da bright side.

**Dalek Caan says-** For me? Being a man has no bright side.

**HartBreaker says- **Sorry dude, but you're just gonna have to live with it. Although, I bought a new knife recently and if you're really that desperate I'm perfectly willing to try it out on-

**I love sex says-** NO JOHN. No knives.

**HartBreaker says- ** :(

**Dalek Caan says-** I can't live like this. ...I'm going to sing a song.

**Jackie Chan says-** Oh god, here we go again.

**Am I Bovered says-** So long as it ain't ABBA AGAIN I don't care.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Look, I was drunk and there was a karaoke machine nearby, kay?

**Dalek Caan says-**

Look at this stuff  
Isn't it neat?  
Wouldn't you think my shoe collection's complete?  
Wouldn't you think I'm the guy  
The guy who has, everything?

Look at this shelf

Earrings of gold

How many wonders can one wardrobe hold?  
Looking around here you'd think  
I have got... brilliant taste.

I've got braclets and watchess a-plenty  
I've got rings and sunglasses galore  
You want a D&G bag? I've got 20!  
But who cares?  
No big deal  
I want more

I wanna be where the woman are  
I wanna watch  
Wanna watch catwalk tv shows  
Without, everyone calling,  
Me a freaaaakkkkk

Dressed like a girl you don't get too far  
Female parts are required for using girls toilets,  
strolling along down the  
female dressing room stalllllsssss

Want to be Daphne not Dan  
Davina not dave  
Want to have smooth legs because most women shaveeeee  
Wearing a skirt  
Not some manly shirt  
Want to be a giiiirrrrlllll

What would I give  
If I could have lived  
As not a son but a daughter?  
What would I pay  
To spend a day  
Not stuck being a man?  
Bet'cha women  
They understand  
Bet they won't, laugh at me for dreaming.  
Bright young women  
Want to start slimming  
Ready to fit my bikiniiiiiiiiii

I'm ready to know what the women know  
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers  
How's a period, and how much  
Does it usually, huuuuuuuurrrrrttttt?  
When's it my turn?  
Wouldn't I love  
Love to ditch boxers for womanly gloves?

I'd be filled with glee  
If I could be  
Turned into a girlllllllllllll

I don't know when  
I don't know how  
But I'm saving for a sex change right now  
Watch and you'll see  
Someday I'll be  
A permanent...  
.  
_**-Dalek Caan has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** ...That was...a tad creepy.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I feel a bit sorry for him though

**I love sex says-** Yeah... maybe we could raise money for him to have a sex change?

**BIG C,INNIT says** **-** You seen how much those things cost? I vote we let John do it with the knife.

**HartBreaker says-** Yay! :D

**Jackie Chan says-** No! It's too dangerous! We'll just get the money. I'm sure it's not that much!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It's like £10,000

**Jackie Chan says-** ...John, polish your knife.

**HartBreaker says-** WOO! :D

**Am I Bovered says-** You cheap skate Harkness!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Meh. Caan will be fine.

**HartBreaker says-** I've done this kinda thing before anyway

**Sexy Techie says-** really?

**HartBreaker says-** Yeah. Three times. They all failed... but fourth time's the charm! :D

**Sexy Techie says-** ...o.O

**2 hours later**

**Sexy Techie says-** How's it going Owen?

**I love sex says-** I dunno. All I can hear is a knife scraping and manic laughter.

**Jackie Chan says-** Wow, John's really getting into this!

**I love sex says-** Actually, it's Caan.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...That worries me slightly.

**I love sex says-** Caan's just left!

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Success!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wowza! Well done man!

**HartBreaker says- **Why thank you :D

_**-Dalek Cynthia has entered the conversation-**_

**Dalek Cynthia says-** Hey guys! I finally feel normal again! :D

**Sexy Techie says-** Good to hear! :D

**Dalek Cynthia says-** Thank you :D And you're sure everything's right John?

**HartBreaker says-** Definately. 100% sure

**Dalek Cynthia says-** Well I'm off to join every club for females in my area . Bye guys! xxxx

_**-Dalek Cynthia has left the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** And you're sure everythings okay John?

**HartBreaker says-** Yep

**Am I Bovered says-** Thank god for that ay?

**HartBreaker says-** Wait...the ovaries are meant to be stuck to the ears aren't they?

**Jackie Chan says-** No...

**HartBreaker says-** ...oops.

_A/N: Review please ;D Much love xxxxxx_


	58. Tommy!

_A/N: Sorry for the wait guys, I've been really busy recently. xxxx_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Hey guys! Just thought I'd let you know that I managed to stick Caan's ovaries back to where they were meant to be :D

**Jackie Chan says-** It's gonna take me a while to get used to calling him Cynthia…

**I love sex says-** I know… Oh well. At least he's happy.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** …has anyone seen Big C?

**I love sex says-**Isn't he at the care home near him visiting his Nan?

**HartBreaker says-**…?

**I love sex says-** It's an undercover care home for aliens. She has arthritis of the left ear

**HartBreaker says-** …Okkaaaay…

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Oh well, it doesn't matter. I just wanted to see if he'd finished his report.

**Jackie Chan says-** Where's Tosh? I haven't seen her all day

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** She and The Doctor have brought the kids to the zoo, so it's just us lot

**HartBreaker says-** …something isn't right.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** What do you mean?

**HartBreaker says-** We're eleven sentences into the conversation and nothing strange has happened yet.

**Jackie Chan says-** God John, we can have a normal conversation once in a while you know! Today's clearly just going to be one of those days where nothing stupid happens.

_**-Grandmomma C has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C, INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C, INNIT says-** GUYYYZZZ! MA grandma made a prophecy during Elderly Bingo Hour!

**Jackie Chan says-** …or not.

**BIG C, INNIT says- **Da home called me up, innit. She woz having a propa fit, knocking her oatmeal everywhere and every ting.

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** I don't blame her. Oatmeal should go die.

**BIG C, INNIT says-** And she woz chanting da same ting ova and ova again.

**Jackie Chan says-** So what was she saying?

**Grandmomma C says-** HE IS COMING! HE IS COMING FROM THE DARKNESS! THE SLAVE IS ARRIVING TO SERVE HIS MASTER! HE WILL LEAD DAVROS' DARK ARMY OF SOLDIERS THROUGH THE STREETS! HE WILL APPEAR BEFORE US THREE TIMES. FIRST AS A STRANGER, THEN AS A MIRACLE, AND THEN AS A LOVER. HE WILL APPEAR THREE TIMES, AND THE FOURTH TIME WILL CAUSE THE DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH!

**BIG C, INNIT says-** ...dat.

**HartBreaker says-** …sounds fun.

**Grandmomma C says-** HE WILL FILL THE STREETS WITH BLOOD! HE SHALL STAND BY HIS LEADER AS THE KINGS OF NEW EARTH! THE EARTH WILL BE BROKEN! HE WILL COME! HE WILL COME THREE TIMES! FEAR HIM! FEAR HIM! (Oh and Cornelius, your mother says please put all your dirty underwear in the laundry basket, they've been under your bed for days.) FEAR HIM! FEAR HIM!

_**-Grandmomma C has left the conversation has left the conversation-**_

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Wow, your Granny's a charmer.

**I love sex says-** WHAT DO WE DO?

**Jackie Chan says- **Oh come on guys, your not telling me you believe what every that insane old lady says?

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Oi! She ain't insane!

**HartBreaker says- **…Isn't she the same Nan who uses a dead fish as a toilet brush because it "scares away the spirits?"

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-**Bet it scares away any tourists who ask to use her toilet as well.

…

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says- **Okay troops, TODAY will be the day we destroy Torchwood

**Cyberman says-** Hurray! :D

**Rassilon says-**What's the plan Sir?

**Mr Octagon says-**Well, first-

_**-Tommy Has entered the conversation-**_

**Tommy says-** Is this earth?

**Billis says **-Yes. Wales to be precise

**Tommy says-** perfect...

**Cyberman says-** MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Mr Octagon says-**?

**Cyberman says-** I dunno, I just figured it fitted in the conversation….

**Mr Octagon says-** Listen stranger, we were in the middle of a conversation so clear off. You don't wanna get on the bad side of us.

**Tommy says-** …Who is "us"?

**Cyberman says-** We're team Hubba chubba thinga thong!

**Mr Octagon says- **I was up all night making up that one. I think it's a winner.

**Tommy says **-…you're all ever so slightly idiotic.

**Rassilon says-** Hey!

**Tommy says-** I will leave you now. I have no time for petty games. I have a certain team to destroy….

_**-Tommy has left the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** That was so rude! :O

**Billis says-**Should we warn torchwood?

**Mr Octagon says- **No… not yet. But I say we keep an eye on that man…

**Cyberman says-** Yeah!

**Rassilon says-** No one upsets team Pickled Porcupine and gets away with it!

**Mr Octagon says-** For the last time Rassilon, we're team HUBBA CHUBBA THINGA THONG!

….

_** -Sexy Techie has entered the conversation=-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** um…. Oh my Buddha oh my Buddha Oh my Buddha?

**Sexy Techie says-** Now is not the time for a sarcastic comment! TOMMY'S BACK! (From To The Last Man :) )

**I love sex says-** …Tommy?

**Jackie Chan says-** Time slip Tommy? Tommy you had a thing going on with Tommy?

**Sexy Techie says-** No, the Tommy from the corner shop. Of course Tommy who came from the time slip Tommy!

**Jackie Chan says-** But… how?

**Sexy Techie says- **I don't know, but he was right there in front of The Doctor and me in the queue going to the zoo! We were crying and hugging, it was so sweet! He's coming now to say Hi!

**I love sex says-** Tosh... are you sure it's not an impostor?

**Sexy Techie says- **No, it's definitely my Tommy.

_**-Tommy has entered the conversation-**_

**Tommy says-** Hello all!

**Sexy Techie says-** Tommy! Oh I've missed you! :')

**Tommy says-** I've missed you too Tosh, I've missed you too

**BIG C, INNIT says-** How do we no Ur da real Tommy Huh? Huh?

**Tommy says-** Um... Well…

**HartBreaker says- **He has a point….

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Itz cool guyz, I got this one….

….

….

….

….

…HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING BEHIND MY BACK?

**Tommy says-**Um...three?

**BIG C, INNIT says-** WOW! HE REALLY IS THE REAL TOMMY!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** … –facepalms-

**Sexy Techie says-** Come on Tommy, I wanna show you round the place again J

**Tommy says-** See you later guys! J

_**-Tommy has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-**…you know that deep feeling in your guts? The one that tells you even though everything may look normal, something's seriously wrong?

**I love sex says-** yes….

**Jackie Chan says-** …I got that this morning. I think I may have left the tap on.

**THE NEXT DAY. (Same characters as before)**

_**-Tommy has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-**Guys, we have great news….

**HartBreaker says-** What?

**Sexy Techie says-** Well, we went back to mine last night, and Ben really seems to love Tommy, and seeing as he's here for good…. We're going out. He's moving in!

**Jones, Ianto Jones says-** Congrats the pair of you! J

**Tommy says-** Thanks mate J

**I love sex says-** I say we go celebrate!

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Tommy has left the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-**When we first saw him again he was just a friend…. Then we saw him again and he was a lover… nope, doesn't sound familiar at all!

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-Tommy has entered the conversation-**_

**Tommy says-**Yes! They believed me! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH-

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C. INNIT says-** You alright man?

**Tommy says-** Yes, I, um, just had a tickle in my throat that's all.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Listen, I woz talking to ma new bestie Cyberman, nd he said dat u'd met him and his team?

**Tommy says-** Yeah, briefly. They didn't know me. It was before I went online to you lot

**BIG C, INNIT says-** Wait a minute! The first time we met u… u were a stranger… the second time we met u… u were a friend… and the third time a lover! This means- this means! …I don't know what this means.

**Tommy says-** It means… I AM THE MAN IN THE PROPHECY!

**BIG C,INNIT says- :O!** I'm telling Jack!

**Tommy says **-I wouldn't if I was you…. You see, I have your grandmother…

**BIG C,INNIT says-** NOT GRANDMOMMA C!

**Tommy says-** And she's attached to a very pretty device…. The second you even think about blabbing? I click the button in my pocket and she's force fed oatmeal.

**BIG C,INNIT says-**:O :O :O! She HATES oatmeal! You FIEND!

**Tommy says-** Run along now Cornelius! Run back to your team…..

**BIG C,INNIT says- **BUT-

_**-BIG C,INNIT has been blocked-**_

**Tommy says- ** Where was I? Ah, yes…. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_A/N: o.O DUN DUN DUN! Review as always please __J__ Much love xxxx_


	59. To blink, or not to blink?

_A/N: Sorry I haven't reviewed in a while. During the past couple of days I've gone through quite a depressing phase, thinking everything I write isn't rubbish, and I really lost faith in myself. I made a decision to delete all my stories, but at the last minute I decided to have another final go. It was really difficult to pick up the pen and try again, so this chapter's been difficult to write :/ Hopefully you think it's alright, and hopefully there will be more xxx_

_**-Davros has entered the conversation-**_

**Davros says-** My plan is working brilliantly! I hypnotised that stupid Tommy boy into being my minion, gaining access to the Torchwood Team! Now all I need to do is watch as the Torchwood team slowly crumble at my feet! They will burn! They will all burn! Mwahahahaha! Mwahaha! Mwaha-

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** What will burn? Your cookies?

**Davros says-** No! Torchwood!

**Here come the drums says-** ...Why?

**Davros says-** Because I will burn them!

**Here come the drums says-** why?

**Davros says-** Because I want to destroy you all! Now, unfortunately, you know my evil plan regarding Tommy. So I'm afraid I'll have to do exactly what I did to that annoying weevil of yours and keep you quiet!

**Here come the drums says-** What did you do to Big C? :O

**Davros says- **I kidnapped his grandmother!

**Here come the drums says-** :O! Well, you can't blackmail me matey!

**Davros says-** Oh yes I can? Who to kidnap? The Doctor? Hmmm, no, he's too clever, he'd find a way out. Ianto? No, I'm not putting myself through that emotional trauma again. Aha! THE BABIES! I WILL TAKE YOUR DAUGHTERS AND USE THEM AS BAIT! MWHAHAAHAHAH!

**Here come the drums says-** Okay, sure.

**Davros says- **What? You don't care?

**Here come the drums says-** Nope. Do what you like with them.

**Davros says-** I will take the children! MWAHAHAHAHA! Wait... they know how to use guns, don't they?

**Here come the drums says- **Yep.

**Davros says-** ...damm. Just... keep quiet okay!

_**-Davros has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **Hey guys!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** There are people in here, right?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Because it says I have no contacts online.. but I don't know what online means.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Or contacts.

_**-Tommy has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Hey sexy, wanna have sex?

**Tommy says-** ...

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What can I say? I like sleeping with my team mate's partners, because I'm a man stealer like that.

**Tommy says-** ...Doesn't Rhys mind?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Rhys knows nothing.

_** -Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Rhys says- **Guys... Amphibians are the stuff you put in your tea, right?

**Tommy says-** ...Point proven.

_**-Tommy has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Hey Rhys, I'll give you a doughnut if you leave.

**Rhys says- **Ooooh, Doughnut!

_**-Rhys has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** So Tosh, how are things going with Tommy?

**Sexy Techie says-** They're going great thanks Jack. We went that Italian place :)

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Ooooh, get you! ;)

**I love sex says-** Just leave. No one likes you.

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** :( You know that feeling you get when no one likes you?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...Nahh.

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **Why is it they like you, and not me? I mean, you have the personality of toe fungus!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yumm, fungus :D

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** And you're disgusting!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wellz, da success to it babycakez, iz dat u don't-

_**-Weeping Angel has entered the conversation-**_

**Weeping Angel says-** BLINK.

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **Okay! I'm off to sellotape my eyes open! :D

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** No wait, Gwen! Come back! Awww man!

**Weeping Angel says-** blink. Go on, you know you want to. Blink. Blink. Blink.

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**TImey Wimey Lord says-** Don't blink Big C! It's been sent by someone! Blink, and it'll teleport you to their lair!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** But... it can't see me!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** It could be anywhere! DON'T BLINK!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** But-

**Weeping angel says-** BLINK.

**Sexy Techie says-** DON'T BLINK

**BIG C,INNIT says-** But it just said to-

**Weeping angel says-** BLINK.

**I love sex says-** DON'T BLINK!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** But-

**Weeping angel says-** BLINK.

**Jackie Chan says-** DON'T BLINK!

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** EAT DOUGHNUTS! :D

**Sexy Techie says-** FUCK OFF!

**Rhys says-** :(

_**-Rhys has been blocked-**_

**Weeping angel says-** BLINK.

**BIG C,INNIT says- **GAHHHH, I'M SO CONFUSED MAN!

**Here come the drums says-** -facepalms-

**Weeping Angel says- **Come on... my master wants to see you... blink.

**Sexy Techie says-** Come on Big C... you can do it!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Really...need... 2 blink... I no what'll make it betta! FLASHING LIGHTS!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** NO! Just don't loose concentration Big C!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** :O I NEVA loose- hey, I can click my third toe! Wait... what were we saying again?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** -facepalms as well-

**Weeping Angel says- **BLINK!

**Sexy Techie says**-DON'T DO IT BIG C! DON'T LET IT CONVINCE YOU!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I CAN NEVA BE SWAYED! NEVA! I WILL NOT BLINK!

**Weeping Angel says-** Blink and I'll give you a sandwich

**BIG C,INNIT says-** NO! ...wait...is it tuna?

**Here come the drums says- **oh for-

**Weeping Angel says- **...yes,

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...okay,sure ! :D

**I love sex says-** BIG C, DON'T!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

_**-Weeping Angel has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** I don't believe it!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I do. What other idiot would trade his life for a sandwich?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Who did this?

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** It was us! :D Team... CHINESE PETAL FARTS!

**I love sex says-** ...Really?

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Rassilon says-** Dude... it wasn't us.

**Cyberman says-** ...oh. My bad, it wasn't us.

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Tommy has entered the conversation-**_

**Tommy says-** It was...ME! MWAHAHAHAH!

**Sexy Techie says-** Tommy?

**Tommy says-** Yes, I have been working for Davros all along! And you foolish people believed I was just a sweet, innocent man! What fools you all are!

**Sexy Techie says-** Tommy? :(

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** There's no way Tommy would do something like that!

**Tommy says-** Well clearly I have! Goodbye Torchwood! See you on your death day!

_**-Tommy has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** NNOOO! :(

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm sorry Tosh :(

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** It's okay Tosh, he's obviously under a spell or something.

**I love sex says-** We'll get him and Big C back!

**Sexy Techie says-** It just feels like every man I ever love always turns out to be evil or crazy... :(

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Awww, Tosh...

**Here come the drums says-** ...So who wants noodles?

**Jackie Chan says- **...I do!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Me too!

**I love sex says-** And me!

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** ...meh. Noodles sound good.

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_A/N: Hopefully that was alright :) Review please :) Much love xxx_


	60. Rapping!

_A/N:This was MEANT to be the next chapter... but I just had to put it in now xD Review please :) Alsooo, remember in this the Doctor doesn't die so he doesn't know who Amy is (who I'm not too fond of either xD Donna all the way ;) ) xxxx_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the converesation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says- **Master, Doctor, there you two are! Where have you been? We were meant to be out looking for Big C!

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **We... we were... um...

**Here come the drums says-** ...Eating Chicken

**Sexy Techie says-** You should be out looking!

**Jackie Chan says-** Yeah guys!

**Here come the drums says-** You two can hardly talk, you're sitting in his jacuzzi!

**Sexy Techie says-** GUYS?

**I love sex says-** No we're not Tosh! We're...um... looking to see if he fell in :D

**Sexy Techie says-** I don't believe you two! He's your friend! You should be ashamed of yourselves

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I'm sure he's fine!

**I love sex says-** Yeah!

**Jackie Chan says- **:D

**Here come the drums says-** ...Or curled up in a ball bleeding to death.

**I love sex says-** ...

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ...with a smile on his face?

_**- Jones, Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** I've been looking, but no sitings anywhere. I tried to put up "Lost Dog" posters with pictures of Big C, but I had to take them down

**Sexy Techie says-** Why? :(

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Policeman told me to. Apparently the picture was scaring young children

**I love sex says-** How are you coping Tosh? With the whole Tommy betrayal thing?

**Sexy Techie says-** Oh I'm completely over it

**Jackie Chan says-** Well that's good-

**Sexy Techie says- **I mean, it's not like I care that he broke my heart. Or I've loved him for a long time. Or how he smashed my hopes to pieces against the FUCKING GROUND BECAUSE THE LYING LITTLE MOTHER FUCKER DIDN'T GIVE A DAMM ABOUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...

**Here come the drums says-** ...Well as long as you're over it.

...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'm bored man.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Seriously Davros, I'm bored.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** U've locked me in a farm 4 goodness sakes, dere's nothing to do!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...Alll byyyy mmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy . Don't wanna be, Alll byy myyy selllllllllllf-

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** Dude... what're you doing?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nothing man. Just...rapping.

**Am I Bovered says-** Davros captured me too, locked me in some warehouse somewhere. Guess I'm stuck here with you.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** We could... RAP

**Am I Bovered says-** I ain't rapping with you.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Y NOT? :(

**Am I Bovered says-** Coz apparently your raps are crap

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nahhh man, dey is well good

**Am I Bovered says-** Eurghhh, fine. I'll start.

We're sittin' here with Davros,

Waitin' to be slayed

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'm laying in a farm house

Ma pants r filled with hay

**Am I Bovered says-** ...dude. Seriously?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It hurtz man!

**Am I Bovered says** **-** O-kay...

When Davros comes back over here

I'll shoot him in the head

**BIG C,INNIT says-** My knees are shaped like mushrooms

It boosts up my street cred

**Am I Bovered says-** Oh my-

When I see the Dalek dude

I'll put up a big fight

**BIG C,INNIT says-**

When I was just six years old

My mum broke my flashlight :(

**Am I Bovered says-** I'm stuck here with a bad rapper

Wish that time'd go faster

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wait...who's the bad rapper?

**Am I Bovered says-** You.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ooooh. Wait...hey!

I have a sandwich filled with pears

And a monkey patterned plaster

**Am I Bovered says-** I wanna kill this weevil man,

He's driving me insane

**BIG C,INNIT says-**

Once I stepped on a spider

And broke my shower drain

**Am I Bovered says-** YOU KNOW WHAT? I GIVE UP. I'd rather sit in this warehouse on my own in the dark then attempt to rap with a loser like you!

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I dunno who she is talkin' bout... but it ain't me. Coz I is WELL good at rapping fam.

...

**Sexy Techie says-** ARHHHHHHHHHH! I'm so angry! I'm gonna go punch a wall or something!

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Poor Tosh.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Poor wall.

_**-KissFromARose has entered the conversation-**_

**KissFromARose says-** DOCCY POO!

**Here come the drums says-** ...*sniggers*

**Timey Wimey Lord says -** Um...Rose... we've already been over this... I'm over you so-

**KissFromARose says-** Not you! MY Doctor! The mortal one you left with me so we could spend the rest of our lives together!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Um... I haven't seen him?

_**-Timey Wimey Lord 2 has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh shi-

**KissFromARose says-** ALLY WALLY!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh God! Kick her out! Please, I'll explain in a minute, just please, kick her out!

**KissFromARose says-** BUT HUNNY BUNNY! I love-

_**-KissFromARose has been blocked-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord 2 says-** Oh thank god!

**Jackie Chan says-** Doctor... what's going on...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Well, you know the other me was created? I left him with Rose...

**Timey Wimey Lord 2 says-** SHE'S KILLING ME! She keeps going on, and on about stupid things that nobody cares about! And she's as thick as a plank!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Are you sure she's not Gwen?

**Timey Wimey Lord 2 says- **She keeps trying to plait my hair and she WON'T STOP CALLING ME ALAN! You gotta help me, I gotta escape from her!

**I love sex says-** I don't really know what we could do to help mate :/

**Timey Wimey Lord 2 says-** Hid me! Get me a new identity! Anything, please!

**I love sex says-** We could... get you a new girlfriend?

**Jackie Chan says- **Yeah, then Rose would have to leave you alone!

_**-RunRiverRun has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Amy has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says- **No, fuck no, and who the hell are you?

**Voice Of A Nightingale says- **:(

**RunRiverRun says-** :(

_**-RunRiverRun has left the conversation-**_

_**-Voice Of A Nightingale has left the conversation-**_

**Amy says-** Don't you remember me Doctor? I bumped into you once, and ever since then I've been in love with you! I get my boyfriend to dress up like you and everything-

_**-Amy has been blocked-**_

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Well SHE didn't sound stalkerish at all.

**Timey Wimey Lord 2 says-** Please, I need to get away from her!

**Here come the drums says-** Ermmm... AH HA!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** What are you plannin-

_**-Lucy Saxon has entered the conversation-**_

**Lucy Saxon says-** Oh hey Harold, haven't seen you in a while!

**Jackie Chan says-** But...I swear you shot him...

**Lucy Saxon says-** yeah, it was part of our back up plan :D

**Here come the drums says-** Listen, Lucy, can you do me a favour and look after the doctor's clone? He's been stuck with Rose for ages

**Lucy Saxon says-** The blonde one with the lisp?

**Here come the drums says-** Yeah :D

**Lucy Saxon- ***winces* ouch, you poor thing! Yeah, sure, he can come over

**Timey Wimey Lord 2 says-** Oh thank god!

_**-**__**-KissFromARose has entered the conversation-**_

**Kiss From A Rose says-** OI! STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!

**Lucy Saxon says-** Quick, escape before she finds you! I've sent a cab to go and get you

**Timey Wimey Lord 2 says-** I'M FREEEEEEEEE!

_**-Lucy Saxon has left the conversastion-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

**KissFromARose says -** ALAN! :( :(

**Here come the drums says-** It's okay Rose. I have someone perfect for you as well :D

**KissFromARose says-** Really? Who?

_**-Rhys has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** HAVE FUN!

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has left the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

**Rhys says-** ...I like cake :D

**KissFromARose says-** ... o.O

...

**BIG C,INNIT says-**

I'm all on ma own

And I'm feelin' well depressed

I wanna kill ma self

With my uncle's sweater vest

I feel like a loner

And I wanna eat some food

I feel like makin' birthday cake

Or dancin' in da nude

:(

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**Am I Bovered says-** If that's your idea of good rapping then god help us all.

_A/N: Review :) Please? Pretty please? Pretty pretty please? Much love xxxxx_


	61. Rescue!

_A/N: Sorry updates are a bit further apart, I've been having loads of school work. To the readers of TYTNW I'm hoping to update it on Saturday :) Now... We have a weevil to save! xxx_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

**Sexy Techie says-** Jack... Davros has Donna as well.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...So Donna's with Big C?

**Sexy Techie says-** Yeah!

**Jackie Chan says-** ...Poor Donna.

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Hey guyzzzz !

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...Hey Gwen.

**I love sex says-** Okay listen, here's the plan. Three of us are going to go out and look for Big C. One of us are going to stay here with Gwen.

**Jackie Chan says-** I vote that we-

_**-I love sex has left the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has left the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has left the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** ... :(

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** So Jack... it's just me... and you... _alone_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has been blocked-**_

_**...**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** okay... this is the last time I'm going to ask this... what is our name?

**Billis says-** The Antisupernaturalist Turkey Farmers!

**Rassilon says- **The Bendy Straw Sellotape Blasters!

**Cyberman says-** THE BOB MARLEY APPRECIATION SOCIETY!

**Mr Octagon says- **...No. Just no. I say we go for something more... evil.

**Rassilon says-** AHA! I'VE GOT IT!

**Billis says-** What?

**Rassilon says-** Team... EVIL!

**Mr Octagon says-** ...-facepalms-

**Billis says-** Well I've got a better idea... The Morally objectionable, bad, immoral, sinful, vicious, wicked, wrong, despiteful, hateful, malevolent, malicious Team!

**Mr Octagon says-** It's perfect!

**Cyberman says-** ...I think mine was better :(

**Rassilon says-** We are NOT calling ourselves the Bob Marley Appreciation Society!

**Cyberman says-** :(

**Mr Octagon says-** Now gather round... I have information concerning Torchwood. It appears that two of their friends have gone missing. Donna Noble, and Cornelius

**Cyberman says-** NOT BIG C! :O

**Rassilon says-** So what are we gonna do boss?

**Mr Octagon says-** Simple. We are going to... rescue them!

**Billis says-** But... aren't we meant to be evil?

**Mr Octagon says- **Rescuing them is evil, you buffoons! God, you're all so stupid! Let me explain. Imagine A is Donna, B is Big C, C is Torchwood, and D is Davros.

**Cyberman says-** Why can't Donna be D?

**Mr Octagon says-** It doesn't matter, she's just first so she's A.

**Cyberman says-** And shouldn't Torchwood be T?

**Mr Octagon says-** No, they're C.

**Billis says-** But why not T?

**Mr Octagon says- **Because they just aren't, okay! Now... are we clear?

**Rassilon says-** Yes

**Cyberman says-** Yes

**Billis says-** Yes.

**Rassilon says-** Wait... which one's C again?

**Mr Octagon says-** OH FOR THE LOVE OF-Okay... deep breath... in... and out... Okay, let's forget the alphabet and just use their names. If we rescue Donna and Big C from Davros, Davros will get annoyed. Then, he shall go back to Torchwood, and instead of trying to kidnap Donna and Big C again, he will kill them. This will make Torchwood sad, and they will all quit. Get it now?

**Rassilon says-** Aha!

**Billis says-** Wow Boss, that really is evil!

**Mr Octagon says-** I know! Now... let's go and save Donna and Big C!

**...**

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says-** Any luck?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeah! We found where they are! Donna's been moved, so she's with Big C in this abandoned farm.

**Sexy Techie says-** Trouble is, we can't get in. The place is surrounded by sensors. If any of us get near the doors the sensors will pick us up, and set off lasers. The lasers are too powerful to knock out, they can slice through flesh in a snap.

**I love sex says-** And Big C says can you hurry up please, because the "Bloody Sheep r tryin' ta eat ma testicles"

_** -Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Have plenty of fear, Because The Morally objectionable, bad, immoral, sinful, vicious, wicked, wrong, despiteful, hateful, malevolent, malicious Team is here!

**Sexy Techie says- **Oh great, it's you lot.

**Cyberman says- **As a part of our evil plan, we're going to help rescue Big C and Donna! Mwahahaha!

**I love sex says- **That's not evi-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Let's just play along Owen

**Jackie Chan says- **Okay... we know where they are. But we can't get to them. The security could slice through us in an instant.

**Sexy Techie says- **It only seems to affect skin though... If only we had someone who had no skin... someone who was covered with... I dunno... metal. Like a Dalek or... _Cyberman._

**Cyberman says-** It's a shame we don't have any of them, isn't it.

**Rassilon says- **Dude... you're a cyberman.

**Cyberman says- **Don't be silly, I'm not a-HOLY CRAP I'M A CYBERMAN! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

**Billis says-** *sighs*

**Mr Octagon says-** You've been a cyberman for ages you idiot! Why do you think we call you Cyberman?

**Cyberman says-** I dunno, I just thought it was a nickname or something! OMG!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** You know, if you change his user name and add in a couple of Z's it's like Big C's with us right now

**Mr Octagon says- **Go Cyberman, go and save them!

_**-Two Hours Later-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Am I Bovered has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It was horrible man! *shudders* He tied me 2 a donkey with ma own scarf, and forced me to eat egg! I hate egg!

**Am I Bovered says-** Well you weren't the one who had to put up with a room filled with Big C egg farts half an hour later.

**Cyberman says-** I still can't get over the fact I'm a cyberman!

**BIG C,INNIT says- **You're a cyberman? OMFG! SINCE WHEN?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Those two are _destined_ for each other.

**Mr Octagon says-** Part of our evil plan is complete! And now, we leave you, and wait for you to be destroyed! MWAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA!

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has left the conversation-**_

**I love sex says- **Is it just me who thought they are like, the biggest fail, EVER?

...

**Tommy says-** They have escaped Master.

**Davros says-** I am aware. Oh well. There will be no more games. Instead, we shall... _destroy them. _

**...**

**Mr Octagon says-** I can't believe I'm about to say this... but as a reward for your excellent work... you can name the team's name for the week.

**Cyberman says-** HURRAY! :D

**Rassilon says-** Oh god.

**Billis says-** So I guess we're called the Bob Marley Appreciation Society then?

**Cyberman says-** Nah, I have a much cooler and eviller name...

**Rassilon says-** What?

**Cyberman says-** The... MIDNIGHT SPARKLE FLOWERS!

**Mr Octagon says-** ...

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has left the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** So.. is that a yes?

**Cyberman says-** Hello?

**Cyberman says-** Guys?

_A/N: Gotta love our Team of Rubbish Baddies :') Review please! xxxxx_


	62. The Power Of Love!

_A/N: I'm MEANT to be revising history right now... oh well. xxx_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Hey guys

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Hey Ianto, can you make me a sandwich?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** No.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Aw man :(

**Jackie Chan says-** Okay gang, today I want us to tackle the weevil sighting by the park. Tosh I want you to run the alien tech we found yesterday through the scanners, Owen I want you to-

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Hey guys, Can I ask you something? You know we fight aliens? Are they like, made up aliens? or are they real?

**Sexy Techie says-** Guys! What's going on? This isn't right!

**Jackie Chan says-** eh?

**Sexy Techie says-** Big C can't be arsed to make his own food and asks Ianto to do it, Jack tries to be all leader like and gives us orders which we'll all ignore and Gwen asks a ridiculously stupid question that doesn't even fully make sense!

**I love sex says-** Yeah, so? It's just a normal day.

**Jackie Chan says-** Yeah! Wait... what do you mean you don't listen to my orders? :(

**Sexy Techie says-** We're all being normal, doing what we normally do on a typical Monday morning! We're meant to be working out how to save Tommy!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **It's not fully normal when you think about it. Dad hasn't come in hiding from the government yet-

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Tell them I'm not here!

_**-Welsh Police Force has entered the conversation-**_

**Welsh Polic Force says-** We know you're here. We know it was you who set fire to our station

**Here come the drums says-** I was bored and you left matches lying around! You practically made me!_-_

_**-Welsh Police Force has been blocked-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Phew! Thanks guys!

**Sexy Techie says-** See! Just like normal! We're meant to be saving Tommy!

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm sorry Tosh but the thing is...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Tommy's under Davros' control, finding him would take effort, Davros would probably kill him when he gets bored of him anyway and we can't be bothered to move.

**Jackie Chan says-** I was going to phrase it differently... but Big C's got the right idea.

**Sexy Techie says-** How can you all be so selfish! Tommy saved everyone on earth once, remember?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Ah yes, but we've saved everyone on earth more then once, which means we're better, so I vote we stay here.

**Jackie Chan says-** Agreed!

**Sexy Techie says-** I don't believe you lot! Tommy is our friend!

**I love sex says-** He works for Davros Tosh! He's gone! He's not the Tommy we know anymore

**Sexy Techie says-** I still think we should try!

**Jackie Chan says-** Fine. If it really means that much to you, we'll try.

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I'll help! I've managed to work out where he is. I can hack into his system and put him online?

**Sexy Techie says-** Do it!

_**-Tommy has entered the conversation-**_

**Tommy says-** What. I'm trying to be evil.

**Sexy Techie says-** Tommy...

**Tommy says-** I've decided I refuse to go by the name of Tommy.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What's your new name then?

**Tommy says-** ... Lord Toldemort.

**Here come the drums says-** ...rofl.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** What?

**Here come the drums says-** ...Darth Tader.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** LOL!

**I love sex says-** Be serious you two! Tommy-

**Tommy says-** Call me by my name, foolish man!

**I love sex says-** Oh for- _Toldemort_... deep down... you know you don't want to be evil.

**Tommy says-** You couldn't be more wrong! Being evil is the best thing that's ever happened to me! I can take children's candy, cut queues and, oh yeah- DESTROY THE WORLD!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Takin' candy ain't fun when da kid's parents spot you and try an' hit u with their handbag.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I'm still confused... this is Toldemort... I swear we're meant to be looking for Tommy?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...Just go away Gwen.

**Sexy Techie says- **Come on Tommy, you know you can fight the evil within you!

**Jackie Chan says-** Fight the darkness!

**Here come the drums says-** What is this, disney channel? "Fight the darkness Tommy, fight the darkness!"

**Tommy says-** I can't!

**I love sex says-** Yes you can Tommy!

**Tommy says-** It's too strong!

**Here come the drums says-** We're gonna be here a while...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-**...So who wants pizza?

**Sexy Techie says-** Guys! Tommy's having a deep struggle to fight to regain who he really is inside! You can't just go and sit around eating pizza!

**BIG C,INNIT says-**You're right... who wants noodles?

_**-Two and a half hours later- (Tommy and Tosh have left)**_

**Here come the drums says-** So what, he's cured?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Yep.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Just like that?

**Jackie Chan says-** Yep.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Bloody hell.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** it's the power of love!

**Jackie Chan says-** Davros' spell was strong, but love is stronger. Love always conquers evil.

**Here come the drums says-** Well isn't that just... the biggest piece of crap I've ever bloody heard! What idiot came up with that?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Dumbledore!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** You trust the words of a bearded loonie? You idiots.

**Here come the drums says-** No, I personally think it was the injection Owen gave him to CANCEL THE EFFECTS OF DAVROS' MIND CONTROL. Remember that?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Dat may of... had a... minor part in curing him...

**Jones,ianto Jones says- **Lol... Lord Toldemort.

**Jackie Chan says-** Better then Team Midnight Sparkle Flowers I'll give him that.

_A/N: Review Please :D xxxxx_


	63. Fireworks!

_A/N: Hello all! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. This chapter has a fireworks theme ;D Inspired by a powerpoint we had to watch in class on firework safety. The main character was called Welephant, and was possibly the most boring person alive. Look it up if you're bored xD xxxx_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**Jackie Chan says- **Who's excited about the fireworks tonight?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'm not.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **That's the spirit!

**I love sex says-** Awww Big C, are you scared of the lickle fireworks?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nahhh man! I jus' had a very traumatic experience as a child.

**Sexy Techie says- **You've had rather a lot of those, haven't you?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Who's doing the fireworks anyway?

_**-Here Come The Drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Here Come The Drums says-** Me! :D

**Sexy Techie says-** ...

**I love sex says-** ...

**Jackie Chan says- **...

**Here come the drums says-** ...problem?

**Jackie Chan says-** you...fireworks...nearby houses...

**Here come the drums says-** ...I fail to see the problem.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** I'll do it!

**Sexy Techie says- **Thank god for that!

**Here come the drums says-** Why am I never trusted with anything relatively dangerous? :(

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Because they're all boring :(

**Jackie Chan says-** So Big C, what happened in your childhood that made you hate fireworks?

**BIG C,INNIT says- **I ain't telling.

**I love sex says-** Oh go on!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nahh. It's 2 upsetting

...

_** -Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Good morning team! What information do you have?

**Cyberman says-** IT'S FIREWORKS NIGHT! I'M SO EXCITED! I CAN'T-

**Mr Octagon says-** Cyberman! Not what I wanted!

**Rassilon says-** Maybe fireworks night could come in handy... we could throw fireworks through their doors!

**Mr Octagon says-** Perfect plan!

**Rassilon says-** Also, I was thinking a lot about our name last night, and I think I have a fabulous name idea?

**Billis says-** What?

**Rassilon says-** Beach Babes!

**Billis says-** ...

**Mr Octagon says-** ...Meh. Why not. Now... LET'S GO AND DESTROY THEM ALL WITH FIREWORKS!

**Cyberman says- **But we need to make sure we follow the firework safety code.

**Billis says-** Yep. That's VERY important.

**Mr Octagon says- **Okay, so we'll light the fireworks

**Rassilon says-** We can't!

**Mr Octagon says-** Why not?

**Rassilon says-** Because the firework safety code says that a responsible grown up has to light them

**Mr Octagon says- **We're all adults, you idiot!

**Cyberman says-** Yes, but we're all ruthless and evil _(a/n: Sure you are Cyberman, suurreeee you are)_ so we're not responsible so we can't light them!

**Mr Octagon says -** Oh for gods sakes, it doesn't matter! Anyway, so we'll take the fire works and-

**Billis says-** Are they marked BS 7114?

**Mr Octagon says-** No...

**Billis says -** Well we can't use them then, the code says so.

**Mr Octagon says-** Oh whatever, so we'll put them in our p-

**Cyberman says-** We can't put them in our pockets

**Rassilon says- **We have to put them in a closed box before we light them. That's what the code says.

**Mr Octagon says-** Okay fine, we'll buy the correct fireworks, carry them to the hub in a closed box, pay a responsible adult to light them for us and then chuck them into their base! Happy?

**Cyberman says- **We can't throw them. The code says-

**Mr Octagon says-** STUFF THE CODE!

**Rassilon says-** :O !

**Billis says-** Oh my! :O

**Cyberman says-** :O! Stuff the code? Surely you don't mean that-

**Mr Octagon says-** It's a stupid code, full of stupid rules, for STUPID PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELVES! Now I'm going to throw fireworks at Torchwood.

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

**...**

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I'm so excited about the fireworks tonight! Rhys is going to set off some in our garden!

**Here Come The Drums says-** Fatso setting off fireworks?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** That'll be a laugh.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** He's amazing I'll have you know!

**Sexy Techie says-** Come on Big C, tell us thjs traumatic fireworks incident of yours!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Nahhh! U'd all laugh at me 4eva.

**Jackie Chan says-** No we wouldn't!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** We probably will actually

**Jackie Chan says-** Ok fine, we will... but not for long!

**I love sex says-** Come on Big C, tell us!

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Okay, fine... when I was younger...

**Sexy Techie says- **Yes...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Ma mum bought fireworks...

**I love sex says-** Yes...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I grabbed one...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** yes...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...And ate it.

**Here come the drums says-** ...

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...o.O

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What happened? did you have an operation to get it out?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well u no wot dey say... wot goes in... must come out...

**Sexy Techie says- **EWWWW!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It gets worse... :(

**Here come the drums says-** What could be worse?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** As it came out...it went off :(

**I love sex says-** ...ew.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

**Here come The Drums says-** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** OMG, IT WENT OFF AS YOU- LOLLLLLLLL!

**Sexy Techie says-** Boys... don't be mean...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I had to get STITCHES! :(

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

**Here come the drums says-** I vote we tie Rhys down and force feed him one. WHO'S WITH ME?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** OI!

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** You shouldn't mess with fireworks. Bad things happen when you do

**Here come the drums says-** You're so boring!

**Martha says-** Seriously. There are loads of accidents when we're not careful. Which is why we never EVER EVER play with fireworks.

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** I guess me putting a load in your house wasn't the smartest idea then.

**Martha says-** !

_**-Martha has left the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Ahhh, my boyfriend's epic :')

**...**

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Nobody,,, is to say... a word.

**Billis says-** hey boss, is it true the firework went off in your pocket and you burnt your butt?

**Mr Octagon says-** Not...a _single word._

**Billis says-** HAHAHA, YOU-

**Mr Octagon says-** NOT... one word.

**Billis says-** Yes Boss...

**Rassilon says- ...**

**Cyberman says-** ...looks like someone should have followed the firework code.

_A/N: Have fun guys, and remember, fireworks can be dangerous. Especially if the Master has them :D xxxxx_


	64. Alien Potato?

_A/N: Sorry for the wait :P Hope you like the chapter. This one's for __**sliceless. **__Because the most random things she says give me inspiration xxxxx_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Hey guys. We all doing okay?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Alright. Just sorting out the archives

**Jackie Chan says-** I'm attempting to tidy up my desk-

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **OMG GUYZ, YOU GOTTA HELP ME!

**Sexy Techie says- **And there was me thinking a day could go past without her asking for help with something completely stupid.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** IT'S NOT STUPID! RHYS IS DYING!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** ...lol.

**Jackie Chan says-** WTF?

**Sexy Techie says- **HOW?

**I love sex says-** WHY?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, ARE YOU DYING WITH HIM?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What? No!

**Jones,Ianto Jones says- **Damm.

**Jackie Chan says-** Gwen! How?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Okay...but don't laugh...

**I love sex says-** We can make no promises.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** We were walking home, when Rhys felt something hit his head. He looked down at the floor, and saw it was a potato.

**Jackie Chan says-** I can't think of anyone who would want to throw a potato at you two. Nope, not a single person.

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **It wasn't thrown actually. It _fell from the sky_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**Here Come The Drums says-** A potato fell from the sky and hit Rhys in the head?

**HartBreaker says-** Wow. And there was me thinking that today was going to be a bad day.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** THIS IS SERIOUS GUYSSSS! THE POTATO WAS ALIEN!

**HartBreaker says- **An ALIEN potato fell from the sky and hit Rhys in the head?

**Here come the drums says**- Ahhh, even better :')

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** It was definately alien! And now he's gone all pale and he keeps throwing up and I don't know what to do!

**Jackie Chan says-** How do you know it was alien?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** IT WAS GREEN!

**Sexy Techie says-** What, his sick?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** NO, THE POTATO!

**I love sex says-** Why would a potato turn green?

**Gwen is teh awesome says- **BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING ALIEN POTATO!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Did sum1 say potato?

**HartBreaker says-** Yep. Gwen's boyfriend is dying. He touched an alien potato.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...AWESOME! :D

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** GUYS! I NEED HELP!

**Jackie Chan says-** Maybe it was dropped on him on purpose?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Why Rhys? He'd never hurt a fly :'(

**Here come the drums says-** Oh I'm sure that's not true! I'm sure he's sat on a couple of people in his time.

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Okay, we need to think logically about this. Who would want to kill Rhys?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Er... everyone?

**I love sex says-** ...Are you sure he's not just choking?

**Jackie Chan says-** ...eh?

**I love sex says-** Well let's look at Rhys. He's a lardarse. So what would he do if he saw food on the floor?

**Sexy Techie says- **No way. Surely Rhys isn't _that_ stupid to just eat random food that fell from the sky?

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** This is Rhys after all.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...You're right. He was just choking.

**Here come the drums says- **LOL.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Fail at your boyfriend's life.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** ...Well... maybe the potato HYPNOTISED him into eating it! It was an alien potato after all!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** R u sure it wozn't just mouldy?

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Of course not. There's no way Rhys would just eat a mouldy potato off the floor.

**Jackie Chan says-** ...bye Gwen.

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has been blocked-**_

**I love sex says-** She fails.

**HartBreaker says-** Agreed.

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Still, where do you think the potato came from?

**Here come the drums says-** I dunno

**BIG C,INNIT says-** May b a massive floatin' potato salad?

**Jackie Chan says-** ...

**TImey Wimey Lord says-** No Big C. Just no.

_**...**_

_** -Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Billis says-** A massive potato salad. Seriously. A massive potato salad?

**Cyberman says-** I couldn't think of anything better okay!

**Rassilon says-** You need to get your act together dude. This is the fifth time this week you've made a crap plan. Plus, your potato landed on the wrong person! It was meant to land on the girl!

**Cyberman says-** HOW WAS I TO KNOW THE FAT SOD WOULD EAT IT?

**Mr Octagon says-** The others are right. I'm sorry Cyberman. But it's over.

**Cyberman says-** What? No!

**Mr Octagon says-** I'm sorry. But there's no place for you here

**Rassilon says-** Yeah. You're just not evil enough for Team Slugs of Doom.

**Cyberman says-** But I am evil! I am! D:

**Mr Octagon says-** ...Fine. You have one last chance. I've sent you an email of what you have to do.

**Cyberman says-** No...no I refuse! Some things are just too evil!

**Rassilon says- **You wanna prove you're evil? DO IT.

**Cyberman says-** No! I can't do it! It goes against every fibre of my being!

**Billis says-** DO IT.

**Cyberman says-** But it's just SO TWISTED!

**Mr Octagon says-** Do it, or you're out.

**Cyberman says-** Make me do something else. I can't say it. I'll say anything, just not that!

**Mr Octagon says-** MWHAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

_**...**_

**Sexy Techie says- **Reckon Rhys will be okay?

**Here come the drums says-** Oh perlease, he's ate things waaaayyyy worse then a mouldy potato

**I love sex says-** Like snail guts because he thought they were gummy bears.

_** -Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** It was me! Me who dropped the potato on Rhys!

**Jackie Chan says-** ...okay?

**Cyberman says-** And there's something I need to tell you all! Something that even Satan is too afraid to utter!

**I love sex says-** ...Go for it?

**Cyberman says-** ...Oh god... I...THINK GWEN REALLY IS TEH AWESOME!

_A/N: Poor, poor Cyberman. I bet that was TORTURE. xxxxx_


	65. RIP BIG C

_A/N: Bet the name freaked you out, didn't it? ;) xxxx_

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jones,Ianto Jones has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Jackie Chan has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Sexy Techie has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen is teh awesome has entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** Okay, what's going on?

**Sexy Techie says-** Yeah seriously, I have paper work to do.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** Why does Big C want us all here anyway?

_**-I love sex has entered the conversation-**_

**I love sex says-** Sorry guys, you can leave. It's just Big C being melodramatic as per usual-

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It's okay Owen. I want dem 2 no.

**HartBreaker says-** Know what?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Dat...I'm dying.

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** WTH?

**Sexy Techie says-** omg!

**Timey wimey Lord says- **But...why?

**I love sex says-** For the last time mate, you're NOT dying-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It all started...when I went to Owen 4 ma monthly team check up. And he found a large mark on my back...

**I love sex says-** For the last time, I told you it's just a large wart-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** da mark's been there for 2 long. It's incurable. It means... I'm dying

**I love sex says-** For god's sakes, it's not incurable I gave you the cream-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I'm gunna miss u guyz.

**Here Come The Drums says-** Rigghhtttt...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** So, in order so celebrate ma fabulous life-

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** That's not what I'd call it...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I wanna make a video of ma funeral...

**HartBreaker says-** No. no, no, no, NO. We are NOT going to make a video of your non existant funeral pretending that you're awesome for you.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Come on guyz, please! You can show Ben when he's older what an epic person I was!

**Sexy Techie says-** It's okay, I think Ben will survive without a half an hour footage of us reading out your various "Poems"

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Come on guyz, it's a dying man's wish!

**I love sex says- **FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU'RE NOT BLOODY DYIN-

**Jackie Chan says- **Let's just let him think he is. He'll be so busy making his video he won't have time to destroy any more machinery.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DYING! :'(

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Stay strong babycakez, stay strong.

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** but, life without you... will just be so weird!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I no. It's very rare dat peoplez can get sumthing so awesome in dere life as me. You lot are so lucky :')

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Yeah. Who doesn't want a hyperactive rapping weevil in their life?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Eurghh... fine, we'll help.

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Awesome! Okayz, I've alreadii wrote da funeral plans. So it begins with Tosh reading a little greeting 2 everiione. I emailed it 2 u

**Sexy Techie says-** ...No. There's no way I'm reading that.

**HartBreaker says-** Come on, let's just humour him.

**Sexy Techie says-** Eurghh... fine.

Hello friends and family. We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Big C, a father, a torchwood employee, and most importantly... the saviour of the world (...no dude.) This weevil truly was the... sunshine on a rainy day and the... most important person in our lives? (Big C, seriously?) We are all truly going to miss this special man, in fact, many of us may even resort to suicide due to the considerable lack of awesome in our lives that came with Big C's parting (...wth?)

**BIG C,INNIT says - **Now dat... was beautiful. :')

**Here come the drums says-** ...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Anywayz, next you'll all tell a memory you have of me

**Sexy Techie says-** What, like the time your burnt my car?

**I love sex says-** Or the time you ate my stethescope?

**Jackie Chan says-** Or the time you got us invaded by alien red ants?

**Here come the drums says-** Or the time we exploded the white house together? Ahhh, good times :')

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...o.O

_**...**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says- **GUYSSS!

**Billis says-** What.

**Cyberman says-** BIG C IS DYINGGGGG!

**Mr Octagon says-** Good. That's one less we need to kill ourselves

**Cyberman says-** How can you say that about Big C? :O

**Rassilon says-** He's our enemy. Remember? Team Galactic Zebra Nerds don't have feelings for the enemy.

**Mr Octagon says-** Why,,, do YOU have feelings for the enemy?

**Cyberman says-** Pshhhh, no! Of course I don't!

**Mr Octagon says-** Good. Because do you know what will happen if you do?

**Cyberman says-** ...What?

**Rassilon says-** We'll eat you.

**Cyberman says- **:O!

**Billis says-** ...With a SPORK.

_**...**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Anywayz, after da speeches the coffin will come down.

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **What shape's the coffin, doughnut?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** No, Yoda shaped. _Duh._

**HartBreaker says-** Yeah Doctor, _duh_

**I love sex says-** You're not going to need a Yoda shaped coffin because you're NOT dying-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** And den 2 finish off, you're all going 2 read a few poems, 1 of which I wrote maself. I emailed it 2 u Ianto :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** Oh god, here we go...

Big C is awesome

He is the best

He is well fit

I want to fuck him?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It took me all night. Do you like it? :D

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** It's... er... lovely?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Thank you :D Oh, I left out 1 final bit, da hymns!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** What hymns are you having then?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** You know amazing grace?

**Sexy Techie says-** Yeah...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** It's that, but edited :D

Here we go!

Aaammmaaazzzziiinngggg grace!

How sweet the sound!

When IIIII, had sexxxx,

with Big CCCCCCCC!

I once was-

**Here come the drums says-** O-kay that's enough of that

**I love sex says-** FOR THE LAST TIME BIG C, YOU'RE NOT FUCKING DYING! ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH YOU IS YOU HAVE A MASSIVE WART, WHICH BY THE WAY, IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...So there'll b no Yoda coffin?

**Jackie Chan says-** No

**BIG C,INNIT says-** And no poems?

**Sexy Techie says- **No

**BIG C,INNIT says- **And no dramatic speeches about how awesome I am? :(

**HartBreaker says- **You wouldn't get that even if you really were dying mate

**BIG C,INNIT says- **I'm not dying...SHIT! I NEED TO GET CYBERMAN TO CANCEL THE PARADE FLOAT!

_**-BIG C,INNIT has left the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **...Parade float? Oh dear

**Sexy Techie says-** Those two would be _so_ good together

**Jackie Chan says- **They bloody better not get together, he's the enemy!

**Sexy Techie says-** Awww, it's like Romeo and Juliet! :')

**Jones,Ianto Jones says-** One's a farting rapping weevil and the other's a metal alien that has a lower IQ then a garden gnome. How romantic.

_A/N: :) Review please? They make me smile :) Haven't heard from some of you in a while :( xxxx_


	66. Four steps to world domination!

_A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while :) In this chapter, Voldemort returns. Because I think Davros and Voldemort both know what it's like to be defeated again and again. ...And I just fancied writing some voldemort ;D This chapter is for __**Mirumo,**__ because her review of chapter 34 made me laugh :') Hey __**Hermione0Granger**__ xxxx_

_**-Davros has entered the conversation-**_

**Davros says-** I will defeat them... one day...

**Davros says-** One day, they will bow before me...

**Davros says-** And I...shall be ruler... OF THE WORL-

_**-Here come the drums has entered the conversation-**_

**Here come the drums says-** ...Isn't talking to yourself the first sign of madness?

**Davros says-** Seriously foolish timelord, I'm not in the mood. Get out before I feed rip your intestines from your body, force you to eat them, vomit them up and then eat them again until you die!

**Here come the drums says-** Well isn't soooooooomebody Mr Angry Pants today?

**Davros says- **Don't call me that.

**Here come the drums says-** Sorry.

**Davros says-** Thank you.

**Here come the drums says-** ...Angry Pants.

**Davros says- **Stop it.

**Here come the drums says-** Okay Angry Pants.

**Davros says-** You're testing my patience!

**Here come the drums says-** I'm aware, angry pants.

**Davros says-** I SWEAR, IF YOU CALL ME THAT ONE MORE TIME I'll-

**Here come the drums says-** What, choke me with your angry pants?

**Davros says-** STOP IT!

**Here come the drums says-** You're boring, I'm going.

_**-Here come the drums has left the conversation-**_

**Davros says-** I hate it when people don't show you respect.

_** -Voldemort has entered the conversation-**_

**Voldemort says-** Tell me about it.

_**...**_

_**-VoteSaxon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Trust me,I'm an improviser has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I eat monsters for breakfast has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Insert sarcastic comment here- has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Life you're live has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tech Wiz has entered the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says- **Oh, I hate it when we all change names at the same time!

**-Insert sarcastic comment here- says-** Well I'm clearly Ianto, Tech wiz is clearly you Tosh

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** I'm Jack

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says-** I'm Owen, and "Life you're live" is obviously Gwen

**Life you're live says-** How did you know it was me?

**-Insert sarcastic comment here- says-** Because not one word in your name is spelt right.

**Life you're live says-** Who need's grammer when you have locks? :D

**Tech wiz says-** *Grammar

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** *looks. Anyways, it's obvious who VoteSaxon is

**VoteSaxon says-** It's me, Martha. Stupid fucking timelord hacked into my account and I can't change my name back!

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says- **I personally think it's a lovely name! :D

**VoteSaxon says-** Change it!

**BAM. says-** Fine...

_**-VoteSaxon has changed his/her name to Doctor: shag me, I'm desperate-**_

**Doctor: shag me, I'm desperate says-** I HATE YOU!

_**-Doctor: shag me, I'm desperate has left the conversation-**_

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** ...Why are you called BAM?

**BAM.** **says-** Because I walk in, and it's like...BAM.

_**-DieMothaFockas! has entered the conversation- (sliceless**__- I couldn't resist ;D )_

**DieMothaFockas! says-** Wazzup guyzzz?

**Tech Wiz says-** Why are you called DieMothaFockas?

**DieMothaFockas says-** Because it's like, my catch phrase! Like you know when I'm shooting and stuff I say it?

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** I can honestly say the only time I've ever heard you say that was when you were trying to get rid of all the ants in the hub and you held the spray the wrong way round so the stuff went in your eye.

_**...**_

**Davros says-** Who the hell are you?

**Voldemort says- **What do you mean who the hell am I? I'm VOLDEMORT!

**Davros says-** Okayyy...

**Voldemort says-** What, you've never heard of me before? For Fucks Sakes! Anyways, I've been floating around all bored in my ghost like or whatever it's called state thanks to stupid Harry Potter-

**Davros says-** Who's Harry Po-

**Voldemort says-** Never mind. Anyway, I was bored. So I've decided, that seeing as you look like an evil chap, I'm going to help you with your evil scheme. Think of me as your fairy godmother. Except I'm not lovely. Or fairy like. In fact, I want to murder Albus Dumbledore with his own beard MWAHAHAHA- what was I saying? Ah yes. _Fairygodmother._

**Davros says-** I can manage my own evil plan thank you very much!

**Voldemort says-** That's what I said. And look at where I am now. Floating around like a loser with no nose.

**Davros says- **...you have no nose? How-

**Voldemort says-** It was an accident involving a drunk Wormtail and a plastic spoon, I'd rather not go into it.

**Davros says-** So... how do I defeat Torchwood then?

**Voldemort says-** I suggest you follow my "Four Steps To World Domination". I call it MIKE. First, you need **M**inions. second, you need to make yourself **I**mmortal, after that you need to **K**ill a couple of people you consider below you. Then finally, you need to **E**njoy ruling the world! MWAHAHAHA!

**Davros says-** And did it work for you?

**Voldemort says-** ...Yes. Of course it did.

**Davros says-** Are you lying?

**Voldemort says- **...no.

**Davros says-** really?

**Voldemort says-** ...Okay, I was defeated. But it's not even fair? You wanna know why it's not fair? Because the universe hates me! All I wanted to do was make everyone bow down before me and destroy the light forever more. Is that really so bad?

**Davros says- **Well... yes...

**Voldemort says-** But instead, I was defeated by a stupid teenage boy! He defeated me with love! I mean, wtf? This isn't a movie people!

**Davros says-** Look, that's nice but I have a team to destroy, so I don't really have time to listen to-

**Voldemort says-** And do you wanna know about another stupid thing? _Dumbledore._ Seriously, the bearded fool thinks he sooo clever, just because he can talk in stupid riddles! And he only hates me because he caught me snogging his boyfriend Snape under a table at the christmas party. I **told** him it was a drunken mistake, but noooo, he still has to go and have a hissy fit! And do you wanna know what else? I'm not even on the list of top 100 villians! That's not even right! And do you wanna know who's first? Darth Vader! What the hell is a Darth Vader anyway? And the 20th is Man, from Bambi! A VILLAIN FROM A FUCKING **DISNEY MOVIE **IS BEFORE ME? I hate-

**Davros says-** This is gonna be a long, long day...

**Voldemort says-** And I mean, at least your enemies aren't trying to get off with each other all the time like that blasted weasley and muggle girl were!

_**...**_

**DieMothaFockas says-** anywayz... guys... I have something to tell you all.

**-Insert Sarcastic comment here- says-** Who did you kill?

**DieMothaFockas says-** Nahh, it's not that man... I... think I'm in love.

**BAM.** **says-** Why can I see this ending badly?

**DieMothaFockas says-** Me and Cyberman...

**Tech Wiz says-** Yes, I knew it! I knew they would get together!

**DieMothaFockas says- **...are in a threesome with Rhys.

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** ...o.O

**DieMothaFockas says-** It's just the way his flubber wobbles in the moonlight :')

**...**

**Davros says-** You'd be surprised...

**Voldemort says-** So...you gonna take my advice?

**Davros says-** No way, you didn't even win!

**Voldemort says-** Look, I know I was defeated on seven different occasions... but eighth time lucky!

_**-Davros has left the conversation-**_

**Voldemort says-** Pfff. He's a crap villain anyway. Who can I give advice to now...

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Hey! Me and my team, The Swedish Wrinkle Cream Detonators need help being evil. Do you happen to know anyone that could help?

**Voldemort says-** Well as a matter of fact I do... :D I recommend you start with a name for your minions. The "Eaters of death" has a nice ring to it...

_A/N: Review? Please? :P xxxxxxx_


	67. Decorating?

_A/N: Ahh, I'm so sorry for taking this long to update! I've got two weeks holiday so I'm hoping I'll be able to update more for a while :) Also, if there's any ideas for chapters or stories you wanna see then let me know :) We are very close to christmas soooo... it's decorating the hub time! ;)xxx_

_**-Trust me, I'm an improviser has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I eat monsters for breakfast has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Insert sarcastic comment here- has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tech Wiz has entered the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says-**Okay Jack, what's the plan?

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-**We stay down here in the archives until Gwen gives up and goes home.

**-Insert sarcastic comment here- **says- wow, what a fabulous plan! No wonder you're the head of Torchwood!

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says- **Remind me why we're all on MSN again?

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Because, if we talk out loud and she's here in the archives she'll hear us

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says- **We look stupid.

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** No we don't!

**-Insert sarcastic comment here- says-** we're huddled around in the dark hiding from a fully grown woman armed with pink FLUFFY tinsel, of course we look stupid.

**Tech Wiz says-**I blame Jack.

I eat monsters for breakfast says-Why me?

**Tech Wiz says-** Because we always blame you.

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-**I vote we split up, because that way if she finds one of us the rest of us will know and we'll be able to run away

**Tech Wiz says- **Owen! would you really leave one of us to defend ourselves against Gwen?

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says-** Um, well... I would abandon you all _willingly_ but in the heat of the moment it's every man for themselves so-

-_**DieMothaFockas! has entered the conversation-**_

**I eat monsters for breakfast say-** Oh thank god, I thought it was Gwen!

**DieMothaFockas says- **Y, wot's she doin'?

**Tech Wiz says- **She's decorating the hub!

**DieMothaFockas says- **Yeah... and? Ain't dat wot most ppl do at Christmas?

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Remember guys, Big C's never had a Christmas with us

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says**- Basically, whenever there's a holiday Gwen gets a little...overexcited.

**Tech Wiz says-** Christmas, easter, birthdays, valentine's day, she likes to decorate the hub in her own...special way

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** You mean a fucking disturbing way.

**Tech Wiz says-** It's not... _that_ bad?

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** Oh come on Tosh! Don't you remember last year? It snowed so she made that snowman? You know, the one she called Mickey? She put it in the oven so it "Wouldn't get cold" and then stormed around crying an hour later, pointing her gun at us and asking "who had killed him", remember?

**DieMothaFockas says-** Wow. ...So, which 1 of u did kill him?

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Big C... ball of ice...put in hot oven...

**DieMothaFockas says-** ...Is dat y u killed him? coz u wanted 2 use da oven or sumthin?

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** .../facepalms

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says-** Basically, she dances around the hub like a fool covering the hub in crap.

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** And makes us play crap games like musical chairs.

**Tech Wiz says-** Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says- **How's your threesome with Rhys and Cyberman going?

**DieMothaFockas says-** We got rid of Rhys, his fat was starting to get in the way

**Tech Wiz says-** ...o.O

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says- **Anyways, we all split up?

**Tech Wiz says- **Yep.

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Yep.

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** Yep.

**Tech Wiz says-** Where are you anyway, Big C?

**DieMothaFockas says-** I'm in da hub innit

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** ...you're not in the main bit of the hub are you?

**DieMothaFockas says-** Yeaaa booiiii. Y?

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** ...

**Tech Wiz says-** BIG C! GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE SHE FINDS YOU!

**DieMothaFockas says-** What you lot talkin' bout? lolz, she ain't that bad! Oh w8, she's here now! Hey Gwen!

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** RUN DUDE, RUN!

**DirMothaFockas says-** ...y is she holdin' sum pink tinsel? W8, wot? No, don't throw dat confetti me! Gwen! OMG. She's got da super strength bubble blower 3000! She's gonna- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO1

_**-DieMothaFockas has left the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says-** BIG C!

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** SHE GOT HIM!

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** He's in the hands of Gwen now.

**...**

_** -Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** It's almost christmas guys! :D

**Rassilon says-** Wooo!

**Mr Octagon says-** Bah humbug.

**Billis says- **Don't you like christmas sir?

**Mr Octagon says-** I hate it. It's pointless and costly and makes people happy.

**Cyberman says-** But don't you like the giving of presents? The song singing?

**Mr Octagon says-** You want a christmas song? I'll give you a christmas song!

On the first day of christmas my minion gave to me

A bomb to blow up the city!

On the second day of christmas my minion gave to me

Two giant knives! And a bomb to blow up the city!

**Billis says-** On the third day of christmas my minion gave to me

three secret lairs, two giant knives and a bomb to blow up the city!

**Cyberman says- **Guys, stop it! :(

**Rassilon says-** On the fourth day of christmas my minion gave to me

Four machine guns, three secret lairs and a bomb to blow up the city!

On the five day of christmas my minion gave to me,

Fiiivvvvveeeee heads of kiiiinnnggggg!

four-

**Cyberman says-** You guys are all evil!

**Mr Octagon says-** We're team Turkey Bashing Fruit lords, of course we're evil!

**...**

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says-** Oh thank god, you guys have to save us!

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Gwen's trying to decorate the hub!

**BAM. says-** *Winces*

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Oh dear.

**-Insert sarcastic comment here- says-** get us out of here!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** What, and risk her getting us and leaving the triplets parentless?

**BAM. says-** We have time for one trip. ...sons get priorities.

**-Insert sarcastic comment here- says-** Wooo! :D Bye guys!

_** -Insert sarcastic comment here- has left the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has left the conversation-**_

_**-BAM. has left the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says-** So I guess it's just us three...

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** It's gonna take a lot of sex for him to make up for leaving me!

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says-** It's Gwen, Jack. Can you really blame him?

**Tech Wiz says-** Where are you two?

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** I'm still in the archives

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** I'm hiding in one of the old medical rooms

**Tech Wiz says- **I'm in the- she's here. No Gwen, I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A PAPER HA-

_**-Tech Wiz has left the conversation-**_

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says-** Tosh! :(

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** I guess it's just you and me...

_**-Gwen has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen says-** Hey guys... wanna join the party :D

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Don't leave Owen!

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says-** Don't worry Jack, we're gonna get through this together! We're gonna go down with dignity and pride! I won't leave-

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Owen, I'm here to save you!

**Trust me, I'm an improviser says-** ...Peace suckas!

_**-HartBreaker has left the conversation-**_

_**-Trust me I'm an improviser has left the conversation-**_

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** I'm gonna kill you tomorrow Owen!

**Gwen is teh awesome says-** So Jack... wanna play kiss chase? :D

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** ...Oh god.

_A/N: Pointless chapter was pointless ;D Merry Christmas! xxxxx_


	68. Rescue

_A/N: Happy Christmas eve! Or Christmas, depending on where you are :) In this chapter... Ianto and Owen rescue the rest of the gang from Gwen! xxx_

_**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Trust me, I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation-**_

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says- **Do you feel guilty?

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says- **Nope.

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says- **Nope, me neither.

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-**We should though.

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** Nah, being guilty takes effort.

_**-Tommy has entered the conversation-**_

**Tommy says- **What's this I hear about you letting Gwen take my girlfriend?

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says- **Oh they'll be fine!

**Tommy says-** It's Gwen! They could be having a fucking fairy princess tea party right now for all we know!

**Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** Apparently all Gwen's stuffed toys are invited.

**Tommy says-** Oh my fucking- right, that's it, we're getting them out of there!

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** But I haven't finished my coffee!

**Tommy says-** Finish it later! Right, I have prepared the perfect team to get them back

_** -Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Triplets have entered the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**Tommy says-** Tada!

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says-** Hey guys! I was thinking that we-

_**-BAM. has been kicked from the conversation-**_

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says-** Hey! Why did you kick me! I can be very helpful!

**HartBreaker says-** Well... your mind does tend to... _wander_ when we're in trouble...

**BAM. says-** That is not true at all!

**Tommy says-** Did you, or did you not make a snowman out of salad cream and name it Mr Carrot when you were meant to be telling Tosh the co-ordinates of that serial killer?

**BAM. says-** ...I DID NO SUCH THING!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Master, it's still in the fridge. You made him a reindeer companion out of rice pudding, remember?

**BAM. says- **...That was the children.

**Triplets says-** weoltkesrskg'oeksr;lsgs;doj;gaew ?

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** They're right, we need to get down to business.

**Tommy says-** I heard Rhys mention that Gwen had guests at their flat, so I think they're there!

**HartBreaker says-** So... who wants to go and get them?

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** Okay, I was thinking... you do it.

**HartBreaker says-** No way! It's not my partner we're saving! I vote Tommy does it.

**BAM. says-** Seconded

**Triplets says-** weslkwarszlg/ thirded.

**Tommy says-** Let's look at it this way. _I_ could go in... or we could trick someone else into doing it.

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** Come on guys, we have to do the good, honest thing and rescue them ourselves. It would be cruel to make someone else do it...

_**...**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** 'Tis the season for lots of killings!

**Rassilon says-** Fa la la la la, la la la la!

**Billis says-** You better watch out, Team Kitten Cable Frog's sperm are about!

_**-Trust Me, I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation-**_

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Hey, just thought I'd let you know that there are top secret plans on how to destroy Torchwood in Gwen's flat. All you need to do is bring Jack, Big C and Tosh back to the hub and the plans will reveal themselves!

**Cyberman says-** You must think we're stupid...

**Billis says-** We're not falling for that one Harper!

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** damm...

**Rassilon says-** ...We know it's just a ploy to get us out of the way so you can steal our secret stash of cookies hidden in the box under our files in our base!

**Mr Octagon says-** You just gave away the location of the cookies you idiot!

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** That's not actually what I'm here for.. Listen, we need your help. We need you to get the torchwood guys back from Gwen's teaparty from hell

**Mr Octagon says-** No way. Not going to happen. One, that would be helping you, and two, I don't want to be forced into joining her.

_**-Triplets have entered the conversation-**_

**Triplets says-** WEMFESKFS DO ESHGKRDXFKLGSD IT RJKSDGMKL. NOW.

**Billis says-** Or _what_ little girls?

**Triplets says-** WE'LL JWJEKFMEMSZ TAKE JEJOSRLFKAEWSLD THE ;\QNGEJRGLKNELSGK _**COOKIES.**_

**Rassilon says- **:O! Okay, now that's just wrong.

**Cyberman says-** Oh come on guys, it's Christmas!

**Mr Octagon says-** No. I am not helping our arch enemies just because it's _Christmas._

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says-** You didn't happen to have a traumatising Christmas incident as a child, did you?

**Mr Octagon says-** When I was ten years old I walked downstairs to see my father putting my presents in my stocking. It broke my heart.

**BAM. says-** Wow... that's harsh man.

**Cyberman says-** Oh come on guys, let's help them out, just this once.

**Billis says-** ...Fine.

**Mr Octagon says-** Oi, I'm the leader, I decide if it's okay or not.

**Triplets says-** we'll jsekzdfgoersd burn wrwef. the srtkj,esrkk cookies. k,fesdr;geso;dg **BURN THEM.**

**Mr Octagon says-** ...fine.

**BAM. says-** I love my kids :')

_**Two and A Half Hours Later (Ianto, Tommy and John are already in the conversation-**_

_**-DieMothaFockas has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tech Wiz has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I eat Monsters For Breakfast has entered the conversation-**_

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Trust Me, I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation- **_

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** We got them back! :D

**BAM.** **says-** Yep, we got them out all by ourselves. We were so brave.

**DieMothaFockas says-** Buttt... it weren't u... it woz-

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Shut up. No one cares.

**Tommy says-** Well done guys!

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** The table sets... the mini cups, and the teddies! so many teddies! THEY'RE COMING FOR ME! NO, I DON'T WANT TO PARTY ANYMORE! AHHHH!

_** -Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** ...what was that about?

**BAM. says-** Who knows? It's Cyberman. He says strange things all the time

**I eat Monsters for Breakfast says-** Merry Christmas guys :)

**Tech Wiz says-** Merry Christmas :)

_**-Santa has entered the conversation-**_

**Santa says-** Hello... I seem to have gotten lost... where am I?

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW HE WAS REAL!

_A/N: I'd like to take a moment to thank anyone who's ever read, reviewed or favourited this story. I never thought that this fic would get this far, and thanks to you lot this fic and all of you guys now have a very special place in my heart. Thanks, and merry christmas :) xxxx_


	69. Chatroom!

_A/N: Big C- Ermm heyzz guyzz... Yeah, Whisperer's Song is meant 2 b revising 4 her gcse's, and onlii an idiot wuld rite fanfic when dey r meant to be revising... so she asked me ta do da introduction instead :D soo, err yeah guyz, enjoy da chapta 'nd you'll hopefully see her soon, if she ain't been slaughtered bi her parents 4 not revising. thanx guyzz! She also told me ta tell u dat dis chapter woz based on an advert 4 sum tv show called "The Big C" And Whisperer's Song said she almost had a heart attack wen she saw iyt 33 (i don't put kisses coz i iz manly)_

_**-Insert Sarcastic comment here- has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Trust Me I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation-**_

_**-I eat monsters for breakfast has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tech wiz has entered the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says-** Did Big C call you guys here to?

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** Yep. I have the fire extinguishers all ready for whatever he has in mind

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Let's face it, whatever he wants us to do will involve acts of stupidity or rapping.

**-Insert Sarcastic Comments here- says-** Both if which are potentially life threatening.

_** -DieMothaFockas has entered the conversation-**_

**DieMothaFockas says- **Oh gud, u guyz r here!

**Tech Wiz says-** What did you want?

**DieMothaFockas says- **Well, recently I've realised dat Iy'm 2 much of a fittie 2 not do anything wid ma life, so i have decided 2 follow ma life dream of runin ma own talkshow, innit

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** I swear your life dream was to turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger?

**DieMothaFockas says-** This is ma otha life dream. Anywayz, I'mma call ma chatshow "Big C nd friends" and on ma chatshow we will talk about sex, girls and things dat annoy us lyk spelling.

**Tech Wiz says-** ...

**DieMothaFockas says-** Oh yeah, nd Tosh, I woz thinkin' dat Ben could be 1 of ma first guests, and we could lyk, talk about all da ladies he fancies

**Tech Wiz says-** He's a baby! He doesn't fancy any "ladies"!

**DieMothaFockas says-** Oh, I get ya... da men he fancies den

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says-** /Facepalms

**DieMothaFockas says-** So... will u guyz come on ma show?

_**-Gwen has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen says-** I'LL BE ON IT! :D

**DieMothaFockas says-** Awesome! Any1 else?

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Eughh... fine, we'll do it.

**DieMothaFockas says-** Huzzah!

_**...**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Rassilon says-** You called us, my evillness?

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes, I did my evil minions, for you see, I have a plan.

**Billis says- **What's the plan?

**Mr Octagon says-** The plan comes in two sections. The first, I feel I have a way to settle this name nonsense once and for all. You see, our names have changed so many times, but there is one word that always stays the same. _Team. _

**Cyberman says-** ...Team team! I love it Mr O!

**Billis says-** Finally, we have a name!

**Rassilon says-** Huzzah!

**Mr Octagon says- **And now for stage two in plan Taking Over Torchwood! I heard that buffoon Big C has made a chatshow!

**Cyberman says-** Yeah, my boyfriend's so clever :D

**Mr Octagon says-** We are going to appear as guests on the show

**Billis says-** But... how will that defeat Torchwood?

**Mr Octagon says-** BECAUSE, In all chatshows the guests and the host always have glasses of water in front of them, correct? Well, when we appear on the show we will sneak tablets into Big C's drink! These pills will give him terrible constipation, constipation so bad he eventually dies, and then the rest of Torchwood will spontaniously combust due to sadness!

**Rassilon says-** It... is... GENIUS SIR!

**Billis says-** I wish I was as clever as you :(

**Mr Octagon says-** I'm fabulous, I know

_**...**_

**DieMothaFockas says- **Okai guyz, da otha guests will b here in a minute, den we're going 2 have a practice

**Tech Wiz says-** W8, otha guests?

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Hello chatshow host we are not planning to kill and his friends!

**DieMothaFockas says-** Big C, are you mental?

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says-** Oh I don't even care, let's just get on with it

**DieMothaFockas says-** Hello, and welcum 2 da Big C nd Friends show!

**Gwen says-** I'm Gwen, I'm sexy :D

**DieMothaFockas says-** Good show opener Gwen! Okaii, 1st we're gonna talk bout spiders.

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Um, okay...

**DieMothaFockas says-** I hate spiders :/

**Billis says-** Is that it?

**DieMothaFockas says-** ...what else is there to say about spiders?

**Rassilon says-** He has a point.

**DieMothaFockas says- **Okay, now we're gonna talk about sex.

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** WAHEY!

**DieMothaFockas says-** I've had sex with many, many people in my life

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says-** All were dissapointed.

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** LOL!

**DieMothaFockas says-** DISSAPOINTED BECAUSE THEY WANTED MORE ACTION.

**TechWiz says-** Sure big C, sure...

**DieMothaFockas says-** Now we have the if-anyone-is-going-to-try-to-kill-me-do-it-now segment of the show! :D

**Cyberman says- **Not that any of us would try and kill you or anything... hehe...hehe...he...haha... HAHAHAHAHHA-

**Mr Octagon says-** Cyberman! Stop laughing nervously!

**Cyberman says-** Sorry sir.

**Billis says- **_WE_ HAVE-

**Mr Octagon says-** Excuse me? I'M the boss, I announce it!

**Billis says-** Sorry sir.

**Mr Octagon says-** _WE_ HAVE TRIED TO KILL YOU!

**DieMothaFockas says-** :O!

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says- **Not that anyone saw that coming or anything.

**Gwen says-** I didn't!

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment here- says-** That's because you're stupid.

**Gwen says-** :(

**Billis says-** WE PUT CONSTIPATION TABLETS IN YOUR WATER GLASSES! MWAHAHAHAA!

**DieMothaFockas says-** Erm... we don't have water glasses...

**Tech Wiz says-** ...you don't... have... water glasses?

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** HOW CAN YOU HAVE A CHATSHOW WITHOUT WATER GLASSES?

**DieMothaFockas says-** What can I say? Big C and Friends has a low budget

**Mr Octagon says-** Then... what did we put tablets in?

**DieMothaFockas says-** My fake water glasses. they're made of cardboard :D

**Rassilon says-** well... this is awkward...

**Mr Octagon says-** It's because of the name! Which idiot named the team "Team team?" Cyberman! take the blame!

**Cyberman says-** It was me.

**Mr Octagon says-** God, you're such an idiot sometimes! I'm renaming the team... TEAM CONTROLLER DRUMMER FIFA BUILDERS OF AMAZING!

**Rassilon says-** Brilliant as always sir!

_** -Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has **__**left the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

**Gwen says- **...I'm still sexy! :D

_**Two days later**_

**DieMothaFockas says-** Guyz! Ma show got cancelled! D:

**Tech Wiz says-** But it hasn't even aired yet!

**DieMothaFockas says-** Yeah, they said dat's how shit it woz :( It wozn't shit, was it?

**-Insert Sarcastic Comment Here- says-** ...

_A/N: Thanks guys :D Review? xxxxx_


	70. Visitors?

_A/N: I know, I know, It's been a while... Unfortunately I seem to be very busy and have a load of tests at the moment so I can't guarantee when the next update for any of my stories will be. However, feel free to message me if you want to know the update situation, any questions, or even if you want to talk, because I love each and every one of you :) We haven't had a random guest in a while... who will it be this chapter? xxxx_

_** -BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

_**-TechWiz has entered the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says-** Big C! You changed your name back!

**Big C, Innit says-** Yeahz, well. I jus' weren't feelin' da new 1, ya get me.

_** -CoffeeKing has entered the conversation-**_

**CoffeeKing says-** Hey guys. You all ready for our visitors?

_** -Trust Me, I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation-**_

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** SHIT, that's today?

**Tech Wiz says-** It was on the memo I gave out lask week Owen!

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** SHIT, I was meant to read that?

_** -I eat monsters for breakfast has entered the conversation-**_

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** You really need to start paying more attention in meetings Owen. Besides, it's not like they're anything major, just two UNIT members checking out the hub, making sure we're not doing anything we shouldn't be.

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** But now I'll have to clear all the bodies off the autopsy table and me and the Master haven't finished playing with them yet! D:

**CoffeeKing says-** What do you mean... playing with them?

_** -BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says-** We're naming them :D I named mine Keith. Keith has a sombrero and we took him for a ride on myfanwy :D

**Tech Wiz says-** You two are SICK!

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says- **That's what the other body Malcolm said. So we chopped Malcom's head off :D

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Look, just go and get rid of... Malcolm and Keith.

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Eurghh. Fine.

_** -Trust Me, I'm an Improviser has left the conversation-**_

_**-HartBreaker has entered the conversation-**_

**HartBreaker says- **Where did Owen go?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** 2 take da sombrero off Malcolm da dead bodii

**HartBreaker says -** ...Oh I love you guys.

**Coffee King says-** Right, Hub tidy?

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says- **Check!

**Coffee King says-** All equipment cleaned and sorted?

**Tech Wiz says-** Check!

**Coffee King says- **SUV ready for inspection?

**Coffee King says-** ...Big C? that was your job?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Well, yeahz, but...

**Tech Wiz says-** Oh god, here we go.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I gave it 2 da master 2 take care of

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...You trusted the Master with the SUV? What are you, stupid?

**BAM. says-** Oi! I'll have you know that thanks to me the SUV is in the hands of someone a lot safer then Big C.

**Tech Wiz says-** Who?

**BAM. says-** Keith! :D I drove it to the busiest point in Cardiff, plonked him in the driver's seat and jumped out! :D

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** HE'S A FUCKING DEAD BODY! HE CAN'T DRIVE! I- Oh for god's sakes, what's the point. I'll go get it.

_**-I eat Monsters for breakfast has left the conversation-**_

_** -Marigold and Ted have entered the conversation-**_

**Marigold and Ted says-** Hello Torchwood three! We're here for the examination of the hub

**Coffee King says-** You said you'd be here in half an hour on the phone the other day...

**Marigold and Ted says-** Time waits for no man mr Jones!

**Coffee King says-** Um.. why are you on MSN?

**Marigold and Ted says-** Because we couldn't be bothered to drive to you, so we'll just view the hub via. webcam.

_** -Coffee King has accepted Marigold and Ted's webcam invitation-**_

**Coffee King says-** OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU'RE SO FA...bulously dressed!

**Marigold and Ted says-** Why thank you young man!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Really, I wanna see!

_** -BIG C,INNIT has accepted Marigold and Ted's webcam invitation-**_

**HartBreaker says-** Um.. big C, I really think-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** HOLY FUCKING SHIT THESE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE **FAAAAAAT**!

**Tech Wiz says-** Ermm, Big C, try and be nice to the-

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Wot did u do, eat a train or sumthing!

**Marigold and Ted says-** :O! How dare you!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Big C! Stop being so childis-

**BAM. says- **WHO ATE ALL THE PIEEEEEEEES? WHO AT ALL THE PIIIEEEE-

_**-BAM. has been blocked-**_

_**-BIG C,INNIT has been blocked-**_

**Tech Wiz says-** I'm so sorry, ignore them. They can be terribly childish at times

**Marigold and Ted says-** That's quite alright.

_**-Martha has entered the conversation-**_

**Martha says-** I agree. Especially the Master. Gosh, I wish someone would just slap him!

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says-** Gosh, I wish the Doctor didn't love you. Oh wait!

**Martha says-** =_=

_**-Martha has left the conversation-**_

_**-BAM. has left the conversation-**_

**Marigold and Ted says-** Anyways, we were in the tourist office this morning, but no one was in so we went home.

_**-Gwen has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen says-** Guyz, why does the tourist office stink of egg?

**Marigold and Ted says-** Oh sorry, that was us. Flatulence issues you see.

**Tech Wiz says-** But how can it still stink from this mo-

**Marigold and Ted says-** VERY powerful flatulence issues.

_** -I eat monsters for breakfast has entered the conversation-**_

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** DON'T TRUST THEM, THEY'RE SLITHEEN!

**Marigold and Ted says-** What? No we're not!

**Coffee King says-** They're right Jack. Fat? Flatulance problems? They're obviously Rhys.

**Gwen says-** Haha. Wait... hey!

**Marigold and Ted says-** Okay... WE ARE SLITHEEN!

_** -Marigold and Ted have changed their name to "Stropaloopafhetakcan"-**_

**HartBreaker says-** ...wth?

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **It's our names! Actually, it's only Marigold's real name. There wasn't enough room for mine.

**Tech Wiz says-** Oh god, what's your name then?

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **...Barry :D

**HartBreaker says-** Oh good grief.

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** Go on then. Tell us your reason for why you want to try and destroy the earth again.

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Must you always assume we're here for war? Is it not possible we're merely here for a...vacation?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** That's like saying the Master blew up Jupiter "accidently"

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **..Okay fair enough. We're here to take over the earth. As per usual.

**HartBreaker says-** Okay then.

**Tech Wiz says-** ..

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** ..

**Coffee King says-** ...well. this is awkward.

_** -11th Doctor has entered the conversation-**_

**11th Doctor says-** Hello!

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...

**11th Doctor says-** ...Have I not regenerated yet? Oops. Sorry. I'll, erm... leave you to it...

_** -11th Doctor has left the conversation-**_

**Tech Wiz says-** ...well. this is still awkward...

_A/N: WILL THE AWKWARDNESS STOP? WILL THE SLITHEEN INVADE? FIND OUT NEXT TIME! leave a review please, I love hearing from you guys! :) xxxx_


	71. Oops

_A/N: This fic comes with two announcements. First, I'm sorry for how late this is. I've been really busy recently! Secondly, there __**will**__be a fic of the weddings,however when this will be released I'm not quite sure, because I've got an awful lot of school work as well as my own personal writing. I thank you all though, this site has given me a bit more confidence in my own writing again. I realise that this is definately not a work of art, but I think that's why I enjoy writing it so much! XD xxxxx_

**CoffeeKing says-** So why are you here to invade the earth anyway? There must be a reason, surely?

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Two weeks ago, our two friends Maxwell and Sliva visited earth. We haven't heard of them since

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** Maybe they're just... enjoying earth so much they forgot to call?

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **They can't be traced on earth. Do you know what that means?

**Tech Wiz says-** They... went on a... vacation to... somewhere else? he... he...

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **No. It means they're DEAD.

**HartBreaker says- **What do they look like?

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Same as we do, fat. One has brown hair the other has red.

_**-Trust Me, I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation-**_

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Wait... fat, one red, one brown?

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Yes.

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser- **OH HOLY SHI-

_**-Trust Me, I'm an Improviser has left the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **What was that all about?

**HartBreaker says-** I have a feeling I know...

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** We hear there's talk of destroying the world, we want to help :D

**Gwen says-** Why?...

**Billis says-** Because Torchwood's job is to protect the world, we hate Torchwood, so we shall help DESTROY IT :D

**Cyberman says-** Go Team CyberBoobs!

**Tech Wiz says-** ...

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** ...

**Coffee King says-** ...

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **...

**Cyberman says-** I got to pick the name this time. Fabulous, isn't it? :3

**Rassilon says**-We're so clever. We shall laugh at you when you die

**Coffee King says- **Well, considering you're all currently on earth, if you help destroy it, where are you going to laugh at us from? The afterlife?

**Mr Octagon says-** Oh... good point...

_**-BIG C,INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** CALM YO TITS EVERI1, BIG C IZ HERE 2 SAVE DA DAY

**HartBreaker says-** .../facepalms

**Mr Octagon says-** Well if us being here isn't destroying Torchwood, we may as well leave.

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has left the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** Yeah, we hate you all! (Minus you Big C, you're the sex 3) What was I saying? Oh yeah, we hate you all!

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Who are they?

**Tech Wiz says-** Oh, just some losers that think they can defeat us all the time.

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Where were we before we were interrupted? Ah, yes. We have a cunning plan to defeat you all. On our ship floating outside the earth, there is a massive leafblower. This leafblower is the size of Canary Wharf. We will turn on said leaf blower, you will be blown into the sun, and you will all die.

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** Is it too much to ask that we get a decent plan to kill us all for once?

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **We also have a large flamethrower, we could give you all a slow and painful death with that instead?

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** Much better! :D

**Coffee King says-** You know Jack, I really do hate you sometimes...

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **You have ten minutes to find our friends before we kill you all.

_**-Stropaloopafhetakcan has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Itz kool guyz, i no how 2 save us all. wot we do, iz me nd gwen dress up az dere mates, announce we're movin to Jupiter, dey'll tink dere friends r safe nd den dey won't bover us again!

**Gwen says-** That's a brilliant idea Big C!

**Coffee King says-** /Facepalms

**HartBreaker says-** Okay Gwen, here's a thought... how about... we forget the disguise... and ship you off to Jupiter anyway?

_**-Stropaloopafhetakcan has entered the conversation-**_

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Time's up. Have you found our friends?

**Tech Wiz says -** Well... erm...

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** The thing is...

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Trust Me, I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says-** They're already back home

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Back from their vacation on Pluto :D

**Stropaloopafhetakcan says- **Oh okay, thank god. You were lucky this time Torchwood... but we'll be back!

_**-Stropaloopafhetakcan has left the conversation-**_

**BIG C,INNIT says-** But... how did u...

**Tech Wiz says-** Malcolm and Keith aren't really Malcolm and Keith, are they boys?

**BAM. says- **Nope :D

**I eat Monsters for Breakfast says-** But surely you realised they weren't human when you saw their orange blood when you were mucking around with them?

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** I dunno, we'd just assumed they'd drunk too much ketchup and it'd turned their blood orange or something...

**HartBreaker says-** Owen, you're meant to be a bloody Doctor!

**Timey WImey Lord says-** So, those two are going to go home to find their dear old friends...?

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Tucked up in bed. We dropped the bodies off.

**BAM. says-** One minus a head. But whor really needs a head anyway?

**Tech Wiz says-** So they're going to find their best friends dead...

**Trust Me, I'm an improviser says-** Yep :D

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** And one headless...

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** Yep :D

**BAM. says-** And you left out one wearing a sombrero :D

**I eat Monsters for Breakfast says-** They're going to come back here very, _very_ pissed off...

**Coffee King says- **Yep...

**HartBreaker says-** ...

**Tech Wiz says-** ...

**I eat Monsters for breakfast says-** Oh well, we'll just make Torchwood 2 sort it out.

_A/N: Review please? :3 Or Malcolm and Keith will haunt you in your sleep... ;D xxxx_


	72. More Firework fun!

_A/N: Aaaahh, I've missed writing Torchwood MSN! I updated my other two fics today as well, what an achievement! :') Thank you for all the lovely reviews :3 Sorry, this chapter is probably full of errors and spelling mistakes, but I have no way to spell check :') Also, I know I've already done a chapter involving fireworks, but I couldn't resist! x_

_** -I eat Monsters for breakfast has entered the conversation-**_

**I eat monsters for breakfast says- **BIG C! I WANT A WORD!

_**-BIG C, INNIT has entered the conversation-**_

**BIG C, INNIT says- **yeah bruv?

**I eat monsters for breakfast says- **So I'm sitting in the hub

**BIG C, INNIT says-** yeh...

**I eat monsters for breakfast says- **At two o'clock in the morning...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Yeh...

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** And there's a knock at the door...

**BIG C,INNIT says-** L0ok, offence or anyting Jack, but iz dis storie goin' N-E-where? Cuz Big C's got a date wid his homies and-

**I eat monsters for breakfast says- **WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ORDER FORTY CRATES OF FIREWORKS? AND MORE TO THE POINT, WHY WHERE THEY DELIVERED TO TORCHWOOD AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING?

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Oh, were we not meant 2 tell n-e-one bout Torchwood? U mite want 2 get on da fone nd cancel da pool parti I organised here den-

_**-BAM. has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Timey Wimey Lord has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Tech Wiz has entered the conversation-**_

**BAM. says- **Oooh, fireworks! :D I KNOW! I CAN TAKE ON TO MARTHA'S HOUSE AND-

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** NO.

**BAM. says-** D:

**Tech Wiz says- **Why have you ordered fireworks Big C?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** erm... for Ben's birthday?

**Tech Wiz says-** His birthday isn't due for a month.

**BAM. says- **lol man, you're the worst father ever!

**BIG C,INNIT says- **Okai... dey're 4 da triplet's birthdai?

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Two months ago. You bought them that bubble blower, you stuck your head in the machine and couldn't get it out, remember?

**BIG C,INNIT says- **...no...

_** -Coffee King has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Trust me, I'm an Improviser has entered the conversation-**_

**Coffee King says-** Why do you want fireworks anyway?

**BIG C, INNIT says-** itz alwayz been a big dream of mine 2 make ma veri own firework dizplay...

**Coffee King says-** ...

**Trust me, I'm an Improviser says-** ...Since when! Last time I checked you bloody hated the things!

**BIG C,INNIT says -** When I woz a child, me and ma weevil m8s snuck up on firework night 2 watch a dizplay... I fell in luv wid da lights and da colours, i luved da way dey swirled thru da sky. nd Dat woz when I new... dat I woz determined to be sum1.

**BAM. says-** Awwww, well wasn't that just the MOST BULLSHIT SENTENCE I'VE EVER READ IN MY LIFE?

**Coffee King says-** Remember when we wanted to watch that firework display? Remember you told us the tragic story of the firework in your arse?

**BIG C,INNIT says-** I no, i no, but da more I think about it, da more I wanna conqre ma fears! And plus, I luv explosions, nd fireworks sorta explode, so it wood be gr8!

_**-Gwen has entered the conversation-**_

**Gwen says-** Yeah guys, I think we should put on a firework display! :D We could even sing the Katy Perry Song!

You just gotta ignittteeeeee the liigghhhhttt

anddd lleeeetttt itt shinnneeee

cause ooon the nightttt

like the foouurrttthhhh of July!

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Oh dear god.

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** Wait, what-

**Mr Octagon says-**

CAUSE TORCHWOOD I'VE GOT FIIIIIREWORKS!

BEING BLOWN UP IS WHAT YOUUUUU DESERVE!

I'LL MAKE YOU ALL CRY, CRY, CRY!

AS I SLOWLY MAKE YOU DIE, DIE, DIE!-

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...

**Coffee King says-** ...

**Tech Wiz says-** ...

**BAM.** **says-** ...Not that I didn't love you're version and all, but I don't think they were _quite_ the right words...

**Mr Octagon says- **MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!

_**-Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** ...well. That was concerning.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...so, what'do'ya guyz say? :D

_** -Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Attention lackies! I have stolen Torchwood's fireworks!

**Rassilon says-** Brilliant your evilness!

**Cyberman says-** Fantastic Sir!

**Billis says-** Good job Sir!

**Mr Octagon says-** You know, sometimes I get the feeling you only say those sort of things to avoid my wrath.

**Billis says-** Never Sir!

**Cyberman says-** Of course not sir!

**Rassilon says-** No way Sir!

**Mr Octagon says-** Well in that case.. I'm thinking of feeding one of you to the sharks.

**Rassilon says-** ... *gulps* brilliant idea Sir!

**Cyberman says-** Superb plan my lord!

**Billis says-** Couldn't think of a better plan myself!

**Mr Octagon says-** ...fools. So, here is the rest of the plan. We walk into the torchwood base. But first, we hide the fireworks in our underwear.

**Rassilon says-** ...Why our underwear my lord?

**Mr Octagon says-** So they don't see the fireworks and don't suspect anything of course!

**Cyberman says-** But... I'm a cyberman... I don't wear underwear D:

**Mr Octagon says- **Well then we shall buy you some underwear, THEN you hide the fireworks in there, and nobody will be any the wiser! For gods sakes, must I think for all of you?

**Billis says-** Then what, most evil one? :D

**Mr Octagon says-** We light them of course! The force of so many fireworks will destroy the hub!

**Billis says-** ...Sir?

**Mr Octagon says-** Yes Billy?

**Billis says-** Billis.

**Mr Octagon says-** Who's Billis?

**Billis says-** ...no one my lord. Anyway, will the, ah, fireworks still be in our underwear while we light them?

**Mr Octagon says-** Why of course they will, you stupid man!

**Rassilon says-** Won't that... um... hurt a bit?

**Mr Octagon says-** Ah, but you see this is the beauty of it... we'll make sure the underwear we put on... IS FIREWORK-PROOF!

**Cyberman says-** You're a genius Sir!

**Rassilon says-** Wish I'd thought of that...

**Billis says- ** GO TEAM- ...Wait, what's our team name again?

**Mr Octagon says-** ...GO TEAM FIREPANTS!

**CoffeeKing says-** Big C, I thought you said you put the fireworks in Jack's office?

**BIG C, INNIT says-** I swear it guyz, i put dem in dere!

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Billis has entered teh conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** MWHAHAHAHAHAH!

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Erm... Cyberman?

**Cyberman says-** Yes Jack?

**Billis says-** *coughs*

**Cyberman says-** Oh, I mean... yes, foolish human?

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** ...Why are you wearing underwear?

**Cyberman says-** Because... erm... because they're comfy?

**Gwen says-** ...Oh, well that's okay then :D

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** /facepalms

**Mr Octagon says-** If you must know, we are here... TO SET FIRE TO THE HUB WITH YOUR OWN FIREWORKS!

**BIG C,INNIT says-** w8... where r da fireworks?

**Mr Octagon says-** LOCATED IN OUR PANTS! BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU TORCHWOOD? MWAAHHHAHAHAHAHA!

**Timey Wimey Lord says- **...I can honestly say, I did not see that coming -_-

**BAM. says-** Yeah, the bulge in your underwear wasn't a big give away in the slightest.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** ...oh. I thought they were, ya no, just pleased to see me...

**Trust Me, I'm an Improviser says-** .../facepalms again.

**Mr Octagon says-** YOU WILL NOW ALL DIE IN 3! 2! 1! ...

**Tech Wiz says-** ...

**Mr Octagon says-** Oh, well, um, this is awkward... they're not lighting. Does anyone have a lighter?

**Gwen says-** Oooh, come with me, I'll get you one.

**Mr Octagon says-** Oh, why thank you!

_** -Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

_**-Gwen has left the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says- **so... weather's good.

**Tech Wiz says-** yup... I thought it would rain, looking at the weather report and stuff.

**Rassilon says-** Yeah, I thought that too.

**Coffee King says** -Um... anyone fancy a coffee?

**Billis says-** Ooh yes, black please.

**I eat monsters for breakfast says-** Black coffee's the best.

**Rassilon says-** Oh I don't know, I'm more of a tea person myself.

**Trust me, I'm an Improviser says- **I don't like that herbal tea stuff though.

**Rassilon says-** Oh I completely agree.

_**-Gwen has entered the conversation-**_

_**-Mr Octagon has entered the conversation-**_

**Mr Octagon says-** Why thank you my dear! Where were we? Oh yeah, GOODBYE TORCHWOOD! 1-2-3-

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

**Billis says-** OH MY GOD, WHERE DID CYBERMAN GO?

**Tech Wiz says-** HE JUST SHOT RIGHT THROUGH THE BLOODY ROOF!

**Mr Octagon says-** OH FOR GODS SAKES, HOW MANY TIMES DID I GO THROUGH THIS WITH HIM? WE GO _**AFTER**_ THREE, NOT _**ON**_ THREE! THE STUPID FOOL!

_** -Mr Octagon has left the conversation-**_

**Billis says-** ...

**Rassilon says-** ...

**Billis says-** Well...

**Rassilon says-** um...

**Billis says-** _Bye._

_**-Billis has left the conversation-**_

_**-Rassilon has left the conversation-**_

**BAM. says-** Well, that was-

**Timey Wimey Lord says-** ...disturbing.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** so... can we do f1reworks now guyz? :D

**I eat monsters for breakfast says- **No.

**BIG C,INNIT says-** Ur rite. mayb itz 4 da best...

_**-Cyberman has entered the conversation-**_

**Cyberman says-** go...team... firepants...

_**-Cyberman has left the conversation-**_

_A/N: Review, as it's been a while? ;D Also, if you have any requests for stuff to happen in future chapters, just leave your ideas in a review :) x_


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